• Thu, Aug 16 2007

How to Get Over a Broken Heart

broken heart

It doesn’t take a genius to ascertain that I keep a smart-ass establishment (drugs and horoscopes much?). But we all know that underneath the big, bad edge, smart-asses are really the most tender nibblins of all. So here’s a little love for everyone who has the courage to live, but most especially a couple of my bruised peeps – you know who you are. For everyone else, don’t worry – we’ll get back to the sardonic escapades in two shakes of Molly McButter.


Broken heart? Rejection? Failure? It hurts (and hurts, and hurts).

Here’s how to properly lick your wounds:

1. Take heart: you will not die.

Even though it really, really feels like it. Even though you can feel your heart physically swelling in your chest and pain pulsing through your entire body and your ribs are sticking to your sides like macaroni on a microwave – you will not die from this. It might mess up your mental and physical health a little in the short term (you’re allowed to eat some carbs, for Pete’s sake). But you will not die. It still hurts, though.

2. At least it’s a good hurt.

Vera Pavlova wrote:

“If there is something to desire,

there will be something to regret.

If there is something to regret,

there will be something to recall.

If there is something to recall,

there was nothing to regret.

If there was nothing to regret,

there was nothing to desire.”

3. Give yourself as much time as you need.

A lot of the angst of moving on comes from self-judgments about when and how and why you should move on and what you did wrong. Don’t compare yourself to others. You’re not nuts; you’re not strange; you’re not obsessed; you’re not a fool. Your big crime is innocence. The only sin you can possibly commit is doubting yourself. You’re just human and you felt something. At the time, whenever that was, it felt right. Accept that your feelings are your feelings and let them be (to paraphrase Marcus Aurelius). Feelings are hard to feel and even harder to understand. They’ll pass when the time is right and not a moment sooner.

4. Things simply are what they are.

And now they are different. They cannot be any other way. Life is a series of moments and all you really have to do in this life is accept them. No one expects anything more; and believe me, no one upstairs does, either. Sometimes those moments turn into chapters, but ultimately even the chapters conclude.

5. Treat yourself right.

Try to get out as much as you can (but don’t force yourself to jump into something new or go out partying every night). Talk to your friends, even if all you can squeak out is “it’s another rough one today”. Don’t worry about annoying them – even if you do, they are the ones who really know you and they will still love you. You can’t fool them anyway – even if you don’t say anything, they know.

6. Exercise.

A daily bout of exercise – walking, running, lifting weights, dancing, the elliptical, yoga – will help your brain both regulate and release your feel-good hormones. A bonded relationship causes your brain to release oxytocin, a powerful “commitment” peptide. When it goes away you can become depressed. So let those other helpful hormones fill in the void. Exercise!

7. Eat a lot of fat.

Beneficial fatty acids in things like olive oil, nuts, avocados and salmon will baby your brain and help keep your mood stable. Eat some at every meal from here on out.

8. Spoil yourself (but not too much).

Buy your favorite beer, enjoy an entire pint of ice cream. But don’t go overboard – you’ll just end up feeling worse. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for when you’re about to cross the line. I think you’ll know your limit if you listen to your instincts. In fact, I believe our instincts will never, ever let us down, if only we would pay them heed. (And remember, if you cross your line, that’s okay. Mistakes are not bad, they are learning, and that is what life is all about, right?)

9. This too shall pass.

I know – I know – it doesn’t feel that way right now, but the pain will pass. Reality bites and life will give your heart a ruthless pruning, but you’ll grow back even fuller. You might miss a season or two – no worries, so did the damaged peach tree I watched my grandmother coax for 10 patient years. The fruit it finally bore was the best slice of sweet imaginable. That memory has always comforted me; find one that comforts you.

10. Now is not the time to begin training for a marathon, overhauling your investments, or perfecting your GTD system.

Initial small accomplishments can give you a bump, but if you’re using them to avoid feeling the hurt, that hurt will just come back with a wallop (I don’t know about you but I’m an expert at this one). Do make positive changes and invest yourself in projects that are both distracting and productive, because these things will help you move on with greater confidence. I’m glad I read my RSS feeds today, because one of my favorite bloggers posted this positive guide to dealing with setbacks. But just remember that as you take positive actions, don’t try to repress those feelings. Feelings always come out eventually.

Although, when they do…that’s good, too. Have a good, long lick and remember: everybody plans picnics in the park. Everybody carries a private hurt (or hundred). Good for you for feeling something and taking a risk. That’s called living and all we can do is our best in each moment. There is no right or wrong; there is no should. There is only real.

You might feel sad and hurt, but guess what?

Share This Post:
  • http://mikeachim.typepad.com Mikeachim

    A broken heart is a crucible.
    There’s fury and pain and things lose their shape and nothing looks right anymore….
    And then everything cools.
    And suddenly it’s *so much tougher than before*. It’s not only whole again, but *better*.

    Whoever the post is dedicated to, I think you ******* rock too.
    (It wouldn’t let me swear and post the comment. So much for my bohemian side).

    That twentysomething blogger ain’t bad, either.

  • http://mikeachim.typepad.com Mikeachim

    Hey, waddayaknow.
    It let me be bohemian after all.

    I think there’s an echo in here.

    Echo in here.

    *Echo in here*.

  • http://mikeachim.typepad.com Mikeachim

    On a more health-related note:
    Negative feelings are a terrific resource to be channeled. Whether it’s into sport, or travel, or some new activity.
    The heart is in the mind, and the mind is in the body. Body heals mind. Mind….heals heart.
    Heart makes mind and body *angry*, and, body heart and mind go into a crucible.

  • DopeyLaRue

    The hardest part for me is the the judgement I place on myself (which you talked about in #3). I blame myself for feeling/loving or for getting close or for my perceived sense of “failing”. Thank you for reminding me that all of that is human and nothing for which to blame myself. It IS human! You are right! How freaking wierd would it be to NOT feel these things!?!?! The feeling/loving, I mean, not the failure! You rock back; I totally

  • Sara

    Thanks, guys. I appreciate your support and you ALL rock.

  • DopeyLaRue

    So it cut me off…but the rest said:

  • Sara

    We seem to be having some technical difficulties! Sorry! :)

  • DopeyLaRue

    I totally

  • Brian

    You have an amazing insight… great post. Thanks.

  • Steve Ost

    Yes, as Sara’s dad, I must jump in here and give a good pat on the back. Well said and well taken. And, I think that how we feel about “it” is even more important than “it”. That’s how the “it” ends up getting fixed.

  • Sara

    Brian,

    Thank you. :)

    Dad,

    You always know.

  • Deuson

    where is the art from looks like a James Jean piece without the James Jeansieanuis; just saying it makes me sad…so, so sad.

  • Deuson

    where is the art from looks like a James Jean piece without the James Jeansieanuis; just saying it makes me sad

  • Michael

    Wish it were true.

    Broken hearts mend and become better when there’s something better to be.

    Sometimes things just break and don’t mend. Visit a landfill, or a morgue.

  • http://www.let-off.com steve

    Hell of a way to start off a weekend, eh?

    Just rounding the curve from this sort of situation myself. Items 5 and 6 are the most significant to me. For example, I would hop on my bike, zip across town for a half-hour trip to my favourite diner, then treat myself to an excellent meal before I biked back home. Both rolled into one.

    Sitting near open fires helps too, for some reason. Feeling it, or watching it, has an intangible ‘serentiy-inducing’ effect, and it allowed me plenty of time for introspection. I’m grateful I moved into a house with a wood-burning stove.

    Nice post; I needed the reminder. Thank you. I’m not so much skilled eloquence and poetic language, but I like hearing from others who are.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net Sara

    Deuson – hopefully it’s a touching sad, not just a sad sad (click the pic for the link).

    Michael – you make a good point.

    Steve – ha, yes. Tomorrow’s posts will be “regular programming” (no posts on Fridays). In the meantime here are some fun links.

    1. Obligatory lolcats: http://www.roflcats.com/page4.html
    2. Evil vegans: http://www.nexternal.com/vegane/images/SeitanShirt1.jpg
    3. And, us: http://www.esa.int/images/400_planet_earth.jpg

    That is really interesting about the open fire. Thanks. :)

  • http://mikeachim.typepad.com Mikeachim

    Michael –
    I used to be an archaeologist.
    Landfills and morgues were where the story started, not ended. :)

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/ob2/ Mzatt

    Thanks for this.

  • http://www.diethack.com Gyanish Gungaram

    Despite all these steps, it still hurts…

  • http://blogs.glam.com/glamspirit/ Rebecca (GlamSpirit)

    Thanks for this post. I appreciate your insightful words and those images are spot on. Really nice!

  • Sara

    Mzatt, Rebecca, thanks!

    Gyanish, yes, always longer than we want, right?

  • http://thanks dewin

    im messed up right now. i feel like my soul is in the fetal position by my feet. but something really helped me “Good for you for feeling something and taking a risk. That’s called living and all we can do is our best in each moment. There is no right or wrong; there is no should. There is only real.” thanks.

  • Sara

    Hang in there Dewin! :)

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ sharee

    im 24 and after being with my partner for eight years and having his boy who is now six, he has told me he is in love with someone else! whats killing me is two weeks earlier he was telling me how much he loved me and that i was his one and only! im so confused at how he could be so cold so effortlessly? i know i have to be the bigger person for my son but i dont know where to start to get through this, its not like i can erase him from my life like a normal boyfriend because we have a child together, everything you wrote Sara helps but i gave up most of my friend when i had my son so i dont have that support there but i thank you, its hard and you just forget that there are people out there who do understand! it just feels so hard to stay strong when i have to see him when he visits his son, especially when he is with her!!!

  • Sara

    Sharee, it is hard, I know, and rebuilding your own supportive group of friends takes time. But I KNOW that you will, because you have a great attitude and are obviously a caring person. You are stronger than you think! :)

  • Shanele

    I’m going through it. I should be working but my heart is aching, I’ve been going through all web sites to find away to ease the pain and get through another day. The suggestions are very helpful and I will try to add them to my daily life. It does hurt and it hurts real bad. I thought I wanted to die. I to have a child with this man and the saying “it was all good a week ago” is crazy. But he wanted to be with another girl and I couldn’t handle it. I went crazy. Now he won’t talk to me, he didn’t even apologize for getting caught out there. I realized that for me not to accept a man that cheats says something about my character something good. I do suffer from depression. I am tired of suffering.

  • mcdanita

    I am hurting very deeply right now because of my inability to communicate my true feelings to the girl I wanted to be with from the rest of my life. Becasue of this, she has decided to end our relationship and discover herself more. We still communicate but not on a “relationship” basis. She now knows what my true feelings are but says she can’t jump back into a relationship at this moment. She still does love me a lot but just ca’t do it right now. It hurts very bad that I screwed this all up. I feel like all is lost and being a 36 yr old male, I feel like a failure.

  • Sara

    Shanele, I know how that feels – you really do feel like you won’t be able to make it. When your heart is ready to move on, it will, but in the meantime remember to pamper yourself a little bit. Just be gentle with yourself. No beating yourself up allowed!

    McDanita – I don’t know your specific situation so I wouldn’t want to be so bold as to tell you what to do, but I hope you will be able to be open – even if it’s scary – from now on. For me in my situation, it made all the difference. But you are NOT a failure. There is no other way to learn than to try. That’s not failure. That’s being human. The best thing to do is to be completely open and honest with yourself and others – that’s what love is, in my (very humble) opinion. Being real = totally lovable.

  • mcdanita

    Sara: I have been open with my friends and the person I love. She knows exactly how I feel and indicates she still does love me a lot but because of my indecision for a 6 month period of time, she grew to want to be alone. She indicates it is difficult for her but insists she must follow this feeling through. We have been apart now for 2 months and our mutual friends keep telling me to hang in there and everything will work out between us. I just wish I could understand how they know this. Maye because they are not intimately involved?

  • http://www.healthbolt.net Sara

    Well, our friends are usually a lot better at being objective than we are. If they know you both, and it sounds like she just needs some time on her own, then I bet your friends are right. I’ll be rooting for you :)

  • mcdanita

    Thanks a bunch! I hope they (friends) are right. I just wish I knew how long “long” is. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and I fear that in waiting too long I may loose out in the long run.

  • MICHELLE

    HI, I WAS INVOLVED WITH THIS GUY FOR 7 YRS. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAD REALLY BLOSSOMED OVER THE YEARS AS WE MATURED. AND WE LOVED EACH OTHER VERY MUCH,OR SO I THOUGHT. WE HAVE TWO SONS TOGETHER. AFTER OUR FIRST SON WAS ABOUT 1 YR AND A HALF, AND I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY 2ND SON, HE GOT INCARCERATED. I HELD OUT FOR 2 1/2 YRS FOR THIS CAT AND NEVER CHEATED WHILE HE WAS INCARCERATED. HOWEVER AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT I BELIEVED EVERYTHING THIS DUDE WROTE ME AND I BELIEVED THAT WE WOULD BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER WHEN HE GOT OUT (BECAUSE EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE). SHORTLY AFTER HE GOT OUT OF COURSE I WAS LITERALLY MILKED DRY AND DROPPED LIKE A BAD HABIT. THIS DUDE TOOK ME ON A REAL EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. NOW IT HAS A 20 YEAR OLD LTTLE GIRL CLAIMING TO BE PREGNANT FROM IT. I KNEW IT WAS CHEATING BUT IT KEPT LYING, SAYING THE SAME THING A PREVIOUS PERSON WAS TALKING ABOUT IN HER STORY. SAYING HOW MUCH IT LOVED ME AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE FOR IT. I HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS IN A DEEP SLUM AND DEPRESSION. FEELING WORTHLESS AND BAD. I AM SO HURT MY FEELINGS HAVE WENT FROM SAD, TO MAD, TO HURT, TO RAGE, TO STRAIGHT HATRED. AND I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE THIS EARTH WITH HATRED IN MY HEART. I CRY ALMOST EVERY DAY. AND I CALL THIS DUDE AN “IT”, BECAUSE A REAL MAN AND HUMAN BEING WOULKD HAVE NEVER BEEN AS COLD AS THIS DOG.

  • antman

    hi all,
    mcdanita i’m going thru a simlar situation. I’m 31 years old & met my ex and can honestly say i’ve never had my heart broken, NEVER.So when i found the ‘ONE’ it formed into a beautiful relationship that fell by the wayside. She felt she had personal growth to deal with..But boy do i feel like a failure, u name it waking up in the middle of the night with that knive being dug in your heart when your conscious wakes u to your realisation of whats not there anymore. I was always the heart breaker.But u know what in some weird way i feel like this wil make me a better person, & i wouldn’t be lying if i said i haven’t looked back to the past to the hurt that i caused when i broke the hearts. AFter googling a broken heart makes u a better person, it feels that suddenly there is a different spin on things.
    Thats life isn’t it..i think in time i’m gonna be ok

  • Bonnie

    Well a week ago today i sent my boyfriend to jail cause he beat me up and gave me 7 stitches to my ear and bruised ribs and a broken toe and many other bruises. So i say what is my problem? yes he did drink a bottle of tequilla and yes i did push his buttons and guess what i still love him iam shocked crushed and pitiful what do i do and how do i move on? Bonnie

  • T-Beer

    This is awesome. It got posted the day before I got my broken by “the one”. Seriously I’ve dated a bit and been in long term relationships but she was really “the one” (I thought) Some sorta Irony there for me. Anyway my 2 cents – working on myself has help quite a bit. Not that I was chopped liver, but who is perfect? Just do start doing something positive that you were not doing before. I’m not saying this will work out 100% on you 100% of the time but it helps. I mean it’s really hard to get rid of that whole “every song / movie / TV show / food / etc reminds me of you” crap. Gawd, that ones a real bummer when your mind starts going in that direction, or when you start questioning yourself. But still, I got to this site because of the “what happens to your body when you quit smoking right now” informatrion. It’s been 18 days since this former pack a day smoker smoked and a couple days since I’ve used nicotine replacement products. The next person in my life won’t complain about ash-tray breath, and I can believe in living longer and saving 4-5 dollars a day. Now I’m off to try to get other things going in my life…or mope….still working on that

  • T-Beer

    Hey Bonnie, sure if you’re in the US or somewhere else, but in the US there are programs to help domestic violence victims cope. They may have insights…Just know that you might love somebody, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with them. NOBODY desvers to be beaten by a person they love.

  • Cara

    Bonnie – I am going through a similar situation and I have a child with this man. I am so torn. He is a drug addict which make it worse. I did not press charges and I just do not know what to do.

  • Bonnie

    Cara,
    I did not press charges either but, once the cops were called it was out of my hands the state takes over. And i know he was wrong for doing what he did to me and should be punished. but i got paper stating we are not aloud around each other for 3 years and i have know idea how he feels and iam just tore up. I know how you are feeling, my heart goes out to you and your child.

  • Naomi

    Sometimes when i have a rough day, i find this posts in my favorites and read through it again.. It really helps.
    Thanks so much!

  • Sara

    Wow, Naomi, that really means so much to me. Thank you for saying it! :)

  • Ingrid Reagan

    My heart is so broken right now and i think that living may not even be worthwhile. I’m so sorry, but that’s the way I feel right now. Can someone help me, please?!

  • Sara

    Ingrid, don’t apologize for feeling that way! The pain of loss can be overpowering and consuming. Please, let me encourage you to reach out to your friends, family, and anyone who can offer you some support. Here’s a good online support forum: http://forums.healthyplace.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=relationshiploss&Number=7011&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=2 I wish you the best, Ingrid!

  • Bonnie

    Hi Ingrid,
    i’ve been there, it just feels like you just want to die. But guess what iam here writing to you so that means it is worth living. Just 16 days ago my heart was where yours is now. I know it hurts but just take 1 day at a time and you will be fine. and love yourself and spoil yourself a little and take time for Ingrid.

  • T-Beer

    Hey Ingrid – I know how you feel and everyday is a struggle. Please remember that you were not always with that person, and that you are a person in your own right and have good things coming to you!!!

  • ged

    I have lost someone I love completely due to my own selfish and dishonest actions. We only knew each other briefly and then embarked on a long distance relationship. She was true to me during that time, but I chose to explore other options, as I did not trust the ‘realness’ of our brief but powerful romance. I wasn’t upfront about this. I then broke her heart by ending the relationship, because our circumstances were so trying.

    After trying to move on with life, I realised that I could not let her go and began a process of ‘winning’ her back. She came to my country for a 2 month stay. I always knew that I needed to ‘come clean’ with her about the past, but decided to wait until the ‘right time’ and just let things ‘be’ between us for now. We had an awesome time, and she went back to her country. When I then proposed future plans she revealed that she had found out what I had done when we were apart. She could not forgive me for not coming clean about all of that.

    I was a coward for not being upfront and not coming clean when I had the opportunity. I adore this girl and feel like I will not move on. I know that I need to learn from this and NEVER be dishonest about where I am at, or my intentions. And most of all, have the courage to be honest about past issues.

    I have created this mess for myself. And every living moment is wracked with guilt and loss that I feel I will never recover from. It is one thing losing someone you love. It takes it to another level when you lose them due to your own harmful actions, and know that they will never see you in a positive light again.

  • Dawson

    Reflecting on the last seven months, I struggled through many intense situations. I thought I had colon cancer and when I need the support of my best friend, he basically ditched me and made new friends. I felt really alone during that time in my life. My ‘best friend’ moved on and completely shut me out of his life. I was in such a dark place for a long time because of the feelings of loss and fear due to my health. I was really heartbroken and flat out devastated. I helped him through so much and was always there for him and when I needed a friend the most, he wasn’t there for me. I really went into a depression and every day was tough. I have faith that I will improve and it will be more meaningful to me to climb out of the hole by myself. I can say I did this for me on my own.

  • Erika

    Hi Everyone, I am not sure how this works but I guess I can relate. I am going through a heartbreak at this moment. It seems puzzling to me though, and I hope someone could figure this one for me, that I feel good about where I am at right now because at least I do not prolong the pain. While in the relationship, he would break up with me constantly and it was like walking on eggshells. I was always on guard as to when would be the next break up. I was the one that tried to work things through so we could be back together. Now, this last three days that he broke up with me I admitted that yes, it is time to be apart and so I did walk away. I think he was suprised I did that. Now, I feel that I did things right although he always told me the relationship was like that because of me. Yet, he was the one that cursed and was impulsive and aggressive. So, I feel I did the right thing although I hurt tremendously but he feels I was the cause of the breakup. Now, I guess my questions is, I know I tried so much in this relatiohship and I know he was the one not appreciative of me but I can not help thinking what he tells me that I am the one that messed up in the relationship. How can I make me feel better? I miss him regardless of his abusive personality and now, I feel that I will never have the ability to love again. Help.

  • Sara

    Erika,

    Trust me, you’re not the messed up one. Everything you describe suggests to me that he is a narcissistic personality or at the very least, he suffers from undiagnosed anxiety that causes him to project and be controlling of those who are close to him. Narcissists in particular are dangerous – they make you feel that YOU are the crazy one and are responsible. Sounding familiar? This is armchair psychology, of course, but believe me, you are clearly NOT the problem! Narcissists make you responsible for their feelings/reactions/anxiety because they are emotional children; they do not recognize others as autonomous beings outside of themselves. You are merely part of THEM. They project – and abusively so. They do not see others as individuals, at all, crazy as that may sound to the rest of us. While the “good times” feel wonderful with this personality type, recognize they are not capable of real empathy or love. It is all about what you do for them – supply. Others are just mirrors for whatever they want/feel at the time. It doesn’t mean they are not lovable, it just means they can’t love you as you deserve.

    I know when you love someone it’s impossible not to miss them – you are only human, after all. I do empathize with you :) You deserve better – and you WILL love again. I promise :) Hang in there!

  • Erika

    Thank you Sara, your comment made sense. He is an unhappy man. I really do care about him and hope that he finds help for himself. He hurt me so much I know I also need help for my self esteem. Time will allow me to heal. Thank you for listening to me.

  • frank

    i too have lost someone due to me i was hanging out with a good friend, a girl and my phone picked up and heard my conversation with this girl well i didnt know and she broke up with me last night know i feel so horrible i have never felt like this ihave been with her for 3 years and the other girl meant nothing i wish she could see it this way. this girl was my heart my soul my best friend my world and everything past that now all i can do is read this and try to feel better and learn from my mistakes. i have been listening to opera and it makes me sad but i also feel better in a way this pain wont go way this girl was my all nowi lost her due to my selfishness ave maria is the song that has helped me out a lot so i dont know i will take it day by day and hopefull someday the light will shine on mye and i can make it out of these rough times and into the good times so thanks for this post thing it makes me feel better and life oh life and i cant even begin to imagine what life would be with out love so i hope everyone begins to mend and move on the sun will shine once more

  • Sophie

    OMG this is sent from heaven! I have been going through my darkest days that past couple of months. I was in my first real relationship. I gave my heart, body and soul for the very first time. Everything was great but my “better half” was always very jealous; he would check my phone every single day and question my every action. I didn’t care because I was madly in love with him. It got so bad I felt I had to break up with him to teach him a lesson. After two day of not speaking with him I was lost. I called him and begged him to get back with me but he said he needed his time and that I had let him go. We kept talking everyday, sometimes we would see eachother and we would fight a lot. He didn’t trust me and I didn’t trust him. I kept telling him how much I wanted to be with him and he would tell me the same but said he wasn’t ready to treat me the way I deserved. I thought he was still in love with me and was bettering himself for me. I had this hope that things would work out and we would be together again. He went on a family trip to his home country and I saw all the pictures. In them he was always next to this girl and I was like WTF! He was always very defensive about her and became very secretive after that. He would always go out and party with his guys while I would be at home depressed. I would ask him to please be honest with me about everything because I would end up hating him if I found out from another source. He swore that I still had his heart, that he hadn’t hooked with anyone and that he just needed time for himself. I told him to please let me go that I didn’t want to speak to him anymore and to please leave me alone to heal. He still kept calling! Days later, after professing my love to him again and even stealing a kiss from him, I find out he has been seeing the girl from his hometown long distence. They speak every day and have even seen eachother. Why would he keep calling me? Why tell me I still had his heart. I confronted him and he said they were all lies. I told him I didn’t believe him and that he had lost me forever. It’s been 3 days and we haven’t spoken a single a word. I am dying but I know I need to move on. This blog has helped me so much, yet I still feel so much for him. Why won’t my love die? Shouldn’t all this be enough for me to hate him? Why do I still want to be with him after all this pain he has caused?

  • Sara

    Sophie, when I was going through this, a close friend would always say “don’t worry, even though it sounds like you won’t, you really will get over this one day soon”. I thought she was crazy – I was pretty convinced I would feel that pain forever! :) It does pass. I know when you are going through it, nothing really can make you feel better, and knowing that someday you’ll feel better doesn’t really resolve the pain of the moment, but I promise you will eventually look back on this and while you will remember the pain, you will no longer feel it. Just hang in there (and don’t try to rush the healing process). Best wishes. :)

  • Michael

    Sara’s right, especially when she says not to rush the healing process. I’m over a year away from the last time my heart was broken and I’m still going through it. Not that it will take you that long, I certainly hope it doesn’t. But a lot of the reason it’s taken so long, ironically, is because instead of allowing my grief to come at its own pace I kept trying to rush past it. All this does is prolong the process, as I’ve learned.

    Be good to yourself during this time. That’s the best advice I can give you.

  • Briana

    Hi Frank I think the only reason your girlfreing got mad is because of your freinship with another women but there is nothing wrong with that.As long as you be hones about what you do with this girl and mabey she was also upset at what you were talking about to this girl.The thing i think you should do is give her a little space to cool off.And then call her and ask if you can meet and talk just as freinds and just listen about what she has to say no arguing just talk.Hope you to get back together.-Briana

  • Briana

    Hi my name is Briana my situation is really bad my best freind is a guy and im secretly in love with him and he currently had gotten a girl freind i was devistated but if he was happy i was happy and one day they had gotten in to a huge argument and after he had called me and he was talking very badly of her and i defended her and of coarse he got mad and i said at least your ex didnt treat you as bad as his girlfreind now did and he had gotten really mad we had gotten into an argument and havent spoke since then wat shold i do-Briana

  • Briana

    Hi Erika well this guy seems very cold blooded and i think if he cant appreciate your love some other man can and i bet he’ll do it way better well i hope i hepled yours truely-Briana

  • Briana

    Hi Sophie well i admire you for putting heart out there.I think that you should let the relationship go because if a relatonship is goin to work out there has to be trust and honesty and you dont have that in your relationshp with this guy i think you were don g too much and he wasnt doing enough you did all you could do and there is nothing to do now.The realationship wont work beacause the spark isnt there anymore and thats what you need in arelationship.Well i hope i helped.-yours truely Briana

  • Erika

    Hi Briana,
    Hopefully this male friend comes around and finds it in his heart to forgive you. Sometimes as friends it is hard to let your friend know that they are wrong because unfortunately we expect our friends to always be on our side. However, that is not always the case. As friends we must help each other in recognizing how we can improve as human beings. Don’t be so hard on ourself and remember that you are an imperfect human being, we all are. We are bound to make mistakes and changes are he will too.
    Erika

  • Briana

    Thank you very much you have helped me very much you made alot of sence thank you for your advice i greatly appreciate it and i hope your situaton goes along well thank you -yours truely Briana :)

  • julie

    it is such a godsend to have somewhere to speak about this
    i have just had my heart completely shattered and aren’t sure i can get over this one. we went through so much together, more than most people do in their lives! and i truly thought i was gonna spend my life with him but because i made one comment he never wants to see me again!! when he split up with his first wife, he walked away from his kids too and it took him twenty years to get back in touch, by which time they didn’t wanna know. My comment was “you walked out on your own kids, why the hell would you stick around for mine?” i know i crossed the line and hurt him terribly but i didn’t mean to hurt him and honestly didn’t think he would walk out of our lives forever. he is the only father figure my youngest two know(we first got together when i was pregnant with my second and then splt up, i got pregnant again and we were together from when i was 2 months pregnant) and i dont want the kids to lose him cos they worship him!! i can’t imagine being with anyone else and don’t ever imagine getting over him but your messages give me hope. i really did think it was forever and have plummeted lower than i thought possible! i have suffered from depression for a long time and have self harmed and am woried i’ll do it again. i don’t want to. i want to be the best mum i can but i just don’t think i can be what they deserve. how the hell do i turn this around? i dont want to spend my life alone and miserable but how do i get over losing my best friend/confidant/lover/the only person who truly knows me and helped me stay sane?? i need to find a way through this for my kids sake, i know that but i just don’t see how. i have no family or friends ( i mean that literally) to help me and i just feel so utterly alone and lost without him
    sorry for going on, it’s still very very raw and hurts like hell

  • Joyce

    Hi everyone, well this is my first time ever blogging. Hi Sara well i felt better after reading your blog.
    anyway i too am another broken hearted. I was in a relationship for two yrs (i know that isn’t long compared to the 7-8yr relationships) but i loved this person with all my heart and soul and i suppose i still do, cos if i didn’t i guess it wouldn’t hurt as much. It was a complicated relationship for reasons which i can’t say it could never be (but i can say that i am a girl and so is the person i love, which complicates things because her family do not approve of same sex relationships so it was a secret which we had to keep, we couldn’t tell people how we felt about each other. and the weird thing is neither of us are actually lesbians but we fell in love with each other. Anyway we broke up about two weeks ago because weeks prior to the break up she slept with a guy which annoyd me but that was ok, i didn’t mind toomuch because it was a one off, but well i was in my last weeks of uni she began seeing him behind my back. She said it was just sex and she jst wanted a man now and then, but then the txting started, and i read her msgs and caught her out. she told me it was nothing and that she has to txt him to keep him interested. Well i told her that she either had to stop or it was over…and to my surprise she said she can’t stop. And her feelings had changed towards me and she just wanted to be best friends…we argued, i begged, asked what had changed tried to convince her she still wanted me…in the end i just confused her and things worse. So i left for a night and told her to think about what she wants…and that same night i didn’t sleep i cried all night and prayed that everyting was gonna be alright. Then i went back and i went to her house (before she got back from work) I went inside and found a double bed laid out on the floor (and it looked like 2 people had slept in it) then i saw condom rapers and such it broke my heart and i was in absolute histerics. And that was it pretty much after that…and i told her i never wanted to see her again but then i went back hoping that the thort of loosing me for good would convince her that she still loves me how she used to but she didn’t. I keep going back and we argue and fight, and just don’t know what to do. she says she still loves me and begged me to be friends with her..but i cant because she still sees that guy and i ask her to choose over and over but she says that that makes her anry because i am telling her what to do…i don’t know everything is stuffed up and i’ve turned into a bitter person. I want to hurt her like she hurt me of for someone else to do it…I feel like i can’t be happy till i see her unhappy.
    Everything is so complicated and i don’t know what to do, i just want to get over it and move on with m life and never think about her again and i do for a few days then i get this urge to see her or ring her and i do then im back in the exact same place again.
    I don’t know i have so much to say and this is becoming a novel that you the reader is getting sick of i suppose.
    What do i do, i feel like i cant live without her, and i don’t want to.
    I need help

  • http://myspace.com Jasmine

    I am just going through a heartbreak situation at this very moment. Let me start off by saying that this situation was wrong from the beginning. I met a man through some mutual friends that had just recently separated from his wife. About 2 weeks after knowing him we slept together and from that day on we had been together ever since, every moment, every free minute, every day. FOR OVER A YEAR. I realize that this was a bad idea from the beginning since he was still married and had 2 kids with this woman but, I still felt like maybe his life had some room for me too. We had a great relationship and he was my best friend and lover. 3 days ago he was asking me what kind of engagement ring i would like and we talked about how we were going to be together for ever. Yesterday, however, he told me that we needed to break up. Of course at the sound of this I was enraged and confused since 3 days ago we were so “involved” still, so i decided to tell him that we could work it out because we have worked everything out. He said no we couldnt because he has been having sexual fantasies about his ex wife. I asked how long and he said for a week and although he has not acted on these impulses he feels he has still betrayed me. This was always subconsiously an issue for me but, because i trusted him I did not think of it often. I should have known that something like this was going to happen since he still has not gotten her to get the divorce in order. Another issue with this is that I am 20 years old and he is 27 so he is my first real love. I loved him with every ounce of my body, i loved every hair on his head, and most importantly I loved the way he made me feel about myself. Because I have struggled so much in the past with my self esteem I am not sure how to go about this situation. He is telling me that i am still his best friend and that we still need to hang out all the time but, how can he expect me to do this? I would love to say that we broke up and have remained friends but I dont know how to act around him when I am not his girlfriend. I dont know why but it makes me litterally sick to my stomach to even think that i can not hold him or lay with him anymore. And to top it all off I have grown attached to his kids. What do I do?? Let time heal, I guess.

  • Katie

    Hi Sara. I’m 17 and this would be the prime years for puppy love. Sadly, I fell into it and it has been eating me inside out since our breakup. We weren’t together long, but it was long enough to dedicate your time,your trust, your understanding and forgiveness, and your heart. We don’t talk now. It’s sad because I know that she really never did love me.It’s sad that I still somehow want to strive to be friends. I can’t blame her though, everything happened so fast and dramatically. Anyways, i am currently with the ‘first’ love of my life and we plan to keep it that way. Every night since the break-up though I have been having almost to be called nightmares, which have me waking up either crying or my heart pounding and I’m feeling like shit. It’s been driving me insane and I constantly think about the dreams and her and how much I put into everything for it to be false. My partner knows of it all. It got to me so bad tonight I came searching the internet for help. And after all this rambling I have a few more things to say to you Sara. You are an amazingly real woman/ writer and I went from balling hysterically to smiling over what you wrote. I loved the pictures you used. Saved them. Last, but most importantly I want you to know that you have saved some lives in here. Just by writing a simple blog. I know I’ll come to this page and settle down through my bad days with what you wrote. Favorite part was the “I think you fucking rock.” Enough said, I’ll keep in mind what you wrote. Thank you, more than you’ll know.

  • Sara

    Julie, Joyce, Jasmine, thanks for sharing and for your wonderful comments. I hope you all find the love you so deserve. :)

    Katie, thanks so much for the sweet comments. You made my day. :)

  • z

    This is all easier said than done.
    either that or i’m just really weak.

  • Shali

    this is an amazing one!! well said.. helped me massively to not push myself too much…

  • Briana

    Hi My name is Briana you heard from me before about my bestfreind and i having a conflict.Well we are ok now but i have another problem including him im still currently in school.And he is having some problems with his grades and some of the teachers at our school and he feels that he cant handel it anymore.He wants to go to a different school and leave but i am the only one who knows because he confides in me not to say anything to any one else but he has a girlfreind and he still hasent told her.But i feel like i have to tell her because no one else would.But im not going to i really love him and i want him to stay my heart is broken help me please.-Yours Truely Briana

  • Betty

    Hi Briana,

    It’s me Betty. First and foremost, I would like to tell you that you are always in my prayers and that I love you dearly. As to your friend, I beleive since you are a good friend of his you may want to encourage him to talk to his teacher and try to work out a plan that they both can agree to. Teachers are human and they like for their students to come to them and share with them what is troubling them and/or difficult about any assignment. Try to make him see that this will get better and that both of you will get through this together. Now, about you telling his girlfriend, I think it is his place to do so. Do not step over his toes, it is his jod, if he so chooses to do so, not yours. It’s nice to know that he has a friend like you and that he feels comfortable enough to share an emberrasing situation like this. I guess give him positive encouragement and remind him that no matter what you will always be there for him, just like I will be here always for you.

    Love,
    Betty

  • Joyce

    well hi its me again,
    I tried going back hoping that she would take me back and choose me over him but i was wrong…She wants to try and build a future with this person and it is tearing me up inside. what do i do? I don’t want to have hatefull feelings towards her but i do…I can’t stand the thought of her being happy with someone else it drives me insane.
    I think im becoming overlly obsessed..but i have to drive passed her house everyday to go to and from work, and each time my heart punds because i don’t want to see his car outside her house.
    Man i seriously need some help.
    does anyone know of any other good helpful sites of stories i can look at and read to help me through this tuff time.
    My mother tells me that i will get over this, but i feel like i won’t. But i guess thats what i have to think to go on everyday.
    well i hope one day for me and all the rest of you heartbroken souls that they are the ones who will regret leaving us.
    Good luck:)
    Till im back again.

  • Anne

    Hey Joyce,
    Thats very heartbreaking… well come to thinkn of it, majority of ppl are going thru a break up these days and worse- tryoin to get over a certain sumone…
    I should tell you that there is this site that you myt wanna try – http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20000701-000035.html

    this link makes u think deep about what a relationship should be and you know about the truths of it….

    u myt wanna write whatever u r feeling and then burn it.

    here is another link that myt be helpful -
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com/

    take it from me… my ex left me twice for two different women.. i still cant get over him, coz i truly love him, sum where deep within i just know that he is not being himself… anyways its sad to watch all this rubbish
    well take it easy and if u wanna talk… i shall always be here.!!

    just remember you arent alone!

  • Anne

    dont u think a relationship is better being over rather than being dragged?
    Coz it fuckin kills when u have to keep forgiving, u feel like an ass coz u can’t get over them, and even if you try to see someone new, you definitely end breaking up with them
    Im so hurting right now. Ive forgiven my Boyfriend more than three times and i just got sick of it today
    Thoroughly disappointed in some people coz they have their ways of using you and ditching you like they meant nothing, and then in a minute play a real sad song that is related to both of you on radio and say that they sadly had to move on, coz that was the only choice left
    I need some consolation badly
    im very hurt right now

  • Briana

    Hi Betty thank you will tell him and i love you and i always will i hope we can keep in touch.I love you too and you are in prayers always. Thank you i love you.-Briana

  • Suzie Q

    Hi Sara,

    Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful words. I am currently dealing with a breakup. I thought he was the “one”. He moved from another state to be with me. Before he moved in with me, we kept in touch everyday via email and by phone. We were so in love that he eventually asked me to marry him. It had been one year and three months of living together when he decided to drop the breakup bomb in my lap. He told me he needed time to deal with things in his past, things that he had done when he was a teenager. I was half relieved to know that it wasn’t anything I had done or not done, or anything wrong with our relationship. But after finding some telltale signs that he was lying to me, I had to dig for the truth… I got into his text messages and emails, and that was when I finally found out the truth. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, that it would have hurt less if I believed we were not breaking up because he fell in love with a 19 year old girl that he works with. I just wanted the truth, not lies. I am glad I found out the truth because it helps show me how strong I am. Some days I falter, but I know I will eventually be a better, stronger person. Good luck to everyone healing a broken heart.

  • Melanie

    The ironic thing is that I’m the one who broke it off, and yet I’m the heartbroken one. We were together for 1 year and 2 months, and he was my first love. We had a lot of differences, we weren’t the most compatible couple. He was a lot more closed-minded then I was, and always had a lot of hate inside that came from a bad past. We would fight a lot, but we always made up. I loved him so much, and he was the only person who ever made me feel so beautiful, so worthwhile. He always told me how much he loved me. I had broken up with him a few times before, but it wasn’t real serious and we always got back together within the next day. He was a very jealous person, he had a lot of insecurities. It wasn’t over the top, but it did get to me enough to make me furious. He didn’t like me talking on AIM with a guy friend I had been talking to for 2 years prior to him, and constantly got on me about it. I finally told him that if he wanted to take away my freedom to interact with whoever I wished, then we couldn’t be together. God, I hate myself for that decision, I should have just stopped talking to the other guy, even if he was only a friend. I was stubborn. After I broke it off, he didn’t call back the next day like he usually did to make up. A few more days, still no call. I finally broke down and called him, but he wouldn’t answer. My friends called him, and he told them that this was the last time, and that he wanted to move on now, and the only way he knew how to do that was to stop all contact with me. I respect his decision, but my heart hurts SO bad. I want him back. I’ll I can think of are all the sweet things he had done for me, how much he had loved me, those disgusting pancakes he tried to make for me. I don’t just want him back, I NEED him back. I’ve been crying every day since. My friend told him that he needed to call me, that I was having a panic attack, and he still didn’t call me. It hurts so bad, because I know I would have been there for him no matter what if he really truly needed me, despite if we were no longer together. I wish I could do half of what everyone is suggesting, distract yourself in other things, surround yourself with friends, and get yourself out there. I’m only 18, and while I do have a car, I don’t have my license yet. Because of no transportation, I’m not currently working or going to school. My mom is either at work or at her boyfriend’s. I’m home all alone, I don’t know how to get my mind off him. How do I get him back? I really feel that he’s the one.

  • Anne

    hey sweety.. guess what, im 18 and just going thru the same thing like u r… please do drop in an email on inside_out_vonray@hotmail.com
    maybe we can talk, since we have sumthin in common
    be safe! and have hope- it doesnt kill anyone- i guess
    ive been hoping for hmmm almost 1 year now
    cant seem to get over it

  • Anne

    hey sweet sarah!! this will always make me smile…. ur page is bookmarked!! i hope that made u smile
    u tc gal

  • http://www.healthbolt.net Sara

    Anne, I think you make an important point re: dragging. :) And thanks for your kind words. :)

    Suzie Q and Melanie, thank you so much for sharing your stories. I hope that you both find love and happiness. All the best! :)

  • Courtney

    Hello Sara,

    I’m 18 and a senior in high school. As young and inexperienced as I am, I have recently been going through a heartbreak as well, and I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. This guy barely treated me right, yet I’m still completely in love with him. And its so SO hard because I have never fallen for a guy like this. We were even talking about relationships at the beginning of our relationship, and we both said how we never get attached to anyone. We were on and off for so long throughout the entire relationship, and it was the most painfuul thing I’ve ever dealt with. Normally I wouldn’t have stuck around for that. I couldn’t, and still can’t, understand why this boy has my heart. And we got in some pretty bad break up situations. For example, once when we broke up, he decided to get some of his friends and himself to throw eggs at my BODY. Not my house, not my car. My body. I had of course hooked up with two other guys at a party that we were both at the night before, so you would think the relationship would have stopped there. But it continued after he begged me for days to forgive him for the egg incident. I forgave him after that. And we continued to make up and break up for months. Finally, the day after homecoming we broke up AGAIN. It was basically mutual, but deep down i wanted to be with him so bad. We agreed to still be good friends and we were still talking every night on the phone for the next week or so. But during that week we would still argue about problems in our relationship and we would always hang up on each other, and i always went to bed crying. So finally the following Friday after homecoming, I couldn’t take the fights anymore, and I was tired of expecting us to get back together like all the times before. So I told him I wanted to stop talking, stop being friends, and stop all communication between each other. He acted like it didn’t bother him one bit, which hurt so bad and pissed me off more. I lashed out, and the last words I said to him were “Go fuck Jen”. (Jen is one of his and my good friends and another source had been telling me that he had been trying to get with her, which I later found was a lie.) So late late that Friday night he called me, drunk and nearly crying, asking why I didn’t want to be at least friends anymore. I told him we’d talk another time since he wasn’t sober. Saturday morning he texted me (he used to text me good morning every morning) and said “I dont know what I said last night but I hope we are still friends.” And I sort of avoided that subject, and chatted with him a little, but ended up arguing. He called me that night, but I made it brief. Sunday was the day I became headstrong in not talking to him. He tried calling my cell phone at least 5 times within a 15 minutes, and my house phone twice, I never answered. The next day at school, I was having a great morning up until I found out he had hooked up with Jen Friday night. The night he called me almost crying, he had hooked up with one of my best friends. I don’t know if he did it because I had sarcastically said to and to get back at me, or because he really wanted to because he used to have a thing for her. But he had also hooked up with 2 other girls on Saturday. I texted him, said I hate you, and that was the last we talked for about a week. I’ve tried talking to him in a roundabout way a few times, but not once has he made an effort, besides when it was my birthday. I got a text, and that was all. Today I tried calling to have him come get a few of his things from my house, but his response was “Naw, I don’t want to come over.” In a rude, mocking sort of voice. Its killing me that he is so careless and I feel like I’ve made sooo many mistakes and this whole thing is my fault. I’m a mess, and I can’t let go of this guy. We have been through so much together, and I’m positive he’s the first guy I’ve ever loved. Everyday, I replay everything in my mind, and it keeps getting worse. I cry all the time, and I am not one for crying. My heart has been broken, and I’m having the hardest time mending it. I can’t do it. The fact that I’m thinking of him all day everyday, and I don’t phase him at all, is whats doing the most damage. I’ve tried deleting his numbers out of my phone, deleted him from myspace, but i cant delete the thoughts of him, and i cant not see him at school everyday. He’s in my 4th period class, so i see him everyday. I love him and miss him so much, and I’m helpless. The more I try not to think about him, the more I think about him. It feels like this is never gonna go away, I’ve fallen in a deep depression, and I’m ready to just give up everything.

  • Courtney

    and i am so sorry that is so long, i didnt realize how much i was rambling.

  • Sara

    Courtney,

    First, don’t apologize for the length – this is a good place to get everything out. I’ve read your story and I have a few thoughts I’d like to share that I hope will comfort you.

    Anyone who would actually throw eggs at you is not someone you want to be with. But I am sure you know that. :) It doesn’t erase the pain of losing someone you love. That’s why love is so hard – it makes no sense and it’s often felt for the worst possible person, right? (I think we’ve all experienced that.)

    Your age doesn’t matter; you know what you felt for this guy. While I can’t take away the painful daily “replay” (man do I hear you on that one), I’ll tell you what I think. I think you are probably grieving the loss of simply feeling so deeply. This person opened you up to a new depth of emotion, and when it was taken away, the pain of that loss was and is incredibly hurtful. The fact that you were on again, off again has prolonged that pain, and in a way it can become an addictive cycle. It becomes that much harder to let go. There is always the hope that it MIGHT work out the next time; that it MIGHT get better. As to this boy and who he is, he’s not going to change. People are who they are; so while he’s capable of good, he’s also capable of bad. He’s not your guy. You deserve better, but you have to believe that. I think you know that, but still are struggling with the emotions. That’s why I think you aren’t so much grieving him (I’m sorry if that sounds rough), but grieving the loss of the chance to experience those feelings of love. When you give your heart to someone, especially for the first time, and then it’s denied, that’s a brutal slap to your heart. What you are going through is grieving, just like a death or a major separation. You are mourning the loss of what you felt you could give and what could have been.

    Try not to replay things. Find a phrase that works for you and say it – force yourself to say it – every time you start to replay. Don’t try to ignore or repress your feelings, but do try to “catch” yourself when you start replaying so you can ask yourself if feeling through those memories is useful to you or if it is simply not letting go. If you really, really just can’t stop the reminiscing, even though it hurts, that’s because your heart isn’t ready to move on. You’d rather feel the hurt than nothing at all. And that’s okay, too.

    Finally, know that this WILL pass. Just keep going and you’re going to do beautifully. And it will never, ever hurt this bad again, no matter how much you love someone. I wish you the best. Keep me posted. :)

  • Courtney

    wow thank you so much- that was incredibly helpful! I really appreciate it. And you’re right, this will pass, and it will just take time. I’m just afraid that I will take too much time, and I really just want the pain to go away. But thanks so much for listening to me, your advice was perfect. =)

  • Tess

    I don’t know how to better handle my situation and am hoping an outside source could pitch in. Well, I have been with this person for a year and (for the most part, madly in love) from day one he didn’t want a serious relationship so I let things go slowly. We’re both 24 and I know some guys his age really could care less or know less about a serious relationship. Anyway, over the next few months I had learned that he was very much in touch with his “girl” friends and I wasn’t too thrilled with the idea. About 5-6 months into our relationship, by checking his myspace, I find he is in touch with this girl in PA (we’re from NC) and he tells me they’re just friends. Well they message more and it seems like more than just friends over time and he eventually confesses that he has an interest in her and wishes to seek what could possibly be a good potential relationship because he and I were having so many arguments (mainly because I wasn’t trusting him). So, after that severe honesty from him(which was more painful than a stab in the back) and MUCH heartbreak, I let him go. Well he would go up to PA and visit her and they dated for a very short while(a few weeks at the most) but during that “while” he would still be in touch with me. So he said he couldn’t make up his mind or whatever between the two of us but still had feelings for me.Then ultimately, we find out she had been cheating on him with some other guy. So that relationship falls apart, he sees what hurt is like I guess, and then tries to come around trying to mend our relationship. Well shortly after, I let him back into my life thinking that “well… doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?”. Problem is, it’s been 5 months since that drama ended and I still can’t get over the fact of how much he hurt me and not to mention the lack of trust in our relationship now. He has apologized and I believe he has changed for the better and for the most part we get along. Yet I still question some of his actions/motives/friends and I know outright that this isn’t healthy. He says that if we are to really move on, I have to accept that he has changed and TRULY give him a second chance. I have nothing but bad dreams lately, one after another of this previous hurt. I love him deeply and I thought some month’s time would have healed things but I guess you could say I’m haunted. I feel guilty because I do know he has tried to change and prove to me his love but being that I can’t shake this off, should I let him go? I know we live in the present and all, but I definitely am haunted. I have constant feelings of inadequacy and I can’t deal with the lack of trust at times. I am definitely in the twilight zone here.

  • frank

    hey everybody brianna thanks for the comment forever ago sorry i haventbeen on but me and my girlfriend where back togher for a little while s i thought it was okay then last night the previous girl was talking to called me and she was sick my girlfriend was on the otherside of the door and and heardme it was nothing wrong i sadid but it was enough to make her break up and she said so many hurtful things i dont think she meant them but she was mad she was punchimg me and everything now today she is like so cool abut like yeah get over me whatever like she doesnt care 6 year we hav been toghethe she is my soul mate my heart and now the best thing i ever had is gone she doesnt even want to fight for the realtionship she just gave up but she is my soul mate i cant not live with out her when i read other post and i see how hurt everyone is it make me feel a lil better cuz i am not the onl one hurt but it would be better if i had some one real to talk to instead of typing but ne ways i hope everyone can make it back on there feet cuz right now it feels like the world is gonna end my mind is chaos oh radio head high an dry love tht song make me cry oh well now i am rambaling i just dont know what to do with out her let me just hope it goes away expect to see me n this website from know on cuz u people are gonna be my saving grace later when i getmy thoughts together i will tryto write more

  • Anne

    it is very sad i know, i have bookmarked this page coz i know that i end up gettin hurt all the time and then i run here and see how others are also pained coz of love.
    love is such a funny thing, when you have it, maybe you will miss the other person so much and it hurts but if you are lucky to be together as time goes on you feel frustrated coz those hormones at the begining are no more and its time to face reality! and on the otherside ppl who ‘s broken up try to get over the past. all these ways cause hurt to everyone of us…

    some times i wish i never was born. Coz im sure im heading a mental break down one of these days. Ive written before, the thing is I broke up 3 times with my ex bf who is 11 years elder to me. and kept tryin to work things out between us, coz i knew i cudnt survive without him..
    It has soo much to do with the empty space he fills in my soul – thats got me alot involved emotionally. the way he talks to me and all he says to make me who i am, to give me that smile. when he is gone it seems impossible to go on, coz there is something lacking deep down inside and not everyone understands it either… and sadly nothing comes close to him even if he hurts me by hooking up with other women all the time
    i sooo know that i deserve to be loved better, by a guy who actually has only me… instead of me being an option.. but i cant seem to get over this.. i cried out and told my mom today.. it is a big puzzle to everyone arround, as in only 18 and ive been clinging on to this for 2 years now… and putting up with all his shit… thats coz he has soo many girlfrens….
    isnt this an obssession? can hypnosis help me to remove memories of him from the past? if so i am willing to do anything. It is ore than i can take, i started to work but cant seem to go to work coz i have to pass his office which kills me. I dont know… someone help………..
    why are thoughts haunting me this much.. and how can sumthin in ur head – a wave trouble ur life this much and ppl around u as well……

  • frank

    its the next morning and it is still hard we talked on the phone last night and she said she wanted to see me one last time but i said no i couldnt come to see her knowing it would be the last time its sucks so bad 6 years of seeing her face everynight now i lost her forever i just cant believe she is giving up so easy cuz i wanna fight and inside she knows as well as i do thatwe are both soul mates and bestfriends and lovers for so long why does she want to give it up and not try i have changed for the better and i swear i never cheated on her or even kissed antoher girl but she doesnt care and what sucks is i took off almost 3 weeks after christmas for me and her know what am i gonna do be alone on th eholidays lol how depressin i jsut dont know what to do i hope everyone on this site gets better one day the rain will stop and it will be sunny again till that day u better have ur umbrella out

  • Paul

    Okay, after reading what everyone had to say, I really feel like a big baby somehow… But non the less I’ll share my 2 cents… I’ve always been a very ambitious lad, always loved business and had so much planned towards achieving that, until one day, actually that fateful day I decided I wanted to join a community join(because it was free), I bumped into this woman n have never gotten over it… Call it waht u want, but everything about her was just right for me, a little too right I think… We always were on and off mostly because I thought I was too unstable at the time to worry about being in a serious relationship, and for some reason I felt like it was my responsibility to make something of her. Wierd but true, the first time we kissed she had this expression on her face like she had been hit by a jolt of lightning, and ofcourse I felt proud of myself… Then the second and last time we kissed, I got hit by that jolt and she was the one smiling proudly with her conquest… I swear I have never felt anything like that, it was so beautiful I found my own little quiet spot and cried… The crazy thing is I never even slept with her, the last thing I remember is the feeling of losing everything when we kissed last, I was breaking it off because I still felt I had too much to handle (big bags)… Whenever I think of that moment I cry, I saw her once after that and I knew there was nothing there after… But somehow I cnt move on from that moment… She wants a gift to get over things, long story broken promises, but my life is in shambles, actually a complete mess, I’m so poor now I can’t afford to pay attention… What pains me is I dont think I care anymore, can anyone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me????????

  • Pamela

    I know how you all feel. I have recently lost the love of my life. He was everything to me. What happened you might ask? Well, we were seeing each other for a little while (long-distanced) then I moved in with him, and sold my house {BIG MISTAKE}. After a whilell he asked me to marry him, and out of the blue on September 29th he told me he didn’t want to get married anymore. I said okay that there was no rush. Well a little time went on and he told me he didn’t know what he wanted anymore–that he needed space. Then a little while after that he tells me that we were a mistake, that he didn’t want a relationship with me. He said all he wanted to be concerned with was his children and nothing else at this time. He told me that I was only there to fill the void he had for his children; now that he has his children, he doesn’t need me. Talking about rejetion; I really feel rejected and undesirable. To think that I have been in this relationship for so long that I fell deeply in love with him, and he only had a friendship love for me. I was so deceived. The sad part is I still love him so much and can’t let him go. How can I get past this heartache that is unbearable. I cry so much. My heart hurts–it feels like somthing is slicing and digging at my heart. I do want to eat. I try to go out and I feel guilty and start comparing them to him. I feel no one will want me anymore because I have two children. I feel so alone.

  • Anne

    hi pamela… hugssssssssss from me… i know it is hard… well i thought i was healed only to find out that im just in a complete wreck again… the more time goes on i guess things add up to it…

    Im hurt beyond i can imagine for being used and used and used… and for feelin guilty when i didnt do anything wrong… he made me feel guilty all the time
    and has the nerve to tell me about his gf! or wife since he loves her soo much he calls her wife….
    life is funny and i have no idea why we have been put through soo much misery
    love to all the heart broken
    we will get thru one day i guess
    untill then… lets be positive that maybe one day we will be happy
    and get our happiness, innocence, and peace of mind back

  • Ann

    Sara-This is the third time I came back to read “Good for you for feeling something and taking a risk”. It makes me feel a lot better. But yes it still hurts. It is getting better but I admit there was a time when I thought my world had ended. Nothing seemed right. I am still trying to figure out though how to get out of this. I think am a little bit but wonder if I can come out of this loss some day completely. I want to wait for him even though I know he is not. I have degraded myself by calling him and texting him again and again. Hoping to see his email or text every day but never seeing anything. Yes it hurts. I know It will get better and your words give me STRENGTH and COURAGE. Thank you.

  • frank

    to pamela ann keep strong u will get throught it i have found the best way to forget is to keep my self busy as of lately i have been blessed with acl surgery and know am able to keep riding my bike i have ridden hard and progressed a lot in my riding it takes me away for those couple hours at the skate park also i have bought a digital slr camera and have picked up photography as a nother distraction. the thing is u have to be strong some one else will come along u where born alone u will die alone so being alone for a little isnt to bad i know if we all keep strong we will find our shining light and leave the clouds behind just rember u have one life to live dont wasted it being sad and plus i am sure all u ladies are beautiful ne ways so just keep ur chin up peace

  • Amber

    I should want to move on considering he got back with his ex less then a week after screwing me over. but somehow i cant. i got myself in deeper then imaginable, with the biggest jerk of them all

  • Greg

    Im going through a prolonged heart break situation right now. I met this girl 4 years ago in a country 9000 miles away.We some how made it through a long distance relationship,me spening 8 months of the year in that other country.She finally came to the U.S with a student visa and life was perfect with us togeather.She broke up with me 2 months ago sayin,but weve seen each other everyday.When ever she calls or needs me im there.Shed give me a random goodnight kiss here and there,saying this dosent mean were dating.If I tried to give her a kiss she would back off.I feel like seeing her all the time has reopeaned my wounds and not let them heal.So has now gone on a holiday to her home country for 20 days and i miss her dearly ever though were not togeather.Before she left at the airport she said she loved me but now sounds all wierd when i call her 9000 miles away. Im really lost and dont know what to do. All I do is try to get through these 20 days 1 day at a time.

  • http://onlycomments Lil

    Hi Broken Hearts,
    MY fiance informed me 2 dys. before Christmas (while he was drunk)-he met a freak and it was on, in the middle of a dinner and gave me a wrinkle up suit that smelt of stale cigarettes for a christmas present and told me in was no longer in love with me

  • Dude

    My girlfriend and I would have been together 8 years this February if we didn’t break up on Christmas Day. We still love each other but it just doesn’t work for us anymore. Even though I know the relationship needs to be over, I can’t let go. How do you let go? Is it even totally possible? For the first time in years I feel totally lost and confused. Any time I think the weight of sadness is being lifted, I’m slammed back to heartbreak reality. Finding this site has helped and some of the posts have helped me sort some of my issues out. Thanks. However, the pity party continues and I feel doomed to a life of loneliness and misery. Loneliness, we’re all afraid of that one. So as Frank suggested I will try and keep busy and work hard not to wallow. But I know as I type this it won’t be easy and it will be a sad journey to recovery.

  • L.E

    This was possibly the most life-altering thing I’ve ever read.

    You think youre just a twentysomething blogger?

    No .. youre a lifesaver. I don’t believe anyone could have stated that more clearly.

  • frank

    dude keep ur chin up when i was breaking up with my girlfriend of 6 years i felt the same way waking up to the same person going to bed with her doing everything with her and then all gone i was destroyed in the beginining but after thinking about it it was alright its ok to be alone work on yourself and just have a good time when u know something is meant to be over it just makes it harder if u keep clinging on so its hard to say but if its meant to be over move on find something new in life that u enjoy and makes u happy me i ride my bike at the skatepark everyday and i shooot tons of photos while i am doing those things i forget about the world and its alright for those couple hours so yeah sorry to ramble

  • Dude

    So it’s been over a week since the dreadful day and things are slowly getting better. Now that she has moved out it’s easier because every time I saw her I was ripped apart. I’m back at work and trying to get into my normal routines again. Frank – the skatepark has helped and the fact the we have 5 in town helps. Having understanding friends and a hilarious stack of DVDs has been important also (OK beer too). Well, I guess I’m writing to say to others that when you read these posts it’s hard to believe the pain will subside. It does and it will.

  • Liyana

    i just got dumped yesterday. Both of us were involved in a pretty big school programme and he had a bigger responsibility than me. He seemed so stressed out so i let him be alone for a while. This programme lasted 3 days and without saying anything, he just text me “i want to break up..” and 2 minutes later “we can be friends right? ^^” i was getting off my bus at the time while he was with some of our friends and it was raining hard. it just hurts so much… more than 6 months together, knowing all the time that he hadn’t moved on from his previous relationship (it was tragic), knowing i was never no. 1… i just wanted to be there for him. i love him still. i want to talk things out. it was just so sudden but he’s strongly against even talking to me now. still, the way he dumped me showed me how much of a jerk he could be. i’m in all his classes by the way. his friends are my friends and vice versa. i just…. i’ll be strong… i’ll try my best!

  • steph

    I too am going through a horrible break up. I cant seem to get out of bed. I hurt so much. Everyone says its going to get better, I dont see it happening. I spent 5 great months with a person who I truely believed was “the one”. We never fought, we never argued, always good times and laughs. Then one day he just ups and breaks up with me. Says he thought he was ready to settle down, but isn’t. Well thats nice for him, but what about me. We both became very close to each others families, and everything reminds me of him. I dont know what to do anymore…

  • steph

    I too am going through a horrible break up. I cant seem to get out of bed. I hurt so much. Everyone says its going to get better, I dont see it happening. I spent 5 great months with a person who I truely believed was “the one”. We never fought, we never argued, always good times and laughs. Then one day he just ups and breaks up with me. Says he thought he was ready to settle down, but isn’t. Well thats nice for him, but what about me. We both became very close to each others families, and everything reminds me of him. I dont know what to do anymore…it seems hopeless.

  • steph

    sorry for the double post…

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    After my ex broke up with me about 2 months ago, I found myself being amazed at how humans interact. How can two people share so much history in 3.6 years and then just leave? How can feelings die? How come one is willing to fight for what is right and the other one can just walk away without even looking back? It is a weird concept. I once broke up with a guy after dating him for 7 months and he begged me to stay and I didnt. Now I completely understand what he went through. Break ups hurt like hell. Sometimes I wish someone could of told me that relationships could hurt this much. I wake up with a heavy heart everyday and being sad. I can never imagine putting myself through so much pain once again…I guess this is a lesson learned…

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    Liyana and Steph,

    I am sorry that you guys are not doing well. It is hard to move pass this phase. I am at this phase, but I feel like everyday it gets a tiny bit better. Take your time to mourn this loss. I mean you lost what you really cared for and that is normal. However, at some point you need to get up and be strong for your sake. Talk it out, cry, feel this whole thing. But at some point you will get soo sick of feeling so down that you will move on. You are going to get better with time.

  • http://twinklesurfaaim.com SJ

    My name is SJ, i’m 18 and a freshman in college. i, like many others here, have just had my heart shredded to bits. i lost my virginity in october to a guy who i thought really cared about me. after three months of agony, and anticipation as to how he felt about me, he finally asked me out in december. after hooking up for three months, i could finally tell that he really cared for me, and could not have been happier when he asked me to be his girlfriend…but a week later he told me “he just wasn’t that into it anymore, and just wanted to be friends.” …even though just a few days before he had been acting so completely normal!

    it absolutely broke my heart because i gave him something most girls value deeply, and i think he was just using me for sex…it hurts so bad to know that the guy you care so much about, and would do anything for, just wanted you in bed.

    But even after we’ve broken up, we’ve hooked up a few times, and they’re been more passionate and better than ever…like holding my hand and calling me “babe” and everything in between. but when we hang out with our friends it’s like it never happened. i keep hoping that after we hook up, things will be better again…but all and all, i think i’m just a fool.

    i’m sorry for ranting, but i just needed to get that off of my chest.

  • heartbroken

    IM SO HEARTBROKEN, I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE. I HAD HIS CHILD AND GAVE HIM ALL OF ME AND IN RETURN HE WALKS AWAY FROM ME TELLING ME HIS NOT HAPPY SO HE CANT MAKE ME HAPPY. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO COLD, I DONT THINK I CAN TRUST ANOTHER MAN. THE PAIN IS TO MUCH I CANT SLEEP I JUST FIND MYSELF CRYING. IM SO ANGRY BUT I JUST CANT STOP LOVING HIM. HELP!

  • Anne

    Hey Amy.. u r soo sweet! and i actually thought about the whole concept of being together… and then havin nothin to do with each other at all… the world works in a funny way now…

    there is no love or true love anymore… where one person is genuinely concerned about another purely coz they care.. lets say its very rare!

    but ive been cryin over a broken relationship for close to 2 yrs now.. and i finally managed to take a long look at it with my head… coz amongst all these ppl we know.. there are sum who love us.. but we are too blind to see… sadly…

    we just run behind sumthin that isnt worth the time.. if they left us and gave us soo much pain and if they didnt give a second thought on how it will affect our lives (the break up) i guess we have to realise the truth! which is… how much they loved us..

    as much as i wanted to … or as much as anyone will be tempted to paint a pretty picture about our exes by not blamin them or just making up excuses is not gonna help… like my sister told me.. i just had to see and reflect on the truth! which was he never cared and is fine without us.. and its just sad coz we are wasting time and energy on sumthin that isnt worth at all!

    observe the pain! feeel it… let it out, cry, scream shout… hug a close fren and just weep!! and get it out of ur system! and then … just look around… there are ppl who love us.. family will never let go.. close frens.. and there are many others… but we are too blind to see… blinded by a love thats just too painful to let go!!! think with ur head.. it takes u far i guess

    thats wat im doing.. ive accepted a proposal from sumone who’s always been there… who’s watched me cry, who’s listened to me and been absolutly nice and patient with me… and Ive realised that im fallin in love with him…

    so have hope…. and remember u are not alone! heartaches are jus there to make u a strong person.. and also for u to identify who loves truly and who the pretenders are!
    be brave my good frens! i wish as much love as u can possibly think of!
    Anne

  • Anne

    Hey SJ that pains like a bitch! i can imagine .. hugs **** be brave sweety! just dont let anyone get u down

    as to u Heartbroken i dunno wat to say! he is a real jerk! gawd how could he??
    :@
    i will pray for u

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    Heartbroken,
    I know it hurts. I think is more like a train dragging you for miles and miles. Or like a huge rock laying on top of you, right? Or maybe there is no way to describe because nothing comes close to this pain. However, the bright side is it will go away… that hurt will very very slowly go away…I didnt believe it either when somebody told me…but here I am giving you this advice because I dont carry that heavy heavy weight anymore. I am not saying that I am over it, but it doesnt hurt that much.

    I dont blame you for not trusting another man. A part of still cannot see myself giving my heart out to another person, because why go through another heart break right? At some point you will start dating and you probably wont invest too much emotionally. You will just date for the sake of it. However, after a couple of more relationships you will find that guy who you are willing to take the risk.

    For now, just give yourself time to cry, feel it and be hurt. But remember that you still have a child. He/she needs you. There is still love…. be strong!!

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    Anne,

    At this time in my life my opinion on love is very confusing. A part of me wants to believe that there is ever lasting love, but another part is still in disbelief on what happened. At the end of the day, it is what it is, right? We all still need to wake up everyday, work, study, breath, eat sleep and etc. We cant stop living, but the other person certaintly did not. I now believe that everyday is a learning experience.

    Congrats on the marriage proposal! Prove to me that there is fairy tale love! There is still hope for the rest of us…
    Amy.

  • tears

    i think heartbreak in general feels the same for everybody, that dark, stabbing feeling that hits you like you are about to die when you wake up in the morning and realise you were dreaming of what used to be.

    This article did help me, particularly the bit about it not being your fault, and that you’re allowed to feel, that’s what life is about.

    I feel like i have to get this out.
    My ex was my best friend for a year before i had feelings for him, he always had feelings for me from the moment we met. I’m still quite young and we met at the end of school. We were together for 2 and a half years and he is and was my bestest ever friend. But we had so many rocky paths in our relationship. I tried so, so hard to make it work, and it did, it went wrong then worked again, over and over. Every time it got right again, there was a feeling deep down that i knew i was going to hurt again eventually.

    Then one day, out of the blue, he did leave me. ‘Properley’ apparently. A week later he was kissing me again, saying he thought the world of me. So for months, we had been acting as if we were together without officially saying we were. I fooled myself that i was fine with it and not in love any more, that we were in a casual relationship (despite me worshipping the ground he worked on and neither of us getting with anyone else).

    I thought it was fine. I thought it was different this time. Suddenly he cooled off, again. Even though we’re not ‘officially together’, he decides he doesn’t want me again. Although he does see me as his best friend and would hate to not have me in his life.

    He told me that if i did get with another guy he wouldn’t mind and that he’d be happy i was moving on. That hurt more than anything :( I can’t believe he wants me to move on. I feel like such an idiot for going back to him straight after he left me, all because of an overwhelming relief that he obviously wanted me after all. I KNEW, I KNEW in my heart that it was wrong, that i should have told him where to go, but i couldn’t help it. I can’t help it now, as i sit writing this through tears.

    I feel so much for him and i know i’m going to keep seeing him for fear of losing my best friend, and that it’s constantly going to hurt.
    I hate myself for doing it. My heart just constantly over rules my head :(

  • tears

    by the way, i dont think i gave it justice in my last post – this article is awesome. Thank you so much for it. It’s not only the content that has affected me, but the fact that it has had such an impact on the lives of everyone that has read it.

    I want to be a writer and my dream is to affect people’s lives with my work, you have done that, therefore you are an inspiration to me in more ways than one.

    Thank you and well done.

  • Greg

    Hey Tears!!

    I went through the same thing with my x gf. She did the exact same thing then left on the holiday we were supposto to go on together and completely ignored me. Its mean and its heartless….I was where you were and everyone said I would move on, but I never believed them. Now I kind of see the light getting brighter. Im starting to find that the whole friends this does not work and only make sit worse….

    Take Care

  • Dude

    So true on the ‘just being friends’ thing. I actually went out with the ex over the weekend and had a great time but then the date was over. Reality came hurtling back at me and the heartbreak was back strong as ever. It definitely put a set back to the healing process. Take time for yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. But stay away from that self pity crap. It will never be the same again, accept that. Stay positive and keep moving forward with your life. And keep posting because it helps to get those clinging thoughts out of your head.

  • http://none Liam

    Thanks …
    Its been about a year and some times its still a wee bit tough like tonight.
    I just typed a huge spiel into google about how i felt (strange but hey) hit enter and your blog above just about hit the spot.
    there’s a lot to be said for positive reinforcement.

    Cheers & God Bless

    Liam

  • http://country_gurl3004yahoo.com Britt

    Your words have really helped my self esteem. My sorrow and heartache feel like its eating me from the inside out. Its hard to eat, I cant sleep for long periods of time. But honestly, what you have said made me rethink my approach to the situation at hand. I do thank you very much, it was a delightful read.

  • http://country_gurl3004yahoo.com Britt

    Alright here is the jist of my story. I have beenw ith this guy since day 1! litterlly!. Me and him fell inlove instantly. I was with him for 2 years, for the majority of the 2 years he didnt have a job, it was up to me to keep the house, the bills, the food, everything! I didnt complain not 1 time. I excepted him because I loved him so much, he had nothing to offer anyone and I was there for him when no one else was. He became my best friend. He was my first love. after about 1 year we got engaged. We didnt have the money for a ring but that didnt matter to us. Finally this december he got a job. wasnt much but it was a job none the less. Around the time he got the job mine finally conked out. So he became the one takeing care of us. I havnt worked since Jan 1st. this all starts last week, I went into the bathroom to straighten my hair and he kiss’s me and tells me he is going outside for some air. I said ok (not thinkging anything obout it.). Not a few minutes later I hear him talking to someone, I am like who is outside. so I go and check it out, he is outside behind the shed talking on the phone with his manger from work(she is female and quote “The nicest sweetheart I have ever met” >

  • http://country_gurl3004yahoo.com Britt

    Sorry I keep thinking I am typeing more then I am. Anyway more to the story. He tells me he loves me and ther is nothing going on with her after he breaks up with me. Then one night he doesnt come home from work. I wake up at 3am wonderin wher the hell he is. I call him and ask him why he aint home. So then I have an idea, I get up and go up to his work and quess what they are closed. So I call him and cuss the hell out of him. I am furious! Anyway he winds up getting home at 6am in the morning looks at me and tells me he was at his friends house the whole time he just got drunk. I belived him because I loved him but later that night I went to the girls house after he left me to go with her. I went to her house and he came outside and got mad cause i was there….now aint that stupid……anyway I threw his stuff out and well now me and him are just trying to be friends. He comes to my house all the time, he tells me he still loves me, but when she is on the phone he wont mention a word about me. Its like I am the ghost of his past. But anyway from what I hear she gets around, and he has already seen 1 time when she was “unfaithful” that didnt make him happy. So he is getting his >XD

  • http://twinklesurfaaim.com SJ

    anne-thanks for the lift up, *huuuug!*

    tears- i feel your pain! even after this guy and i broke up, i STILL hook up with him, even when i know i shouldn’t.

    true, it does seem like my heart is always takes over my head….any suggestions on how to ignore my heart and think with my head?

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    It has been almost 2 and half months since my break up and I am trying to move on. I never thought it could be sooo hard!! I am trying to find new activities, join social groups, and just keep myself busy. But sometimes no matter how much I try I feel like my head goes back to those memories!! AH….it is driving me crazy how they are haunting me….I can be having a great day then all of a sudden I feel like crap because something remind me of him… The sad truth is, I know he had already moved on, but I am still stuck at this limbo state…

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    SJ,

    I would try really hard to remember all the crap that he made you go through. Try to sit down and think of all the flaws and fights you guys had. I think right now in your head all you can remember are the good memories, because they were the most precious ones. However, make yourself see for what the relationship really was! Be honest, how do you feel after you hook with him and then he leaves? Isnt it a crappy feeling? Be strong…!! If you keep focusing on this one guy, you wont have time to meet someone who truly appreciates how great and awesome you are!!

  • Dan

    In 32 years I’ve been in love twice – the first time I married her only to be hurt so bad I thought I’d never repair, the second time lasted a year – deepest love I’ve ever felt…and then she turned out to be a player – I’m at a loss, why do nice, kind people get so hurt. Always been a firm believer in true love but can’t bare another broken heart, the pain is much too real – I can only hope things change with time. You guys are all very inspirational and I sincerely thank you for sharing your feelings, it’s not easy.

  • Sholl

    It’s nice to see where one can go to a place like this to let ur feelings be heard and know people are hurting just as myself.

    My situation is somewhat similar, i guess. I recently broke up with my fiance after being together for 6 years. We had a long distance relationship for 4 yrs but eventually i left everything to be with him and moved out of state for him. We then lived together for the past 2 years. We had our good times but the problems that came was his family. They liked to interfere in our lives and basically want him to be with them for every single event, holiday there was. I went and went and soon realized their family wanted to control us (or him). I told him and he got defensive and always took there side, no matter what. He never defended me when it came to his family. They did not want to let him go and let him lead his life with me and he’s in his 30s. And here i left my family to be treated like this. They always made little sarcastic jokes to me that knew I didnt like. That was our main battle. Recently he would be working late nites at work, which i didnt think of since it happens time to time. I suddenly started seeing a change in his behavior and he was getting rude with me at any little thing i would ask. Soon i found out that he was cheating on me with one of his ex co-workers (and he is a manager himself!) and that she is pregnant with his baby while engaged to me. He says he feels nothing for her and loves only me and that he was stupid and weak. I dont know when he was going to tell me all this. At first his family was sympathetic towards me but days later they changed their tune and blamed me. Soon after…i moved out of the apt and left him. Till this day, all he can say is that i left everything and he didnt tell me to leave. Why doesnt he realize I left for what he did? Instead he is turning it around on me as if i cheated on him. He says people has done worse than this. And now he is saying he knows its his baby and has to ‘help’ out. This is a girl who gets around and is admitting its his. Till now he emails me every single day saying he knows he messed up, misses me, im the only love of his life, & one day we will be together and start our own family. But he will not show his familly his TRUE feelings since they dont like me. When we do talk he comes back to blaming me for leaving. I believe he has 2 personalities…and trying to please everyone in his life. I told him many times to stop contacting me and he wont stop. Why is he acting like this???

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    Let me ask you guys this… how do you fill the gap inside? is like this emptiness inside…

  • Distant Drumming

    For almost eight years, I had an on again, off again relationship with a man that could have been my everything. Finally, over a year ago, it ended for good. I still think about him and wonder – what was I supposed to learn from this?
    Then I see someone on the street that looks like him, or a song, a curve of the face or a laugh similiar, and it brings it all flooding back. I want to move on, but I feel haunted.

    The suggestions above are helpful, and I have tried them all and more. I have even tried ones that are not so useful, like distractions and drinking, and dating too many men.

    I can’t seem to shake this man and the hold he has on my soul. Perhaps finally giving him up will mean giving up some of my hopes and dreams for my life.

    I am getting older too, and think perhaps I let it drag on far too long, and now it may be too late to meet someone new, fall in love and have babies. Do you know the song WASTED TIME by the Eagles? I can’t help thinking maybe time with him was wasted time, or this is wasted time: this pining away.

    Every night, I pray that I will get over him. I go thru emotions like I HATE him, and then I want him to find love in his life and be happy with someone, for once in his life. Sometimes, I wish I never met him, and I think about that fateful day that changed the course of my life for 8 years. Where would I be if I never met him? Would I be happier? Any wiser? With someone else, who could love me?

    I really need to get over this, and sometimes I think I am so ready to move on, and then the grief and regrets flood back in, …repeat, repeat, repeat.

    I hope that I am not an old woman some day, alone, and thinking about him, the one who broke my heart so long ago.

  • Liyana

    i’m the same Liyana from the top… gosh…. can you believe that i took him back when he asked for me back? we got together again… and then, a week later, we nearly broke up again but managed to talk things through. suddenly, when everything was going well, he says to me “let’s just be friends” and all i could do was nod and say “yah”… couldn’t say anything else… our group of friends were walking a distance in front of us so… i even dressed up my best for him that night. wanted to get him back but it didn’t work. haha.. i feel like trash. i keep taking him back while he just keeps dumping me. i even gave him my body… i want so bad to just cry it out but no tears flow out. now… we’re still friends but he messages me things that seem to give me hope. he admits that he’s been selfish and he’s sorry. he says he’s feeling all crazy and unstable.. i feel that way too. i guess for now… we just need to have some space from each other. it’ll be sweet if the love grows again… his birthday is in 2 days.. i even planned it out. go to a dinner, take wacky photos at a photo booth, a long stress-relieving walk together at night and dedicate Celine Dion’s “I Love You”…. however, i appreciate him for telling me how he feels and not continue a relationship which he himself is unsure of. i’m glad we’re still friends… i’ll try to always be there for him even when i don’t love him anymore… be strong everyone!

  • Still picking up the pieces

    I’m 22 and after three and a half years my ex whos 33 had a breakdown and cheated on me. The girl is from overseas and has nowhere else to go and so has to stay at his place until she’s able to get a new job. We both know it’s best we don’t stay in contact for the time being, while he sorts his head out, regardless of whether or not we ever get back together. We were best friends and he’d just told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me so I decided to postpone my studies to work so we’d have more time together. I would never have normally done that but after such a long time I put too much trust in him. I found out 6 weeks ago when she picked up his landline and its less than a week since he and I last spoke but it kills me that I know I can’t talk to him, even though its for the best. On top of all this girl has harrassed me via phone, put my number on websites, signed me up to services when all i’ve tried to do is be dignified. My friends have been great but even I’m tired of this now. I know this will pass but today I felt like wallowing. Thanks!

  • Matthew

    Well I felt weird for googling how to heal a broken heart, but I see I am not the only one.

    My breakup happened last nigh. I didn’t sleep at all after. Things were just fine and she said “I need to talk to you or I am not going to sleep at all. I want things to go back the way they were.” I immediately thought ‘impossible’.

    So here is a little background info on us.
    I moved in with her as a friend. She was my roomie/landlord. We spent all our time together, nights weekends, days off. We instantly became the best of friends. She is the sweetest thing I have ever known. Everything I was looking for and more.

    I completely fell in love with her but kept my feelings inside incase they were not returned. It got too much to hide and I thought what if she is doing the same thing? Then we’ll both never know how we feel for each other, so I wrote to her, telling her how I felt. I don’t think she was shocked, everyone already thought we were married because of our relationship.

    So we got together. Things were great. It felt so natural to be with her, like it was meant to be. So time goes by and I thought everything was fine untill last week I leaned over to give her a goodnight kiss and she said “why do you always want to kiss me so much?” I thought that to be kind of strange since I always kissed her goodnight. Then she dumps this on me lastnight and I am crushed.

    I can’t move out, we live together and she needs my rent to pay the mortgage. Now, I know that is not my problem, but I am not going to do that to her, I love her with all my heart and would not make her sell her house just because we aren’t together.

    I do know that her doctor just put her on some type of ‘crazy’ medication, so maybe this is all an effect of that. That’s why I can’t hate her. I don’t think it is her fault and that with some time, maybe she will realize what she lost. I mean, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her and nothing I didn’t do for her. So now we are both stuck with the awkwardness of each other around the house. I don’t want it to be that way. If it could be the way it was before, I would do it in a heartbeat, but we shared so much togeteher, it is hard to imagine not being with her. I will never give up hope…ever.

  • http://laurayahoo.com laura

    Mathew, I just got out of a similar relationship, except mine was that he wanted to be friends until we worked on things. Not to put a damper on anything, but 2 days later he had another woman pick him up from my house. The friends thing doesnt work out really well because there will always be issues between the 2 of you. If you would like to heal your heart and she is the only one who can do that, then things will happen. When you 2 are alone, dont bring things up, however hard it may be. Just try to be yourself around her. Maker her laugh and have fun. Wait a few weeks befor you 2 do anything together personally. I would suggest takeing one night to yourself’s. Take her to the movies, but then suprise her and take her to ride gocarts or something. The greatest thing a man could ever give a woman is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.

  • Kendra

    I think men are self centered assholes. Last night my boyfriend broke up with me I’m not sure why it really upsets me because the night before he was telling me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me and be with me forever and the next day end things? Also, the way he did it was cold and heartless this stupid excuse for a man played his little role really well and totally took advantage of my feelings his friends warned my friends about him who warned me but I was already in too deep ‘blinded by love’ i realize my story isn’t as dramatic or heartbreaking, I’m sure, as some of the others I’ve read but I am hurt and wanted to get it out. Rambling on about it makes me feel a lot better. :)

  • http://laurayahoo.com laura

    Anything said is better then nothing. You cant keep your feelings bottled up inside all the time. People tend to hide there feelings but when the root runs deeper then imagined, well drama can come from nowhere. Take as much time as you need to get over things. If you truely do not wish for him back then dont hang out where you know he hangs out. If you feel like there is a chance between the 2 of you and you both wish to give things a second shot, then go for it. Lines have already been crossed, rules have been bent.

  • Kendra

    We already worked things out but thanks for your advice anyways :)

  • Dana

    You know what I think, I think that the reason we turn to reading the heart breaking stories of other people is so we can feel better about our own situations I know all of you feel empty and lost inside and you know deep down you will get over it. before you met this person you were something whole and confidant you were your own person you didn’t need someone else (as much as you may love them) you were you and you didn’t think twice about what you wanted to do in life. i’m sure you all really do feel hurt and betrayed by your partner but things will get better if this person did this to you then CLEARLY they weren’t the right one for you and all of you should know that there is someone out there who wants to treat you right and make you feel happy instead of making you regret that you ever trusted this person in the first place. anyways sorry about my drunken speach but I tought you should all know you seen like wonderful people and you deserve the best people in life the ones who treat you like royalty.

  • claire

    Dana, u have a very valid point there. i’ve just googled this site, was sitting in on a sat nite feeling sorry for myself,missing him, though god knows why!!! It’s been 5 months since we split,the relationship was always hard work, bad times far out weighed the good. Friends say i had a lucky escape from a four yr relationship. He was controllling and emotionally abusive. So why the hell do i miss him so much?? I won’t go out incase i bump into him, he doesn’t know it but is still controlling my life. i hold on to the thought that it won’t always be like this, this feeling has to end soon, i just wish it would hurry up so i can go out and have fun again. Do i miss him or do i miss having someone? im still trying to work that one out. Hang in there people, it won’t always feel like this. Something or someone is waiting around the corner. This experience can only make us stronger people. there is someone out there whowill treat us the way we deserve to be treated, be patient. Thats wot im told!!

  • http://laurayahoo.com laura

    You miss him so much because he has always been there with you. Being alone is a horrible feeling, but its harder when they are there and you have no real idea of what is going to happen to the two of you.

  • Dude

    My ex finally moved her stuff out the house yesterday. She stayed the night and things were great. Then she left and reality came back, we’re broken up. I’m worse off now than I was 2 days ago. Being alone sucks but I believe it is the only path to truly moving on. There really is truth in the old saying ‘out of sight, out of mind’. I definitely think about her less when she’s not around, which leaves more time to spend healing myself. That’s was this process is, healing. Seeing the ex just re-opens old wounds that you spent heatbroken days and sleepless nights trying to heal.
    I don’t know if this post helpful or even makes any sense but it sure feels good to get this out.

  • Andrea

    Doesn’t it scare anyone to know that someone they trusted so much and loved can make them feel this way so empty and worthless? relationships suck and so does love. Over one person I’m going to be really insecure and have my guards up all the time in my next relationship all because of ONE stupid fuck who hurt me… Puke.

  • Sholl

    That’s good to know you are finding to move on.
    My fiance keeps emailing me saying he loves me and misses me still (2+ months later) and that he’s sorry for what he did but when we have some contact he blames me for leaving him. I moved out of our place after i found out he cheated on me and she is now pregnant. But he is still contacting me after telling him several times to stop. He told me he has to help out w/ the baby when he doesnt even know its his. So what does he want with me? :-[

  • Dude

    Sholl – Sounds like he’s afraid to cut his safety net, which is you. My ex is doing the same thing with texts, phone calls, and stopping by the house. Two days ago I told her it had to stop and so far that’s been a good move. I don’t feel like I’m being strung along and am not anxiously waiting for her call. I admit its tough but I think the best thing to do is cut the cord and look out for #1. You. Stay strong, you rock!

  • Kelsey

    So, um my boyfriend broke up with me but I don’t think he has anything to do with it I think he’s scum but I think I miss having someone period. anyways, I haven’t had an appetite and I haven’t been getting much sleep.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

  • http://www.nothing.com Amy

    Kelsey, there is nothing wrong with you!! A part of you is probably still in shock, so your body is just reacting to this change. Have positive thoughts, make yourself move around and eat a little by little. I didnt eat the first 48 – 72 hours. I had to force myself eat a little everyday for like 2 weeks. Good luck and be strong..!

  • Cale

    Sara, i’ve been reading all your advice you sound very knowledgeable so i would like to seek your advice. I am 16 yes young but i’ve been dating this girl for 8 months.. no biggy but we recently broke up and i find the pain tremendous. i mean i couldn’t bear a thought without her. But we broke up as most young couples do through arguements. but what makes this unique is the journey and events that came up to our breaking up. She was origanally dating my good friend but he ” hit it” then “quit it” and moved away.. taking her virginity but she wanted to date me so i said yes after months of friendship. But for the first 4 months she was secretely carrying on a emotional relationship with the guy over the phone and email. until i found out. i gave her a second chance. i wouldn’t let this be. So what confuses me is did she really mean “i love you” or was she tired of me. because we did break up over that fact that we argued so much.

  • rich

    het is soms maar goed dat wij mensen 2 kanten hebben,want aan de ene kant kwam ik er niet meer uit,en aan de andere kant is mijn hart gebroken,ik sta nu aan de kant.
    maar vandaar uit ga ik het opnieuw van alle kanten bekijken,maar dan zonder roze bril,want waar een weg is,is een wil,groetjes

  • http://anderesite rich

    mischien mag ik eens proberen zoals vroeger of ik nog de (gave)heb om mens en dier te kunnen en mogen helpen,beloof niks,alleen dat het gratis zal zijn,en ik het niet altijd kan zoals op tv,sucses iedereen doei doei

  • Amber

    Im laying in my bed, eyes full of tears suddenly coming true is all my fears. My heart is breaking Im full of pain, my deep sorrow is driving me insane. I want to scream, I want to yell but I must never admit how hard I fell…

  • Amber

    My boyfriend broke up with me becuase he thought i dumped him so he moved on then out that my friend sent him a message saying it was over but his phone died and he could not find his charger so i couldnt talk to him then he got a new girl and now im said but my friend asked him if he still loves me and he said “YES”
    someone help me please!!!!!!!

  • Amber

    … I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant do anything without crying what do i do?

  • Trish

    I found your blog and it touched my heart. I just got “sacrificed” by my boyfriend (his words-not mine). He and I started out early last year as just talking on the phone, being friends, getting to know each other and then it progressed into “dating” and then “seeing each other” only. Recently his daughter’s mother told him that if he did not get back with her (it has been over 7 years) she would leave the state and take his child. She knew he was seeing me, saw where it was going, and was continually attempting to circumvent us. I guess she won. Rather than seek legal intevention because her threat was so immediate, I get a phone call that I have been “sacrificed”. He says he does not want to lose me, wants me to remain in his life, that he cares about me more than any woman in his whole life, yet he was not strong enough to fight for me, for us. And I am devastated. Thank you for your blog. It made me realize that all that I am feeling, the insecurities, the lack of sleep, the lack of eating, is all normal. But still hurts all the same because he won’t let him help him fix this in a way where he could have both, his daughter and me. I wonder if others have had this happen to them as well?

  • Distant Drumming

    I have been reading postings at this site for some time now…and the one thing that strikes me is how many women have been f*cked over by some guy. I want to say to all of you and to myself: GET A LIFE. We need to move on and spend as much time taking care of ourselves and growing and loving ourselves, as we have spent loving and pineing over these aSSh*les that we claim to love. I am getting mad now, watching beautiful, sensitive women sacrifice their love, and happiness and sanity and even health sometimes, on useless, damaged, broken men. It is time to get strong and to move on – to love and a better life now.
    Peace, DD

  • Sholl

    Hi Trish. I know somewhat how you are feeling. My relationship w/ my ex for past 6 yrs was broken when he cheated on me 3 months ago and now the other girl is pregnant. This girl was already starting to torture my life in just a matter of weeks. I knew what i had to do and left his sorry a$$. Yes it hurts and was the hardest decision I had to face, thus far. But it was the best decison for ME and to be happy again and gradually move on. He still msgs me every day saying he misses me, he loves me and to come back home to him. But he also says that he cant leave and has to be there for the baby (he doesnt know if its his baby yet) to help out. He never could fight/defend me either. I know I would not be able to go through all the baby mama drama. And i know that this child will come first now (if his). He still cant let me go.

    Just be strong and know that prince charming is looking for you and will make you his #1 priority. Life is too short to live with regrets. Your time will come.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    ok gals I need your help.. I tried to have a long distance relationship with a great gal and it didn’t work.. Let me give you some background. I met her at a Notre Dame game, I’m divorced and she is single and never been married. we talked and texted each other after the game for almost a month. She came to my state and spent the weekend and we got along great. She made another trip back three weeks later and it went well again. I made a trip to her state three weeks later and again it went well. When she dropped me off at the airport she asked me to promise her that she could travel to my state and see me again and I said yes. While I was at the airport I texted her several times with no response back. She finally called me later in the day and said she was busy. Ok I can understand that and let it be. This was on a Tuesday. I did not hear back from her on Wed, Thurs and Friday.
    Now I am divorced with kids and there is a twelve year difference in our ages. I am 44 she is 32. Over the first month of talking she talked about moving to my state to make things work and she would not ask me to move due to my kids, I have joint custody.. She has told me several times her biological clock is ticking.
    Now when she finally talked to me on Friday night she told me that she could never move from her state and so whats the point of a relationship and we are at different places in our lives. She wants kids, which I said I would have with her no problem. She is very close to her family. Maybe I should have offered to move to her state to keep her close to her family. this all started the first week of November ’07. It ended Middle of Jan ’08.. She will not text me back and I really care about her, I love her.. The last text I sent I told her that my love is real and I would move to her state to show her how much I did care. I said that if I dont hear back from her then I know her answer and never talk to her again. I told her life is full of chances and you never know what can happen.
    My personality is a giver and a pleaser. I love being romantic and taking care of her needs first.. Ok gals what happened????

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    By the way she broke my heart!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.saraost.com Sara

    Hi everyone, even though I don’t write Healthbolt anymore, it makes me happy to come back and read all your stories. Best wishes to you all.

  • julie

    wow this whole thing is super intense. i really want to just spill out all that is inside of me, and hopefully it will make me feel better and maybe even get me some good advice. So here is my situation…. i have been head over heals for this guy since the day i met him.at the time he was older and there was just no way we could have been together under all the circumstances. (this is not a creepy story! hes just 3 years older) so couple years down the road we finally broke the friend barrier and did the dating thing. It was great but i was just really apprehensive about a relationship- mainly because i had just gotten out of a relationship prior to our fling. well at the time my feelings got confused and i ended up going back to my ex boyfriend…leaving something that could have been great. Me and the boyfriend eventually break things off for good and once again about a year later I started to talk to my guy again. I was so happy he was interested in talking again, after i had pretty much just cut things off out of the blue before. However, this time he had a gaurd up. He was holding me at arms length and i excepted that. I took things slow and gave him space assuming he would come around, and realize this time i was serious! Well one minor detail i havent thrown in yet is the fact that i live two hours away from him, i go to school a couple cities away. Well this guy was always so great because he is so focused and work and making money that other girls arent an issue. so i was confident he would be fine just hanging out with me and working. Well, this weekend he threw this at me “i’ve been seeing someone else” he told me. “it’s not serious at all, i just feel guilty”. i mean we arent technically together, so he can do what he wants but it still hurt so bad. he then goes on to explain that since we started talking again he realized how much he wanted a girlfriend in his life, that when I am not there he feels like there is a part of him missing, and he just can handle that feeling… and seeing as how i live two hours away, this girlfriend could not be me. Although i am “everything he wants in a girl” he can “never have me,” or so he said. i feel very confused and lost right now. In this situation do i put up a fight, tell him i think he’s making a huge mistake, or do i hold my head up and let him go on. He is very laid back and hard to read, and i just dont want to push him away forever. but at the same time, i don’t want to hang around waiting with false hope.

  • julie

    as far as irishmans situation…..i wish i had good advice for you. i can completely understand that long distance loss of communication burden. i’ve found it’s hard to truly know whats going on with the other person when it seems a lot of feelings go unexpressed. she most likely just got nervous realizing that her decision would change pretty much the course of her life. i hope things work out.

  • Ann

    as if in my tearstained red face i stumbled across this page, ive been with my soon to be x husband for the past 25 years and at christmas he announced he didnt love me or didnt think he loved me any more its over, since then i have just been a pathetic mess, he says he doesnt know what he wants just needs space and a “friend to talk to” ,this friend of course is female younger and single, so sometime he comes home fromwork sometimes he doesnt but still he doest know, we still share the same bed so every time he doesnt come home its like i have been left all over again, but i am sooo desperate i dont want him to never come back……..how on earth do i get the strength to accept he is just using me and make him leave and be able to stop this sniveling and sobbing and begging – if someone has told me i would behave like this a couple of months ago i would of fallen over in disbalief………… unfortuantly my initial crutch i used to cope – Alcohol – is just proving whey tooo destructive……please HELP

  • http://yahoo.com cezcez

    hi..im cez.20 years old.its been a month when we broke up. actually, this is not the first that we broke up. i thinks its been 8 times we did the break up. and i never learn on that experiences. i never get tired of the same old thing.but last month, i fianally decide to break up with him.it is because, im tired of it. at first, he will show me that he cares for me, he makes me special but when days passed by..i can no longer feel his presence. actually, it is the same old thing…i admit, its all my fault that i allow myself keeping this thing..but now, im making myself sure that i will not go back with him..actually, i really hate him..but still loving him.
    im in pain. it really hurts..sometimes, i can no longer bear the pain…i just take a deep breath to ease the pain..and its work.
    i hope u can give some advice..
    i want to get over with this dumb thing…
    tnx and god bless!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    Ann, trust me you will get over him, but it will take time. I was married for 23 years and it took about a year to move on.. Friends and family really helped me get through a tough time. Then I looked around and noticed how many of my friends were going through the same thing or had been through the same thing.. I realized I was not alone and they were all surviving the pain, hurt and lonliness.. I hope I helped…….

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    Julie, let me just start by saying 2 hours away is nothing!!! I wish I was only two hours away from the gal I miss… You need to tell him how much you love him and sit down and communicate with him.. Communication is everything in a relationship, trust me I’ve learned the hard way.. What do you have to lose??? Do it and never regret it…. Good Luck!

  • fyte4luv

    I recently broke up in a sorta long relationship. It was long distance and basically it was my fault. I never had a long distant relationship and I think I did everything wrong. It lasted for about 6 months and though it was long distant we always talked on vent and the phone. We had times where we just couldn’t stop talking or we’d talk and fall asleep on the phone. I truly miss her so much. But I became very moody when I couldn’t talk with her for days at a time. One night she called me very late at night and I vaguely remembered what we talked about, but I just remember that she said something like it’s good that we aren’t completely “around” each other. (I was still sorta half sleeping.) I guess I felt somewhat insecure and for the next couple days I felt depressed. During the holidays, I couldn’t get in touch with her. My frustration got the better of me. I emailed her how I felt and with that one email I lost her. If I could do anything over I would have more patience. I made and website just to try to win her back. I wish I was more experienced in long distant relations. It sucks because she was everything I wanted as a best friend and more.

    Sincerely,

    Phil

  • fyte4luv

    Julie – it I honestly would have to say that if this person is as important as you have described, meaning that it hurts when he’s talking about other “women”, then you need to go with your heart. Don’t sell yourself short, but tell him how you feel. Just letting him know that you felt hurt when he told you that he was seeing someone shows him how you feel. Tell him that there comes a time in your lives when sometimes you need to tune out the rest of world, stop analyzing and just follow your feelings.

    Good Luck.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    Phil, I know how you feel… I would have given up everything to be with the gal I miss…….

  • Anne

    This is pasted from another website!
    It has helped me massively! hope it will heal you :) believe and you will!

    PRAISE THE LORD!

    During this month we will be meditating about the most effecting prayer which is praising God in each and every moment and in every single event that takes place in our life, such as in times of depression, joy, happiness and sorrow. Nevertheless, all things happen in the knowledge of God. However those who live realising this, are able to live free from worldly matters and frustration.

    (Psalm 145:1-2)
    “I will exalt you, my God, the King; I will praise your name forever and ever. Every day will I praise you and extolt your name forever and ever.”
    (Psalm 136:1-3)
    “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords. His love endures forever.”

    God’s eternal love is like an ever flowing stream that never dries out. We have to drink this life giving water to quench our ever lasting thirst. Therefore we have to unite ourselves with him to live through his endureless love.

    (Psalm 107:1,9)
    “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever. For he satisfies the thirsty, and fills the hungry with good things.”

    The more we draw closer to him, he will be with us at all times and never forsake us. It is a great power in experiencing his boundless love and mercy.

    (Psalm 147:1)
    “Praise the Lord.
    How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant it is and fitting to praise him!
    The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers
    the exiles of Israel.
    He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”

    (Psalm 34: 17-18)
    “The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
    The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.”
    We must always remember that there is a God who is with us during all our troubles and hardships. So, why do we worship and follow other gods that does not exist. If we need to live a life apart from all frustration, worldly tension and matters we must give continuous praise to God.
    Depend on him always.

    PRAISE THE LORD, There is no greater love than his Love, for he is the creator of LOVE itself! Believe and seek him, you will find him like I have!
    good luck!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    Thanks Anne… The girl I miss always had on the end of her text messages “Trust UR Faith”.. Smart girl….

  • Hayley

    hey sara, i feel a part of this so i thought id share my story.
    im only 15, im actually at school right now.
    almost 2 years ago i met an unstable boy, had the most perfect highschool rlationship and everything, but his boy was completly unable to function like a normal human beigna dn i feel so stupid for not seeing that, hes crazy a wreck, hed push me, and hit me and force me into doing sexual things with him that i didnt want to do. the whole year and a half we were together i didnt see anything wrong, i thought it was all normal. but i now i see how wrong it was and for some odd reason i still miss him, hes called me so many names, has mentally damaged me for life, and physically left me scars and still when i walk down the halls and have to see his dirty looks while he holds HER hand i feel like im going to fall to the floor and just puke everywhere. iv had other boyfriends but only week long relationships and i just want to be over this and moved on. i hate it, and i dont know what to do. i really hate that often times when im feeling upset or depressed or hurt i take my pain out on binge and purge eating. it sucks but i cant stop.

    help me. advice?

    -hayley.

  • Chels

    Hayley- your story really hurts me. I am only 19 and about 5 years ago, i too was in a similar unstable relationship. I wish I could tell you “HE ISN’T WORTH IT!!!” and you would understand that, but truth be told, at this time of your life, most likely it seeems like he is the most important person there is, and no matter how many times you may hear it, to you he is. I know when i was in my destructive relationship, my boyfriend was a drug abuser and also, what seemed like a mental patient! He was in and out of jail even! you just don’t see it at the time, but pretty soon you will realize, you are just so above that whole lifestyle!! My mother recognized my pain at that time, and sought me counseling. Maybe that would help you too? It’s good that you realize there is a problem, and now it is just up to you to strengthen up, walk away, and never look back!! But trust me when i tell you this, from my own experience, don’t let a boy bring YOU down, many boys will come in and out of your life, you are young, trust me, and this guy OBVIOUSLY is just not worth you potentially hurting the rest of your life. 15 is a hard age….you will get through it! good luck

  • he’s gone

    Sara,
    Stumbled across you and the other bleeding hearts this morning and I have to say I’m really
    glad I did. I have read every single word and all
    of it hits home for me in one way or another. I know that I’m not going to die because he’s gone, I just feel like I am right now. Two years ago I met him at work and we were friends first,
    and then we started seeing each other and it was the most mind-blowing relationship I was ever in for every reason and all the right reasons. I finally met the one that was everything I had been looking for in a guy. After a month, he broke up with me because his ex-girlfriend found out she was 3 months pregnant with his child. I can’t express to you the devastation, I cried for months, and worse, because we worked together, I had to see the one thing I couldn’t have EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. He, being the good man that he is, decided to do the “right thing” and he stayed with her until the baby was almost a year old. They finally figured out that it wasn’t going to work and she moved out and he came back to me. It was the happiest time of my life. To keep it short, he broke up with me 8 more times after that for various reasons, it was always “him, not me”. We were on again off again for a long time. I kept taking him back because we could just never stay away from each other. The physical part of
    our relationship was just the most unbelievable thing that either one of us had ever experienced and the friendship was the best. The love was
    absolutely there and I thought we would make it.
    He has a lot of personal issues that I have been
    really patient with and I gave him my all and did my best to show him that I would always be there for him and be patient enough to love him
    through everything and help him grow…and I thought that if I was just consistent with that,
    that he would reciprocate eventually. The truth is, two nights ago he told me that he can’t make himself feel something that just isn’t there, he said I’m not the right one for him, even though we are best friends and the sex is just phenomenal, that he DOESN’T LOVE ME. And just like that, it’s over FOR GOOD this time. And I am left sitting here feeling like I am going to spontaneously combust from all this pain. How can someone be the closest to being perfect for you, and you not be ANYTHING to them?? It just hurts so bad. I am even more devastated now than the first time he broke up with me for
    the baby. I just don’t know if I will ever heal, I don’t know if I can ever get over this. I put my heart and soul into his hands, and after everything we were to each other, he just finds it easier to get rid of me than to deal with feeling guilty over not being able to love me back
    the way I love him. When I put myself in his shoes, I mean, I get it. But I just can’t wrap my
    mind around the fact that he is gone for good this time, no more of the “come here, go away” game. I always kinda counted on the fact that
    when we broke up that he would always be back, because we just couldn’t live without each other’s friendship and the sex. But this time, he
    said he just wanted it to be over for good, and he said he didn’t want to talk to me and he didn’t want me calling him or emailing him, just to leave him alone so he could move on. I still feel
    like we belong to each other, we were each other’s touchstone, safe-haven, HOME, you know? It will kill me if I see him in public somewhere in 6 months with a new person in his life. HOW DO I MOVE PAST THIS?? HELP!!!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Sara,
    Stumbled across you and the other bleeding hearts this morning and I have to say I’m really
    glad I did. I have read every single word and all
    of it hits home for me in one way or another. I know that I’m not going to die because he’s gone, I just feel like I am right now. Two years ago I met him at work and we were friends first,
    and then we started seeing each other and it was the most mind-blowing relationship I was ever in for every reason and all the right reasons. I finally met the one that was everything I had been looking for in a guy. After a month, he broke up with me because his ex-girlfriend found out she was 3 months pregnant with his child. I can’t express to you the devastation, I cried for months, and worse, because we worked together, I had to see the one thing I couldn’t have EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. He, being the good man that he is, decided to do the “right thing” and he stayed with her until the baby was almost a year old. They finally figured out that it wasn’t going to work and she moved out and he came back to me. It was the happiest time of my life. To keep it short, he broke up with me 8 more times after that for various reasons, it was always “him, not me”. We were on again off again for a long time. I kept taking him back because we could just never stay away from each other. The physical part of
    our relationship was just the most unbelievable thing that either one of us had ever experienced and the friendship was the best. The love was
    absolutely there and I thought we would make it.
    He has a lot of personal issues that I have been
    really patient with and I gave him my all and did my best to show him that I would always be there for him and be patient enough to love him
    through everything and help him grow…and I thought that if I was just consistent with that,
    that he would reciprocate eventually. The truth is, two nights ago he told me that he can’t make himself feel something that just isn’t there, he said I’m not the right one for him, even though we are best friends and the sex is just phenomenal, that he DOESN’T LOVE ME. And just like that, it’s over FOR GOOD this time. And I am left sitting here feeling like I am going to spontaneously combust from all this pain. How can someone be the closest to being perfect for you, and you not be ANYTHING to them?? It just hurts so bad. I am even more devastated now than the first time he broke up with me for
    the baby. I just don’t know if I will ever heal, I don’t know if I can ever get over this. I put my heart and soul into his hands, and after everything we were to each other, he just finds it easier to get rid of me than to deal with feeling guilty over not being able to love me back
    the way I love him. When I put myself in his shoes, I mean, I get it. But I just can’t wrap my
    mind around the fact that he is gone for good this time, no more of the “come here, go away” game. I always kinda counted on the fact that
    when we broke up that he would always be back, because we just couldn’t live without each other’s friendship and the sex. But this time, he
    said he just wanted it to be over for good, and he said he didn’t want to talk to me and he didn’t want me calling him or emailing him, just to leave him alone so he could move on. I still feel
    like we belong to each other, we were each other’s touchstone, safe-haven, HOME, you know? It will kill me if I see him in public somewhere in 6 months with a new person in his life. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about this because they are so tired of the on-again off-again nature of the relationship, they just ignore me now. The worse part, is that HE is my best friend, and I can’t talk to him anymore, he is the only person that really knows the REAL me, and he’s just non-existent now. HOW DO I MOVE PAST THIS?? HELP!!!

  • Ralph McGowen 4

    ok I fill in love whith some one but somw one fell in love whith me so the one that likes me I whint out whith. but for some resin I fill in love whith the one I like frest mour and mour I fill in love whith her I told my gf and she sade to me that she loves me but mack your ourn disinshin so here I am thinking and I do not know what to do………………………….

  • Anne

    hey Cezcez
    hi gurl! ive been thru pretty much the same thing. didnt break up 8 times but definitely more than 3 or four. ive lost count!
    the harm about this type of a relationship is that u tend to get used to breakin and makin up! it becomes addictive!
    dont try to hate him… it never works! try to analyse the whole relationship, coz its no use tryin to work things out! after all havent u being trying for the past few months? 8 times and me more than 4 times!
    So without hurting the one who owns us – God! Lets make a brave move, and try and keep away from them!
    good luck!
    please try and read the one important part.. of my bible quotes
    Psalms 147 “He heals the broken hearted and binds the woundes”
    \believe and pray! I am feeling alot better… and remember we belong to God! He has a plan, and knows whats best for them! so let him take you through! I guess its better to give up on him, like Im making my mind too! coz why

  • Anne

    HE’s gone!
    ohhh Im reallly sorry for u gal! I just know the pain of friends not wanting to hear anymore coz they are sick of the on and off nature! and oh dear… just to let u know,.. u r not alone. I myself am tryin to cope with something like urs! but less complicated I guess! i hope u find some solution!
    take care

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ Christine

    Irishman

    As perplexed as you are about this woman I am certain that you have been asking yourself what you can possibly do to regain her affections again…the problem is…you shouldn’t have to do anything because it appears to me that you have laid everything out on the table for her. The ball is in her court so to speak. Man if she loves you and wants to be with you, she will NOT blow you off by not e-mailing, calling or texting. Think about it. What would you tell one of your guy friends if you they told you what you wrote?
    I totally sympathize with you because I would be crushed as well under those circumstances. The thing is, folks like us put our hearts out there and once we are in we are 100% in and it is difficult for us to understand how the other person can bail without a second thought.
    It sounds as if this woman had an earth quaking reality check and realized that “WOW…I don’t think I can move from here, and this guy has kids and I have a job..etc,etc etc..” this is not to say that you are not worth working through these issues but she may have panicked and decided that change is hard. In the end, it is all about her and NOT about you or anything you did or didn’t do. She obviously has issues she needs to work through and most importantly YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
    Remember you are a great role model for your kids and they love you and need you. In the long run, if any woman is to be in your life that person needs to know that your family comes first.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ Christine

    Okay, now for my sob story. I actually deserve no pity or sympathy but here goes. I have been married for almost 12 years to a man that was verbally and emotionally abusive. I thought that I deserved it and tried to change myself and be a better person to no avail. This is not to say that everyday was horrible because it wasn’t, but when it was bad it was really bad. This past year I reconnected with an old friend via long distance and I enjoyed the attention, concern and kindness this man showed me everyday. He called, e-mailed and even visited me twice. Once I realized where my feelings were going I told my husband. My ‘friend’ supported me and told me he was patient and that he was in love with me. Well lets say that lasted for a month and a half. He suddenly decided that he needed to work on himself, blah, blah, blah and broke my heart. Little did he know that I found out that he was seeing someone else. I never told him that I know. He just quit writing as much and doesn’t call, etc… Kinda funny that old saying “what goes around comes around”…I never thought I would have feelings for anyone other than the person I married, but I did and if I am honest I do still. But what I have learned is that I love God and myself more than either of them and I am at peace with that while I mend my own broken heart through my own decision to fall in love with him in the first place. I guess tradition, laws, commandments..whatever you desire to call them are really there to prevent us from hurting ourselves rather than being a list of forbidden tasks.
    For all you folks that don’t know what to do with your broken hearts…I say…patience with yourself and pray. May peace be with all of you.

  • eee

    I love this site, not because everyone is sad but I feel comforted by the advice. I was in a five year relationship with a man who I did not love but thought was my life partner. I had three affairs during the five years of us living together. I didn’t mean to cheat for fun but I actually fell in love with the other person that I was involved with. My ex didn’t want to let me go, he fought and kept me with him and we were very close to just part ways. Just last year, Halloween, I met the third guy. It wasn’t just love, I thought I found my soul mate. I worked up the courage and broke up with my ex. During the whole time I thought this new found love liked me for me and wanted to fall in love with me and be with me. We were very alike, we reflected each other a lot and the connection was beyond imaginable. There was a bit of drama and complications during the process and I jumped back and forth between both men. When my ex was finally set to move and get on with life, the new love interest changed his words It went from this is it to I just like spending time with you but am not sure what I want. So karma took its spin, I lost my closest friend and the one who actually got my heart. I am heartbroken because I left both. For my ex, what I did to him I did to myself. The guilt and separation hunted me for days. Even though there was no romantic love from me but I was very close to him, we shared every single day together. The new but eliminated love interest left a bitter taste in my mind. I thought for once, I was gonna do something right for myself. I thought for once I could chose and be with a person I love. The worst part was I really believed in me and him, in us, believed I was in love. The scent of love blinded my vision and I misread his word, his kisses and hugs. Double the heart break, more like I broke my own heart and other’s. Like I said, I am still paying for what I did. There is not a single day that goes by where I feel let down by fate, by myself, by love.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    Christine,
    Thanks for taking time to read my info.. Sorry to hear you are still going thru a tough time. Your words touched my heart. I have texted the gal I miss and she has texted me back. I promised her I just wanted to be friends with her even though she still holds my heart in her hands without letting her know.. I pray everyday and try to keep a strong faith to put the Lord first.. I know someday I will meet my soul mate or partner in life and it will be great!! She will not only complete me, but it will be a journey together to complete each other and I look forward to it…..
    Christine you sound like a wonderful woman that really cares and has her s_ _ t straight about putting the Lord first and loving yourself. I wish you peace and happiness and hope to hear from you again to help others that need your words of encouragement…

  • http://myspace.com/nickzaghi Nick

    Hi all, I am a 31 year old romantic guy who got involved with something and did not know what I was getting into.

    Spilt up yesterday (of all days) I feel like shit but my GF is not willing to leave her old life, she found it easier to have an abortion than to sell her house etc… after 9 months of being with me.

    I feel like shit, I love her so much, and for the first time in 9 months she told me that she does too.

    I have read your blog, laughed and nearly cried (I am at work), I feel betrayed, stripped of my outer shell and exposed to all incoming attacks.
    Love destroys all prottective barriers that we had or thought we had.
    and before it is too late we realise that we are in too deep and that we are going to get hurt.
    I strived to make her realise that she was hurting me by not resolving her old life but she is “too scared” to approach her ex about the sale of the house.

    I realise that I am posting complete rubbish to loads of people that I dont know but I dont care, I have little pride at the moment and need to write.

    If anyone has any helpful suggestions or advice (other than conceling) then please dont hesitate.

    I am tired and broken.

  • shelly

    I am happy I found this site…

    Here goes my story…I would love for any guys to chime in with their opinions…

    I was with a guy for 4 1/2 years. We had several rough spots in our relationship and didn’t always see eyet to eye on all things but we did have fun when we were together. He always wanted to go hang out and drink with his friends and stay out all night and I did get mad at him for doing that because whenever i wanted to go out he would not go for that…for 2 years of our relationship he didn’t work and so I was responsible for paying everything as well as buying his beer and cigarettes….anyway long story short he moved out in August and we didn’t really speak much and I had moved forward with my life and he moved on with his and started a new job…finally… then in January we started talking again and decided to try to make it work again. He lived at his Aunts house where he had been living and I was at my house…well one night he decided not to answer my calls so I drove by his house on my way to work and there was a girls car there…I can say my emotions took over and I went to his door and knocked till he answered…he told me he was hanging out with a group of people from his job and got drunk and because the tag was expired on his car, a girl from his job let him take her car..but he refused to let me in the house…so i didn’t believe him…well i went to work and was emotionally devistated thinking he was cheating…later that night he decided to call me and tell me that he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I had gained some weight(i only gained 20 lbs) and he is over weight himself…well that hurt me really bad and i did not hear from him all weekend..well we talked everday this week for a few minutes at a time and it wasn’t about anything important..he wanted to see how my kids were doing and blah blah blah..well he called me last night and i asked him if we could try to work it out somehow and he said he didn’t think so because he was not attracted to me anymore and i wanted to know what i could change to make him more attracted to me and he the decided to tell me that he had girls at his job that liked him and they were attractive and fit and he was having a hard time not pursuing them but out of respect for me he hasn’t yet….i told him lets go away and have a weekend just him and i and he said he would but i probably wouldn’t like it because he would be looking at all the girls in bikinis walking….i don’t understand how he can tell me he loved me just last week and then now tell me how he wants other girls….i feel so helpless..lost and confused. how could he be so shallow…i feel like i don’t even known him anymore…..i can’t stop crying, can’t eat and can’t stop thinking that he is jumping into bed with someone else…how could he just look at the physical aspect and not the love we have for each other….I am confused and heartbroken…

  • beverly

    I don’t have advice,
    because I am in such a pitiful state.
    I Have been with married to my husband for 15 1/2 year. May 2nd will be 16 if the Divorce is not final. We were together 3 years prior to that so the total is 19 years. The marriage has been up and down since the beginning. Just as I was beginning to grow and make myself happy where he fell short, I found out he was cheating. I didn’t want a divorce just a separation for a while to get ourselves together. It wouldn’t hear of that intervention. I stayed in the house for 3 months before I moved out with my 2 kids; mainly due to the fact that he started meeting women on the internet and having secret rendevous. Since I left the home, things continue, he never said he was sorry, he never showed any remorse, never tried to stop me from leaving. These actions shows that he is done with me. But I just can’t believe that to be factual after 19 years together. I was getting along, thinking I am moving on. He has stalled the divorce numerous times. And now I am in the dumps again like it just happened yesterday. I sent him flowers to his job on Valentines day just because, trying to forgive and move on. I also wished him a happy Valentines Day. he was incognito all day, and when he finally called. He said he was hanging out. Hanging out??Means a girl is involved. Then he asked did our daughter receive a bear and candy he sent to her school. This man has never sent me anything to my job in the 19 years. I asked him why that was, he said he didn’t know. I am sick, so sick, so hurt. How do I move on once and for all??

  • fyte4luv

    I’d hate to say this but I was in a relationship long time ago where I was like your husband. The thing is that our relationship was different. We were together primarily for our daughter. I actually told her that I wanted to try to find happiness. It did hurt her because I think in the back of her mind that things would get better, even though we both knew that our relationship was pretty much over. I didn’t say sorry because I really didn’t think it would help. I actually wanted her to be mad at me because I did feel somewhat guilty. The other thing was that I tried not to show or talk about my relations with her because I didn’t want her to be hurt anymore. Maybe in the back of your husband’s mind is that he is stalling the divorce because he wants to see if it’s actually greener on the other side. Meaning he’s playing you so in case his other “relations” doesn’t work out, he has something to fall back to. Maybe I ask how old your husband is? A lot of times if the guy is around his 30′s, it tends to be somewhat of a midlife crises where he doesn’t want to get old gracefully. Wants to feel young again and meeting new people makes him feel that. I hope this gives you some understanding as to why. I know it won’t help you to give you and answer as to your next step. You truly have to detach yourself from him. Even if it hurts you a lot. The interest he shows you at this point isn’t because of respect but rather because he doesn’t want to fee alone.

    Take care and I hope things get better.

  • sickinlovelost

    i was with my ex for eight years … ups and downs from the start … finally things started looking on the up and up … got a house moved into a beautiful neighborhood he opened a buisness … in the night life of course … lol… wow things fell apart immediatley … we were young passionate about everything including our crazy fights … he cheated i got tierd did the same .. i should have lef t…coming from a broken home with a horrible childhood i stayed .. i wanted it to be perfect i tried … i did everything in my power .. i even compromised my vakues morales … went to the bar one night … there she was call it insinct but i knew when i saw her … i told him she had to leave … and then i knew ..it was over … after 2 years of drama i left … and know there together .. we own a store together and i have to see him on a regular … it kills me … i can’t hide it .. its ugly harsh sad brutal … this bitch worked across the street from my buisness … im lost in a world of denial pain abandonment sadness anger rage hate sadness sadness … lol did i say sadness ? i hide it with my anger because i feel so week … i swear i feel like a part of me died inside …. i cannot seperate my feelings and to make things worse he still lies about being with this homewreckor … i feel like a damn physco … i call him all the time on my bad days reflecting on the lies … things adding up … uno … i cant stay busy enough and im so sick of this obsessive sick feeling of loss i pray it goes away … seeing him is torture knowing he’s layed up with her … the funny shit is that if i played the role it would probably be all good but being that i could never be number two and im not plastic i cant do it… funny to me how i entertain the thought … sick actually … i was strong when i left and know im as weak as a bird with a broken wing .. im unable to shine and my soul feels dule … he wears such a beautiful mask of scincerity … ive almost had enough … what do i do ? someone please help me im lost

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    SICKINLOVELOST,
    First of all keep praying for strength and a strong faith.. Trust ur Faith!!! This will not last forever and you know it. Time heals all if we work on it.. As for all of us on this site with our sad stories, we are not alone… You need to start listening to a christian radio station which will really help to lift your spirits up!!! The music is awsome and the lyrics really make you think.. I get sick of hearing all the breakup songs that are played constantly.. There is someone out there for you that will love you like you have never been LOVED before!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!! WE HAVE TO BE PATIENT!!!! Take Care……..

  • http://friendster.com mm

    i’m broken wen he came into my life…i tot he will help me to move on…but he left me alone w/ a teary eye..i love him more than the love that i feel 4 my 1st bf..ryt now i feel so empty & lonely. lyk an helpless butterfly,that no were to run to when the storm comes…i’m wet under d rain but still no one der to hel me…i want to hate him but my hearts still love him. i have all of reasons to 4get him but its so hard & it hurts so much…here i am again,crying lyk an abondoned body of soul..trying to be strong & still moving on.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    Shelly,
    It sounds to me that you have given him every possible opportunity to get back together.. Looking from the outside I would say you need to move on and find someone that loves you for who you are.. Some day he will realize what he had and by that time you will have found a new Love and moved on.. Trust UR Faith and things will work out..

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ irishman

    MM,
    Life is a learning lesson. We have all Loved someone in our lives and got our hearts broken.. You need to be strong and Trust UR Faith!! Crying helps so if you cry the next few days or weeks thats ok because eventually you will stop and move on with your life.. Talk to your family and friends about what’s going on.. Don’t keep it bottled up inside.. I still talk to my friends about the gal I miss and the words of encouragement from my friends keeps me going.. Take Care.. Continue to write to us and let us know how things are going.. It will help you……

  • Mira

    Happy Sunday to all of you…and Sara you Fucking Rock too. I found this site by typing in the Google search engine “How to get over a broken heart.” WOW, I am so glad to have found this place. Your post was comforting to know that all that happens is called LIFE. I placed this sight in my favorites so I could continue to read posts from everyone.
    Just for the record…I was alone on Valentine’s Day too. Let’s keep our chins up, cry when we need to then pick ouselves right back up and be proud that we have the ability to love. I never loved before, really LOVED until I met “him.” IF we didn’t hurt so bad then I think we didn’t risk it all.

  • Mira

    Shelly — I just wanted to say that Irishman is right…someday he will realize what he had and it will be too late. You see, in 1999 I broke up with a man who loved me so much. We were together for 4 years. I loved him, but wasn’t IN LOVE with him. He was a good guy, a really good guy…heaven sent. I cheated on him once while we were on a semi-breakup..well then we got back together and stayed another 2 years (4 yrs total).
    Anyway, what I am trying to say is I eventually left him, and he chased me for 2 years…I finally moved away but not becasue of him.
    I tried to get back together with him after I moved away because I realized what I had…a good man, a man who loved me unconditionally. Needless to say he didn’t want me back. He did forgive me, he never said he was dating again, but I knew he was done with me.
    Till this day I love him, but realize I was never IN LOVE with him the way he deserved. So, this guy you’re talking about will realize what he had and it might be too late.

    As you can see I have been the heartbreaker and not I am the one who is broken hearted…rightfully so.

  • shelly

    Thank you all for your outlook and your words of encouragement. I am feeling a little better but it comes in goes. When I am alone or when I see something that reminds me of him is when I miss him the most. I am trying to keep myself busy. I am trying to ignore his calls because for someone who doesn’t want me anymore, he still calls especially late at night….I am thinking to check up on me. I guess he doesn’t want me and doesn’t want me to move on either….I have faith and trust in GOD that he will help me through this tough time!!

  • fyt4luv

    I too was alone for Valentines. What I think was the hardest is that plans were made about Valentines. Nevertheless, whatever the situation maybe, the oddest feeling is what do you do next? I mean, you do so many things with someone or you rely on them to be there… For me at first was just trying to find peace on my own. Spending time alone trying to think in my head that it isn’t as bad as it may seem. Finally being around friends. Even though it doesn’t resolve everything, it helps to pass time with other things. The routine maybe different and even awkward at first, but keeping yourself busy takes your mind off of the hurt. (Doesn’t fix it but your attention is spread out.)

    I hope everyone recovers from their own situation.

    Sincerely,

    Phil

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ Christine

    eee,

    My heart goes out to you. If you learn anything from this situation I hope it is that you DO deserve happiness and not just settle for whatever or whoever comes along. Many of us have so much love to give and when that ‘special someone’ says the right things we are all over it simply feeling and not thinking. I heard a saying the other day that rand so true in my head..”if they’ll do it with you they’ll do it to you”. The question I have been pondering within my own heart and perhaps you have been too is was this guy REALLY my friend to begin with and did I choose to ignore things about him( warning signs)because of how he made me feel? Tough question. I wish you peace.

  • Mike

    Hello,

    Well to start, my girlfriend and I have been apart now going on 2 weeks. The main reason we had broken up was financial. During the dating process, she had asked me to move in with her and allow us to learn how each other works in our relationship. The relationship lasted over 1 yr, and ended 2 moths later. She had decided to goto Europe with her family and her daughter for vacation, and I could not go because of my current job. Upon her return, she explained to me that she needed more money for the upkeep of the house wanted me to turn over my paychecks to her to assist in the upkeep. When I had asked her about how should i pay my own bills, car payment, insurance, etc., her advice was to get a 2nd job. Am I wrong to have ended it with her because I felt she was “using” me financially? I will say this much however, reading everything that ya’ll have posted here has helped me to some degree. Please give me your opinions on this relationship I have had, and any recommendations you may have.

    Thanks!!!

    Mike

  • eee

    thanks Christine: We can’t fight fate, we can’t win fate. We can only watch it go pass us and do the best we can. I hope we all find our happiness. I hope we survive the twist in fate and find peace.

  • beverly

    I am new to the website, I only got one response for my email, which was really great.
    Thanks Fyete4luv for your response on 2-15. It helped alot.
    I was going over old email and I wanted to respond to Irishman when his long distant girl stopped calling back. You said you were willing to move to be with her and have children with her. What then would happen to your first children when you leave? You didn’t mention that part in your email. I can understand that your love for this woman is deep, but where does the love for your children fit in. I would they feel if you had more children whom you live with and take care of everyday and not them?? I don’t want to offend, but this is my greatest fear, that my soon to be ex will have more children and totally ignore the children that he has now. My belief is not so far fetched given the fact that he didn’t do much for them or with them while living with them in our house. He claims times have changed and he is going to step up to the plate. That still remains to be seen. He has moved to NY (supposedly temporarily) and when he sees them every 1 to 2 months he just takes them to fun outings and buy them things. Although they are extremely ecited and happy when receiving gifts, but Material things are not what kids value from their parents in the long run.

  • beverly

    Mike,
    You were right to end that relationship.
    It is clear she is using you for money.
    How was she able to pay for the trip to Europe?
    and only to come back demanding more money.
    I believe if you had given in to that she would milk you dry and then more than likely get a man with even more money to take care of her needs.
    What needs of yours was she taking care of?

  • beverly

    Nick,
    when you get sick and tired of being tired
    you’ll let that relationship go.

    How much time have you given your love a chance to let go of the old?
    What is she afraid of exactly.
    To get over any fear is to attack it head on.

    If the relationship is meant to be it will be.
    Even if for a season.

  • beverly

    eee
    Don’t beat yourself up too bad.
    We all make mistakes. Thats why we are on this web. In some way shape or form, We did something wrong, they did something wrong.
    Forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes.

  • beverly

    Sorry for rambling
    on what I am saying to others I am saying to myself first.
    It hurts like h e double hocky sticks.
    I can vouch for that. and what others say
    may not comfort in the moment but does open your eyes somewhat.

    Signing off for now with a quote from
    The great Maya Angelou

    When a person shows you who they are… believe them.

  • http://myspace.com/nickzaghi nick

    Beverly,

    Everything is up in the air, as it has been for 9 months, she is coming round tonight to discuss the whole thing so tomorrow I will iether be overjoyed or heartbroken (again).

    Love is hard to fathom, do you listen to your heart or your head??????

    nick

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ IRISHMAN

    Beverly,
    Thanks for you input.. I don’t know what I was thinking about leaving my kids, but it’s like I wanted to start over and still be Dad to my kids and be a better Dad for the new kids… I would already know how to handle things which would help out in the new relationship,at least I think so, but I would have never said that to her.. I would share the new life with her… Some days I really don’t know why she even came into my life.. Let me ask you Bev do you think she misses me at all or she has moved on and forgot about me?? It’s hard to understand it all..

  • beverly

    Irishman,
    no doubt you would be a better father to the new kids, because hopefully you have learned from past experiences and want to do better.
    However, don’t risk the heartbreak and longing of the kids you have now to the ???what if’s of the future. Be the best dad you can be now and if more kids are in your future, you will be doubly blessed. Everyone deserves love and happiness and if the situation is right, I think you should go for it. But when you have children I believe they come first and your true love will fit in to that. You can’t fit a square into a round peg. Your true love will accept you in totality. Your children, your lifestyle and were you live. I agree with one of the past comments that She probably realized just how much it was going to change her life by moving to be with you. And that hurts, but it is better to find out now then after she moved and found out later. No doubt she is missing you and thinking about you.

  • beverly

    Nick.
    Most of us who fall in love, are lead by our hearts that is why it hurt so much.

    Give her sometime to decide if she really wants to be with you and then she will make the necessary steps. It sounds like the ball is in her court. wait on her serve. In the meantime live your life. She will follow suit, if not you will have your answer.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ IRISHMAN

    Bev,
    Thank You!!!!!

  • http://myspace.com/nickzaghi nick

    Beverly,

    You are right, she came round we talked, she told me that she never realised how much she loved me.
    She has already spoken to her ex to start the ball rolling with regards to their house.
    I still have my reservations, but like you said, “the ball is in her court”.

    I need to learn to be patient (very hard) to show her that I respect her.
    She told me that she wants to restart slowly and not jump back in both feet forwards so that (when the house is sold or the ex takes over payments) we can start a life together and that she never wants to seperate from me again.

    I was shocked by her words.
    I still don’t believe it even whilst writing…

    Watch this space I suppose.

    thanks for your interest in a strangers problems…

    Nick

  • randazel

    well i just got out of a two year relatioinship with the girl i also though was “the one”. it has been 18 days. and ever sence i have been feeling like crap. i dont eat sleep or hang out with my family and friends. im depressed and blame my self. i cry my self to sleep and am crying when i wake up. at first i really didnt take her serious beause she was so beautiful and i though she had alot of dudes. but we were together i did do some dumb things in the first 7 months. cause she used to verbaly abuse me alot!! tell me im not a real man that im a boy,im a dog and a cheater and all kind of stuff. but ever sence i messed up i have been the best boyfriend in the world. i spend more time with her, she almost lived at my house. i would drive a hour and a half to go pic her up at her house. i did everything. go to walgreens to get her here girlythings, get up in the midel of the night to get her something to drink. id massage her breast befor we went to sleep. she didnt have to work or go to school. just hang out!!! she didnt apreciate anything i did for her. she never looked at any of the good i did. just the bad that i did in the past. she never gave me a real secound chance. well to make a long story short. she was just here at my house telling me she loves me wants to have my kids get married all that good stuff. i was so happy right now. cause my life is going in the right direction. working full time going to the academy of art san fransico. i was like dam things are great. then i take her home. and i dont here from her the hole next day. until that night i get a text. “i need to talk to you” she calls me and say
    “i cant be with you no more. i dont trust you u scare me, i get nervious around you when we go out”!!!! so my hart dropes i start crying and she is being a tottal bitch to me. saying she has a new man who is nice to her and treats her right!! she is being a total bitch total bitch. then she texted me you had your chance you are to late im getting married next month on march 8th!!! that right there put me over the edge. and ever sence i have not been the same person, i try to go out and have fun. i act like a am but i go home only to cry my self to sleep!! i think the most horible things now!! i am really starting to scare my self with the things i am thinking!! so now i dont trust no one. i hate woman. i dont no how someone could be that cold and hartless. treat me like i was nothing to her!! like im a piece of crap!!! it really hurt me alot. i just wanted to be loved and respected. how could someone say they love you then two days later hate me and not want to be with me.

  • sickinlovelost

    one of my worst fears is that he is going to marry the girl he’s with and have kids with her … in the meantime he completley ignores my daughter … i guess he’s to busy giving all his leftover attention to his new girl… loser ass… i wish his dumb ass would suffer some kind of loss … he’s such a narcissist … allways about him … iwant him to hurt … to cry to need to feel desperation … he hurt me so bad and i feel like an obsessed weirdo … 9 years is hella long … all my 20′s on this dumby … i wonder if she loves the acne he has on his ass ? lol… anyways i wish i could meet a nice guy who can keep me distracted .. i need love even if its temporary … i love his selfish ass and the sad thing is every guy i meet isnt good enough … i notice flaws right away because im comparing them to him…. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. i called a therapist today i think imcodependent

  • randazel

    NOT ALL OF US GUYS ARE ASSHOLES. THERE ARE SOME OF US THAT ARE LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING YOU ARE!! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE RESPECTED AND LOVED. I DID AND WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THAT GIRL!!! AND ITS HARD FOR ME CAUSE ALL I DO NOW IS LAY IN BED AND THINK OF HER IN BED WITH SOMEOTHER DUDE. DOING ALL THE LITTLE THINGS I LOVED TO DO WITH HER. MAN I AM TO THE POINT TO WERE I DO NOT LIKE GIRLS ANYMORE!! ALL I WANT IS A GOOD WOMAN TO RESPECT ME AND LOVE ME FOR ME AND NOT TRY TO CHANGE ME!! IS THERE ANY REAL WOMAN OUT THERE??? IF SO PLEASE GET AT ME. SHOW ME THAT THERE ARE SOME REAL WOMAN OUT THERE. THAT ARE REALLY LOOKING FOR LOVE AND NOT JUST A BOY TOY!!! SO IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN NORTHERN CALI. PLEASE LET ME NO!!! I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HANG OUT WITH DO DINNER MOVIES. SO I CAN GET MY MIND OF THIS LITTLE GIRL THAT I LOVE SO MUCH!!!

  • Sam

    I have just recently been dumped by a guy that I was seeing for about six months. When we first met he was very intense about wanting a serious relationship, even though I was cautious about it. He didn’t tell me he had been seriously involved with another girl for two years previously, and had been crushed by the demise of that relationship. After we began becoming intimate he told me that he is still not over her and needed some time to heal, but he still wanted to see me and move forward. Now, after a few more months he had decided he can’t be involved with me after all, as he has just learnt that his ex has re-united with her old boyfriend and he can’t handle it. I feel very stupid for allowing myself to become emotionally involved. He says he wants us to continue to hang out as friends but I am feeling so rejected I don’t know whether to try to get over it and keep a nice friendship or just forget him altogether. He says he thought he was ready for another relationship and he’s really sorry. I am not sure if the offer of friendship is just to let me down easy and isn’t really genuine. HELP!

  • tati

    this does not heal my broken heart

  • beverly

    Sam,
    that is unfortunate.
    It sounds like you became the rebound chick.
    I believe he is telling the truth about wanting to be your friend, however, he shoud of said this before you jumped in the sack.
    I believe you were a temporary distraction to get over his previous hurt.

    He who wants a friend, must first show himself friendly. If he wants to be friends let him make the first move. If you don’t want to be his friend. Move on.

  • beverly

    Randazel.
    It sounds like this girl does not know what she wants. If she is marrying another guy. Let him get the headaches. I suspect from your writing that you messed up somewhere and now she doesn’t trust you. She may love you, but doesn’t trust you, and you can’t have a relationship without trust. Now if she is jumping into a marriage with her heart somewhere else, that relationship is going to have problems.

  • beverly

    Cry and cry some more, get the emotions out.
    You say 9 years, try 19 years. My selfish soon to be ex husband decided to throw our marriage away, because “She makes him feel important”. Well she wasn’t cleaning his dirty house, washing his dirty clothes and taking care of his children. So quit naturally she can give him her undivided attention. And guess what now that we are divorcing, he is not even with her anymore. He has a new girlfriend. Anyway It he wants to go let him go. It hurts like H e double hockey sticks but you will be better off in the long run. She will find out just who he is, just like you did.

    “There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.” Author Unknown

  • beverly

    Tati
    write a comment and give this site a chance.
    We are all in this together.

    However, no amount of talking will comfort you, only Our father in heaven can do that.

    But talking about it, and getting it out
    and feeling the emotions will support the healing process.

  • Sam

    Thanks Beverley. I agree with your comments, some of my other male friends say that no guy wants to be just friends with a girl they’ve slept with, he is probably just wanting to keep me hanging around in case he needs more distraction, so they say to totally avoid him. Half of me wants to be friends but I think it could be destructive to my self esteem. I find it so hard to understsand how a man can be so keen one minute and a total cold fish the next. Thanks so much you give great support.

  • randazel

    i just dont understand how you could be in love someone so much you say you will hurt your self if you are not with me, too i dont love you anymore,thats all!

  • randazel

    i just dont understand how you could be in love someone so much; you say you will hurt your self if you are not with me!! too i dont love you anymore, move on with your life

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ IRISHMAN

    Well I still miss the gal I wrote about… I know it is going to take time.. Let’s all keep in touch and let each other know how it’s going. Like she always said, “Keep UR Faith”.. Say a prayer, the Lord listens……….

  • Renee

    reading everyones posts has made me realize that so many other people are going through what I am also going through. I just found out that my boyfriend of two years got drunk with my best friend since we were five and they hooked up. It was the worst betrayal that someone has ever done to me. It’s worse enough he cheated, but with my best friend makes it tens time harder. Not only did I lose a boyfriend, but I lost a best friend. The worse part about everything is even though I know that it happened, they are both denying it. Instead of him begging for my forgiveness and saying hes sorry, he is being a complete jerk and trying to make me believe that it never happened. They hurt me so bad and I dont know if I am ever going to get over this. How can I forget about him and move on with my life? help!

  • randazel

    its been 22 days sence my girl has broken my hart and i feel the same. i feel lost, lonly, confused, betrayed, foolish, stupid, i cant breath at times, loss of faith, self confidence, worn out, self worth, loss of trust, boxed in, my drive is gone, numbness, i have no appetite, cant sleep, i am not the person i used to be!!! it really bothers me. i have been talking to a bunch off people. and i must say i dont cry as much! i dont no if its cause i dont have any more tears left or im just numb to life right now!!! but im starting to relize i am a good person and i gave it 110% to make things better and to regain her trust and faight in me!!! but i see that some people are just kids (she was only 21) and love to play cat and mouse!! i am not a bad person and i am a real man!!! all her put downs and verbal abuse really got to me; and made me numb to life!!! she bashed me everyday; beat me down!!!! to were i felt like i couldnt get any better then her!!! but i see that i can get better!! i deserve someone to treat me right and talk to me right!! i am a good man and a good person!!! its been 22 days and it really hurt me alot!! but i am better and i am getting stronger!!! i do love her alot!! i do wish things were different and we were together!! but i guess things werent ment to be!!! i will alway love bb with all my hart!!!!

  • TearsOfJupiter

    Rand,

    As people would like comforting words of inspiration, it is hard to explain emotions and each personal struggle in life. Everyone’s “torment” and hurt will be different in that each person is different. Some people it isn’t such a big deal, their feelings hurt and they get over in less than a couple days. Others, it’s like a tree with roots. Those roots where planted deep into the ground and so it now takes much longer to move on or replant themselves. It hurts to say that if youh aven’t gotten over her by now, that it’s gonna be a long battle. But I will say your’re not alone. Days pass and just small things remind you of her. Or a person or person(s) will remind you of what once she was like or had done at one time. I truly wish I could say something that will ease and comfort broken hearts, but maybe the best comfort is the simple irony, that you are not alone.

    Jupiter

  • randazel

    thanks for the kind words. yea i figured it was going to take me a long time. i let that girl in my life!!! i have a big wall that i let no one in. and it hurts me that the one i did let in did me so wrong!!! it do’s hurt alot. i lay in bed at night thinking about the what if’s? and cry my self to sleep!!! i just have to be a strong man and move on!! i got alot going for me and i cant let some little girl bring me down to her level!! i am a good man and one day my video vixen will come to me!! so thanks for them kind words. it always helps to here some good thing from good people!! i see that not all WOMAN are evil. its just people are evil men and woman!! but there are some real people out there who want love like me!!

  • beverly

    One Website I read, gave a profound statement.
    It is over. Why do you keep beating a dead horse. No body want it to be over, but it is, and what good will it do to keep beating the horse. It is already dead.

    I too, as everyone else have a hard time letting go. A 20 year relationship 16 years married is down the tube. Feb 8 was a year that I found out my husband was cheating. He has a new girlfriend now, not even the one he was cheating on me with and it seems to be very serious. I found out she flys to New York to see him, she has met his family and he says, she has his heart. The whole ordeal has been a nightmare, I could deal with it better if we were actually divorced. But no he and she has gone on without him being divorced. Its Adultry and immoral no matter what you believe in .

  • beverly

    Renee,
    This too shall pass, you will get over it.

    Of course being on the receiving line of the hurt. We would prefer for the person to tell the truth and you can better deal with the consequences.

    But if a person will cheat, lieing comes along with it.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ Christine

    Irishman,

    I know you are hurting, but keep praying and hold onto God. Ask for the grace to get through each moment of the day and everyday gets a little easier. I have good days and “woe is me” days like everyone but I know I will be okay and so will you.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ IRISHMAN

    Christine,
    Thanks… Your words are comforting. I am so happy to have someone on my side that understands what I am going thru…How are you doing?? Hopefully ok.. Please Keep in touch!! As for all you others that are going thru the same heartache, Trust UR Faith……………

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ IRISHMAN

    BEV,
    Have you noticed that we can give some great advice to each other, but we continue to hurt.. How are you doing??? Being married for a long time like we have and losing the one that we loved at one time is like a nightmare that does not end… We both know that we will survive.. I would love to open up a chain of places across the country called “Heartbreak Gathering”, for people like us to gather and enjoy each others company to get thru the hurt…Whata ya think?? Oh well, you never know…Maybe I got you to laugh, we all need that!!!! Take Care…

  • Kristofer

    Thank you

  • Shelly

    It has been 3 weeks and I am still hurting like crazy..praying this pain goes away. I was getting a little better and then I saw him because I had to get some stuff back that he had of mine that I needed and he told me that he is sleeping with someone new…after 3 weeks?? how can he just shut off his emotions like that? How can he just forget about me and what we had?? I am soo hurt and can’t stop thinking about him.. I go to sleep thinking of him, dream of him and then wake up thinking of him. I wish the thoughts of him would just go away. It is driving me crazy. I am so tired of feeling like this. I try to keep myself busy, I added working out in the evenings to my schedule but I still think of him then. How much longer am I going to have to feel like this and are the thoughts of him going to haunt me????

  • randazel

    shelly,
    you are just going to have to be strong. it has been 25 days for me. and i steel think about her everyday, everyday. befor i go to sleep when i wake up!! i think about her threw out the hole day!! i loved this girl more then i loved my self!! i did everything for her!!! and she just trew everything we had out the door. like i was nothing to her. she has a dude already a week after we broke up!! and she is getting married already next month!!! i guess some people just dont care about others feeling!!! i guess something things are just a game!!! to this day i steel have no answer to why she has done this to me!! it drives me crazy just trying to figure it out!! but till this day i havnt figured it out!! i just try to be strong and keep my head up. i also started working out again!!! trying to take my art school more serious!! so keep your head up. keep moveing along day by day!! i am not going to lie and say it is going to go away!! because i think i am going to be hurt for a long time!!! but read up on what these people got to say. cause this web sight has helped me out a hole lot!!! shoot im on this web sight everyday now reading the stuff over and over to remind me of we are not the only ones going threw this!!! so keep your head up!!! all of us have someone out there waighting for us!! someone who will treat us good and respect us!!!

    “randazel”

  • inlovelost

    tell me , how hard is it to c the person who broke youre heart on a regular basis … i own a store with this person … its constant torture … i have such a hard time containing my emotions i hate him but i know that stems from being hurt … my feelings are really hurt and to see him it all new again …. is it normal to hate him to really hate him ? our whole relationship is and was built on lies …. does anyone know what a narcissist is ? he’s the textbook edition … a true narcissist … its like a bad dream … and why ? why do i care i let him affect me ? after years of buying things to make up for his bullshit … know here she is gucci prada all that material shit while my baby and i cant even buy groceries …lol.. i guess i shouldnt have trusted him with my money … its a long story … i feel so materialistic but the thiught of him giving her all these things while his daughter doesnt have lunch money makes me sick …. o well im tierd of giving him control … its like im stuck in limbo … i think im going out tonight problem is everywhere i go i c someone he knows … lol it never ends

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ IRISHMAN

    Everyone, go to You Tube videoes and type in Natalie Grant The Real Me…. Great song about what we all need to know!!!! Listen to the Words….. Trust UR Faith!!!! The Lord is with us always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Amber

    I need advice!!!!
    I went on a ski trip with my church last weekend. When i got home sunday my boyfriend had not called me he didnt call me mondayy(and this is coming from a guy who normaly calls at exacly 7pm)so i call him tusday nobody answers. I get on my MSN well when i get on there his heading says “I love my Baby Alesia”. so i talk to him about it and he said that what happend was that somebody hacked my myspace and changed my name to Amber<3 Danny so my boyfriend thought i was cheating on him the when he saw it he said he was so hurt that he could not stand the pain so he got a new girl. now that he has this new girl he has changed me and him are together again but he still will not dump her cuz he said his dad would kill him and im tierd of sharing him!!!
    PLZZZ SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!

  • beverly

    Amber

    Sorry to be blunt.
    But what good can come of sharing your boyfriend. He can’t care about you or your feelings to keep going with this other girl.
    And that explaination of MySpace sounds like a bold face lie. He moved on and to cover it up he came up with this fairytale to throw you off. If you remain with him, just expect more heartache.

  • beverly

    inlovelost,

    Girl you need to get a grip.
    I know that is easier said then done.
    I myself take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.
    Its like a vicious cycle. Again I was in love with a man for 20 years. It has taken a year to work thru the pain he caused and continue to cause.
    While he is wineing and dineing one girlfriend. Sending another girlfriend over 700 western union. He did not pay a penny for his children for 6 months. It took our divorce mediation agreement before he started paying anything. He paid in Dec and Jan. He didn’t pay a penny in February. But flew his girlfriend up to New York and spent Valentines day in a hotel, dinner the works. It hurts to no end. But I have faced the fact that he doesn’t want me, even though I wanted him. It comes a time when we have to let go even without understanding why they do what they do. I can tell you why, they are their father’s (Satan) child. Plain and simple. God’s children are loving, kind, generous, not selfish. A lot of the people we are pining over on this website do not have God in their lives and the bottom line they are selfish heartless people. You can’t understand it and you can’t do anything about it. I have tried and tried to talk to my husband about what he has done and is still doing. (yes he is still my husband, divorce is still in the process) His reply is that “He hasn’t done anything to hurt me” It just astounds me that he can’t see what he has done. But he can see, he just continue to try and justify his actions. I just release it now because You Cant Reason with the Devil. Let it go and him go. If you are a child of God, he will provide for you and your child; and the great life that your ex seems to be having will all fade away. The Bible says you will reap what you sow. You can’t hurt God’s children and get away with it. I find comfort in the fact that I am a child a God, I was a good wife, mother and I will be the one victorious.

  • beverly

    Irishman
    I am with you with the Heartbreak Gathering, Go for it.
    Yes we do have a lot of words for others, and yet we hurt so much ourselves. You can always see other’s problems much easier; because your not emotional. With our own problems our hearts get in the way of sound judgement. Again I quote:
    When a person shows you who they are believe them.
    Grown people rarely change; especially when they don’t see anything wrong with themselves.

  • beverly

    Randazel,
    I too think of my husband daily. I hate it too, because he is not thinking about me. I am trying to focus on the rest of my life. I am replacing him with God. I would rather think of him when I wake, thru the day and when I go to sleep at night. I will get there soon, and everyone on this Website will too.
    Everything happens for a reason.
    And everything happens when it is suppose to happen. If your heartbreak is taking to long, it is because you are not learning, what you are suppose to be learning. You will stay in the pain until you figure it out. Not why he or she did what they did but What am I suppose to learn from this adversity. When you figure that out, your pain will lessen and you can move on. However, if you move on to another person, you still have not learned the lesson and it will come up again in another relationship.

  • randazel

    thanks for your kind words bev. i have learned from this!!! i am getting stronger day by day!! i see now that everything she was acuseing me of, she was describeing her self!! she was cheating on me and doing everything that she said i was doing!!! all the messed up things she said about me. i see now that i am not a bad man!! i got alot of things going for me!! so its her who lost a great thing!!!
    but the thing i dont no what you are talking about is this church thing!!! just cause i dont go to church and am not a child of god. you are saying im am selfish and heartless??? i total disagree with that!! just cause i dont go to church. dont mean i dont belive in god!! and another things about that is. the dude she left me for is into church!! she said he is a good christan man and they go to chuch all the time!! so i dont belive in all this if you go to church you are better them me stuff!!!! my mos boss is a minister and i talk with him about god all the time!!! so i dont get what you are trying to say about the hole church thing?????
    and i got a nother little twist to my story. its been almost a month now. she is going to be getting married in 5 days. but this weekend. i get five missed calls from her. she calls me over and over. i pick it up and she is trying to be nice. im thinking something isnt write here. so out of no were she blows up on me. i cut it of and say all call you back im bizzy. so i go on to my myspace. well she left me a crazy comment saying stop telling people lies about me. tell them how you abused me all the time and cheated on me all the time!! she is also pist off cause i have my ex girl friend on there.( the one i broke up with for here over two years ago) so she is talking shit about her. saying that ugly bitch i new you were talking to her and cheating on me with her!!! so she is texting me now all kind of messed up stuff. hurtful stuff!!!!
    so she is steel aacting like she is my girl!!! that pissed me off that she would make up things like that!!! CAUSE I WILL NEVER EVER HIT A WOMAN!! I THINK PEOPLE WHO DO THAT ARE BITCHES!!! but she is totaly trying to make it look like i am the bad one!!! not her she says i deserved everything she is doing to me!! like how could you put that on someones page so everyone can see it!! that is just fucked up big time!!! but i dont no this girl is starting to scare me. like she did some vodo sshit on me!! she is just starting to trip me out!!
    what do you guys think about her and what she is doing??? i havnt tryed to call her text her. nothing then out of now were she is blowing me up!! and then she tells me to stop texting her, when she gets a hold of me?? so i dont no!!!

  • Amber

    beverly

    Its not that easy though he says he loves me more than her and that he cant dump her becuase if he did his dad would kill him. but the wierd thing is is that ever sence this hole thing started he has changed he startes cursing at me like yesterday i was talking to him and i saw that he had another myspace that i didnt know about so i was just jokin around and i said hey guess what i found your other myspace and he says back why the fuck u lookin at my shit for. and he has never cursed at me before. idk what to do. my friends keep telling me if it was ment to be he would come back.but idk my sister told me to cry a river build a bridge and get over it.GURRRRR
    what do i do so i can stop cutting myself

  • Ralph McGowen 4

    love is killiong me and now mater what there is nothing rong whiith me I think I am dieine of love no one loves me so this ismso not cool

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Beverly,
    What you just said yesterday to Inlovelost is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You may remember my story from awhile back (read upwards) anyways, I am still hurting so badly.
    We have tried again since the last breakup and he has broken up with me AGAIN. This time he told me the “truth” is that the whole time he said he could never see us staying together forever and when I asked why, he finally came out with
    an answer basically telling me that if I only had one child that he could handle being in a relationship with me, but since I have two kids, (one being a teenager) he thinks that he is too immature to handle that. I know you aren’t supposed to hate, but I have just been telling myself over and over again how much I hate him
    for not telling me that information sooner (all this time I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong…why can’t he love me back…etc) and how much I hate him for the fact that the whole
    relationship hinged on my kids…how dare he even
    bother with me if he couldn’t accept the fact that I’m a package deal? Hating is the only thing
    that is keeping me breathing in and out every day
    right now. I don’t really hate HIM, I just hate what he has done to me. I didn’t deserve it. I am real woman with a job and responsibilities and
    two kids that are my LIFE. If there isn’t a man out there that can understand and appreciate that and embrace my CHILDREN as well as me,
    then I guess I will just have to learn how to be
    alone. I want to love again someday, but I don’t
    know how I am EVER going to be able to trust anyone again after this, and I KNOW I have to
    get over this before I move on to try again, but
    right now I just don’t know how. I keep praying to the Father to remove this pain and desire for
    this man that was so obviously NOT for me and to bring the right one into my life. I just hope I
    don’t scare him off because I feel so jaded. Anyway, thanks for what you said, because it
    struck a chord with me, I really need to make sure if I ever decide to be with someone in the
    future, that it should be someone who knows GOD and will not only keep promises to me but
    will do the same for my kids.

  • Shelly

    Dear He’s Gone!!

    This is just an excuse!! Trust me I went through this with my ex boyfriend of 4 years. He knew going in that i had kids and it was perfectly fine then. After 3 years he decided to tell me that it was my kids fault..but during those 2 years that he didn’t work and I supported him, my kids didn’t seem to be a problem. We broke up for a few months and I guess he lost his job because then he came back and my kids didn’t seem to be a problem then when he needed my help..but now a year later he is telling me that he is not attracted to me because I gained 30lbs (even though he gained alot more) and that he is attracted to other girls at his job and that they flirt with him and he knows they are not out of his reach..so you see it seems like that is an excuse for your boyfriend to get out of the relationship. Just let him go and don’t turn back if he comes back!! Don’t make the mistake I did because he will just make up another excuse in the long run and you will break up anyway. I related so much to your story..email me if you want to talk.. I would love to help you through this!! Its hard but GOD will always be there for us and we have to remember that GOD is a jealous GOD and if we don’t put him before the man that was not sent to us in the first place then it will never work!!!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Thank you Shelly. I KNOW you’re right. He always had a “reason” for us not to be together,
    and I spent so much time trying to convince him
    that we were right for each other, but he never believed it, and now I realize that I should never have put in that much effort with someone that didn’t reciprocate that effort. I lied to myself for a long time about how he felt about me, and I’ll never do that again. Last time we broke up, it took about a week before he showed up on my doorstep and like a retard I let him in again. A silly friend of mine told me “vampires can’t enter if you don’t invite them in!” I laughed, but she has a point, doesn’t she? Anyway, I am having a
    hard time being strong. I can’t help but feel like a jilted 8th grader right now because he hasn’t called me, and I find myself wanting to contact him so badly….but the bitch side of me keeps telling me “Don’t do it girlfriend!!” I have to keep
    listening to HER right now!! The part about putting him before GOD is right, I was doing that,
    and that is probably a big reason why GOD removed him from my life. Thanks for the earful,
    I needed it. HUGS to you all!

  • beverly

    Randazel

    If you go back to my email
    you will see that I never mentioned anything about going to church. Although I do go to church. I never said people that do not go to church are heartless and selfish. I was referring to the people who have broken our hearts are heartless and selfish. And I must add that even the people who have hurt us, have feelings too, and they have their side of the story to tell. I said I am a child of God. Now referring to the person your girl is seeing is a Church goer. That’s interesting, because the woman my husband is seeing is a Church Goer too. I just found out that all the people she knows, and knows her, also knows me. Her Aunt is a coworker of mine. My Coordinator/Supervisor goes to womens Bible Class with her. My son’s God mother says she has known her for years and she has always seem to be a nice person. I said nothing about going to Church. Because not all people who go to church are Christians or God’s Children. Because not all people who go to church are following God’s instructions about how to live for him. And they certainly are not living by the numerous versus that speak on Adultry.

  • beverly

    Shelly,
    I am right with you on your last statement.
    God is a Jealous God, and this is one of the things I have learned this year in the mist of my pain. I spent 15 years with my husband. Going through the motions of going to Church weekly. (this is for you Randazel). Being a good person as any other, but not fully committing to God. I didn’t follow all the instructions either and Did not show my husband, who does not go to church, my growth. I didn’t study daily, I didn’t always speak kind words, etc, etc, but I did the best I knew how. But thru the pain, I am now walking with God more closely and asked him to forgive me. I have asked my husband to forgive me for my part, I have even apologized to his girlfriend (the one who has his heart, although he is my husband) Because I don’t want to live with the continued pain. As I wrote earlier up to Randanzel that pain will lessen when you learn the lesson you are suppose to be learning. And when I said you reap what you sow. We too, the broken hearted are reaping, just as our significant others, for things we have done in our past.

    Ok enough of that
    I know many people are not on this site to hear about God. They are probably saying they can go to Church if they want to hear about God. So I’ll try to lay low on that in the future.

  • Shelly

    Dear He’s Gone!!

    Your friend is so right!!! I never heard that saying before but its a good one. Don’t beat yourself up too bad about trying to convince him why your good together, I did the same thing. I guess the saying that love is blind is true. My friends and family didn’t like him and until now I didn’t understand why. They were waiting for me to take the “blinders” off and they are slowly being removed. It hurts and you will want to talk to him, see him and know what he is doing and who he is with, I still have all those emotions but I started working out, reading more, catching up with old friends who I neglected because of him and slowly the thoughts of him are turning into thoughts of other things. I am along way from being over him but I do know that silence is golden and one day he will miss me and will be back and I can close the door on him like he did me. You can email me at shellbrad32@hotmail.com if you want to talk…seems like we have alot in common….

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Thanks Shelly, I’ll be in touch sometimes. I am doing the same things you mentioned right now,
    focusing on friends I neglected and getting back
    to reading and spending time on myself, doing girly things like the pedicure, you know? Just getting back to being the person I was before he came along…only smarter now. I have my moments, there are days when I do just fine, I
    think of him, but I am okay with him being out of
    my life. And then there are days like today, where I wake up in the morning with the urge to
    stay home from work and cry ALL DAY LONG because I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t.
    Thank God I have my kids, they are my touchstone and they keep me focused on doing what’s best for US. Every time I look at them I tell myself that he was an idiot for not wanting
    all of us and not just me…they are such wonderful youngsters! Just keeping myself from
    contacting him is the hardest part, he was my
    best friend as well as my lover, and it’s messed up because you can’t talk about your heartache
    to your best friend when he is the one that caused it in the first place! GIMME STRENGTH LORD!

  • tj rocker

    its all true i am the type to give advice though and i never take advice i dont know why its just the way i am

  • eee

    hey Beverly, Christine and many others…..

    I’ve posted about my broken heart on Feb 14th….looking back it’s been way too long since I felt good. I sank so low for absolutely nothing, for lies and a man that took me no where in life. I agree with one of ya post about stop beating the dead horse. I learned my lessons, karma drained me to my last bit of happiness…….now it’s time to make something out of life. It’s time to say enough is enough, I need to get a grip. Life goes on and it’s affecting my productiveness by the day. I am stepping up to this challenge, not only to mend my own broken heart, to recharge my spirit and rebuild myself through my own assets and knowledge. Thinking back to the abortion I had three weeks ago, I was severely depressed and given no choice because the man that broke into my relationship used me as a rebound. I didn’t pay my duty in the relationship either and I guess it’s what you would call what goes around comes around. I am working my way up from the bottom again. Getting back to school, getting a new job, revisit my passions and the inner insecurity I once had. It’s going to be hard to know that I have to stay strong regardless, there would be no significant other to comfort or guide me. The lingered feeling of heart aches will haunt me through the next couple months. Never mind the pregnancy weight I put on a while ago……it has to go cuz I have marathon races I need to attend. Suck it up, yup time to suck it up. As for the emotional account, I will leave it alone. I stopped praying one day one true love is going to save my world. I will redirect all that energy into recreating myself. Love is only 10% of life, the other 90% is all your own choice and effort.

  • randazel

    sorry about that. thanks for your advise. it do’s help out alot!! :)

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    No one has posted anything in a couple days, hope all of you are well and that you are hanging in there as I am. Someone talk to me, what’s new?

  • Shelly

    Dear He’s gone..

    I am hanging in there..been keeping myself busy with creating a new me…
    I sent my ex an email awhile ago and last night i got a response…said that he would never talk to me again because of the hurtful things i said. I never really said anything hurtful to him..he is the one who said extremely hurtful things to me. He told me I was brainwashing my kids to not like him…which is not true..my kids are 17, 14 & 12 they can form their own opinons…He said he had no respect for me as a mother or a girlfriend anymore….I just laughed…decided I won’t waste my time responding. What makes him think I want to talk to him after the hurtful and demeaning things he said to me. Couldnt get any worse than that.

  • randazel

    well tomarrow is d-day for me. i am hurting today. its barly been a month and four day. tommarow she is sapost to get married. but something in side of me says she isnt. but she is saying that just to hurt me!! but now that i talk to people and relize how bad she treated me. talking to me crazy, showing me no respect at all!! treating me like i am just there to please her and keep her company!!!! i see now that she wasnt there for me when i needed her, nor was she ever pushing me to do good and do my best!! i deserve better then that, i deserve someone to be there for me, love me, and show me respect!! i see now that she just wasnt good for me!! maby she is just to young (21) to see she had a good thing!!! or i dont no if she new what love really is?? i didnt no eather until i was with her!! but i dont no people on here are right i am getting strongger everyday!! i do have my brake downs. but i am deffently better the a month ago!!! so thank you everyone!! just keep moveing forward. we are good people and we got good things comen to us!! so everyone keep your heads up!!! we all have someone out there for us!! someone that will treat us how we want to be treated!!
    randazel

  • eee

    to Randazel

    It’s not because we are weak or anything, we just haven’t really met a reciprocal love yet. In a way it is bad luck on our part to suffer. Everyone’s heart is made of flesh and blood, everyone cry sometimes. One day u’ll look back and feel so much better. When you find that special someone you will do your lil victory dance. Trust me, you will find that one for you!

  • randazel

    to eeeeeeeee
    thanks for them words. i do feel alot better!! now that i am seeing things differently and stoped blameing my self for everything. and relized it wasnt me but her who didnt want things to work!! that it was her that was scared of something good!! so i do hope there is that top model ot there for me!! i really do!!! but right now im more on that “i got to git my self” get back on top of things!! so everyday i just tell my self to keep my head up. that it wasnt me!!! that i tried gave it my all. so i have no regrets anymore!! things are only going to get better!! its a new month and i feel like my mojo is comeing back!! :)

  • beverly

    Hey guys.
    Everyday is a new day.
    And you should all tell yourself when you get up that it is going to be a great day!!!

    I was reading a chapter in Joel Osteen’s book last evening and he said. “Your Future is significantly more important than your past”.

    Yesterday is gone and you can’t change it. But you can make things happen today and tomorrow.

    Close the old door, So a new one can open.

  • eee

    Randazel and those who are getting lot better

    welcome back Randazel’s mojo…….ladies n gents, Randazel’s in the house, lets hear a whao whao..hehehe. I’m working on bringing meh zexy back too. I was a good dancer, now I’m gonna take that hobby further up…..work on my prides and talents. Going for the top model kind huh? Hell yeah, never settle for what’s available, go for the best….find that princess, sassy woman, gorgeous or who ever and treat her like a queen…in return you’ll get the love you deserve. Like Beverly mentioned, close the old door, so the new one can open……there’s plenty fishes in the sea. I once heard from a psychology teacher, there’s so many ppl in the world and there’s a least 50 people that will fall deathly in love with you, at least 200 people will die to be with you, at least 100 you’ll wanna go to the end of life with……..that’s a lot of ppl, holy moly, I can’t wait…….So, yes, welcome back !

  • randazel

    why thank you!! i do see that now!!! and yes i love beautiful woman!!! i love them alot!! but i no i will get another one!!! i got one befor i can get one again!! and this time she will have a brain and no right from wrong!!!! but thanks eeeeeee if you are ever in the bay area let me no. and bottles are on me!!!!
    and do that dance things girl!!! do it big!! go hard or go home!!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Hello All,
    Hi Shelly! I tried to email you the other day girl but I don’t think it went over, been having some technical difficulties over here. I’m sorry the reaction you got from him was so negative. It figures. Well, I blew it and emailed mine yesterday, then left a message on his voicemail. He hasn’t responded at all. I guess that’s best, I’m just mad at myself for breaking down like that, I made it a whole week this time though! LOL, that’s better than usual for ME…….Try emailing me at texasroseinco@yahoo.com, we’ll see if I can receive from you since I can’t get mine to go out to you. Take heart, Shelly, guys that are belligerent and try to put the blame off all on you are the type of people that are the ones that are guilty of all the stuff coming out of their mouths towards you. I am lucky, my guy never belittled me or acted abusive in any way, his thing is more neglect. But if I didn’t want him to ignore me, then I shouldn’t have tried to reach him in the first place, I knew he was going to do that. Things didn’t end well the last time we spoke. It’s okay, I understand why, every time we break up and try to remain friends we always end up back in the bed together…so I guess this time is really the one you could label “clean break”…well, at least on his end. I NEED TO LET GO! This is so hard.

  • eee

    Randazel, i wish i could have a couple bottles on ya , but i”m from Canada, i guess you gotta Fedex those drinks……thanx !!! hope to hear tat u got a gal in the future

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Hey Shelly, talk to me about how you are reinventing yourself, what kind of stuff are you doing to make a new you? eee and Randazel sound really positive today as well. Glad to hear everyone is doing a little bit better. eee, I like what you had to say about how many people there are for us in this world, that gives me some hope, so thanks! HUGS to everyone here now and all people you have to scroll upwards for. I appreciate every word that is spoken here, thanks to Sara for a place to turn. PRAYING for all of us.

  • tears

    there hasn’t been any in a while, but i’d just like to respectfully ask if people would reduce the God references and using him as an answer to this heartbreak, because not everyone is a believer and not everyone can use this.

    I find it quite upsetting that this is one of the best sites I’ve found when i need advice and it’s slowly getting more and more Bible orientated.

    Each to their own and i’m not disrespecting anyone who chooses to believe but just bear in mind that not everyone looks to God for an answer.

  • sickinlovelost

    Hey all …. i AM reinventing myself also …. ha … i finally me someone … he’s adorable and sweet …. not putting any thing on it as of yet just having fun … i closed the door and look what happenend ! the gym , eating right understanding he will allways be a liar … cheater … helps me feel better … and know i have someone to hang out with … yipeeee … well i hope this feeling isnt short lived … im going to go for it because i need to for nyself and my sanity … i have no expectations and that feels great … just fun … the fact he’s gorgeous doesnt hurt ethier…hope all of you are feeling better … do something for yourselves today …

  • eee

    sickinlovelost

    see this is an clear example that ppl eventually do move on. Don’t matter what the future holds but do enjoy life! Best wish to you!

  • sickinlovelost

    i have to say tho i am a bit nervous of falling back into the web of sadness … i also started an antidepressent celexa … its helping with the anxiety … i just feel like life is so short and theres so much to experience … why be around people who treat you like crap ? i mean we wouldnt chose to be around some stranger that treats us badly ..but sometimes we fall in love with someone we really dont know and then it becomes hard …. because we accept their crap … if someone truly loves you they wouldnt hurt you … shit happens but theres a way to approach things … its not what you do its how u do it …. i cant say it doesnt still bother me that hes with her … but i think ive been giving them way to much of my attention … they dont deserve … the best way to get back is to move on and do u …. whatever that may be just do it make yourself feel good be selfish for a while … the gym really works … and u can guy scope ..hehe … and for some reason tanning makes me feel good to … i started a single womens group for women to go out once a week and have fun …. that also makes a difference because you knpw you arent alone and we can support eachother …. ciao everyone please dont be sad you are worth so much more …

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com Jose Gonzalez

    Anne,

    Thank you for suggesting my book.

    I’ve been reading through these posts and some of them are quite ‘painful’ – it’s amazing the type of behaviour that we will all put up with to maintain or save a relationship. We are creatures of comfort and often we fear loss more than gain, thus we put up with those behaviours.

    Of course, nobody deserves – or should accept – 2nd class behaviour from anybody else. Full stop.
    If you weren’t treated fairly by your ex, then you should be glad that it’s over.

    Again, the period of ‘hurt’ normally happens because we miss the comfort and meaning of having somebody there – not necessarily the same person. If you’re lucky to find a wonderful person straight away, the ‘void’ that you thought you had in you becomes suddenly full.

    There are a lot of shared experiences in these posts, and in them, great pieces of advice.

    If I may add my own, I would say that the very first thing you need to do to get over your ex, is to MAKE A DECISION. This is the single most important thing you can do with regards to ANYTHING in life.

    The reason why so many people never achieve what they wanted, is simply because they never made a decision to do so.

    Make a decision right now: do you want your ex back, or not?

    If you choose yes, then make a plan to help you achieve this. If you choose no, then make a plan to help you get out of this state of mind.

    Decide RIGHT NOW that you are NOT going to keep feeling like this. It stops NOW.

    We are all fortunate and blessed to be alive. Should you waste this opportunity on somebody that has no respect for you?

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ Christine

    Dear he’s gone,

    You are correct with everything you said about what seems to happen when we put things before God….Light bulb..LOL. I somehow felt as if I were in a supportive crowd once I found this instead of all alone.
    Thanks for that.

    Christine

  • Mira

    Shelley! Hello and hello to everyone. The first time I visted this site was Feb 15 and haven’t been back since. I wanted to check in with you Shelley to see how you were doing.

  • shelly

    Hi,
    I am hanging in there. Everyday is a little better. Its been a little over a month now and I have been working on me. I started working out and have lost 23 lbs. I have been doing more around my house..things that I have needed to do in a long time but have neglected to do so I could spend time with him. I feel good about myself and know that I am a good person and that I will find someone to love me for me one day when I am ready. I know one day he will mis me and I will be long gone…Thanks for checking on me. Its nice to know that there are people out there that are concerned.

  • eee

    my long term ex is coming back next week to sign some paper work and break some final parts with me. I am going to do my best to avoid bring up the past and who’s fault it was. I catch myself think about the man that played me and my ex from time to time. I keep telling myself one thing, they are strangers now, there is no point tallying anything anymore. Yup, anyone I’ve dealt with is in the past……..it’s was long done and over with

  • sickinlovelost

    i prayed for all of you today …. to mend youre hearts and mine also … pain hurts love is hard but when you find the right person they will cherish you … i hope that all of you are feeling ok today … i think night time is the worst so get a good book watch showtimes { in treatment } and or get a cute puppy to share youre bed with ….. take care

  • randazel

    well on saterday my ex sapost to have gotten married, it was a month after she broke up with me! but the funny thing is that i didnt take it as hard as i thought, like dude said i shut the door and opened another one!! so thank you everyone on here. everyone one helps out so thank you guys for that!!

    ooo yea i met a hot asian girl this weekend!! :)

  • eee

    Randazel:

    Well I’m Asian and I have to say good for you!!!! I am not planning on meeting people yet, I need to build a sense of self (But I’ll still party cuz I’m a dance machine). Well hope y’all find what you are looking for…….I just wanna fulfill some passions I have life and take it from there!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Wow! Everyone sounds so positive today, I’m glad to hear that things are improving for some of us. Shelly, I have to say I’m so PROUD OF YOU GIRL! 23 pounds is amazing! You inspire me to move in the right direction for myself. Everyone scroll up and read what Jose had to say if you haven’t already. Food for the soul.
    Everyone have a beautiful day today!

  • randazel

    i am not looking for a relationship, but someone to hang out with!! thats all nothing more!!! just someone to get my mind of her and things. i see that she isnt everything, just someone i had some of the best times in my life with! but now i have to move on (close the door and open a new one) but yea i am getting happier!!! life do’s move on.its up to you on how long it takes. cause i am not going to cry for her for ever. to tell you the truth i dont think i have anymore tears left to cry!! so i look at it like she messed up and lost a great thing!!! so i hope everyone sees that and give them the middle finger!! its there loss not ours

  • Shelly

    I am glad you are feeling better randazel, I am having a rough day today..missing him and he is not even worth missing. I wish that I could move on so easily. I know he doesn’t deserve my tears or my thoughts but I can’t help but think of him and wonder if he ever thinks of me. I miss him terribly. I am glad I have everyone here to vent to..I feel as if my friends and family are tired of hearing my whining….Most days lately I am ok but i still have my bad days. I wish I could just erase him from my mind completely. I am sure he doesn’t even put one thought of me. I don’t understand how some people can just turn off thier emotions like a lightswitch…thank you all for listening..

  • randazel

    i always was thinking about that also. like how could you just turn your back to me and be like fuck you i moved on you schould too( thats what she told me)!! for some of us it isnt that easy to do! i think that because we are not greedy people! we care for others and got a good hart!! some people are hartless and fake!!! but i see now that i do have a hole lot to give someone. i got alot going for me. and all she ever did for me was look good on my arm!! she didnt motivate me cheer me on. tell me i can do it!! all she did was git me this i want that!!! so i see that im better of with out her!!!
    but b elive me i think about that till this day!! do she wonder what im doing, is she woried about what im doing? when she heres something or see something. do it remind her of me??? but like dude said. u got to close that door and open a new one, if it was ment to be then it was!! so i belive i just closed the door on her. and open a new door. to bettering my self and doing the right thing!! and i am happy for what i have lurned. i am a better man because of it!! i no better. and i no how to treat a woman now!!! but belive me your fam will never get tired of you!! and if your friends are then they really aint your friends!!!

  • eee

    Shelly
    You just said my words, I understand exactly how you felt. I stopped mentioning to family and friends because they are sick of the same old story…..I’m sick of hearing it myself. I keep things to myself now a days. Most of the time, I am up and optimistic. But as much as I try to avoid the thoughts, knowing that some heartless person almost ruined my life, it hurts from time to time. Don’t we all wish that lingered memory of pain could just be erased from our head. But I started telling myself one thing, to forgive and to let go. Only then I can love and feel the blessing of life. I stopped asking myself why me, why did he do all that damages and feeling all victimized by the situation. I stopped pushing myself out of angst and put large amount of energy into that “I’m gonna show him off later” attitude. I learn to say its in the past now, it don’t matter and I forgive. What I’m doing right now, this whole new challenge I am taking on is to only benefit myself and I will move on without pain, regret and hate. I don’t deny there is still pain but the cause is not the case, it’s the healing that is important.

  • Stac

    My son at 16 is having his first real heart break. I’m learning again of how to talk to him on a level that will impact his life. I want him to go on and not dwell. The advice is GREAT! I paln on using it tonight….

  • randazel

    hi everyone. i hope people are doing ok!! i see no one has been on. so i just wanted to say hi hope everyone is doing good!! everyday gets better. and i see now that i was to good for here!!! way to good!!! so close the door and open a new one!!!

  • Shelly

    randazel…hey Happy Friday…everyday does get better but I can’t keep him out of my head..thoughts of him are driving me crazy.. I am so tired of thinking of him and wondering about what he is doing!!!
    I have been keeping myself busy but it doesn’t seem to get better.
    When will it end???????????????

  • randazel

    i noticed it got alot eazyer. when i started focusing on my art school. i am really into it now. i have loved art all my life. so replaced her with something else i love i guess. dont get me wrong. i do get sad. but then i think about how she treaded me. how she was never there for me when i need her,( i was always there for her) and i see that i am too good for that!! i am not ugly so i can get a girl!! ( even tho i dont want one, i just want someone to hang out with) i will always love her. always!! but i see that it wasnt ment to be!! it just wasnt!!! i got tired of crying, not sleeping,eatting,stressing. i am happy for the things she showed me and for the times we had together. i am a better person now. a better man now! so i thank her for that!!! just reading up on people on this page made me relize we are not the only ones. people are going threw this all over the us and out of state! so we are not alone, we are only human. so try to do something you love!! and talk about it alot. i no you guys are tired of talking to people about it. but you have to talk about it. after i started letting everything out i felt alot better!! alot better!!!!!!!! and to tell you the truth the last time i talked to her (when she called me just to talk shit after 26 day of not speeking) and i told her how i feel and what she did to me. ( i let her have it) i felt so much better. it felt like everything was lifted of my sholders!! real talks. and ever sence then i feel a hole lot better!! like dude said on here close the door and open another. it really helps. go out shoot. you will see that there are people out there who like you for you!!! i no i see that now!! if you have swagger you have swagger and no one can take that from you!!! no one

  • eee

    today I saw my ex for the first time in two months(this was my long term 5yrs living together but I was never in love with him guy)……..yeah, he cut me off for two months and i thought he would never speak to me again. The reason I saw him was because I had his mails and paper work to deal with him. I was a wee bit nervous but the actual interaction was pretty normal and I can face him like a friend. The only uncomfortable part was whenever I got close to him, I was so compelled to hug him or to snuggle him (we’ve been very close for 5 years). I held my tongue from going over our past or just touchy subjects. I think this is finally over, wow. I didn’t miss him much throughout this time because to me he will always remain as someone i was so close to …….but no chemistry or attraction.

  • randazel

    eee
    so you closed the door. thats good. im glad to here that!!! good for you!!!
    i got a question for you laddies!! ok today i talked to my new friend! she told me that (comeing for a woman!!) that with my ex. she said once a woman has a guy in the palm of her had she dont feel a challenge anymore!! that eather she will fully give her self to you or find a new challenge. is that true?? if so thats messed up? cause i kind off feel thats what happen to me!! when i was more of a (dick or acted like she was my girl thats all) to her she wanted me more and had to be around me more!!!!! and when i started to be more nice open up more and was a great boyfriend she was done with me. so i was wondering was she right???

  • eee

    randazel………..first of all, thank you! Secondly, as for your question, it’s true when it comes to the person itself. Even then, true love surpasses the chase game and I’m sure one day you’ll find that steady love you deserve. I know a lot of lovers, guys and gals, no one says love is easy…..but people just don’t up and leave because there is no more challenge….that’s more like a game. Even for a player, if there’s real feeling she/he has for the other person……they’ll stick around and enjoy the comfort of non challenging love……well, this is just my opinion. Personally I think love should have its difficulties, but it should not become a practice ground for those who just wanna test their abilities. I stuck around with my ex for five years because he opened up to me and loved me very much. The downside of that was I never loved him romantically, I just kept my duty

  • Jose Gonzalez

    Hi randazel,

    The truth is that she could have left you (as you put it) for any number of reasons, and more likely than not – a combination of reasons. People seldom leave somebody for a single reason – unless it’s a pretty good (bad) one.

    But your friend makes a great point which does affect how your partner interacts with you. When we settle into ‘safe” routines we stop becoming a challenge, and this is BORING.

    Whilst you don’t have to act like a ‘dick’, you do need to keep your end of the rope (so to speak) tight – but not always so either – aim for tight/slack/tigh/tight/slack.

    In other words, be – and keep things – interesting.

    This doesn’t require money or too much brain power – there are unlimitless things you can do.

    You don’t mention how long you were together. Let’s say for instance that you were in a relationship for 4 years, and that after you ‘won her’ you settled into a ‘safe’ routine, which includes getting home from work, putting your slobby clothes on and parking your butt in front of the tv with a crate of beer on one side and your girlfriend on the other.

    Generally, this is good from a guy’s point of view :) but not so good for her

    Remember that there are guys everywhere looking their best, acting their best, doing cool stuff, and she always has the choice (as do you) of going somewhere else.

    women are generally much well kept than us guys – they make the effort to look good always, whereas guys – once we get our girl – move on to other things which don’t require us to look like 007.

    Well, those guys looking their best also have eyes, and if your girlfriend is looking good…

    There are tons of things you can do to keeps things interesting. For example, you could hit the movie theater once a week – but make the effort to dress up and look and smell good – make it a date! Follow it up with nice food and a little drink.

    Make Friday nights ‘sexy nights’. Get champagne (there are plenty of cheap brands) strawberries (full of zinc) chocolate (aphrodisiac) and pamper each other. This gives you both something to look forward to every single week.

    The list is endless.

    I’m not implying that your girlfriend (or any girl) is going to run off with the first guy that comes along – looking good – at all. However, you DO need to make an effort to maintain a relationship. It’s not over when you have her – you’re just in a new level.

    And this goes for her too of course – a great relationship is a 2 way street.

    Lastly, before you even think about feeling ‘down’ about the competition – think this to yourself: you once looked awesome enough to attract her. You did it once and you can do it again ;)

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • randazel

    thanks for that. i just wanted to no what other people thought about what she said. hope you are doing better!! you sound like a great womna!!

  • randazel

    thanks for that. i just wanted to no what other people thought about what she said. hope you are doing better!! you sound like a great woman!!

  • HN

    I have just had my heart broken for the first time ever by someone who I truly let myself love. We were great, until he called me saying he can’t be with me. Me or anyone he says. He says he is not ready to be in a relationship and needs to be by himself for a while, and needs to figure out what he wants. On paper he has his life together, house, car, job….

    I’m sad and I have never felt this way before. I want to yell and scream. My chest aches, my heart is racing, and I want him back. I know that I can’t have him back, atleast not now. If it is meant to be it will be, right? He told me I am amazing, and that there is a guy out there who can treat me better and appreciate me more than he can right now, and that I should go find him….. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t want to wait for him to get his stuff together, but I don’t want to rush past him either. I just want the hurting and the pain to stop. Help…..

  • sickinlovelost

    i hate my ex … he is sucha bitch … lol .really tho … i swear he gets his period … im so sick of looking at his dumb ass face everyday at work … i wish he would move to atlanta … or nc or uk or anywhere but here …. LOSER

  • randazel

    hn
    i too felt like this but over time. things are getting better!!its been over a month and im hurt, but read up in here and it will help out alot!! close the door and open another like dude said!! give it some time. try to have fun and do something u love to get your mind of shit!! just keep your head up!! let it out scream talk just dont hold it in! things do get better as time gos on, and like i seen if it was ment to b then it was, and he will come back to you!! its up to you if you let him back in!! but you will always miss him.

  • eee

    sickinlovelost

    tats right, u cuzz him out right here, i support you. U need to tell somebody tat he is a cheap bastard. We all got frustrations and we dont need to hold a miss nice gal 24/7. I ‘ll take this chance to call out the fucking loser tat broke into my relationship and used me, hope he gets herpies cuz all tat sleeping around………lousy lazy motha fucka

  • Sam

    Hi Guys, I am back for more advice. My story was that my guy was on the rebound and then decided he couldn’t be involved with me, but still wanted to be friends. Bev, you said leave it to him to make the friendship move. Anyway, a month went by and no contact, although I had to text him once to sort out some practical stuff with him collecting his possessions. We have not seen each other at all though. Anyway, yesterday he sends me a text basically saying, if I want to, he wants to catch up and say hello, presumably a move towards being friends. Do men ever mean this? I am not sure about it at all. I don’t think he wants to get back together, but I am not sure how ‘normal’ it is to pretend you never had a relationship and are only just friends. Any advice friends, please!

  • randazel

    jose g

  • randazel

    jose g
    to tell you the truth i did everything u said. we went out. i got dressed up. tryed to wine and dine her. but she would get mad kinda when i did get dressed up. she would say im trying to look good for the chicks!! ( i cant help that im cute) but i would take her out to nice dinners get dressed up for her. walk down the street get her a rose. u no i did try to keep things spicy. i changed my everyday routine. going out with her more. the movies like twice a week. going places. dinner, theme parks, going to la to visit my family. its not like i didnt try.cause belive me i did try.i really really did!!!!!
    but i see now that some people are just not greatful for things they have or get in life. i see now she was selfish hartless and just not greatful. all it was to her was me me me. sence this has happen to me and i am starting to feel better and get on my toes. i see now that i deserve better. and i have meet some nice girls who like me and want to hang out with me and take me out!!! its a big change from me doing everything. to now them wanting to take me out!!! and i like it!!! they treat me with respect!!!! and what hurts the most. is that these people i have only none for a couple weeks. see that i am a good person. a careing person. someone with a good head on them. i got goals i got things going for me!! so i look at it now as its her loss. i dont care if she is a fucking super model. looks are not everything and i see that now!!! its what is in side that really counts!!!!
    i wanted a woman a real woman not no little scared girl!!!! and i see now that there are real woman out there!! (like the ones on this sight!!! thank you ladies. its nice to no u r out there!!)
    but i see now it wasnt me but her! i stoped blameing my self, i dont ask my self the what if questions anymore!!! i closed the door.
    so thanks jose g for them words. i like what you have to say!! real talks!!! thanks!!! good luck everyone!! hope everyone is feel alot better!!

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com Jose Gonzalez

    Hi Sam,

    If it were me, I would seriously consider whether this ‘friendship’ is beneficial to me [right now].

    It seems that you may be (or could be, if you allow it) spending (wasting) a lot of emotional energy on this ‘friendship’. You haven’t seen him in a month, but one text has your mind spinning and running all kinds of questions and scenarios… and this is not the best way to spend your time (we all do this at some point, but it’s always easier for somebody else to point it out to you).

    The reason behind his text could be anything. Maybe he’s not having luck elsewhere and he wants to ‘catch up’ from a very selfish perspective. Maybe he’s genuine and he wants to be friends. Maybe he’s bored out of his skull…

    The point here is that what other people do or think is out of YOUR control. The one thing you DO have control over, is YOU, and you must not let other people take over that so easily.

    Time, as they say, is a great healer. In time, you will not only think of him without any attachment, but you will also be able to remember than you once had a relationship and be ok about it.

    Right now however, you could be spending too much time on the wrong kind of emotion for a friendship, and perhaps you should consider grabbing some ‘me’ time and keeping your mind busy with the things and friends that you do have, building up your threshold once again.

    You don’t mention how you’ve been during this month, so perhaps you have already been doing the right things (cool) but this 1 text now has you in a bit of a turmoil.

    In aeroplanes, they always instruct you to place the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first, not the children or anybody else. I love this example as it illustrates my point perfectly: if you’re not happily grounded in yourself, then you’re not much use to anybody else.

    You need to be your best to enjoy life to the full,
    and other people need you to be your best to enjoy your company to the max. And that always starts with your mind, and being ‘here’ ‘now’ (as opposed to ‘in your head’).

    In your post you said ‘I am not sure about it at all’.

    If it felt right, you’d know straight away. Trust your feelings.

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • Sam

    Thanks so much Jose. Over the last month I have been pretty unhappy, even though I’ve tried to do the things you mention, like going out with other friends and trying to stay normal. I suspect he is feeling guilty and doesn’t want to feel like a bad guy. I can understand that but I feel that he did do the wrong thing and misled me and now he wants to be friends so that he can have his cake and eat it too so to speak. I also feel like it would be weak of me to allow him into my life as a friend, as it is all about what he wants. But at the same time, I don’t enjoy keeping up the anger and the emotional guard all the time. I don’t really understand how men can plan to get into an intense relationship knowing they are going to end it after a few months. Thanks for your advice. Sam

  • eee

    Sam

    Hi, yeah I had your situation on my plate. Some guy was in an intense thing with me which I had no idea I was a rebound…….hurt me and gone, after a while and wanted to be friends. I too was shaken, i took the chance cuz I wanna seem cool and mature. It was a big mistake. The next thing I know is that he came to talk to me about his relationship and love biz…..am I suppose to sit and pretend nothing happened……Men do play amnesia with ya. Or at least they want you to pretend it was friendship all along. I left him for good, no friendship for me. Someone that broke my heart, used and misled me ……as a friend? I really don’t think so. Trust me babe, its a harsh reality but once you sit and talk to him, to see his emotional change……it’s like a slap in the face.

  • Sam

    Thanks eee this helps me out a lot! I think sometimes knowing the likely pattern or outcome of these situations can help with seeing the reality of your own situation. I, too, would like to seem like I am cool about it but I suppose if the other person never really cared in the same way you did then you are setting yourself up for more hurt. I will take your advice and leave it alone. sorry to hear about your situation but thanks for sharing. Sam

  • sickinlovelost

    the gym is my man …. i just watch like a perverd … all the sexy brown boys with there shirts off playing basketball …ha …lol… yea u can say it lol perverd … well its better than being self destructive and besides watching beautiful people when i am on precore for an hour makes me freakin move faster , with thoughts of miami and sun and cute boys …ha … its been 8 years for me and im celebate … fuck my ex … he is a punk …. super fine … punk …. i cant wait to walk in with my six pack on his dumb ass … lol…. ill keep you informed … about a month ….working out feels so good for myself above all … anyways heres to wearing low cut jeans …lol cheers

  • sickinlovelost

    i think im in the rage stage ?

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com Jose Gonzalez

    Hello again Sam,

    Everything about your last post was pointing in one direction: freedom. Until you said: “But at the same time, I don’t enjoy keeping up the anger and the emotional guard all the time.”

    Nobody said you have to harbour ill feelings! In fact, you should banish these asap.

    grudges = inner stress = illness (there is a ton of scientific evidence to support this).

    If / when you catch yourself feeling angry about him – ask yourself this: is he worth putting my health at risk?

    Probably not, right?

    You can’t keep a bit of hatred for somebody tucked away in a secret corner of your mind and be ‘free’. You really have to let go.

    Things aren’t always to our taste, but they give us experience and knowledge which we can use NEXT TIME.

    Life is just a ride, enjoy it.

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com Jose Gonzalez

    Hey randazel,

    It sounds like you did all the right things – but remember also that doing too much can be the nail in the coffin.

    There is an ancient Chinese proverb which teaches that you have to hold something precious gently, even when every fiber in your body wants to hold on to it tight, because when we hold on tight to things, that’s when we lose them.

    It really is a fine balance. If you act ‘too nice’ or ‘do too much’ you also stop becoming a challenge and you’re in Mr predictable boring land.

    But you have the right attitude – you say things like wanting to ‘keep things spicy’ which puts you in the ‘A’ league.

    The only thing I’d say is to always see what her reaction is (and I don’t mean by asking her or staring at her expectantly…). A relationship is about 2 people – she has to contribute too. If you keep doing ‘nice’ things for her and she doesn’t return the niceties in her own way, something is amiss. But don’t get to the stage where you’re the only one ‘doing’ things. Remember the magic sequence: push, push, pull, push, pull… (basically, never stick to a pattern)

    Also, do more things that don’t cost anything – walks in the outdoors, a movie indoors. If you keep throwing money at her things will go stale. And if they don’t, you will have a very expensive relationship.

    You said that she would get angry at you looking after your appearance, and accuse you of putting on a show for the ‘chicks’. I think this may have been part of the problem. This attitude is not emotionally mature, and points to a person with very low self-esteem and – as a result – deep seated insecurities.

    Unfortunately, there is not much you can do ‘right’ for people like this. Feeling insecure will have somebody bordering on paranoia and finding almost everything you do as evidence that you’re trying to ‘hurt’ them. But at the same time, you cannot stop looking after yourself or being you to compensate.

    Almost all of us experience low self-esteem and insecurities, but we have to work on ourselves FIRST and become emotionally healthy before we can go into a relationship and give our best (and receive somebody else’s best). But of course, it doesn’t happen that way. Insecure people will jump into doomed relationships and hurt not only themselves but also their partners.

    The average person spends more time on their cell phone answering message than working on themselves!

    Here’s a tip: don’t be in a rush. Don’t be ‘looking’ for the one(s). Instead, work on becoming the best you yet – confident, well-groomed, happy, funny and pleasant. Hit the gym if you can, learn a cool new hobby, join a class where you’ll be meeting new people… Then, as if by magic, the opportunities for new relationships will start popping right in front of your face. And hopefully, with emotionally healthy women.

    You’re going the right way – from what I read in your post – “i stoped blameing my self, i dont ask my self the what if questions anymore!!! i closed the door” – cool for you! The time is over for analyzing etc. You can never know what the other person thought, or the full reason of why they did this and that, and it’s pointless trying to guess. What happened happened, and that’s all there is to it.

    You know, the best thing about the past is that it’s over ;)

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • eee

    Here something I wanna share with Sam , Jose the expert, Lovesickinlost and Randazel.

    First thing first shit happens in a relationship. I did my lil anger thing and realize that it only gets me lower and unworthy of love. So when I look back, specifically the cases where I was the victim, I tell myself we were just stupid kids. Me and the other party. No one is really wrong, no bastards and bitches, just things didn’t work out. Laughing things off makes everything feel so much better. I don’t need to forgive them, they are none of my business so what’s there to forgive. The person I need to forgive is myself, for putting myself through all that emotional turbulence. I don’t pray for The One to rescue me. I can self procreate, meaning transform and upgrade myself. I can rebuild everything and heal my own heart without the thought of revenge. What is the point to show off my beautiful bod or new boy friend to my ex later? Do I really care what they think? And whatever is going on in their life or mind is none of my interest either. As a matter of fact, I hope they find their match and stop causing damage. I learned my lessons and I move on, I won’t hide my soul because I got hurt. I still trust people, just I will use a slight different approach. No plots, no plans, or mast strategy love and dating theories for me. Everyone’s perspective and attitude in relationships are different. I won’t mold myself to suit the next person, I comprise and make necessary adjustments. Through this whole love, lost, relationship, separation thing…I realize I can only be myself, the best of me will make someone happy one day. There is a good match out there that will work the chemistry with me. I appreciate myself and love myself and no one can take that away from me. I don’t wonder why my ex lover loves someone else more than me, I ain’t better than anyone, I’m just not his fit. We are all special and beautiful to someone out there who see us as how we see ourselves. Love, Faith and peace!

  • shoush

    i luved him so much and i need him … still thinking of him but i have 2 get over him
    still remember everything between us
    u will still in my mind even if iam not coz i really luved u … even if u dont deserve me or deserve the luv….

  • sickinlovelost

    happy easter all …. : ) just wanted to let you all know that you are great and everyone has good and bad days … as you can tell by my post’s …. it makes me somewhat sick that we give these losers so much control … my ex doesnt even care what im doing … and i think about him daily … ewww …. so staying busy helps …less time less thoughts … well i hope none of you are sad today … be happy …. take care

  • http://www.objetivolaguzman.com ROSA A. URIBE

    Thank you very much!! I think this blog really helped me.

  • mb

    all i know is the man i love is not the last person i will be in love with but it feels that way. each time i have been in love, no matter how painful the experience i have tried to progress to a deeper understanding of myself (and to hopefully see a pattern that i can break) thankfully i haven’t gotten stuck in the rut of the same ol bad relationship, each one has been great and sucked in a different way. it started as a casual thing and against my better judgement i fell in love, told him i hated myself at times for loving him because i knew he didn’t feel the same and that i couldn’t figure out a reason why i loved him. off and on with him for almost 4 years now, damn maybe its 5, and on one of our off times (while he was not messing with some groupie or nasty chick) he got together with an acquaintences baby mom, let her move in with him, now he has her pregnant, and i swore 2008 was going to be a year of breaking free of him, in fact just found out she is due in july, and after asking him to not contact me because i couldn’t say no to him, he was in town and with one visit i was back in the craphole i had been trying to get out of. what made it so twisted or so beautiful is that when we were together i knew it could potentially be our last time, and i know he felt it too. now i just think about him having a baby with her, imagining him loving her the way he will never love me, and wondering why he comes back to me (because i’m easy), and why i let him. it’s a sick addiction that is killing my spirit, puts me in a place i do not want to be, and being an intelligent woman i know this will pass but i sit here and hold on to this crap knowing i need to give it all up and let go. i read things into this last time when i was with him, hope is a sick thing sometimes. just tired of these lessons that are making me a better person, because what i am becoming is cynical and jaded, and sometimes i can’t feel much and don’t really want to. i’m tired of being in love. each time i take him back (if you call sex taking him back lol) i hate myself more, but i know that i really love him, love him but don’t want to be with him, but jealous of just not being able to say i will be a part of his life forever. not jealous of the way he treats her cause he’s an ass. i wish i could just take a mental vacation away from the thought of him. i need to heal and i keep picking at the scab.

  • mb

    i’m even tired of being tired of having a broken heart. waiting for it to heal already. if you see me post ever again it will mean that i have failed in kicking that bad habit to the curb. i hope we all don’t have to come back to this post (however nice it was to read).

  • randazel

    eeee and jose g.
    thanks jise for the words. it helps out alot!! u no what you are talking about 4sure.
    and eeeee you go girl i like what you said. it looks like we both closed the door. i like what u have to say alot!! it is up to us and we can only better are selves and love are selfs. and no one can take that away!! so i am glad you are there or getting there!! there is alot out there for us!!

  • Louise

    Hey everyone. I just want to thank Sara on making this post. I am going thru a broken heart right now and it really hurts. Also I have learnt that he “Can’t wait to see that girl”. So he likes another girl when he dumped me 4 days ago. So now I’m laying in bed with Jackass playing in the background (cuz Jackass always makes me laugh or smile but it’s not working) with a small box of tissues and a bin full of them. It hurts a lot and I just want the healing process to be over cuz I am so sick of crying and being hurt!

  • pete

    Well.

    Its hard to start. I am 28 and my fiancee and I are splitting up. I feel like I am in a nightmare, so kind of odd world, nothing makes sense.

    First thing I love her more than words.

    To say I feel like I am dying is to be plain and cannot express the true sorrow I have in my soul.

    I dont know where to go or who to talk to. I feel completely insain and I have zero trust for my family as they played a part in our breakup. My therapist sucks and I feel like I need to scream. For whatever its worth I do.

    I feel guilty and like this is all my fault. I know its not but I can’t help but feel maybe I should have said or done something differently.

    Also as a man I am having a hard time grieving. I can barely pull myself together, its hard to look myself in the eyes. Its not as though I have done anything wrong either.

    What it comes down to is sometimes you can love someone but it doesnt mean you should be with them I suppose.

    I guess its so hard because for the first time in my life I gave someone everything. Put her first and gave her my all. But it wasnt enough at the end of the day.

    Being in New York I can remember 9-11 like it was yesterday, all I can say was it was nothing short of total horror. I never thought I could feel something so intense and raw again until now.

    I wish I was a god fearing guy, but I have never been so. I wish that I could give into blind faith that it will get better. I wish that I could find the resolve in myself to hope.

    But some how I just can not get past the tears and the guilt. This weighs so heavy on my heart, I wish it would just kill me. Most of all I wish I wasn’t a disappointment to Lo.

  • Shelly

    Pete and Louise,

    I understand what your going through. I just went and still am going through a heartbreak. The only thing I can tell you is that time does heal all wounds and you will not die even though you feel like you want to or like your going to. The pain is something I never want to expereince again but with time it has gotten better. Once you get into your own “new” routine without the other person it will start to hurt less. It has been 2 months for me and there are times that I still miss him like crazy and wonder what he is doing but the hurt is not as bad. I have changed my routine and started working out and going out with friends that I neglected when I was with him and am now focused on new things that I didn’t when I was with him.
    If you need to talk about it then do it. If you need to scream and cry then do that too. If you feel like you need to get it out then do it!! You will feel better trust me!!!
    This site has been extremely helpful because you realize that your not the only person in this world that feels the way you do! So blog about your feelings when you feel like there is no one else to talk to or that your friends and family are tired of hearing about it. Someone here will give your words of advice.
    Keep you head up and try to become a new you. Believe me when I tell you that it does get better with time. When one door closes another door opens. Just be patient and try to keep yourself busy!!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Hello HN, shoush, Sam, mb, Louise & Pete:

    Welcome to the blog. Reading your feelings helps me to remember where I was just a short time ago. I am doing better, but it’s certainly a slow process. Shelly is right, you have to find new things to do, keep yourself busy….even so, it will come back at you like when you’re baking and you open the oven door and feel the heat on your face….it’s weird, and yet so normal. I have good and bad moments, but the people here in this blog all care about each other and help each other. Some of us have good advice and some of us just listen. Shelly, eee and Jose have been life-savers for me. There is a lot of positive stuff here, just take your time and read through. Some of us are venting and cussing up a storm and some of us are crying and some of us are happy because we’ve lost weight or met someone new or found a new job or got a dog….myself, I have made the decision to go back to college so that I can have a better life for me and my kids. Being a single mom is hard, but I keep reminding myself that when my love broke my heart, I still have two wonderful kids at home that love me more than any man ever will. And not to offend the religion-sensitive, but GOD loves me too, and HE is my strength right now. Thanks to everyone here, HUGS to everyone here. Let’s all keep in touch with each other and keep talking it out until we HEAL.

  • sara

    it feels like iam dyingx

  • sara

    its been 8 days since i last heard from him.we been together 2 years but we kept arguin so i ended it but i text 4 days ago sayin i need you but he never got back.is that it?i do not want to phone him or text again because i cant handle the rejection but iam dying inside i just feel i will not cope without him in my life,everything reminds me of him i love him and if he never comes back i will die.do you think he is makin me sweat?why is he not missing me like iam him,any guys able to tell me why a guy can hold back for so long without hurting like this.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Sara,
    Girl, it’s gonna be okay. First of all, if he’s making you “sweat it” why in the hell would you want him? Seriously, life is too short for games! Secondly, he’s not making you sweat it, honey he’s just DONE. He is not holding back, he is just one of those people who actually knows how to break up and move on. He is probably missing the things he loved about you, but he made a decision and he’s sticking to it, because he doesn’t want to deal with the part of the relationship that was causing all the arguing. I know it hurts like hell, and you really DO feel like you are going to die. I was just there not long ago, but let me tell you, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE (at least not for a long, long time!) You have to make yourself eat, and make yourself go to bed, and make yourself get up in the morning and make yourself do your housework and go to your job, sometimes you have to consciously make yourself breathe in and out!! Sometimes you have to take it 5 minutes at a time. Listen to me, you are God’s creation and you are beautiful, someone that is RIGHT for you is out there, you have to patient and wait for that. I know you love this person, and you are hurting so much right now, but you have to understand that if it was meant to be, he would still be there with you! To get over him, you need to make yourself focus on the bad things about him, it doesn’t have to be forever, just long enough to give you some strength. Get MAD girlfriend, bitch up and move forward. Find your happy spot, what makes you happy? What did you like to do for fun/happiness before he came along? Do you have any friends you haven’t spent time with in awhile because you were with him? Call them up, have a girls’ night out, go see a movie or go shopping with your homegirls. Find stuff to keep you busy and keep your mind off of him. Stop listening to music for awhile, try reading instead. PUT YOUR MAKEUP ON AND FIX YOUR HAIR EVERY SINGLE DAY! It will make you feel better about yourself. Is there something that you don’t know much about and have always wanted to learn? Get a book about it, or better yet, take a class. Get up, get moving and get on with it. It’s okay to voice your hurt and we are all here for you, we want you to get it all out, you need to if you are going to heal, but you have to WANT to heal….vent, cry, cuss, scream….do whatever you need to do right here honey! But don’t WALLOW in it. Your REAL love is out there trying to find you, so get READY for him. Meanwhile, LOVE YOURSELF SISTER. All of us here love you, and I am praying for you.

  • Distant Drumming

    It’s been over a year since things really ended, finally. And as I read these comments, I remember so many of these emotions. Some days they are close and other days, the pain seems further away. I have to say, that I still think of him every day of my life, first thing in the am, last thing in the pm. Sometimes it is a love song, that I hear, or somewhere we went together that I pass, or just a memory that creeps in. What hurts the most is I can’t understand why I still feel this way. Yeah, it’s not as bad. But some days feel like such a waste of time because he isn’t here any more. And then I get angry at myself, like what the F*CK. I am here, I am here, I am here. But what if this was my soul mate? And what if I missed it? Sometimes, I think, he can’t have been the ONE, because I wasn’t his ONE. He contacts me from time to time, with some useless text message, or blog message sent to my email. These little peaks into his life, invading mine, make it worse. Do I tell him to lose my number once and for all? Block him from my email once and for all? Can I really ever move on if he is still there, some where, even if it is just in the back of my mind?
    Don’t tell me to get a dog, or go on dates. I have a cat. LOL. And other men are just such a pale comparison. I find myself looking for ones that look like him, or shocked if I do see someone that looks like him, coming unexpectedly around a corner. I tried dating and screwing around to take my mind of it. It didn’t really work. Now I am just taking time for myself, but I still go through moments where I hate him for not being who I needed him to be (my love), and other times, I want to release him to the universe with love and peace, so that I may too have love and peace. I think it is like a garden, and if I let the weeds of memories fill my garden, then there will not be room for the roses, and daffodils and new blossoms of love that I need now. And I deserve a lovely garden, not a hard-packed dirt lot with weeds, left over and reminiscent of my broken heart…. Ready now? Almost.

  • sickinlovelost

    that is exactly how i feel … wow … its crazy how humans are so much alike … i miss him to i have my good and bad days , i cant seem to cover up the pain with distractions … but i have been consistant with the gym … and i was a bad girl when he came to drop our daughter off … o well im just a big bowl of mixed emotions … its been a year for me also … it feels new like it just happened … be strong we are here to support you

  • sara

    iam so scared of seeing him with someone else.i feel like he was amazing and i was a complete bitch and now some lovely girl will get him,but it was both of us not all me.we have broke up before but this is the longest and every day he dont contact me a little bit more of me dies,iam a complete fuckin mess i never thought he could make me feel this way,i know i ended it but i text a few days later and said i need you but he never got back so i feel he must not want to and i cant ask because i cant cope with the words of rejection.its his birthday tomorrow and i dont even know how i will get through the day i just want to go asleep for a very long time.

  • sara

    i feel a bit better today apart from a burning pain in the pit of my tummy,its like you have stages of pain,my first week was pure hell and half way thru the second to but now ive kind of got my head around the fact he is not comin back i can start on ways of picking myself back up.i really dont want to get involved with anybody else again because i honestly cant go thru this again it never gets any easier.i know ive still got a long way to go like ive got to get the seeing him bit out the way because iam sure i will bump into him soon plus i will probably hear he has got somebody else which i know will be the big killer for me.but i can see a light at the end of the tunnel today and iam sure i will be reading back on this in a few months time and realising what a sad cow i was.my advice for anybody out there who is goin thru the same is dont text them dont break for a second and crumble at their feet,when all is said and done you will still have your pride and the saying goes if you love someone set them free and if they come back it was meant to be so if they dont hold your head up high and move along.

  • sara

    just been to town and saw his parents and now iam a wreck again crying filled with panic i just want to text him and beg him back but i wont.it feels like iam back to square one dying inside i cant eat and i feel ill.why wont he just text me and tell me hes goin thru the same why is he not going thru what iam iam devastated

  • Distant Drumming

    This thing called love in its beauty and pain is the greatest of the shared human experiences.

  • Louise

    I still miss him like crazy and I have learnt to not let my feelings out so I haven’t really cried and I try not to let myself cry even though I know I should, I just have never been alowed to let out my emotions.
    Also i have changed my routine about.
    Getting up at a certain time to exercise, going to bed and just staying busy.
    Also I am working on a story that I have been working on for a really long time and I really want to get it finished so I normally work on it at night so I don’t have time to think about him.
    Also I am begining to draw again and I never thought that drawing your emotions can also help too.
    Sure I still check his facebook everyday but staying busy really helps I also know that I need to cry.
    Anyway if you can go out and run (or even on a treadmill) that relieves stress too.

  • sara

    feel even worse today,every day i carry hope he will call and every morning i have that same burning in the pit of my stomach and i just want to be sick and fall to bits i feel completely out of control emotionally,its been eleven days now the longest wehave ever gone without contact but it wont sink in he is not comin back,i think hes got somebody new because he would never do this to me

  • Ollie

    Was with my girlfriend 5 years couldn’t understand why she was so angry all the time and looking for every xcuse to break up with me, gave her space to think now she has somebody else I no deep down this has been going on for months. I got angry now i just feel so low and sick of thinking about her with him.
    I cant break the cycle.

  • broken hearted

    Hey, I am also broken hearted. the man i want to spend rest of my life, called it quite on us. He said I had let go of the past I could not let go, and cost me my relationship. I am still sad but, some how make to through the days. He said he still love me but, there is no more hope because the way i was acting, he getting feed up and reach point to were could no longer deal with it. I have stop crying just feed that I wish taking and acted different. I am hopeing to do better in my next relationship and make the same mistake again. Just wish that this had happen.

  • Sam

    Oh guys I have had an episode and I need help! Today I saw my ex for the first time in three months. He texted me last week and I posted here about it, Jose gave me some good advice about how to evaluate whether I should try to be friends with him or not. Today we ran into each other near my work. Luckily for me, someone else we both know came along and I was able to excuse myself quite quickly, we probably only spoke for one or two minutes. Then half an hour later I get another text from him, asking if we could catch up for a private chat. I didn’t respond. Then a phone message an hour and a half later, telling me some unimportant details about some of my stuff. I wonder what this means, is he really trying to be friends with me, or does he just enjoy trying to keep me hanging around. I realise after Jose’s good comments that I wouldn’t be OK with a friendship at this stage, so how do I handle it if he calls again, I don’t want to come out of this looking like a fool, because I already feel humiliated about the way the relationship ended. Help friends!

  • Shelly

    Sam, If your ok with “just being friends” without letting any old or burried feelings getting in the way then I say go for it. I know alot of times that we are not only in love with the other person but they are also our best friend and know everything about you and they are the person you want to tell everyting to. It has been 2 months for me and personally I couldn’t do the “just friends” thing right now. I honestly don’t think I could ever be “just friends” I know everyone is different so maybe being just friends could work out for you. I just hope that if you decide to be just friends that old feelings don’t start to come back because if they do you may just end up hurt again.
    This is just my opinion…I am sure other people will have one. Good luck!! Let us know how it turns out!!

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Hi Sam,

    Glad to read you made some decisions. It’s not easy to predict or second guess what somebody’s intentions are, esp without background info such as the dynamic between you two and many other factors.

    From a man’s point of view (and this is only a guess) it sounds like he’s interested in being more than friends. I’m not implying that this is neither good nor bad – guessing he’s trying to get close to you is one thing, what his motives are (selfish etc…) are not part of my guess.

    It sounds like you’re in touch with your feelings though, and 1 thing is clear from what you said:
    “I wouldn’t be OK with a friendship at this stage”.

    Your question: “so how do I handle it if he calls again” is already answered.

    You simply tell him you’re not ready for ANY kind of interaction with him at this point in time.

    You won’t make a fool of yourself – you’re not accusing him of trying to jump into bed with you (he can always deny anything you say). You’re telling him that you are not available at ANY level (this cuts right through the bs).

    Sam: it’s YOUR time, and YOUR life. Get greedy with it. If you don’t want to spend time with somebody, then don’t. It’s that simple.

    You don’t owe anybody explanations, and you don’t need permission to have your own opinion.

    Don’t sit around stressing, wondering if/when he’ll call, and how can you tell him ‘no’. This is a waste of your life, simply put.

    Instead, get proactive. Text him (if you don’t want to speak to him) and tell him you’re not ready for any kind of interaction right now – you’re busy with a lot of new things and you’re concentrating on those (yes, I added a little stinger…)

    Doing this means you can put this chapter to sleep and start getting on with other stuff. Just do it, then you can put it out of your mind.

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • Sam

    Hi Jose,
    Your advice is great as always. I have read your post a few times and I know you are right. I am going to commit to following this advice and I will let you know how it goes! I didn’t mention that it is likely that I will see him again as our work lives sometimes cross (this is how we met in the first place) and this has placed extra stress on me at work not knowing if he might appear at any moment. Of course for the first three months after breaking up he didn’t. If he starts to ‘pop in’ more often in order to develop this ‘friendship’ that he says he wants, I am still a bit nervous about how to handle it as I don’t want to be embarassed at work. It makes it hard to put it behind you but I will try your plan. Thanks a million, Sam

  • gem

    is it possible to get back together after four weeks of no contact at all,time goes on but my pain never fades i always hope he will come back.

  • Kelly

    My boyfriend (well ex now)has an alchohol addiction that caused a lot of problems in the relationship. he would lie about his drinking cuz he knew I didnt like it when he drank. He became physicially addicted easily, so he medically detoxed and promised never to drink again..well, he did,drink again and each time it spiralled out of control. He would not being able to handle stresses of life and he would leave for days, sometimes weeks at a time and go back to his moms to get away from the pressures of our relationship, which in all reality was just the pressure I put on him to quit drinking and get help..Anyway, after all this of about a year living together, he moved out and back to his moms…After a few weeks we got back together again and he said he was coming back here to medically detox. And he did, And we had the most wonderful time together before he went to the hospital..He always professed his love to me throughout the relationship. Mind you, he wasnt an abuysive drunk, merely a sad, somewhat defensive one. He was really a soft gentle man with a problem..Anyway, the detox program failed ane he ended back up at his moms again…All along we promised to never be apart, he constantly told me how we were soulmates and he couldnt live without me..He even attempted to take his own life when I broke up with him once. Yes, this guy sent me on a whirlwind, but heres what screws with me..Just yesterday, we planned to have him come back here and he was going to go into a 30 day treatment program. He was so excited about getting better and we often throughtout this time spoke of marriage and being the love of each others lives, I promised to do all I could to help him, as I knew he was a good person regardless of his addiction. I forgave him for the lies…Anyway, i had a ride all set up for him and all the sudden, he started avoiding me, not answering my phone calls, then his mom said he wasnt there and to quit calling> I was dumbfounded! We had just spoken for hours, him crying how much he loves me and how he cant wait to get back to me and get healthy, how he would die without me, how I am all he has, that we are interwinded for eternity, shit you cant fake, veryheartfelt things. Things he always said to me throughout our relationship. All the way up to the very end, he professed DEEP love for me, through thousands of hours of endless conversation. Then BANG, nothing…complete silence. I went to his myspace page and saw he changed his status from in a relationship to single. No word from him, no explanation, no thanks, NOTHING. Can anyone give me their opinion on what they think happened from what I’ve said? I hav emy theories, but I’d love to hear unbiased opinions…
    Thanks and god bless all you heartbroken out there!

  • eee

    Hi everyone, I’m back from my lil so call post heart break romantic adventure. I learned one thing, don’t ever place your happiness in other ppl’s hand. Love but don’t let the other decide your feelings. It’s hard to say this but nothing is for sure, nothing is forever, nothing will ever kill you. I’ve seen some ppl coming out of there healed, some still struggling…..but love is not everything in this world. You got yourself, love yourself

  • Louise

    Hey,
    Its me… again.
    It has been really bad. I thought I was ready to move on but deep down inside, i’m not.
    I’ve been so depressed that I have put on 6 pounds…
    Now I am trying hard to stay focused on losing the weight but I just keep eating.
    I still cry most nights and I am even more depressed now that my weight has gone up.
    Why do we do this to ourselves over love and broken hearts.
    I’m trying not to cry now…

  • Distant Drumming

    Kelly and Additction
    Dear Kelly: I hear you and I am sorry that you have had such a bad time of it. What I want to say to you is – you dodged a bullet. The rest of your life could have been this rollercoaster ride.
    An addict is an addict is an addict, and although some find recovery; it is a long hard journey with much back sliding and going over the same old ground. I know it hurts, but count yourself lucky and run, run, run away from this guy. He needs to help himself right now and there is not much he can give to you until he finds some health of his own.

    Likely he slid back again, and feels great shame. Or maybe he is tired of the co-dependance, and wants to have a fresh start. My guess is he is full of shame. And I am sorry for him, too. But I tell you both – take care of yourself, each and alone; get healthy so you can have a healthy relationship.

    The love of my life was a sex addict. He put me at risk for SDS. He put me in so much danger, and he has never come to turns with it. He uses porn and hires hookers, and does scary things. I never knew about so much of it, and now that he is gone, I hope I survive his addictions.

    I went through so many emotions too – like I was always there for him, he owed me explanations (like why would he want to F*CK some scank when he had me who loved him, wasn’t he really looking for connection through his addictions, did he want to put himself and the ones he “loved” at risk, etc, etc, etc.)
    I only tell you this because life with an addict sucks. Is that really the life you want for yourself? Think about it. When times get tough your partner wigs out. When you want to buy a house, or have kids or the rent is due, or he loses a job or whatever, it is an excuse to drink. The pieces fall apart and you start over, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT.
    I still love my love, but I don’t miss the drama and the chaos. And I, like you, need to spend some time taking care of myself, so that I can get healthy to find a healthy relationship. I often wonder, why did this man come to me? What was the lesson in it? I don’t know, but it is not a lesson I want to repeat. Kelly – good luck as you move forward. Build your own self-esteem; work as hard on you as you did on him and his problems, and your relationship. Figure out what you need to be healthy and REALIZE you deserve a good love, someone who carries you from time to time, someone who wants to be with you, someone who doesn’t run home to mom when the times get tight, a man, and not a broken boy. And I hope your old boyfriend gets it together. I hope him healthy and happiness. Love shouldn’t hurt.

  • Sam

    Distant drumming, that was a totally excellent post. You have a great attitude. Good luck. Sam

  • Distant Drumming

    Thanks, Sam. It has taken me 12 months, and some days it is hard. He texted me last week to tell me he is moving back across country and will be back. But I have resolved to not see him; in fact, I quit drinking, myself. I have my own problems and when I drink, I make stupid decisions. I don’t hate him, and every day the intensity fades a little. Wish me luck to keep my good attitude and to stay away from this guy. (I loved him for 8 years, and just this year, realized it was never going to change, he was never going to change.) Sometimes I feel really stupid like I wasted so much good time. But again, I am just trying to learn why this? what was it all for? And what is next? The next guy, when I am ready, which will be a while, needs to be so much more than this last guy ever was.

    Peace and Love, DD

  • Mandi

    I have to say this blog has helped me as I was reading. It tears my heart apart to read all these stories but makes me strong that I will too get over it..eventually…time is a big healer.

    I am going through a break-up, my boyfriend just changed dramatically. His behavior and attitude changed towards me, which I am unable to understand. I am just confuse where do I draw the line and tell him that it’s over. I am not strong enough to leave him. He is my best friend, so I have fear of losing both, my best friend and my bf. It is so hard. :(

  • http://www.saraost.com Sara

    I understand that one, Mandi. I wish you all the best – take heart. :)

    Everything comes full circle, I’m learning.

  • Rhonda

    Hi all, I’ve been reading over all from this page…last night I had a recent break up, I’ve been seeing this person, since dec 2005. Like all relationships, it all started out very good, but as time went on, I realized who I have fallen in love with. I was warned, but didn’t want to believe it, I’m the type of person who likes to find out what a person is like all on my own.His drinking finally started showing more and more,the REAL him finally came out..but I still put up with it, after all I was married once for 13 years to a druggie & alcoholic, I could handle this relationship, riiiiiiiight? How wrong I was , yet once again, but I still hung in there, thinking I could help him. I guess I feel I failed my marriage, and wasn’t going to let another person down. I listened to all his promises,believed them some times too. Well about a year into our relationship, he cheated on me, did I leave then, when I should have?, no I didn’t.I gave him yet another chance. I once again believed he would change.Guess I was hoping more than anything. As far as I know he has been faithful since, but he has a much bigger problem, and that is he is an alcoholic. The longest he went without a drink was lately, and that was for a month and a half. I believe he only did that so when he went to court for his 2nd dwi, that things would look good for him.I have found over the past couple years, I’ve been pulled back into the same situation as I was with my ex husband, the only difference is, this one hasn’t hurt me physically. He knows how serious I’ve been the past couple of months about his drinking, and he claimed to do something about, cause he didnt want to lose me, he loved me more than anything in the world *rolls eyes*…how could I be so stupid to believe such a thing?, I should of known better.I just can’t believe it’s over, even though deep down inside of me, I know its the right thing. But he still contacts me, via here the internet, and the phone. Asking if it will still be okay to contact me when he gets his life in order. Well I was the one to say to him, “contact me someday when you get your life in order” …I was so anger last night when I told him I had enough of his drinking,but today for some weird reason, I wish I hadn’t of said anything, and just let him sleep it off. We were suppose to spend the weekend together, but look where I am, all because I didn’t want to be him when he was drunk. Like I said, I know deep down this is the right thing , and to be strong and not give into him, and his stories(lies). I just hope I can be strong and not answer his calls, or his texting.I know I’ve been jumping from one thing to another in here, but hopefully someone will make sense of this, lol….I know others are going through worse then I am, and I wish them all well, and good luck

  • Ovidiu

    I’m 32 years old, and I never found love until now. She is perfect, it is everything I wanted, and I’m sure that I will never find someone like her again. She broke up with me few days ago, and now I have the feeling that the life is pointless. How can the pain go away knowing that I met my true love and lost it? I will always remember her, compare every girl with her, probably I will be alone for the rest of my life. I wish I wouldn’t known the happiness… :(((

  • gem

    sooooooooooo over it try soyouvebeendumped.com,three weeks it took me and the pain is a lot easier.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Hey Ya’ll,
    Well I slipped and let him back in for a little while and it was a huge mistake because it only took him a few weeks to be back to the same old thing and he parted ways with me again last night. I don’t feel like I’m gonna die this time tho, I have too much other stuff in my life to focus on, but it still hurts. I gave him my all, and his all wasn’t enough, and he said he’s tired of feeling guilty about not being able to be more for me, so he would rather be without me. I actually understand what he means, I don’t want to ever be a cause of guilt for anyone, and I know now that I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. Starting back to school here pretty soon, and I know I will be okay this time. I want to scream and cry and sit here and say that I’ll never give myself whole-heartedly to anyone ever again, but the truth is, I still want to find that right person, and have that true love. I don’t WANT to give up yet, especially because I allowed this one person to hurt me, he didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t allow him to get away with. I could beat myself up all day long about it, but I know that’s pointless and I don’t feel like throwing a pity party for myself. I just want to get on with it. What does that mean? Maybe, just maybe, he isn’t the be-all and end-all of my existence. You know, the sun came up this morning even though he’s gone AGAIN. I don’t feel stupid, or used, or like I wasted my time this time. I told myself that this would be his LAST chance, and if he blew it, that was just proof that it wasn’t meant to be…..so, here I am. I’M STILL BREATHING! I’m still standing. I’m still alive. I am finally convinced that he is NOT the one. Maybe that’s why I’m not so devastated this time. I’m so sad, but I’m not DEAD. I have a lot of living to do still, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this destroy me. SOMEBODY GIVE ME A HUG.

  • Sam

    I’ll give you a hug. You have made a huge step by sorting this out in your head. Good for you.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Thanks Sam. I’m trying. I’m just so TIRED of feeling like an injured animal. I am realizing that life is just too short to waste it on people that aren’t capable of loving me back. Sometimes I just feel so lonely, but I don’t want it to turn into “desperate”, you know? I deserve so much more than I have settled for. I just need some time to grieve over him for the LAST time and get on with it. It just seems to me that God is trying to tell me something since He keeps removing this man from my life. It makes me sick to think that I have become one of those women that holds on for dear life to a very bad thing because she can’t do any better, but that’s exactly what has happened. I miss him terribly, but I also feel so much anger right now that it’s keeping me in bitch mode, which is a good thing, she is the part of me that keeps me strong. This too shall pass……. I just want to re-learn how to live by myself without a relationship for awhile so that I can work on ME. Jose, do you have any suggestions on the best ways to do that? You always have good advice, tell me what you think?! TRUE LOVE AND PEACE to all on this blog.

  • Louise

    It feels like i’m dying. I miss him. I want him back. I just don’t get why he ended it.
    I guess i’m not pretty enough… or thin enough.
    I’m sick of this broken heart, sick of the tears and pain, and i’m sick of the stupid love songs i keep listening to on my i-Pod. I thought I was ok but i can’t keep pretending!

  • 30months

    This post has helped me today. I know the pain and heartache will end. I just am not feeling like I will find “the one” who can deal w/me and me w/them, I want to get married and have children one day, and I just don’t know how long that’s going to take.

  • 30months

    This post has helped me today. I know the pain and heartache will end. I just am not feeling like I will find “the one” who can deal w/me and me w/them, I want to get married and have children one day, and I just don’t know how long that’s going to take.
    I keep thinking about what is wrong with me that he doesn’t think I’m good enough or just enough for him.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Dear 30months,
    I know how you feel. I am 40 and have two kids and there are not many men who will deal with a package deal woman. I feel like I won’t ever find the right one, I have tried and tried and tried, and it always ends the same….it ENDS. I am so tired of being alone, but I am trying to take steps to learn how to do just that because I don’t know how long I can keep up hope, I feel like giving up. I don’t want to be married again, which is the other problem, I only want a BOYFRIEND, I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle co-habitating with someone. I am getting stronger every day since the breakup, I don’t think about him near as much as I did, and when I do think of him, I focus on the bad things so that I can get over him; but, I am still very lonely and keep wishing for someone, anyone! But being on the rebound is no good, and I know that if I allow myself to be with anyone right now, it will just END again. HOPE is a stupid thing sometimes, and I don’t think I have any left. Don’t get jaded like me, good luck to you, hope you find what you are looking for, and soon!
    HUGS to you.

  • http://brokenheart sonny

    HEY LOUISE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I WAS, SHE SAY`S WE ARE STILL TOGETHER AND SHE SAY`S SHE LOVE`S ME……..I`VE RETRACED EVERYTHING WE EVER DID, I`M VERY ROMANTIC, I MEAN 3-4 HOUR`S SOMETIME MAKING LOVE, THERE WAS NO PART OF HER BODY I DID`NT WELL YOU KNOW..ORAL ORAL…WE WENT ON A CRUISE AND HAD A BALL…….WE WE`RE ALWAY`S TOGETHER, HER DAUGHTER LEFT TOWN AND THEN SHE RETURNED, MY G/F SAID SHE HAD TO SPEND ALL HER TIME WITH HER DAUGHER SO SHE WOULD`NT LEAVE AGAIN………I OFFERED HER AND HER DAUGHTER TO LIVE WITH ME, BUT SHE PUT ME OFF……….I DON`T SEE HER EXCEPT MAYBE ONCE EVERY 10 DAY`S…..WE MET AT A SINGLES DANCE………WHEN I CALL HER CELL PHONE ON WEEKEND`S I GET HER V-MAIL…..SHE SAY`S THERE IS NOBODY ELSE IN HER LIFE, BUT IT SURE SEEM`S OTHERWISE, SHE WANT`S TO GO TO DINNER WITH ME BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT BE SEEING ANOTHER GUY, SHE SAY`S NO I JUST HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER, I`TS LIKE SOMEONE RIPPED MY HEART OUT, I DON`T THINK I CAN GO ON SEEING HER B/C EVERYTIME I SEE HER I`TS LIKE OPENING THE WOUND ALL OVER AGAIN. I DON`T KNOW WHY SHE WOULD KEEP TELLING ME SHE LOVE`S ME IF SHE WAS SEEING ANOTHER DUDE…..TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK……….YOU CAN E-MAIL ME IF YOU WANT….SONNY_PIANO@YAHOO.COM

  • Shelly

    Hi Everyone…its been 3 months…I posted my original story back in February. I since have lost 45 lbs. I feel great and look good!! I have been feeling ok and having little thoughts of him until yesterday when my curiousity got the best of me and I checked myspace and found out that the girl that I suspected him of cheating with he has been in a relationship with since the we broke up 3 months ago….I know I am a glutten for punishment. I decided to come here and vent. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stepped on all over again. I could not sleep last night and thoughts of how and why have been going through my head all day. How could he move on so quickly? How could he take what we had and move on and be with someone else….I am so confused. The day before our official breakup he told me he loved me…no I find out he must love her if they have been together for 3 months now….can someone help me here??? I feel sooo lost and confused. I still can’t move on…to think of being with someone else right now is not even a thought in my mind. I know I will never be with him again but I can’t see myself in a relationship with someone else right now especially when I still love him. I feel like screaming..getting mad and crying all at the same time…How could he do this to me all over again!!! All I want is to be happy in life!!! Is that too much to ask????
    I know I am rambling..but I had to vent some where and if were to tell my friends and family about checking up on him they would be mad at me because I have been doing so good.
    Please help someone!!!!

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Oh SHELLY!
    I am so sorry girlfriend! I was wondering how you were doing. That has got to really really hurt. It sucks to feel that way, after all the hard work you have done to move forward. By the way, so proud of your 45 pounds, that’s amazing, and so are you! Don’t be mad at yourself for getting curious, but understand that your curiousity is what put you in this funk, if you had left it alone, then you wouldn’t have anything to be upset about. I know this is going to sound like an empty platitude, but you have to remind yourself of THIS: if he was cheating, he wasn’t worthy of you, if he was cheating, his love was FAKE. That puts him in the big fat loser category as far as I am concerned, and why cry over a loser? So you gave your trust and he betrayed it, it’s true, and it SUCKS. But you didn’t do anything wrong by putting your heart out there. He’s the one that screwed up by not seeing the value of your worth. SOMEONE WILL, someday! Hang in there honey, I am hugging you right now. You know, you are not the only glutten for punishment, I got back with mine briefly only for the same BS to happen AGAIN. I made the decision not to beat myself up for it, and I made the decision to see him for what he really is, which is someone that was NOT MEANT FOR ME. Understand? We are both going to be okay Shelly, shake it off!! Breathe, and put the focus where it belongs, back on YOU. You’ve come too far to ALLOW him to drag you down again. Tell the evil troll to go back to his bridge…he has NO POWER over you. LOL! Love ya!

  • Shelly

    Thanks He’s Gone!! You always have encouraging words…I know I will get over this little set back and be able to move forward from this just as I have been doing. I have been doing what I need to for myself and that I will never stop. I have changed my eating and excersising habits for myself and no one else. I thank you for always responding to my venting. I appreciate your words!!!

  • mike

    Well i feel so empty and lonely its unreal i just cry and im a guy too .. i never felt liek this b4 i honestly dont know how i will get over her. I was better off alone love hurts and i dont have the stomach for it back of my mind i knew it was going to happen one day im just a weak person… i hope god will help me through this time please

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Hi Mike.

    First of all, get rid of the concept you have that crying for guys is a bad (or a ‘weak’) thing, you cry or you feel down you will be reinforcing the fact that you are ‘weak’, which is a concept that you have made up yourself.

    Secondly, I know you feel bad, but hey, we ALL feel bad when this happens to us too – it’s normal!

    Let me pick up on one thing that your short message conveys. You say:

    “back of my mind i knew it was going to happen one day”

    and

    “im just a weak person”

    Mike. In marketing they say that the outcome of a meeting is set before the meeting starts. It’s down to the attitude of the people going into the meeting. This applies to everything in life. If you’re going out with your friends, and you dread having a terrible night, how on earth are you going to have a good time? You’re not.

    A chain is as strong as its weakest link. Mike, let me ask you a question: how long do you think a relationship can last if the attitude is that of ‘oh, this ain’t going to last’.

    Get rid of any nonsense idea is that you have about yourself, because you are what you THINK you are, and if you think you’re ‘weak’ (as you put it) then this is going to stick with you for the whole of your life, and I’m sure you don’t want that… do you?

    Take a look at yourself and where you are now, and decide who you want to be and where you want to be, then make a plan to get there. Then do it. Don’t sell yourself short with excuses – there are NO excuses at the end of the day. We’re all in this (life) together, trying to find our way just as blindly as each other. None of us know what by head, or around the corner. But that’s no reason to slow down and become fearful. Pick up the pace and start moving again.

    You’re not weak – you’re just human.

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Pretty weird spelling here and there in that last post.

    I’m trying out a microphone (text to speech). Obviously me and the mic aren’t compatible.

    It’s over ;)

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ he’s gone

    Hey Shelly,
    Hope you are feeling better today. I just wanted you to know that you inspired me to lose my weight, it has been my #1 issue ALL MY LIFE, and for the first time, I am finally learning how to live without a “love-interest” (which was always something that I have used in the past to keep me distracted from taking care of my issues…). I got my hands on this amazing dance, cardio, and aerobic kind of workout and it’s so much fun that it’s not even like working out, and even my teenager is doing it too! I made the decision to go back to school since the last time you and I spoke months ago. So, one step at a time, I am getting myself together FOR ME and my sons. Not just thinking about it, not just TRYING, but actually DOING. I feel so much better since I began to make decisions based on what kind of future I want, and not based on how scary I think the future is and wanting to procrastinate myself to death. For the first time, I view his last break up as him doing me the biggest favor of my life, in my attempt to make myself busy in order to forget him, I found something more important, the will to live by myself and for myself. I want you to know that YOU had something to do with that! When I have read your entries here, I realized you are a woman who is hurt, but doing something about it, not just sitting around crying and dying. It made me think of that movie “Shawshank Redemption” where Andy told Red that he had two choices, GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING……that’s damn right. I bet you didn’t know that searching for help here would actually help someone else in the process, so thanks FRIEND! Meeting you in this blog has blessed me. HUGS!

  • Shelly

    Hi He’s Gone!!

    Thank you!!!!! I do feel a little bit better today and I know I will one day completely get him and the situation out of my head. I have been praying to forgive him and her for that mater but there is still some part of me that does not want to let it go…I am going to keep praying!!!
    I really feel good knowing that I could help to inspire someone else. Good luck on the weight loss!! It has not been easy but I put my mind to it and am doing it!!! Good for you also for going back to school…that is my next goal. I have 3 kids also that I live my life for and look out for..(they were not his). I am blessed to have had made new friends to help me through this…please keep in touch with me…you can always email me at shellbrad32@hotmail.com and I have a myspace page if you do too then we can exchange that information via e-mail.
    Looking forward to hearing from you.

  • http://howtogetoverabrokenheart sonny

    WELL LOUISE, SHELLY, SARA, JOSE, WHERE DID I GO WRONG, IT`S ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN………MY G/F AND ME WENT ON A CRUISE AND HAD FUN, WE GO TO THE CASINO AND SIT AT THE BAR AND DRINK WINE AND SALTY DOG`S……….SHE WILL DISSAPPEAR FROM 15 HOUR`S TO 2 DAY`S SOMETIME WITHOUT TELLING ME ANYTHING, AND I GET WORRIED THAT SOMETHING MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO HER……….SHE WON`T ANSWER HER CELL OR RETURN MY CALL, SO I DON`T REALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON……WE`VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 14 MONTH`S……….I`M ALWAY`S AVAILABLE FOR HER……….I GIVE HER BACK MASSAGES, RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH HER HAIR, TICKLE HER ALL OVER, SHE LOVE`S ALL THIS………IN THE HOT TUB I WASH AND CONDITION HER HAIR, AND SOMETIME I DRY IT FOR HER………I`M 6FT2 210 LBS. I WORK OUT, I`M NOT A BAD LOOKING GUY, LOT`S OF PEOPLE SAY I LOOK ALOT LIKE TOM SELLECK, FOR WHATEVER THAT`S WORTH………I DO EVERYTHING YOU COULD IMAGINE FOR HER……SHE SAY`S OUR SEX IS THE BEST SHE EVER HAD……..SHE DRIVE`S ME CRAZY, SOMETIME WE GO AT IT FOR 3 HOURS OR MORE, BUT SHE SAY`S SHE LIKE`S IT……..BUT IT`S NOT JUST SEX, I LOVE TO GO GIRLY SHOPPING WITH HER, I LIKE TO WATCH HER PICK UP EVERY PAIR OF SHOES IN THE BUILDING……SHES A LITTLE BLONDE 5 FT. 3 120 LBS…..I CALL HER MY LITTLE THONG BABY, SHE MUST HAVE A HUNDRED PAIR, EVERY COLOR YOU CAN NAME……..I ALL BUT PUT HER IN THE TUB, WASH HER BACK, HAIR, MASSAGES, I CAN`T THINK OF ANYTHING I`VE MISSED, I TELL HER ALL THE TIME I LOVE HER……I WAS JUST BORN TO LOVE HER, IN EVERYWAY POSSIBLE……..SEEM`S LIKE WOMEN DON`T WON`T A GUY LIKE ME, THEY WANT ONE WHO IS BAD TO THEM. I JUST DON`T GET IT. I KNOW SHE KNOW`S SHE CAN GET JUST ABOUT ANYONE SHE WONT`S…………PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I WENT WRONG………SHE IS STAYING WITH A G/F FOR NOW B/C SHE SOLD HER HOME AND IS IN THE PROCESS OF BUYING ANOTHER ONE, SHE COME`S TO MY HOUSE ANYTIME SHE WANT`S, UNANOUNCED, BUT I DID`NT MIND B/C I WAS`NT DOING ANYTHING WRONG……I CAN`T PICK HER UP AT HER G/F HOUSE B/C SHE SAID SHE WOULD`NT FEEL RIGHT BECAUSE IT`S NOT HER PLACE…..I CAN`T BRING MYSELF TO THINK SHE IS TWO TIMMING ME, BUT I DON`T KNOW WHY SHE DON`T ANSWER HER CELL WHEN I CALL, I WOULD BREAK MY NECK TO GET THE PHONE TO TAKE HER CALL…….I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE TO SAVE HER IF THE SITUATION CALLED FOR IT………I FEEL LIKE I`M DIEING ALITTLE EVERY DAY, I DON`T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE, AND THEN SOMETIME SHE WILL CALL LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. WHAT DO YALL THINK?

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Hi Sonny,

    It’s great (for her, mainly) that you dote over her like this… but I hope you haven’t told her the things you just told us in the way you just told us… have you? (that could be your answer)

    For most people, when you completely open yourself like this to them (unless you’re in a life-long commitment, and even then there are lines to tread…) you cease to become a challenge almost immediately. When she has complete ownership of your heart, she no longer has a partner she has a slave.

    This is NOT attractive.

    It’s also the reason why many people start to look elsewhere for somebody they don’t ‘own’, somebody who represents a challenge that they have to overcome – somebody they can’t quite READ so well… which is intriguing.

    This is neither a good nor a bad thing. It’s just human nature. In a perfect world, she would realize she has everything she needs (if that’s how you want to put it) and all would be well and done.

    Let that be your clue. She may not have everything she ‘NEEDS’.

    Sonny, I think you need to change your strategy
    and maybe have a re-think. The fact is that you’re taking 2nd class behavior from somebody, and that is unacceptable. There are countless women (prob in the millions) who would love the kind of attention that you’re prepared to give. This doesn’t seem like one of them.

    I don’t need to remind you that relationships are a 2 way thing. Your input is not been matched, so start changing that input.

    There are many unknowns, and of course I can’t guess why she’s not answering your calls and disappearing on you without a word. Perhaps she is scared of her own feelings for you; perhaps she has other issues that she has to deal with; perhaps she feels suffocated by being with you for too long at a time; perhaps she is cheating, as you say.. perhaps perhaps perhaps.

    It’s pointless trying to guess the what. However, if she was having issues of any sort, not answering your calls (even 1) and pretending that she didn’t go awol all the time is 2nd class behavior. She obviously doesn’t respect you enough to let you know her movements – and would rather have you suffer…

    Could it be because she knows that you’ll always be there no matter what?

    Sonny, if you don’t confront her about this behavior, then you’re ALSO pretending that nothing is ‘odd’.

    Here’s a little experiment. Fast forward in time right now, in your mind, 10 years. Imagine you’re happily married to somebody else. This can happen and we’re all realistic enough to know this. Ok, now think about this time… about now… You could be out with your friends, or working on that million dollar project, or strolling in the park, feeling great… instead of worried sick
    about somebody who doesn’t seem to have the courtesy to answer your call and let you know where and how she is. After all, you ARE in a relationship with this person!

    If this goes on for 10 months, that’s 10 months you’ve wasted worrying instead of feeling great.

    It sounds like you’re health conscious too, and you look after yourself. Think of this: worry releases cortisol, a muscle-inhibiting STRESS hormone, which in turn causes all sorts of BAD chemical reactions to be released into your bloodstream.. all of which affect your health, from performance to longevity.

    Somebody is making you worry, and this is costing you your life. Literally. Put a stop to it now. Confront them. Ask WHY.

    Do whatever you need to do to stop the worry – and if this means walking away, then… you have a decision to make.

    Remember that her reasons may not be ‘bad’ reasons. But if you ask her why and she opens up, wouldn’t that make you FEEL better, instead of anxious?

    A confrontation may be make or break, but the current situation is not good for you, so you either put up with this, or you assert yourself.

    A dating advisor would say: start becoming less available, don’t ring her, be out with your friends or busy…

    This all translates into the same thing: don’t be there ALL THE TIME for her, so she can’t take you for granted.

    This is all good, but its a little like playing games. It’s OK in the courting stages – but you 2 are an item… so I’d say – step back from the situation for a moment and be YOU (not her personal slave) and be firm. And confront her – hear what she has to say. Don’t be forceful or angry… just cool and calm. But let her know that this is unacceptable behavior and that you’re not prepared to take this from anybody.

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://HOWTOGETOVERABROKENHEART SONNY

    WELL I MUST ADMITT, SOUND`S LIKE GOOD ADVICE………..IN THE FUTURE I WON`T BE SO READILY AVAILABLE……….I`L LET HER COME TO ME, SEE HOW SHE REACT`S WHEN SHE CAN`T REACH ME……….THEN IF SHE DON`T COME THROUGH, THEN I NEVER HAD ANYTHING WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE…………THE OLD SAYING GOES……..IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE, AND IF IT COME`S BACK TO YOU THEN IT`S YOUR`S, AND IF IT DON`T, IT NEVER WAS…………..THANK`S GANG, GOOD LUCK…….

  • http://howtogetoverabrokenheart sonny

    WAS REAL GOOD ADVICE JOSE. THANK`S PAL………..LOUISE YOU SAID YOUR WEIGHT HAD GONE BACK UP………..WELL THAT`S WHY I BECAME A VEGETARIAN, I USED TO EAT BRYERS ICE CREAM AND EVERYTHING ELSE, PASTRY,CANDY ECT. I NOW EAT VEGETABLES, DRINK TEA, WHITCH IS A REAL GOOD ANTIOXIDANT TO CLEAN UP YOUR SYSTEM……..I WILL EAT BAKED SALMON, SALMON HAS THE THREE OMEGA OIL`S THAT YOU NEED, WELL SINCE I EAT SALMON I`M NOT A VEGAN, A VEGAN IS A PERSON WHO EAT`S NOTHING OF ANIMAL ORIGIN…………LOT`S OF VEGETABLE`S AND EVEN BAKED CHICKEN BREAST IF YOU LIKE, AND ONCE YOUR METABOLISM RESETS YOU WILL WATCH THE WEIGHT FALL OFF………..WATCH OUT FOR HYDROGENATED FAT`S, IT`S IN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU EAT………STAY AWAY FROM PIZZA IF YOU CAN, IF YOU CAN`T, THEN LIMIT IT BIG TIME, JUST AN OCCASIONAL TREAT…………..WATCH THE SUGAR FILLED SODA POP`S, I SAW A STUDY THAT SHOW`S DIET DRINK`S ACTUALLY MAKE YOU GAIN WEIGHT…INTERESTING UM. BUT IF YOU CAN EAT LIKE THAT, YOU WILL SEE THE POUND`S GO………SOME PEOPLE CAN`T GIVE UP THE BIG GREASY STEAK OR HAMBURGER, OR BAKED POTATO RUNNING OVEWR WITH BUTTER, AND I UNDERSTAND, IF YOU CAN`T GIVE IT UP, THEN YOU JUST CAN`T GIVE IT UP………ALSO TUNA SAND. ARE GOOD FOR WEIGHT CONTROL……..IF YOU CAN EAT LIKE THIS, THEN YOU CAN SAY HOW MUCH YOU WILL WEIGH………THERE ARE ALL KIND`S OF TRICK`S FOR PERMANATE WEIGHT LOSS. REMEMBER IF IT`S PROCESSED FOOD, IT`S BAD FOR YOU. LIKE POTATOES, THE ONE`S YOU FIX AT HOME WITH THE PEEL STILL ON, THOSE ARE THE REAL DEAL, MC DONALD`S, THOSE ARE`NT POTATOE`S……JUST SORTA PAY ATTENTION TO LABEL`S AND IN NO TIME YOU WILL MASTER IT……GOOD LUCK SWEETHEART……….

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Hey Sonny, you’re welcome ;)

    Awesome advice about how to eat to stay fit and live longer :) I second everything you said!

    If I may add a thing or to:

    Add celery to your meals (e.g. tuna salad, chicken salad… make celery a part of your salad). Celery is a negative food – it takes your body MORE calories to burn the stuff than it gets from it – so you’re actually loosing weight everytime you eat celery :)

    Eat small, frequent meals (some people call it ‘grazing’) and make sure there is a protein with each meal (a piece of lean meat, egg whites, fish, cottage cheese…)

    As Sonny says – get your fats from good sources like fish and nuts.

    A great snack between meals if you get hungry is peanut butter and an apple. Thea peanut butter has good fats that will give you that ‘full’ feeling, and protein. The apple has simple carbs (it’s a complete meal).

    And like Sonny says – tea (green) is just great. 1.6 billion Chinese can’t be wrong, can they? :D

    Good luck ;)

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://howtogetoverabrokenheart sonny

    YEP, YOU`RE RIGHT JOSE, EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL I`VE READ SAY`S TO ALWAY`S INCLUDE CELERY, JOURNALS SAY JUST A SMALL STICK OF CELERY OR DICED IN YOUR TUNA DOES WONDER`S FOR THE BODY………….I READ RECENTLY THAT KEGEL`S (ONCE THOUGHT TO BE JUST FOR WOMEN) EXERCISE HELPS MEN ALSO, BETTER PROSTATE HEALTH AND BETTER SEX, ONE GUY SWEAR`S, HE SAID FOR GUY

  • http://howtogetoverabrokenheart sonny

    YEP YOU`RE RIGHT JOSE,EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL I`VE READ SAY`S TO ALWAY`S INCLUDE CELLERY TO YOUR MEALS……….I READ RECENTLY THAT KEGEL EXERCISE ( ONCE THOUGHT JUST FOR WOMEN ) ALSO IS GOOD FOR MEN…….ONE GUY SWEAR`S, HE SAY`S FOR GUY`S WHO HAVE ED, GIVE KEGEL`S A TRY FOR ABOUT 3 MONTH`S BEFORE YOU BUY VIAGRA, I WORKED UP TO FIFTY IN THE MORNING AND FIFTY IN THE EVENING…..I DON`T EVER WON`T TO HAVE A PROBLEM SO THAT`S WHY I DO THEM……….IT ALSO HELPS OLDER GENTS WITH BENIGN PROSTATE, SO THEY DON`T GET UP ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT TO URINATE……I ALSO READ IN A JOURNAL SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN TAKE THAT IS 100% NATURAL, IT`S NATURAL VIAGRA, BUT YOUR DOCTOR WON`T TELL YOU ABOUT IT….ANITA CAME OVER AND WE HAD THE TIME OF OUR LIFE, SHE CAME TO ME THOUGH……..SHE SAY`S THE SEX IS OUT OF THIS WORLD FOR ONE THING, AND SHE DOES`NT SEE US EVER BEING ABLE TO STAY APART, BUT WE DO OTHER THING`S TOGETHER ALSO, SHE IS DROP DEAD BEAUTIFUL SO I`M GLAD SHE FEEL`S THAT WAY……..SHE SAY`S SHE KNOW`S THAT WE WILL BE MARRIED SOME DAY, WELL WE WILL SEE…….GOTA RUN JOSE, JUST HAD A CALL COME IN……TAKE CARE…….

  • Louise

    Sonny!
    You seem like a great guy.
    Any girl would be lucky to have you but maybe she might be dealing with something she doesn’t want people to know just yet.
    An ex of mine was acting weird around me but then he told me about it and it was ok.
    Thanks about the advise about my weight.
    But now my weight is ok, normal now :)

  • dainty

    thank you for writing that. it definitely made me a happier person. And I do fucking rock.

  • Daryn

    It sounds like you are the same type of guy as I am Sonny. I though am twenty years down the line of the ‘total devotion’ path. When I was nineteen I had alot of problems with my family and spent a year hardly coming out of my room. I did however that year meet an older woman who I went out with. She saved my life. She was my first ‘proper’ girlfriend and the first woman I slept with. She was thirty nine but she was very healthy and exercised alot and we looked great as a couple. I thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together.

    It only lasted two years then we split up. Before tha actual split the more we’d drifted apart the more clingy I became and the more she started to treat me (in my opinion) In a really cold heartless way. I was in such pain and I got no sympathy whatsoever. I don;t know how someone who said they loved me could be so cold.

    I’m now nearly the age she was when she met me. We have been in touch off and on for nearly two decades. I have had other girlfriends and she has had other boyfriends but at the end of the day it is always her that deep down I know I love.

    We met up about eight weeks ago, that was the first time we’d seen each other in seven years. We’d been in touch through the email though, emailing about once every month or so.

    We were getting on ok, though all my old feelings came flooding back when we met and I could see that this was annoying her. I tried to hide it and pretend and play the ‘just friends’ game but it was killing me. We met about three or four times for coffee and went shopping. About five weeks ago I couldn’t take it any more and sent her an email telling her how I felt and that I had been in tears when we parted because it was so difficult for me to go through this again. I know that sounds pretty bad for a guy hitting forty now but well,that’s how I feel and I guess, in my naivety I thought she’d appreciate my honesty.

    She replied the next day with a very short email saying that she didn’t want to see me again and I have never heard from her since. Its been nearly two months now and I have sent a couple of emails without reply. I kept my emails short and tried to not be too clingy in them but got nothing back.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel so so bad and have felt so utterly broken-hearted for so long. We chatted and talked and laughed but when it came to real friendship and caring I got nothing. I have tried to be as distant as possible when I saw her and tried not to put any pressure. Don’t get me wrong, I know by the sound of this it seems I spend my life groveling but its not like that, at least I think its not like that, to be honest I am not sure what it looks like now.

    She has never given me any leeway or compassion. There were a few times that she needed someone to help her and someone to talk too and I was always there. I feel so angry at her sometimes then angry at myself for harassing her then back to thinking that it is she who is just a heartless monster.

    You know all I needed was some reassurance to build me back up. Its not as though I would have been there forever like a weak jellyfish, I would and still want to be strong for her and be the man that would be a tower of strength for her, even just as friends, but she just won’t give me what I need to heal and it has been so difficult to try by myself.

    I agree with you Jose when you say that people tend to look for a challenge in a relationship, ie somone that perhaps might leave them or doesn’t really need them 100%.
    But part of me thinks that if you love someone ..tell them! It just hurts so much when they stop saying they love you back. the pitfall is to keep telling them and turning to them to heal your pain when they don’t reply.

    I don’t know what to do. Maybe its good that I’ll never see her again, ever. It doesn’t feel good though. You know, if it was me in her position I’d build the person up and take care of the heart they gave me just to make them strong enough to stand up again. Even if we’re not sexual partners we can still be friends, real friemds who care for eachother. I would never treat any of my friends the way she treats me never mind someone who loved me so much. On the other hand she probably sees me as selfish and self-centered, but when someone is wounded they concentrate on healing that wound, be it physical or emotional. ‘Pulling your socks up’ is fine for the small stuff – if you graze your arm or get a small cut its ok to just bare it – it will still heal, but if you try to walk on a broken leg and pretend there isn’t a problem then you are not going to manage it and even worst store up a whole lot of pain for the future until, if you can, you manage to heal somehow.

    I don’t know what to do. My legs are broken and I feel I get no mercy. You know, I am a tough guy from a tough city, many people think of me a rock. But the pain is just always there. Its so difficult to shake off, I’m so tired of this in my mind now, all the time for so so long.

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Hi Daryn,

    Thanks and I agree that you should tell people you love them if / when you do. There are other non-verbal ways of letting them know which are very effective.

    Telling somebody you love them is not being clingy. HOW you tell somebody you love them is the make-or-break, in most instances.

    If you confess your helplessness (of course, you only feel this way – you’re not really helpless…) and admit to being in floods of tears (just picking that up from your post) then you’re NOT conveying what the other person [probably] wants to hear.

    Especially with male-to-female dynamics, even if we feel like our lives depend on the love of somebody else, we should prob not quite put it that way. Typically, in m-to-f relationships, the onus is on the male to lead. You can tell somebody you love them and still be confident and strong (centered, if you prefer). Conversely, if you tell them you can’t breathe without them
    you’re placing the emphasis away from love and onto DEPENDENCY. Telling somebody they (almost) own you completely is almost always the same as placing an inconvenience on somebody – a new responsibility – an added headache. This is not good.

    What she may have wanted to hear was that you love(d) her; what she may have wanted to feel was that you were her rock… not her child.

    Daryn, your legs aren’t broken (they just feel that way). Don’t look for mercy – find it in you. Look at what you wrote: “I am a tough guy from a tough city, many people think of me a rock”.

    You are what you think you are. Somebody who is assertive (an attractive quality) has the same issues, fears, insecurities as you. They just learned to think a little differently and keep their chin up.

    You can do it ;)

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • Daryn

    Thanks Jose. You’re a good guy. I think you’ve got alot of insight. If you were here I’d say to go out for a drink [non-alcoholic - I gave up that madness long ago] and a good chat!

    In fact after having read the posts on this site I think the world’d be a better place if everyone had a broken heart at some point! I can see there are alot of sensitive people who undervalue themselves here.

    Thanks again Jose. You should do this for a living !

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Hey thanks for the kind words :) (I’ll have a beer to your health next time I’m out if you do the same!)

    ==
    I think the world’d be a better place if everyone had a broken heart at some point
    ==

    We can only grow and improve when we have challenges to face.

    A wise man once said: wounds are knowledge.

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • Daryn

    I’ll certain raise a glass to your health next time I’m out. :)

  • Daryn

    Oops – typo !

    I’ll certainly raise a glass to your health next time I’m out.

    Thanks again :)

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose

    Drunk already?
    :p

    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://howtogetoverabrokenheart sonny

    WELL DARYN SOUND`S LIKE YOU LOVE THE GIRL VERY MUCH………..IN MY CASE I JUST COULD`NT FIGHT IT ANYMORE, SO I GOT MYSELF A 50 INCH PLASMA TV, MOUNTED IT IN THE WALL, AND NOW I JUST PLAY WITH MY NEW TOY ALOT, I FIGURED WHY CHASE HER, THEN SHE WOULD THINK I WAS IN NEED AND THEN SHE WOULD REALLY TEE OF ON ME…………SO I JUST IGNORED HER………..LAST NIGHT SHE CAME OVER AND WE HAD SOME GOOD WINE, SHE TRIED TO PLAY HARD TO GET, SO I SAID YOU HURT JUST LIKE ME AND YOUR NOT FOOLING ME ONE BITT, SHE SAID YOU HAVE VERY GOOD PERCEPTION, THE WE KISSED AND HAD ONE OF OUR 6 HOUR LOVE MARATHON, YEA YOU HEARD ME RIGHT 6 HOUR`S, THAT`S SORTA THE NORM FOR US………….THEN I SAID WELL I`M GLAD YOU CAME OVER , I KNOW YOUR TIRED AFTER THE MARATHON, I KNOW YOU WANT TO GO HOME, I SAID MAYBE ER CAN HOOK UP LATER, SHE FOLLED ME TO MY BED ROOM, WE WERE BOTH TIRED ENOUGH TO COLAPSE, WE WENT TO SLEEP IN EACH OTHER`S ARM`S, THEN WE WOKE THE NEXT MORNING REFRESHED, AND YOU GUSSED IT, IT`S ON AGAIN…….WE BOTH KNOW THAT NEITHER OF US CAN STAY AWAY FROM THE OTHER………WE ARE PRETTY SURE WE WILL GO OUT TOGETHER………..SO SOMETIME YOU JUST HAVE TO STAY AWAY AND NOT CALL, NO MATTER HOW BAD IT HURT`S, WOMEN DON`T WON`T SOMETHING EASY, SOMETIME THEY LIKE A CHALLENGE, DO WHAT I DID AND IGNORE HER FOR AWHILE, WOMEN HATE TO BE IGNORED I HAVE FOUND………..GOOD LUCK DARYN.

  • http://HOWTOGETOVERABROKENFEART SONNY

    I HAD A CALL COME IN DARYN AND HAD TO CUT IT SHORT, ANYWAY I MET ANITA AT A SINGLE`S, SHE IS A LITTLE BLONDE SOUTHERN BELLE, GRADUATED FROM OLE MISS…………WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 15 MONTH`S BUT IT SEEM`S MUCH LONGER….SHE WALKED BY ME A THE REFRESHMENT BAR AND I ALL BUT JUMPED IN FRONT OF HER TO MAKE HER NOTICE ME BUT SHE DID`NT……….I NOTICED SHE WAS TURNING ALOT OF GUY`S DOWN WHEN THEY WOULD GO TO HER TABLE AND ASK HER TO DANCE, SO I TOLD MY BUDDY THAT WENT TO THE DANCE WITH ME, I SAID WELLLLLLLLL I`M GONA GO ASK HER TO DANCE AND LET HER TURN ME DOWN TO, THEN I`M GOING HOME………I WENT TO HER TABLE AND I KNELT DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND I SAID WILL YOU PLEASE DANCE WITH ME, I SAW YOU EARLIER AND YOU MADE MY HEART SKIP A BEAT, SHE GAVE ME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND SAID YES………..WHEN I GOT HER ON THE DANCE FLOOR, I MADE SURE IT WAS A SLOW DANCE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS……I SAID TO HER, I HAVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING IN MY ARM`S EVER LIKE YOU…………..WELL WE`VE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE, WE HAVE HAD OUR SPATS BUT WE ALWAY`S END UP BACK TOGETHER………..I KNEW THE MINUTE I LAID EYE`S ON HER THAT I LOVED HER……….HER GIRLFRIEND SAID TO ME, YOU ARE CRAZY YOU CAN`T LOVE SOMEONE ON SIGHT……….I SAID WELL WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER FOR ALONG TIME YOU WILL HAVE TO EAT YOUR WORD`S WON`T YOU……SO I REMINDED HER G/F OF THAT……….I SAID AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A ONE LINER………I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY BEING, WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL, IF IT CAME DOWN TO IT I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE SO SHE COULD LIVE, NOW THAT`S LOVE, REAL LOVE, JUST MAKE HER SEE THAT YOU LOVE HER DARYN, AND THEN SHOW HER THAT YOU DO……….WHEN YOU HAVE DONE ALL THAT, THEN YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND PRAY THAT SHE WILL COME TO YOU AND YALL CAN BE A COUPLE………WHEN ANITA POUT`S, I GET HER FLOWER`S AND SOME NEW VICTORIA SECRET THONG`S, THEN I`M IN LIKE FLINT WITH HER AGAIN……..GOOD LUCK I HOPE YOU GET HER BACK AND HAVE ALL THE THING`S IN LIFE YOU WANT WITH HER……….

  • SouthAfrica

    the main reason im here is bcoz im also going through a broken heart. i just wanna take time to thank all of u guyz who took the time to share yo experiences u just saved me. as for randazel i think u an incredible guy and i pray that ull get and incredible lady. i spend hours going through each and every story posted here, i would also like to thank sarah for her wonderful motivations it works. all the the best

  • Daryn

    Thanks Sonny. I must say it sounds as though you are much more successful in bars than I
    was! I tried for years but found that the best place to meet people (ie girls!) was on courses and studenty things. Its great that you’ve gt a good loving relationship. Gotta just keep grounded now and not mess it up like me!
    Yes I was thinking too, to stay away for a while then see what happens.

    Its as you say Jose, if we become childlike with someone who not our parent we effectively become a dependent and therefor a responsibility. When people look for a partner they look for exactly that, an equal to share life with – not someone to be responsible for.

    Though I must say, I believe people are (or become) what you make of them. You can ‘make’ someone more confident by giving them the love they are missing (probably from their family) to build them up, though I guess you run the risk of them becoming just becoming more dependent, still if you try to explain all this it’d help.

    Yes SouthAfrica I read this forum too for ages and then came back and read it agin weeks later and posted on it. I hope you’re pain eases soon. It helps to know there are others out there who really understand what its like.

  • eee

    I haven’t been on this site for a long time. I can honestly say I am completely healed. How? Time and persistence. I never looked back, I just kept moving. I rode through 2 solid months of self healing. Never looked for a rebound, kept the pain to myself but wrote everything on paper. I see a lot of new comments here. I don’t have any advice but only to share with those who are in a new wound; I learned one thing from all this, nothing is forever, nothing is for sure, nothing will ever kill ya. There are so much more in life than just love and heart breaks. I found a part of me that was suppressed and devoured long time ago. I can swear to God, since I’ve been single…..it’s the greatest time of my life. Not only I mastered self love, security and confidence, I also made very good uses of my time and energy. So for those who are still stuck in confusion, take some time out, feel yourself!

  • paul

    Thanks guys so much i have just come back from a 7 month tour of iraq and i found out my ex has een sleeping with some one else but what hurts the most is all the empty promises things to look forward to just gone i am only just going through this i hope it doesnt get any worse before it gets better once again though thank you

  • http://howtogetoverabrokenheart sonny

    HEY DARYN AND GANG, I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE CLAIRIFIED MY SELF A LITTLE MORE DARYN, I DID`NT MEET ANITA AT A BAR, I WAS AT A SINGLE`S DANCE IN MEMPHIS TN, THE DANCE IS CALLED FINALLY FRIDAY`S, THE DANCE IS HELD ON SATURDAY NIGHT, IT WAS ORIGINALLY HELD ON FRIDAY NIGHT, HENCE THE NAME FRIDAY`S……….ANYWAY THERE IS NO SMOKING, NO ALCOHOL, NO DRUGG`S, IF YOU DO ANY OF THESE THING`S YOU HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE, BUT YOU CAN`T DO IT IN THE BUILDING, ITS WELL MONITORED……….YOU PAY TEN BUCK`S AT THE DOOR, AND THEY HAVE A BUFFET LIKE DINNER……….FRIED OR BAKED FISH.,SALAD AND SOFT DRINK`S, ECT……BUT I HAD BEEN TO ABOUT 6 OF THESE DANCES, IT WAS ANITA`S FIRST………I`M TELLING YOU JUST LOOKING AT HER MADE ME CRAZY……NEEDLESS TO SAY I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HER AND NEVER LOOK BACK, SHE`S 5FT3 115 LBS, SHE SAID WELL WHAT IF I SOMEDAY PUT ON WEIGHT, I SAID I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BEING, AND IF YOU DID GAIN WEIGHT I WOULD STILL FEEL THE WAY I DID THE BEAUTIFUL NIGHT YOU WALKED INTO MY LIFE………..WE`RE GONA GO ON ANOTHER CRUISE, SHE LOVE`S THEM, SHE HAS BEEN ON 13 TRIP`S……….PAUL IT SOUND`S LIKE YOU ARE A TUFF DUDE, MAN IT WOULD KILL ME SO BAD TO KNOW MY WIFE WAS WITH SOMEONE WHILE I WAS AWAY DEFENDING THE COUNTRY, MAN I PROMISE YOU WITH AN OATH, YOU ARE IN MY PRAYER`S FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, BEST OF THE BEST FOR YOU PAUL……..

  • Daryn

    Hi Sonny,
    That sounds like a great club. Alot better for your health than any club I know of thats for sure. I’m glad as well that you’ve found someone and have managed to stave of the ol’ heartbreak!

    Hi, Paul. Yeah that sounds like a tough one. Maybe she didn’t want to send you a “Dear John” letter when you were on tour so it’d boost your morale when you needed it.
    If she wants you back I (personally speaking) would take her back. Assuming she is genuinely regretful about it. Otherwise you just gotta hang in there buddy. Remember its she who has wronged you so its no reflection on you. You are not alone.

  • Anna

    Hi everyone,
    this was really helpful, but what I want to know is: how long will it last? It hurts so much, and the pain just won’t go away. And it is all my fault. I was in a bad relationship, and then I met this guy at work, and we fell in love. We had a secret relationship for 4 months, during which I left my ex. It was wonderful, it was everything I didn’t get in my past relationship – passion, intimacy…and then we started having fights and it all got increasingly difficult. I ended it because I was getting depressed and confused, and needed time to sort things out. He was over me within a couple of weeks. After a few weeks I went back to him to try and patch things up because I was much less confused and realized that I was so deeply in love with him, but he said it was too late for that, and that he was over me. That hurts so bad. I gave up so much for him and I really loved him. I feel like I have made a huge mistake for ending it, but I am also crushed because it took him such a short while to get over me. And the worst part is that we work at the same place. We tried to stay friends and that was ok for him, but it just made things worse for me. Now we just ignore each other at work, and that’s even worse. It has been 4 months since the breakup now, and it still feels unbelieveably painful. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want it to stop.

  • Daryn

    Hi Anna,
    Sorry to hear about
    I know people who go to the gym and get healthy to try to distract themselves and get away from the pain. I’m afraid I have to say I have had this pain for nearly twenty years, but it does get better. You learn to live with it and come to terms with it rather than get ‘cured’. Tho I have been very broken hearted before I met her and fully
    recovered, its just with her it seems to hang on.

    Your story is alot like mine. My ex doesn’t seem to give a monkeys about me even after being ‘just friends’ for a long time. Now because I sent an email asking to get back together where I got emotional and just let all my feelings out she don’t want any contact at all. Reading alot of the posts here can help and make you feel less alone.

    Don’t blame yourself for ending it. It would be easy for him to take you back. Its not your fault. If his commitment was not strong enough to survive this then I’m afraid I think it would probably have ended sooner or later. I hope you can find your own worth within yourself. He can’t see it. Sometimes these types never do. I and I’m sure anyone who reads your post, can see you are a caring sensitive and thoughtful person. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re doing your best thats clear to see, no one can ask any more of you. I hope your pain eases soon.

  • Sam

    Hi guys,

    Anna I also had a workplace relationship that didn’t work out, he wanted to stay friends but I refused and it was a good decision for me. I know realise that if he was going to be unreliable as a boyfriend he probably wouldn’t be a supportive friend either. I know there is no good reason for us to have broken up it is all about what is going on in his head and I can’t control that. I hope you can find a new way of thinking about this guy to start to heal. It isn’t easy and I do have a few tears every now and then but I am definitely getting better and you will too.

  • Anna

    Sam and Daryn,
    thank you so much for your support. It really helps a lot to hear you say that he could have taken me back and that the responsibility for everything was not just mine.
    But what I don’t understand is that he seemed so committed. He seemed so adamant that we would make it and that we were supposed to be together. We had such a great future planned (I know it sounds ridicoulus after only a couple of months in those circumstances). And I really really liked this guy too – it seems that I will never find a man like this one again. If only he had done something vile like som of the others you read about in here, like take all my money or go off with someone else. Then I could have found a reason to think that he’s a bad person and that I’m better off without him. But the only thing he did was being in love and vulnerable and tired and scared – as was I. And that’s what breaks my heart.
    But I also know that we did start to fight a lot and that we made each other more and more depressed. And also, he was quite possessive and a little manipulative. And when he was confronted with something, he got very defensive and rhetoric. So that’s a start at least, isn’t it?

  • Sam

    Hi Anna

    I can definitely identify with the part about your guy seeming so committed – so was mine, to the point he insisted that we be exclusive when I thought it was a bit early to be making that decision, I would have been satisfied with a bit less intense dating for a while before deciding to be a couple. However when he got cold feet he said he wasn’t my boyfriend and that I was reading too much into it. So I do sympathise that you find it hard to understand, I couldn’t fathom it in my relationship either. He said he wasn’t ready for the committment of a new relationship. All I can offer in the way of a solution based on my own experience is that often men seem to get very emotionally weird when they feel threatened by their own feelings. I can honestly say I did nothing to ask for any type of committment and yet he still felt that the relationship was moving too fast. Maybe your guy felt the same? He probably really liked you but didn’t know how to handle his feelings. the way you describe him he sounds like he was a bit freaked out by the emotional side of being in a relationship and didn’t handle this too well. Is there any chance you can control your unhappy feelings and try to genuinely become friends again? If you take it slowly maybe your relationship will get back on track. Let us know how you get on.

  • Daryn

    Hi Anna,

    Your ex sounds so much like mine. I thought that we would be together for ever and she seemed so comitted to me too and we had a whirlwind relationship. Right from the start it was fireworks and then it stayed really good for about seven months .

    Then we started to argue and it just got more difficult. The breeak-up was vry difficult for me because I believe that once you have commited to someone in that way – ie you want to be with them for the rest of your life – you should stick by them no matter what. don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that you will never break-up, but if you do then you can just get back together. If the love is there then anything is possible..the only problem was she did not love me anymore.

    I sometimes wonder if she ever really did..then I think its all my fault.then I swing back again. Its not easy. I felt I’d never find a woman like this again. To be painfully honest I don’t think I ever have. Having said that I think that if I had had my eyes open and not blinded by here there were several girls I have knownb sinse then who were much nicer than my ex and I probably shoulf have marrided!

    When you’re in love you just can’t fall in love with someone else until your over the person who has you heart.

    Anna it sounds as though both you and your ex fell into the trap of balming each other and bickering over the small stuff in a sort of power struggle to see who is to carry the balme for XYZ.

    I’ve found it much easier (after practice) to forgive immediately just about anything. I know this sounds stupid and naive, but when you think about it 99.9% of arguments are about the small stuff. There maybe deeper underlying stuff but I think it has to pretty bad to really argue about. Even sleeping with someone else – I have had girlfriends do this – assuming they regreted it I’d take tem back and have in the past and NEVER used it as a weapon in an argument. Forgive and Forget as they say.

    Don’t balme yourself, you have the staying power, it is he who doesn’t. You have obviously forgiven and he doesn’t reciprocate. You know thts my pet hate when it comes to these types – the unforgivingness, even after you lay your heart on thel ine and say you love them and want them back..you get nothing. Even after they said just months before that they loved you and you thought that you’d spend years if not the rest of your live together.

    You know there are Billions of others out there. The chances of meeting ‘the one’ are very remote. The truth is that there are literally millions of guys out there that you could fall in love with.

    I think I make the mistake of putting people on a pedestal and turing into a idolisable figure. I’ve got to be an equal. Its just with this one preson, its not easy for me. I wish so much she’d suddenly turn back to love me as she did – or as I thought she did – but its not going to happen. I hope your pain is easing. Maybe try to avoid him at work and go over in your mind what your frame of mind will be if you meet him in the corridor or something. I think you should just avoid contact and pretend he isnt there. Easier said than done I know, but I think you need to take a bit of ‘me time’ to think and heal and most of all see your own worth. As you obvoiusly know, heartache is, if nothing else, absolutely exhausting! I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. :)

    Hi Sam , I was thinking about what you said about guys acting wierd, it could be that he’s re-enactnig an old relationship – maybe an incident with a former girlfriend or even someone in his family. Boys have very strong bonds with their mothers and it can carry through into their relationships with girls.

    When I was a teenager I found that it was very difficult to ‘chat-up’ girls after I’d had a big argument with my mother because I felt so guilty. Usually we’d argue about me going out to bars with my friends but I’d go anyway! I used to have to call her later to patch things up and say sorry for the argument before I could go chat with girls without worrying and feeling bad. I don’t know the mechanisms of that but I’m sure I’m not the only guy who’s felt like that – I hope not anyway!

    I know a couple of girls who carry the problems they have had with their dads into relationships. Usually loveless dads who don’t show emotion or cuddle enough, they just don’t communicate love basically. I think we’re all, at a certain level, just children. Even all our ‘strong’ seeming ex’s.

    We are just as strong as they are.

  • julie

    hi to all
    this pain in my chest isn’t getting any better, 5 months and the pain is like the 1st day we part. 5 months of tears, he knows how i feels, but he have someone pregnant, he tells me they not together but still is it to easy my pain. i’m goin crazy

  • Sam

    OK Daryn, Jose and all you guys, we all need to get a man’s perspective here. Julie’s guy has impregnated someone else. Anna and I are both having the work romance from hell. One minute he’s in love with you the next its like it never happened.
    How is it that some men seem to be ‘in love’ and then they seem to get over it very very quickly and sometimes find someone new very quickly. Are these guys incapable of feelings at all? It seems so shallow. How do you know whether to believe someone when they say they are into you and want a relationship? do they just get bored as soon as they get want they want?

  • Daryn

    Hi Sam,
    I think if someone is there and actively, without prompting or purely through labored obligation, engages in helping and supporting you through difficult times they’re probably the type of person you can rely on, a true friend. This is true I think for friends as well as boyfriends / girlfriends.

    A girlfriend once told me that women feel the same way about things as men, I didn’t really belive her at the time but the more I see others the more I think this is true.

    I don’t think its a good idea to genderize too much or even at all. As soon as you get into the man v woman scenario things tend to polarise and you get this ‘all women together’ and ‘all men together’ mentality that people often take into relationships. Most advice you get from friends will be to ‘dump’ her/him or to confront them in a sort of contest where there will be a triumphant winner and a humiliated loser. I have messed up very important relationships through listening to the bad advice of my friends.

    If you think someone is your true friend then the chances are that they are, if at the same time you are true in your own actions and do what you think is ‘right’ then at least if they leave you, you can look at yourself in the mirror and say that you did all that you could to make the relationship work. You did the best you could.

    I think its important to try to be an equal to your partner and once you make the decision to commmit, the relationship should never be in question even through the worst of arguments. (Not easy if the other person doesn’t think in the same way)

    Julie it sounds as though you are suffering alot. I know the chest pain feeling and have been getting it alot recently. I’ve have had it on and off for a long time. I don’t know what to say to you other than take time to just be alone and think and cry it out, but at the same time see that you are a worthwhile caring person too and what has happened is not a reflection on you.

    There are other guys in the world, even if it doesn’t seem like that now. He’ll always be in your heart, you can still lead a full life and heal in time. I hope you feel better soon.

  • julie

    hi daryn
    thank you, i plan to live a full life, this is how it when down, when we broke up i didn’t want to let the relationship end i plead with him not to go, so he said let give it some time, i didn’t i made him make a decision so he split up with me. but for almost 5 months i was tryin to get back with him or stay away, i went out on tuesday night to the club and i saw him, so i got him to go outside and talk i told him i miss him huggin me and i when back to the past, and only the good times we spend together i was still fighten for him, we end up on the beach kissing and that when he just blurt out he have someone pregnant i freak out, he told me she’s 7wks pregnant. from one dilemma to a next. [he have a party saturday night and invite me should i go], by the way he doesn’t have this girl but a child bring people together, he was sleeping with this girl before he met me, i though i put a end to this girl when we start dating i know she love him but he doesn’t love her why does women let themself to be play like this, she got pregnant to get him, she knew we split up and she was right there to comfort him, no i’m not going back with him i just need time to heal cause it hurt like hell i can’t sleep this is the 1st time i really fell in love i’m 33yrs 1, 10yrs child a relationship for 12 yrs with my child father been around the block with other guys but never like this, i’ve lost a love of this life time.

  • Jared

    I read this all with interest and while there is heaps of logic the heart still rules my head. For me it’s been 10 months of complete agony. My partner and I had been together nearly three years, she was the girl I thought I would marry. We owned a house together and had been renovating it. I adored her and while things had been difficult at times I never saw “the end” coming. We spent every day together we even worked together. Anyway last July she left, just pulled the pin on us. Within four days of that her mother was in town and the house was stripped of everything she owned. The house was put on the market a fortnight later and sold two weeks later _ the day before my birthday. Two days after that I saw her out with her new man, she had said she was too young and wanted to travel then I see her with a man, who was older than me, had children and a reputation as a predator when it came to women. That was the beginning of the dramas, everyone saw them together at some point and the rumour mill started. Given his reputation it wasn’t surprising. I was subjected to the flaunting their relationship under my nose for a couple of months then it all went pear-sahped when he settled on one of his other girls. She blamed me for the rumours and still does and there was something still going on with the guy because he abused me everytime he saw me. It was only to get worse. she went home with a guy right in front of me a month or so later. Then in late December the guy she had been with assaulted his girlfriend _ she went straigt back to him, defended him when he was arrested and supported him through his court appearances. He then went back to the girl he assaulted. He has appeared in court a few times since. That is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what happened and I used to just go home and cry _ every day. She left town at the end of February, still blaming me for everything that went wrong. And I’ve missed her every minute of every day since despite the pain she has caused me. I saw her last Friday, she visited my and her ex-workplace which hurt so much when I heard she was in the building I left for an hour, coming back to the building I ran into her in the street. She spent 20 minutes spitting poison at me, told me that in order to get over me she had “got stuck into someone else” and just left me reeling that 10 months down the track she is still in a rage. I haven’t even looked at another girl since she left me, I still think of her 24/7, yet she has been so cruel, and believe me she has, what I’ve written here is just the bare-bones of the story – I could honestly write a book about the things she’s done to me, every day was like living under seige. It all hurts so much. At times I’ve been suicidal, at times I feel I’m not in control of my life, at times I’ve listened to the things she fires at me and let them eat away at me. I adored her, she left me which is why I can’t understand the rage. I still don’t know what to do. I still cry, I still feel I will never be okay. I lost everyhting I cared about in the space of a month and yet she is not dead, she still exists… but she’s gone. I wish someone could tell me what to do.

  • Bob Nob

    Facing your fears is not easy especially not in front of your ex and her new boyfriend and the people closest to you. Before you can get past this you will need to get real and accept it. This is part of being a man we have to step up to the plate and accept the things we cannot change. You just learned a big lesson in life, you feel how it feels to get your heart broken. It’s a very humbling feeling to feel that raw emotion, the same emotions people feel when they lose a loved one meaning a ————- partner,parent,child,family member or friend to a death, or to other reasons. Or being sentenced to 20 years in a state prison for something you did or did not do. Or being a P.O.W., Or being given 6 months to live. —————-Now listen up there is hope for you, when faced with problems that are beyond our ability to control we need to ask (GOD) for help. So it boils down to you either believe or you don’t believe, understand there is not a gray area, sit on the fence, borderline, sometime,s or when I,m in big trouble I believe in him, when it comes to god. If you believe in him – He can and will take away your pain and suffering – If you don’t he will not – It’s as simple as that. He is the only way to take away pain like you are describing. You know it’s odd how people don’t trust in the power of god until they have exhausted every other effort or suggestion before giving god a chance. So if you really want to get past your hurt you need to trust in god. He will be delighted to let you into his grace and while you are in his grace you will not feel the pain you are feeling.

  • julie

    talking it out made me feel better, it doesn’t work for everybody. he’s gone, not coming back. no i’m not fooling myself the pain i came home with on wednesday morning i just wish i was dead. but this morning it’s much better…….. it’s good to have friends around you if your not strong.
    jared what bob nob is talking about helps the lord. he can take that pain away. this pain feels worst than when someone you love die, your friends tell you let her go, she wasn’t for you. (i did so much writing i can print a book ) love does hurt all the time even when your together the fights the walking out but you make things work and the person you love is back but not this time she have herself a new love. love her let her know you love her and say your goodbyes.

  • Daryn

    Hi all

    Jared. it sounds as though you have been hanging around with some rough characters. You sound as though they’re not your kind of people. In your case I think its for the best that you are away from this person. I know that sounds rough but I have seen ruthless types like them and you will just suffer all of your life. You are a good guy and need to hang around with good people. People who will treat you with alot lore respect. Their behavious reflects on them not you. I hope you’re feeling a bit better.

    Julie, I hope your pain is easing. Yes, it can be so difficult being in love.

    “this pain feels worst than when someone you love die”

    I didn’t want to say this before but I have thought that alot. I feel more broken hearted about losing this woman than I did at the death of my own mother. I know that sounds crazy but its how I feel.

    In a way, a parent can have lived a full life and then after that, its natural to pass away. But a broken heart is in mourning for all that never was – All the lost possibilities. That in a sense, is a true life lost – a life that never was – not the end of a lived one. I hope that doesn’t sound too cold or self-indulgent.

    I guess to be philosophical, there are limitless possibilities and the loss of one of them still leaves an infinite amount.

    I hope that all makes sense!

  • Alyssa

    I have been depressed for months because of this heart ache. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year now and he finally decided to go back home. Without any valid reason I agreed. But before that, I have found an SMS message (to/from his ex gf) and consulted him about it (in a nice, full of respect manner) and he said “NO”, He denied it twice, but I just kept quiet and we spent the night together and the next day, he left. After a few days, I didn’t receive a call, a text message, email, IM, or whatsoever. I was worried. He had family problems which I am willing to help.. yes he did love me so much and he said he still does but he just have to figure out what is happening. After that, I was hurt because I couldn’t get the exact answers from him. He lies, but I still forgive him, petty cases like this can pass but I don’t know if I can hold on. He’s not the only one who is having a family problem, so do I. I myself have problems with my parents, with college and relatives. They expect so much from me but I still manage to let it all out by keep on doing what I love everyday, until yesterday. I attempted to commit suicide. Well, I did by slitting my wrist and there he was, found me on our unit and brought me to the hospital. I had 18 stitches, I have cried all day and night, haven’t eaten for a week and keep thinking “WHY?”

    For now, my wound is still fresh, all this is still fresh. He didn’t wanna leave me earlier but he said he has to. I don’t know for what particular reason but he sent a text message to my niece saying “take care of your aunt, i love her so much and I will still be here for her”

    All this left me confused, I don’t know how to move on. I have given so much, sacrificed so much for love suffers all. I am in deep pain and I have no one to talk to except for my 13 year old niece.

    If he says he loves me, then do I have to wait until everything is settled? He wished that this chaos would be all over soon, but how long can I cope up? Semester starts soon and it is my final year in college and I am messed up.

    Do I have to wait for him? I really do love him and I am willing to wait but how? Please give me insights/advise on what to do. I do not want to repeat what happened, I do not want to hurt myself again.

    All your comments would be much much appreciated.

  • Distant Drumming

    Dear Allysa: You need to get someone you can talk to. It is not fair to lay it all on your 13 year old cousin; and you have recently tried to kill yourself. I hope that you will follow up with someone who can help you with your pain and getting over your boyfriend,or simply moving on. I totally understand your pain; 18 months ago, my 8 year relationship with the love of my life ended. I didn’t know how I was going to move on. I have thought about suicide myself on and off for the last few months. I will say that time has made it easier, but it still hurts. One thing that really helped me was having a therapist. I told her that I was thinking about hurting myself, cutting my wrists, taking pills, swerving in front of a big truck with my small car… the whole thing. By talking with her, I was able to work through some of my pain, and realize that life goes on. I lived before him, I will live after him. I never want a man to have that much influence over me again.
    Hold on to yourself. You go to school, you have family that loves you. Obviously your boyfriend loves you, but there is something going on with him. I am sorry to say, but it is likely that he is confused because he may have feelings for someone else. No offence- but being pathetic and trying to kill yourself is no way to win him back. Stand tall, take care of yourself and love yourself.
    Some of the people at this sight have recommended working out, going back to school, balance in their lives, taking care of themselves, getting enough sleep, and making improvements in thier life. Success is the sweetest revenge (over some one who dumped you.) Take Care of Yourself! It’s all you got – and you will survive, life will go on. I know it hurts, girl; so many of us have been there! You have to hang on and be good to yourself. You have value and worth, and beauty and so much to live for. There is no person in the world worth your own life.
    Breath – figure out what you want to do next. And do something nice for yourself each day: a bath, a manicure, a piece of chocolate, a list of all the things that you love about yourself, a list of all the wonderful experiences that you have had, count your blessings, connect with those who are good to you and for you. Love yourself first, and others will love you next. Good luck!

  • Alyssa

    Dearest Distant Drumming,

    I don’t know how much I can thank you for sharing your sentiments. I know on one day, but this pain doesn’t go away just like that. I know

    I took your advice, took a long bath and listened to music. It kinda’ made me feel a little lighter.

    I am in hunger strike mode so I haven’t eaten anything…not just yet. I have lost 12lbs in 1 week by starving myself. I know it is bad, but I just couldn’t bear seeing food.

    I don’t know what is next for me, I will have to take it step by step but I am still hoping for his come-back. I am stupid yes, but I am not sure if there is a third party involve or he’s just really confused. My niece received a text message saying that he got beaten up by his father and was sent away. He is now living with his cousin and haven’t sleep. I don’t know if it’s true but this worries me.

    Don’t you wish life just had a “reset” button?

  • Distant Drumming

    Dear Alyssa:

    Wow! Good for you! You have started to take steps to take care of yourself. Now is the time to take pleasure in the little things, like a bath and music you love! Great! Keep up the good work. Try to do nice things for yourself each day – you deserve it.

    I know it is so hard! The pain. But it does get better, with time. It seems you and your boyfriend are going through a lot right now and perhaps your family situation is not supportive. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. Again, seek out good people – those who are healthy and will reinforce positive thoughts and behavior for you.

    Are you reading any good books? There are a lot of wonderful books about taking care of yourself, and recovering from a broken heart.

    Maybe your friend is in a really bad place. If he is being abused by his family, he may feel that he is unloveable or unworthy. Try to take care of yourself – stay balanced. Maybe in a way, you have to stay balanced for both of you. What I mean by this,….if his life is out of control, you can’t be bouncing off all of his drama. You gotta keep yourself together and get through this. His life will calm down and he will find his own balance. But if you are both all over the place with pain and craziness (suicide…..) there is no common ground. Think of it like two balls in a gym and they are bouncing all over the place – what are the odds they will actually bump into each other? Wierd ananolgy but anyway. If one of you is calm, steady and balanced, it will help the other to find his/her balance….Be strong. You can do it!

    Yes, eating is another part of taking care of yourself. It’s funny how a broken heart can make you starve yourself or gorge. Different temperments. My friend, K, says she eats when she is stressed, sad, mad, happy, excited, bored….lol. I am like you, I felt sick and didn’t want to eat. I call it the Divorce Diet, and for me, nothing like a break up for me to loss wieght.

    You need energy for your body. Also all this emotional stuff takes it’s toll on your brain. So EAT – so you don’t go crazy. Try a handful of nuts, walnuts which are good for your brain. Right now your seratonin and other hormones are out of wack due to the pain. You have changed your brain chemistry with all the crying and all; that is why you felt suicidal. Try to eat things with good fat, like nuts, and eat some protein, meat if you do meat, or tofu. You need this to rebuild your body. Feed your body so it can tak you throught this difficult time. Check out more on nutrition. Also, try some chocolate. It is good for your moods.

    Something is going on with your boyfriend. Maybe it is not another person, but something has sent him into crisis mode. Is it drugs? Does he have trouble with his emotiosn? Is there some big change? Graduation? Move? lost job? New job? Something has sent him spinning out of control; and now you are spinning. Calm down; breathe. This too shall pass……

    Take care of yourself right now….that is all you can do.
    Best wishes!

    Don’t you wish life just had a “reset” button?
    Yes, sometimes I really do….and a delete button….they all would come in handy some days. We can reset our lives, it takes work but therre is always tomorrow.
    – FDD

  • Alyssa

    Dear Distant Dumming,

    You just don’t know how thankful I am for having to read your reply everyday. I am so grateful for having to stumble upon this site (thanks Sara).

    Anyway, I will go to the salon today, have a haircut, pedicure and a manicure with my niece. I hope all this goes well. I have lost 10lbs this week for NO FOOD intake at all. I feel weak but drinking water keeps me going.

    I have contact with him, but I’d rather not call/send an sms. I will let him be what he wants to be for the mean time, I will suffer — yes there’ pain but I guess I have to deal with it. I have also prayed. Prayed real HARD. And I believe the Lord won’t give your problems that you cannot deal. So, I would just do something for myself and STOP thinking about him for the mean time. I know it is hard but I CAN and WILL do it. It will be hard, probably repetitive conversations might occur but I know I will feel good that way, letting it all out will lessen what I feel.

    I managed to contact my friend, and we plan to go to Church. I told her to read your comment and she said I should follow your. “You have value and worth, and beauty and so much to live for. There is no person in the world worth your own life.” — How true. I used to be a happy person, everybody knew me as a joker, morning person, always had a smile on her face…all of a sudden this happens, leaving everyone in shock.

    I am trying to move, my day starts TODAY.

    I have to be strong for myself as you would say, and the least I can do is to take your advise.

    What is your email address? I want to keep in touch with you as I go along on my journey. I am willing to exchange thoughts/ideas with you.

    Thank you very much.

  • Jared

    Feeling better, ah no. My head swims with memories, trying to understand what happened, trying to fathom the pain. I’m tired. I have had enough.

  • julie

    hi jared
    sorry to here that you’re still hurting like that i know what your talking about, i got some sleeping pills from the doctor i was about to write a goodbye letter to him, i couldn’t take the pain no more, i don’t want this pain. guest what i have to accept this pain, he does love me the way i love him, if he did, he wouldn’t be with the person he’s with now, not in her bed, getting ready to have a baby with her, how could he do this to me. sitting in a dark room and crying my heart out for for him, why he’s loving someone the way he use to love me, he’s hugs her and tell her how he love her , it’s not me.
    it’s with someone else. how could he blew me off like we been never together.
    jared you need to get back on your feet, eveyone tell you you’ll be better, but no one feeling the way you do.

  • julie

    this pain in my chest still isn’t getting better. i don’t like what is going on with me, i know i don’t ever want him back in my life, someone told me that if he came back i would take him, not so i don’t think i would let anyone close in my life again. i’m back on meds for my heart so it could beat normal, high blood pressure(hypertension) pills and sleeping pills so i could sleep i know he doesn’t love me the way i’m loving him. tears for someone that walk out my life maybe it’s for the best.

  • Kat

    It is comforting to know these feelings are universal and people do understand the constant pain I feel since my relationship has ended. The thing is, I ended the relationship bc I wasnt being treated right not bc I didnt love him. Even with all of this, I want him back. I guess want I truly want are answers to my questions and the validation: I want him to say he still loves me and still wants me. No matter how much I know this was the right thing for me to do at this time, I am always on the verge of tears for I miss him and the closeness. Thanks for the wonderful words of wisdom and for all of you who have posted your experiences and feelings. I hope we ALL become whole again. Let’s stay positive. We’ve gotten over heart ache before and will be better when we get over this one.

  • Carl

    I am at the very peak of the pain and I am very depressed

  • Alyssa

    Carl, I am in the similar situation right now. But then I am hoping that we should get back on our feet. As Distant would always say, we should be strong. Her/His comments would surely help you. Read them over and over, go through each advice carefully. Print them out if you can and highlight important things that he/she said.

    I am still depress and sad, but I am trying to make life worthwhile.

    My so called partner lives with me and comes home every time that he is needed, although when he is here, it seems like we are no longer connected for he is always on the phone. He is always busy on his cellphone plus he uses my home phone flirting with other people. It hurts, but I have nothing to do. I do not know what to do. I guess he is looking for a fall back, he is on the process of meeting other people, I guess I just have to accept that fact. But what troubles me is that, he said that he loves me, but how can I believe him? A lot of questions are going on my mind but I try to ignore it. Try to talk to someone who will understand you. Let it all OUT. You/I do not deserve this kind of treatment from another people. Especially when you have given everything that is possible just to make them feel happy and special, yet they take you for granted. They choose to spend time with other people rather than just talk and patch things up. THIS IS SO PAINFUL, but I am hopeless. I do not know what to do really. When people starts to ask him if he has a partner, he SAYS “No more” and when people ask him where he is, he simply says “at my place” (but the real fact is that he is here in our home)

    It is so weird that people can say I love you just for the sake of saying it. I want to hear the truth, who doesn’t right? I cannot believe that he can laugh at these stuff, at all that is happening while I, I on the other hand is suffering. But anyway, just PRAY. It really does help.

    PRAY and keep praying. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Trust me.

  • Sam

    I didn’t read everything. I have this page saved because I know I will come back here and it will comfort me.

    I am shattered! The man who loved me totally, the one who did everything for me, my best friend, my life partner… doesn’t love me anymore! I am writing this 1 week after the breakup of our 3 year relationship. The complicated thing, is that it was my fault! Ever since we got together we had money problems, and I am not a person who deals well with being poor, it depresses me. And when I get depressed I go into myself, I find it hard to give out the emotional support that I should be giving. Or to even notice that it is needed. I spent the last year of our relationship not noticing his feelings. He has said that he needed me so many times, and he reached out every time, and I wasn’t there for him. I think what happened is that I was depressed and unable to cope with his emotions as well as my own, so in my heart I put our relationship on the back burner. I put my feelings on hold, and kept thinking tomorrow, tomorrow, there is plenty of time to try, to pay attention, to get back to how our relationship should be. When I have more money, when I am less stressed, when we have somewhere perfect to live again, then I will have time for ‘Us’.

    But the final time was the last time. He reached out after a particularly bad knock in his life, and I wasn’t there. Something snapped inside him and he stopped loving me. The thin strands just broke.

    Now the snoring, and the sweating, and the whimpering at night, are gone, and his annoyingly bony hips, and his stupid late nights at work. All gone. And crazily, I miss that. I crave it!! I was the one who ended it, after a fight. But a comment made by my mother made me realise I was overlooking the best thing I’d ever had in my life – She said ‘sometimes relationships are not all fun and romance and fireworks. Sometimes it’s more important to have someone to rely on, a partner that knows you inside out. A friend.’ And I realised she was right. But when I told him hey I was wrong, I don’t really want to break up. He said, but I do!

    We have talked a couple of times since, and I am not so pathetic that I think life will never be the same again. But sleeping in our bed, without him, and waking up every morning alone, and not having his arms wrapped round me when I feel down… I crave him now. I crave the stability we had, and the potential we had for the future. I hate myself for giving him so little of me that he finally gave up on me. It feels like an addiction that I didn’t know I had, and now I am cold turkey.

    I do have the option to speak to him, and he is sympathetic, but that is harder than anything. Because there is no emotion in his voice now. He cares about me as a person but he is not longing to be in my arms again, he does not wake every morning shivering and crying because I am not there. He is moving into a new flat and shopping for new clothes, and going out with his friends, he is looking forward to the future. I am stuck in the realisation that I did this. I made someone fall out of love with me. And I can’t do anything to change that. He doesn’t WANT to hold me anymore. And all I want in the world is for him to want to want me again.

    I know I WILL get over this, but right now I can’t do anything without thinking of him. I can’t breathe properly, I feel sick, I can’t concentrate, I can’t stop crying. I am shattered. Does any of that make sense?

  • Dimitri

    My situation is too complicated to even start explaining, so I’m not going to. What I can say is that I’ve never felt so miserable. I’m 23 now and life is so very messed up at the moment. I am lucky to have my job, so at least I have something to work for, and something to feel good and proud about. What Sara wrote is so incredibly good. I saved the page to read it again. And to the writer of the previous message, Sam, you’re not the only one feeling like that. All your feelings make sense I guess, because there’s more of us feeling such things.

  • Tiffany

    I feel like I am going to die.

    Stupid I know, specially for a 35 year old who has a great job and just bought a house and new car! Yet for the past few days trying not cry has been a chore. In fact I’m blubbering all over the keyboard right now as I type this.

    I don’t even know where to begin. I had know this guy for 3 three years and over a year ago we started dating. Very fast and passtionate. quite soon he had said he loved me. It was rocky though because he had an ex-girlfriend that I was an aquaintance with (not any more of course, they had been broken up for over a year when he and i got together and she flipped out after she found out he had an interest in me-don’t worry I am not some boyfriend stealer)…..

    Any ways, he moved in with me and made plans for our future, talking of marriage and that sort. I have never been with a guy who was so open about making a life commitment. It swept me off my feet and was magical.

    Five months later after he had told me he wanted to marry me and had a talked about having children with me, I come home from work and there is a note on the kitchen island. Basically he had packed up his things and left and went back to his ex-girlfriend. He told me she had some sort of hold over him and that no matter how much he loved me he would always go back to her.

    The rug had been completely swiped from underneath me. He and I work together also. I work in Avionics and he works in Sheet metal on large comercial aircraft.

    I had died that day of a broken heart. I called my parents in tears not knowing what to do. Of course they told me he was jerk and not right for me. So, I took a week off of work and flew up to the corp. headquarters of my company and interviewed for a position in aviation sales.

    No one at work knew of my escape route and when HE found out I had taken off unanounced he frantically tried calling me….his ex that he went back to had changed my cell phone number on his phone so ironically he was calling some old lady for a week begging for me to answer his calls.

    My last night that I was gone, I was out to dinner with my parent and my cell rings and it was Him. He found out his ex changed my number and was able to get it again.

    Long story short, he picked me up at the airport when I got back and we slowly got back together again. My brain had red flags every where but my heart won the battle.

    I got the new job and moved out of state right after Christmas. He stayed with the dogs while I looked for a place to live. I found a house and bought it and in February he helped me move up here and stayed for 3 weeks. The plan was that he would go back and work for a month there and find a contract job near Chicago. He found one in St. Louis and I thought things were great.

    He came up here every other weekend and we talked a billion times a day and planed to get married in August. My life was set with him and I loved him and our life.

    This past Holiday weekend he came up here and we had a wonderful time. He left on Monday to go back to St. Louis and Thursday night I was talking to him and I got this weird feeling.

    I asked him if he wanted to go back to OKC. The phone was silent for a heart breaking moment. Instantly tears filled my eyes and I started getting that choking feeling you get when you try and hold back crying. He said maybe. I asked him if he wanted to leave me to get back together with his ex and he said he didn’t kwow what he wanted and he didn’t know if he could love me the way I loved him.

    Well I talked to him today and his was on the road for OKC and starts his old job back on Monday like he was never even gone. So, I was left to pack up his stuff today. I was going to mail it but he just said throw it away. I gave all of his things to Goodwill. This old guy who was the attendant asked why I was giving this to them and I told him that my boyfriend broke my heart. He told me everything would be ok and that it was too bad that you couldn’t that you couldn’t dump your boyfriend off there too. It was sweet and nice.

    How do you go from a fairy tale to crying on the computer?

    The worst part of it, is that my friends told me he was going to do this to me again. He promised that he loved me and would not take off again and break my heart.

    I guess the moral of the story is to take love with a grain of salt.

    I feel like an idiot about this. I trusted him again to let him back in my life and he just threw it in my face. Should we be not trusting of a person’s word. Or should we just not give any one a second chance.

    I want my heart to mend. I am trying to do everything to keep me busy. There are post it notes all over my place on the walls that say things to try and help me get over him. I even took my eyeliner out and wrote across my bathroom mirror a few things to try and help me get over him. I vow not to clean it off till my heart is heeled.

    Maybe this helps me by leaving a comment to the unknowing crowd about how a man has hurt me and that I am not the only person who is trying to get over a broken heart tonight.

  • Daryn

    Sam it all makes sense. It is normal to focus on yourself if you are hurting, but as you say it can be at the expense of the person in your life that you want to keep most. I think when people need to let out pain and (for want of a better word) indulge in a bit of self-healing they lean on those they care for most, the people they think will never leave them no matter what happens – friends, family or a lover.

    I made the same mistake as you and focused on my own pain so much that I didn’t see what the other person needed. Now that she’s gone I can see my mistakes as clear as day, but she doesn’t want to see me or have any contact with me now. I would have forgiven her but that’s not a two-way thing. Its sad that he can’t forgive you. “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” sadly some people just can’t manage it.

    My pain has eased a bit, I couldn’t do anything for months – I’m still not doing too well but its not as bad as before. I really try not to cry in work and manage (just) to hold it in. She is still in my mind every minute of every day though, I know I will have to stop that if I’m ever to get myself back.

    Don’t blame yourself Sam. At the end of the day you always did your best. He could mend the relationship and you are still willing to try to make it work. Though, perhaps if you were both sad (or even if it was just you who was sad) maybe it was best it ended. It might not feel like that just now, but in my case, I’m beginning to wonder if it maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Though, like you I still wish for nothing more in the world than for her to want me to hold her again but she won’t even talk to me now. She was supportive for a while but now there is nothing. I waiver from thinking I’ll be ok to feeling really bad again but I’m not as sad as I was a few months ago so there is hope. I just get pangs all of a sudden and I really ache in my heart, I can physically feel my heart sinking.

    I tried to heal old family problems I had by clinging to her (not all the time but obviously too much) and that really put her off. Like you I wasn’t being the partner I was supposed to be. People want an ‘other half’, someone to be with them through life, an equal – I was there like a child trying to get love. I thought I’d heal and be strong one day and I think I would have but it wasn’t the right way to do it. You can’t change from being in a parent-child type emotional relationship to an adult-adult relationship after you’ve ‘cured’ all your hang-ups, by then the other person doesn’t see you as a good ‘mate’ and its even worse than if they didn’t know you because you have to undo all the mistakes of the past rather than come into the relationship afresh. I wish I had found this insight without losing her, if only I’d seen it sooner things might have been different. As you know its easy to see things afterwards. Hindsight comes always after you needed to know.

    Look at the good that has come out of it though, you now have insight into what happened and that in itself is a big gain. I have changed my outlook on life too and I feel more mature about things, I understand what to do next time to keep the one I love and what I am supposed to be in the relationship. Some people go through their while lives never seeing this. You have seen it much sooner than me because I am much older, I wish I’d seen it twenty years ago.

    You are one of those people – like everyone on this site – who is lucky enough to have the capacity to really love so much. I’m glad I can still love so much – that’s another thing that some people never manage in their lives. Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Though life is not a penance and I want to lead a happy life and not mourn forever. I don’t have time to throw away anymore. Not that I ever did even though I thought I did.

    I don’t think things pass necessarily in time (though time does help to heal) but a positive outlook is the way I think – it might seem a million miles away just now but I’m sure you have moments where you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – focus on those moments. Keeping yourself in good physical shape is very important too I think. I indulged far too much and ended up with high blood pressure and was diagnosed as obese a a while back. Now I’m exercising and eating very healthily and I feel alot better for it. Eat well and exercise, go for walks as well. I walk in the city where no one knows me and just sit on a a bench and think and heal. Sometimes I buy a bus pass and sit on buses and think and try to heal that way. Sam I can see you have had

    Dimitri I’ve saved posts from here too to read them over and over again. It is good that we’re all together supporting each other. I am nearly crying as I am writing this, not from sadness but from the relief that I have found a sort of sanctuary where we can all be together and help each other. Imagine if we all met in the same room, that would be such a nice thing to happen. I think I’d feel very safe and at ease.

    I am going to work at relationships from now on and not focus on myself. Easier said than done I know! I carry alot of baggage and now I’m aware of how much it was affecting my relationships then I can work on it so I don’t make the same mistakes again.

    “Life is only as good as its relationships”
    is a saying I’ve always remembered. Don’t ask me who said it though! I’m going to be aware of that and work on keeping them good. Like you Sam. I made someone fall out of love with me. I thought that love always survived but it does seem possible to end it, or at least make it so tough that the other person just wants out, love or not. Sick love I call it. That’s what I had for her. I want to be a proper boyfriend and care for the the woman I love and be strong for her and not mess it up next time.
    I think thats the best I can do for the future.

    Sam it all makes sense. It is normal to focus on yourself if you are hurting, but as you say it can be at the expense of the person in your life that you want to keep most. I think when people need to let out pain and (for want of a better word) indulge in a bit of self-healing they lean on those they care for most, the people they think will never leave them no matter what happens – friends, family or a lover.

    I made the same mistake as you and focused on my own pain so much that I didn’t see what the other person needed. Now that she’s gone I can see my mistakes as clear as day, but she doesn’t want to see me or have any contact with me now. I would have forgiven her but that’s not a two-way thing. Its sad that he can’t forgive you. “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” sadly some people just can’t manage it.

    My pain has eased a bit, I couldn’t do anything for months – I’m still not doing too well but its not as bad as before. I really try not to cry in work and manage (just) to hold it in. She is still in my mind every minute of every day though, I know I will have to stop that if I’m ever to get myself back.

    Don’t blame yourself Sam. At the end of the day you always did your best. He could mend the relationship and you are still willing to try to make it work. Though, perhaps if you were both sad (or even if it was just you who was sad) maybe it was best it ended. It might not feel like that just now, but in my case, I’m beginning to wonder if it maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Though, like you I still wish for nothing more in the world than for her to want me to hold her again but she won’t even talk to me now. She was supportive for a while but now there is nothing. I waiver from thinking I’ll be ok to feeling really bad again but I’m not as sad as I was a few months ago so there is hope. I just get pangs all of a sudden and I really ache in my heart, I can physically feel my heart sinking.

    I tried to heal old family problems I had by clinging to her (not all the time but obviously too much) and that really put her off. Like you I wasn’t being the partner I was supposed to be. People want an ‘other half’, someone to be with them through life, an equal – I was there like a child trying to get love. I thought I’d heal and be strong one day and I think I would have but it wasn’t the right way to do it. You can’t change from being in a parent-child type emotional relationship to an adult-adult relationship after you’ve ‘cured’ all your hang-ups, by then the other person doesn’t see you as a good ‘mate’ and its even worse than if they didn’t know you because you have to undo all the mistakes of the past rather than come into the relationship afresh. I wish I had found this insight without losing her, if only I’d seen it sooner things might have been different. As you know its easy to see things afterwards. Hindsight comes always after you needed to know.

    Look at the good that has come out of it though, you now have insight into what happened and that in itself is a big gain. I have changed my outlook on life too and I feel more mature about things, I understand what to do next time to keep the one I love and what I am supposed to be in the relationship. Some people go through their while lives never seeing this. You have seen it much sooner than me because I am much older, I wish I’d seen it twenty years ago.

    You are one of those people – like everyone on this site – who is lucky enough to have the capacity to really love so much. I’m glad I can still love so much – that’s another thing that some people never manage in their lives. Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Though life is not a penance and I want to lead a happy life and not mourn forever. I don’t have time to throw away anymore. Not that I ever did even though I thought I did.

    I don’t think things pass necessarily in time (though time does help to heal) but a positive outlook is the way I think – it might seem a million miles away just now but I’m sure you have moments where you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – focus on those moments. Keeping yourself in good physical shape is very important too I think. I indulged far too much and ended up with high blood pressure and was diagnosed as obese a a while back. Now I’m exercising and eating very healthily and I feel alot better for it. Eat well and exercise, go for walks as well. I walk in the city where no one knows me and just sit on a a bench and think and heal. Sometimes I buy a bus pass and sit on buses and think and try to heal that way. Sam I can see you have had

    Dimitri I’ve saved posts from here too to read them over and over again. It is good that we’re all together supporting each other. I am nearly crying as I am writing this, not from sadness but from the relief that I have found a sort of sanctuary where we can all be together and help each other. Imagine if we all met in the same room, that would be such a nice thing to happen. I think I’d feel very safe and at ease.

    I am going to work at relationships from now on and not focus on myself. Easier said than done I know! I carry alot of baggage and now I’m aware of how much it was affecting my relationships then I can work on it so I don’t make the same mistakes again.

    “Life is only as good as its relationships”
    is a saying I’ve always remembered. Don’t ask me who said it though! I’m going to be aware of that and work on keeping them good. Like you Sam. I made someone fall out of love with me. I thought that love always survived but it does seem possible to end it, or at least make it so tough that the other person just wants out, love or not. Sick love I call it. That’s what I had for her. I want to be a proper boyfriend and care for the the woman I love and be strong for her and not mess it up next time.
    I think thats the best I can do for the future.

    Sam it all makes sense. It is normal to focus on yourself if you are hurting, but as you say it can be at the expense of the person in your life that you want to keep most. I think when people need to let out pain and (for want of a better word) indulge in a bit of self-healing they lean on those they care for most, the people they think will never leave them no matter what happens – friends, family or a lover.

    I made the same mistake as you and focused on my own pain so much that I didn’t see what the other person needed. Now that she’s gone I can see my mistakes as clear as day, but she doesn’t want to see me or have any contact with me now. I would have forgiven her but that’s not a two-way thing. Its sad that he can’t forgive you. “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” sadly some people just can’t manage it.

    My pain has eased a bit, I couldn’t do anything for months – I’m still not doing too well but its not as bad as before. I really try not to cry in work and manage (just) to hold it in. She is still in my mind every minute of every day though, I know I will have to stop that if I’m ever to get myself back.

    Don’t blame yourself Sam. At the end of the day you always did your best. He could mend the relationship and you are still willing to try to make it work. Though, perhaps if you were both sad (or even if it was just you who was sad) maybe it was best it ended. It might not feel like that just now, but in my case, I’m beginning to wonder if it maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Though, like you I still wish for nothing more in the world than for her to want me to hold her again but she won’t even talk to me now. She was supportive for a while but now there is nothing. I waiver from thinking I’ll be ok to feeling really bad again but I’m not as sad as I was a few months ago so there is hope. I just get pangs all of a sudden and I really ache in my heart, I can physically feel my heart sinking.

    I tried to heal old family problems I had by clinging to her (not all the time but obviously too much) and that really put her off. Like you I wasn’t being the partner I was supposed to be. People want an ‘other half’, someone to be with them through life, an equal – I was there like a child trying to get love. I thought I’d heal and be strong one day and I think I would have but it wasn’t the right way to do it. You can’t change from being in a parent-child type emotional relationship to an adult-adult relationship after you’ve ‘cured’ all your hang-ups, by then the other person doesn’t see you as a good ‘mate’ and its even worse than if they didn’t know you because you have to undo all the mistakes of the past rather than come into the relationship afresh. I wish I had found this insight without losing her, if only I’d seen it sooner things might have been different. As you know its easy to see things afterwards. Hindsight comes always after you needed to know.

    Look at the good that has come out of it though, you now have insight into what happened and that in itself is a big gain. I have changed my outlook on life too and I feel more mature about things, I understand what to do next time to keep the one I love and what I am supposed to be in the relationship. Some people go through their while lives never seeing this. You have seen it much sooner than me because I am much older, I wish I’d seen it twenty years ago.

    You are one of those people – like everyone on this site – who is lucky enough to have the capacity to really love so much. I’m glad I can still love so much – that’s another thing that some people never manage in their lives. Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Though life is not a penance and I want to lead a happy life and not mourn forever. I don’t have time to throw away anymore. Not that I ever did even though I thought I did.

    I don’t think things pass necessarily in time (though time does help to heal) but a positive outlook is the way I think – it might seem a million miles away just now but I’m sure you have moments where you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – focus on those moments. Keeping yourself in good physical shape is very important too I think. I indulged far too much and ended up with high blood pressure and was diagnosed as obese a a while back. Now I’m exercising and eating very healthily and I feel alot better for it. Eat well and exercise, go for walks as well. I walk in the city where no one knows me and just sit on a a bench and think and heal. Sometimes I buy a bus pass and sit on buses and think and try to heal that way. Sam I can see you have had

    Dimitri I’ve saved posts from here too to read them over and over again. It is good that we’re all together supporting each other. I am nearly crying as I am writing this, not from sadness but from the relief that I have found a sort of sanctuary where we can all be together and help each other. Imagine if we all met in the same room, that would be such a nice thing to happen. I think I’d feel very safe and at ease.

    I am going to work at relationships from now on and not focus on myself. Easier said than done I know! I carry alot of baggage and now I’m aware of how much it was affecting my relationships then I can work on it so I don’t make the same mistakes again.

    “Life is only as good as its relationships”
    is a saying I’ve always remembered. Don’t ask me who said it though! I’m going to be aware of that and work on keeping them good. Like you Sam. I made someone fall out of love with me. I thought that love always survived but it does seem possible to end it, or at least make it so tough that the other person just wants out, love or not. Sick love I call it. That’s what I had for her. I want to be a proper boyfriend and care for the the woman I love and be strong for her and not mess it up next time.
    I think thats the best I can do for the future.

    Sam it all makes sense. It is normal to focus on yourself if you are hurting, but as you say it can be at the expense of the person in your life that you want to keep most. I think when people need to let out pain and (for want of a better word) indulge in a bit of self-healing they lean on those they care for most, the people they think will never leave them no matter what happens – friends, family or a lover.

    I made the same mistake as you and focused on my own pain so much that I didn’t see what the other person needed. Now that she’s gone I can see my mistakes as clear as day, but she doesn’t want to see me or have any contact with me now. I would have forgiven her but that’s not a two-way thing. Its sad that he can’t forgive you. “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” sadly some people just can’t manage it.

    My pain has eased a bit, I couldn’t do anything for months – I’m still not doing too well but its not as bad as before. I really try not to cry in work and manage (just) to hold it in. She is still in my mind every minute of every day though, I know I will have to stop that if I’m ever to get myself back.

    Don’t blame yourself Sam. At the end of the day you always did your best. He could mend the relationship and you are still willing to try to make it work. Though, perhaps if you were both sad (or even if it was just you who was sad) maybe it was best it ended. It might not feel like that just now, but in my case, I’m beginning to wonder if it maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Though, like you I still wish for nothing more in the world than for her to want me to hold her again but she won’t even talk to me now. She was supportive for a while but now there is nothing. I waiver from thinking I’ll be ok to feeling really bad again but I’m not as sad as I was a few months ago so there is hope. I just get pangs all of a sudden and I really ache in my heart, I can physically feel my heart sinking.

    I tried to heal old family problems I had by clinging to her (not all the time but obviously too much) and that really put her off. Like you I wasn’t being the partner I was supposed to be. People want an ‘other half’, someone to be with them through life, an equal – I was there like a child trying to get love. I thought I’d heal and be strong one day and I think I would have but it wasn’t the right way to do it. You can’t change from being in a parent-child type emotional relationship to an adult-adult relationship after you’ve ‘cured’ all your hang-ups, by then the other person doesn’t see you as a good ‘mate’ and its even worse than if they didn’t know you because you have to undo all the mistakes of the past rather than come into the relationship afresh. I wish I had found this insight without losing her, if only I’d seen it sooner things might have been different. As you know its easy to see things afterwards. Hindsight comes always after you needed to know.

    Look at the good that has come out of it though, you now have insight into what happened and that in itself is a big gain. I have changed my outlook on life too and I feel more mature about things, I understand what to do next time to keep the one I love and what I am supposed to be in the relationship. Some people go through their while lives never seeing this. You have seen it much sooner than me because I am much older, I wish I’d seen it twenty years ago.

    You are one of those people – like everyone on this site – who is lucky enough to have the capacity to really love so much. I’m glad I can still love so much – that’s another thing that some people never manage in their lives. Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Though life is not a penance and I want to lead a happy life and not mourn forever. I don’t have time to throw away anymore. Not that I ever did even though I thought I did.

    I don’t think things pass necessarily in time (though time does help to heal) but a positive outlook is the way I think – it might seem a million miles away just now but I’m sure you have moments where you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – focus on those moments. Keeping yourself in good physical shape is very important too I think. I indulged far too much and ended up with high blood pressure and was diagnosed as obese a a while back. Now I’m exercising and eating very healthily and I feel alot better for it. Eat well and exercise, go for walks as well. I walk in the city where no one knows me and just sit on a a bench and think and heal. Sometimes I buy a bus pass and sit on buses and think and try to heal that way. Sam I can see you have had

    Dimitri I’ve saved posts from here too to read them over and over again. It is good that we’re all together supporting each other. I am nearly crying as I am writing this, not from sadness but from the relief that I have found a sort of sanctuary where we can all be together and help each other. Imagine if we all met in the same room, that would be such a nice thing to happen. I think I’d feel very safe and at ease.

    I am going to work at relationships from now on and not focus on myself. Easier said than done I know! I carry alot of baggage and now I’m aware of how much it was affecting my relationships then I can work on it so I don’t make the same mistakes again.

    “Life is only as good as its relationships”
    is a saying I’ve always remembered. Don’t ask me who said it though! I’m going to be aware of that and work on keeping them good. Like you Sam. I made someone fall out of love with me. I thought that love always survived but it does seem possible to end it, or at least make it so tough that the other person just wants out, love or not. ‘Sick love’ I call it. That’s what I had for her. I want to be a proper boyfriend and care for the the woman I love and be strong for her and not mess it up next time.
    I think thats the best I can do for the future.

    Sam I wish you all the strength and caring you need to get you through this.

  • Daryn

    WOW DID I MESS UP THAT LAST POST OR WHAT! A cut and paste from notepad error – a rather bad one!

    here’s what it should say;

    Sam it all makes sense. It is normal to focus on yourself if you are hurting, but as you say it can be at the expense of the person in your life that you want to keep most. I think when people need to let out pain and (for want of a better word) indulge in a bit of self-healing they lean on those they care for most, the people they think will never leave them no matter what happens – friends, family or a lover.

    I made the same mistake as you and focused on my own pain so much that I didn’t see what the other person needed. Now that she’s gone I can see my mistakes as clear as day, but she doesn’t want to see me or have any contact with me now. I would have forgiven her but that’s not a two-way thing. Its sad that he can’t forgive you. “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” sadly some people just can’t manage it.

    My pain has eased a bit, I couldn’t do anything for months – I’m still not doing too well but its not as bad as before. I really try not to cry in work and manage (just) to hold it in. She is still in my mind every minute of every day though, I know I will have to stop that if I’m ever to get myself back.

    Don’t blame yourself Sam. At the end of the day you always did your best. He could mend the relationship and you are still willing to try to make it work. Though, perhaps if you were both sad (or even if it was just you who was sad) maybe it was best it ended. It might not feel like that just now, but in my case, I’m beginning to wonder if it maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Though, like you I still wish for nothing more in the world than for her to want me to hold her again but she won’t even talk to me now. She was supportive for a while but now there is nothing. I waiver from thinking I’ll be ok to feeling really bad again but I’m not as sad as I was a few months ago so there is hope. I just get pangs all of a sudden and I really ache in my heart, I can physically feel my heart sinking.

    I tried to heal old family problems I had by clinging to her (not all the time but obviously too much) and that really put her off. Like you I wasn’t being the partner I was supposed to be. People want an ‘other half’, someone to be with them through life, an equal – I was there like a child trying to get love. I thought I’d heal and be strong one day and I think I would have but it wasn’t the right way to do it. You can’t change from being in a parent-child type emotional relationship to an adult-adult relationship after you’ve ‘cured’ all your hang-ups, by then the other person doesn’t see you as a good ‘mate’ and its even worse than if they didn’t know you because you have to undo all the mistakes of the past rather than come into the relationship afresh. I wish I had found this insight without losing her, if only I’d seen it sooner things might have been different. As you know its easy to see things afterwards. Hindsight comes always after you needed to know.

    Look at the good that has come out of it though, you now have insight into what happened and that in itself is a big gain. I have changed my outlook on life too and I feel more mature about things, I understand what to do next time to keep the one I love and what I am supposed to be in the relationship. Some people go through their while lives never seeing this. You have seen it much sooner than me because I am much older, I wish I’d seen it twenty years ago.

    You are one of those people – like everyone on this site – who is lucky enough to have the capacity to really love so much. I’m glad I can still love so much – that’s another thing that some people never manage in their lives. Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. Though life is not a penance and I want to lead a happy life and not mourn forever. I don’t have time to throw away anymore. Not that I ever did even though I thought I did.

    I don’t think things pass necessarily in time (though time does help to heal) but a positive outlook is the way I think – it might seem a million miles away just now but I’m sure you have moments where you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – focus on those moments. Keeping yourself in good physical shape is very important too I think. I indulged far too much and ended up with high blood pressure and was diagnosed as obese a a while back. Now I’m exercising and eating very healthily and I feel alot better for it. Eat well and exercise, go for walks as well. I walk in the city where no one knows me and just sit on a a bench and think and heal. Sometimes I buy a bus pass and sit on buses and think and try to heal that way. Sam I can see you have had

    Dimitri I’ve saved posts from here too to read them over and over again. It is good that we’re all together supporting each other. I am nearly crying as I am writing this, not from sadness but from the relief that I have found a sort of sanctuary where we can all be together and help each other. Imagine if we all met in the same room, that would be such a nice thing to happen. I think I’d feel very safe and at ease.

    I am going to work at relationships from now on and not focus on myself. Easier said than done I know! I carry alot of baggage and now I’m aware of how much it was affecting my relationships then I can work on it so I don’t make the same mistakes again.

    “Life is only as good as its relationships”
    is a saying I’ve always remembered. Don’t ask me who said it though! I’m going to be aware of that and work on keeping them good. Like you Sam. I made someone fall out of love with me. I thought that love always survived but it does seem possible to end it, or at least make it so tough that the other person just wants out, love or not. ‘Sick love’ I call it. That’s what I had for her. I want to be a proper boyfriend and care for the the woman I love and be strong for her and not mess it up next time.
    I think thats the best I can do for the future.

    Sam I wish you all the strength and caring you need to get you through this.

  • Sam

    Daryn, thank you, that was good to hear. As you say, I do see the light, the silver lining. But then every now and then, my heart hurts, I get shakey, and I want to cry. I actually spoke to him today but it did more harm than good as he was in a bad mood and felt it very easy to hang up on me. I knew that was the final ‘click’. He’s not coming back. There’s nothing left there. I know I have to move on. So I am trying. I spent the afternoon with my horse today and enjoyed myself. I bought salmon and pine nuts to eat (apparently they raise your mood?), and I spent time with my family which was nice. Good to be around people. But I think of him every few seconds. His voice, his smell, a look. Everything I look at or touch has a memory of him. It is very hard to let go, and I so much don’t WANT to let go!

  • Daryn

    Hi Sam.

    Yes I kind of felt safe in my pain in a way too. I didn’t want it to end because I felt it kept my bond with her aliive. I was very interested to read about Oxytocin;
    http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin
    I think leaving someone is a bit like going through a drug withdrawal. You become hooked on the bonding chemical (I’m not saying that’s all there is to love but it plays a part for sure) and suffer a withdrawal when the relationship ends. That has helped me cope because I look at it now as a case of beating an addiction…I think getting over a relationship REALLY feels like that!

    Actually I had a ‘last click’ experience too. The last time I spoke to my ex was on the phone. (It still feels strange for me to call her that) She too was not friendly and in a bad mood. I tried not to be upset or clingy but it was too little too late.

    Like you I wasn’t ready to let go and wanted my pain because it was all I had left, but in the back of your mind make a mental note that one day you will say “Ok I’ve done my mourning and now its time to move on.” I didn’t set a date for this, but I think just because I knew I’d have to do it one day or face a lifetime of mourning it helped …and I have already spent alot of my life thinking about this person. When it felt right I decided to try to end the mourning and move on and once I’d made that decision I told myself that I wouldn’t go back. I now try not to think of my ex – tho I still do alot but its not in the same was as before.

    I also now try to see the beauty and attractiveness in others. I see alot of really attractive people around me now whereas before I didn’t look and thought that my ex was the only one in the world. When I speak to them they are much nicer to me than she was and I can see a foundation and many possibilities. I see now that there’s a whole world out there and I either will miss out on it or move on and try to have a full and rewarding life filled with as much love and happiness as I can handle! : )

    Yes, animals are great to be around. I used to work with horses it was great fun! Dogs are good too. I went to the gym today then the swimming pool and had a nice healthy dinner. I definitely helps. The Pine nuts sound interesting I must say.

    Talk to others, even just chit chat on the bus or the pool has helped and I had a talk with my friend but I don’t really like to say too much to people I know, its just too much too soon to let others know just how bad I feel about losing her. I don’t get on with my family, which is the reason I think I’ve been
    too clingy. Not good. Still, gotta be brave!

  • Sam

    Ok guys I have advice for you all. If you have been following my post you will know that I had an intensely romantic six month relationship that ended leaving me feeling pretty sad. I knew that it wasn’t super long term but I still felt terrible. I am not ready to do it all again, but I have been dating casually, telling myself that it is only for friendship and making this very clear to the men I am seeing. (they usually don’t hang around for long when they realise I am not interested in more, but I think thats fair to him and to me.) It is great for self esteem, for independence, for practising social skills, and for getting yourself back to where you were before. Go for it boys and girls, dating WITHOUT expectations. Its good for the soul.

  • http://jjlove.com Kelvin

    I have been hurt too. we were’nt officially together but i loved her and she loved me. so i thought. then all of a sudden i never heard her. then months passed and we started back talking. that is when i found out she was dealing with a guy.

    i was cool with it, but unfortunately she forgot to tell me she still in love with him. so much so that she was’nt checking for me. and all the time i thought everything was going to work out. i would call her trying to get her and keep getting foolish excuses. i was blinded by my love for her.

    i eventually got angry and did sumthin really childish. hoping it would get her back. but that did’nt work. seems i never got the true story of what happened to the 2 of them until i read this blog. now i understand. but still i am angry.

    i have decided to move on and leave her to herself. cause checking for her will only depress me more than i already am. being in an accident and now someone playing with my feelings int something i can’t handle. the things i did to her i reversed. i don’t want anything to do wid her.

  • julie

    my hurt still living on inside of me i kno my heart can’t take no more of it. i still cry everyday my head hurts like hell i don’t want to put myself back in the place that i start to hate the look of food and i don’t eat, i love him so much. i wish i could turn back the hands of time, it seen i wanted him to be the one for me.

  • ladykatie24

    I let him hurt me over and over again, i asked him today why i’ll never be good enough for him? why does he always look elsewhere? he said he didnt know, he’s a piece of crap, but i love him more than life, this i have to remember is not and end it’s a new beginning to a new chapter in my life and i am going to rock it!

  • Sam

    Hi Daryn,
    Thank you again for replying. I think we are going through the same thing, but you are a little further on than I am. I spoke with him again last night and for about 5 mins the conversation is OK, normal ‘what have you been up to, who’s doing what etc’… then it disintegrates because I can hear him thinking ‘I don’t know what to say’, and me getting more and more desperate for a little ‘tidbit’ to show he still cares, or misses me, some kind of comittment on what the future will hold. I know about Oxytocin, I also know about relationships, and I’ve been in this position before. I’ve also been in his position (and hell, dumping the one you loved is almost as hard as having your heart broken!), so the double edged sword for me, is that I can logically understand what is happening, why, and what I need to do about it (i.e move on, give him time and in that time he may realise he still loves me and come back, but if not, I have moved on sufficiently by then not to worry about it). But to know all of that, and yet still FEEL is just tearing me apart. There is nothing I can physically DO to bring him back or to make the thinking process any quicker for him. I am not sure, because he is not sure, what will hold for us in the future. I want him back, and he knows that. But he can’t give me any comittment because he simply doesn’t know how he feels except that he doesn’t love me ‘enough’ anymore to want to be with me. I don’t know if that’s because he’s angry, or if his feelings really have died. Oh, it’s horrible not having anything to hold on to. I know I have to let go. But I really don’t want to. As you said, it’s like the pain is still a bond between us.

    Daryn I hope things come right for you one way or the other. I wish you wern’t hurting too, but in a way it is good to know I am not the only one.

  • Daryn

    Thanks Sam, yes I too have had to leave someone who loved me very much and it was not easy. My ex tho seems to find it very easy (or far easier than I did at any rate!) sometimes I even wonder if she does things to torture me.

    I too feel that I am the best thing for her but she doesn’t realise it. It not easy. Can you tell I’ve had a relapse ?! I sometime just was to just tell her everything and that would opeen her eyes to me but when I tried that thaty was when she stopped contact! Tho as Jose said there are good ways of saying things and not so good ways! I think I really messed it up with my emotional emails – she just so unapproachable tho when we are out together. Nothing, not a hint of warmth. Yet she will still talk to me about mundane stuff and even sometimes seem as though we could be together again! But I may be just trying to read things from just fine detail. When people don’t communicate you start to look for ‘messages’ in the silences or pauses or slight changes in facial expressions etc, it can get to a point where you have a whole conversation going on in your head derived from racking your brains to try to identify what it is that you’ve done or said that has annoyed them. Whereas at the same time they are just silent and may not even be thinking about you at all!

    I just don’t know how people can be so cold. When I left someone who loved me I went and gave her a cuddle when she was crying and we went for coffee and stuff together. We were just friends but I still helped to feel loved. I let her down slowly and built up her confidence until over time (and two boyfriends!) she finally just lost touch with me. She gave me her heart and I looked after it as best I could.

    What hurts the most is that now I see where I was going wrong I feel that if we were to try again it’d work..not only that but I think it’d be great! We could have a great time together.
    Its just such a waste. I still love her so much. You know sometimes I think I should have married the woman who loved me so much and not left her. I didn’t feel the same love for her but that may have been the old psychology of “I want the one I can’t have!”

    I hate this communicativeness and unforgivingness from her. This irreversable decision, I know that may be what I need to do (ie decide to walk away no matter what) but its not what I want, maybe I’m just holding onto the pain instead of holding onto her, which ironically was why she left me.

    Maybe this “New man of the 90s” rubbish is not all its cracked up to be. I think women want a man to go out with not some emotional big drama queen who is “in-touch with his emotions and knows how to cry”. You know, if she was one of the guys I’d be round there right now to telling her to wise-up and meet me in town for a good night out and by the end of it we’d be best buddies again.

    It wouldn’t work with her though because I have spent so many years developing my big emotional jelly side that she’s become so sick of the sight of me that it’d be a joke to suddenly turn up shouting “I’m a man now!”

    I’m so tired of all this. Sometimes I think she’s just a spoilt brat. Then in a few hours I’ll probably be trying to hide my tears on the bus into town. Its such a rollercoaster.

    Your man needs to learn forgiveness Sam. Though I know there is a school of thought that would say “Its over move on”. I always perfer to try to mend things, I know that that may be a futile exercise but it could also reap many rewards. I once read that we never fall out of love but that that love just gets blocked, I guess thats why I leant too much on people who loved me – a sure-fire way to lose those very people! To be honest, I am not sure what to think anymore.

    I felt better (and still do a bit) but I’ve definetely fallen back a bit. I think because i felt better I allowed myself to indulge and I’m paying the price for that. I out her on a pedestal and that was a big mistake when I was with her and now I am wallowing in my pain, but its all I have left. I allowed myself to think about the old days, I even walked around hoping I’d meet her by accident in town, also it was just to get to a place where I wouldn’t wallow alone. I’m not crying at work anymore which is a blessing. I managed to hide it, one guy noticed but he’s an old guy and said nothing – he’s probably been there before himself!

    Yes its good to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. I’m glad there are women who post their feelings on this site, it helps to see that we are all the same underneath. A girlfriend once told me that men and women were all the same underneath, I didn’t really believe her but I think she may have been right all along.

    I hope you’re pain is easing, its such a draining experience what worries me most is that at the base of it I have deep literally physical pain in my heart when I remember her that I sometimes doubt if can really cope with the reality of losing her. It still hasn’t sunk in yet.

    Thanks for your kind words they really help. Jose’s post really helped too.

    Do you ever wonder why we run after these people? Maybe you need to be “hard-to-get” to be attractive – in a way its sad if that’s the case. I actually do believe in old fashioned love and family. My grand-parents (on my mother’s and father’s sides) both stayed together for sixty years. They were (especially on my father’s side) VERY secure and the relationship was NEVER in question. I rarely see couples like that now.

    Things are a bit better than they were though, even after my relapse. I hope they’re getting better for you.

    Oh why is it so difficult to let go!

  • Sam

    Daryn I just wrote a whole long reply, but I forgot to put my name in and it wiped the whole thing grrrrr. Suffice to say, I agree that this feels like a physical pain in the heart. I don’t know how to make it better or how long the healing process will take, and I don’t know how other people can be so cold in the face of such emotion. All I know is that we have to keep on, just keep going. There is no other choice but to get through it. If, in time, we find a chance to rediscover what we lost, then it is a bonus. But for now we can do nothing but simply be. Just exist until the sun starts to shine again. I am glad we can share this way. You have comforted me, and I thank you for that.

  • Daryn

    I’m glad I have been of some help to you. Its good to just go on a site and talk about it all.

    Yes very annoying when you lose a whole reply! it happened to me too; I lost a whole big reply because I pressed some button or other and the page just disappeared.

    As you say its just a case of trying to heal. I am still trying not to think about the good times, its not maybe the best tactic to go over in your mind all the feelings of the past. More damaging is that I imagine me persuading her to come back to me. She just throws her arm around me and tells me it all ok and we’re friends again. Then of course I come back to reality and its really not good. I think the biggest problem is that it hasn’t sunk in yet that it might be finished. I can hardly type it out. I am trying to keep myself busy to not think about it too much. I go to the gym and don’t spend too much time at home. At the back of my mind I know I think I’ll get her back, it just scares me…if that doesn’t happen. I know tho (as Jose said) I am not going to die but ..oh I doesn’t feel like it.
    If she would just talk to me. I am a very communicative person and these silent types just kill me. I hate hate the silent treatment , but maybe thats just the sound of it really being over. I can’t face that just now.

    Yes just go slowly and safely.

  • Sam

    Yes, I think that’s the way both of us must go now. My ex agreed to meet up for a drink in a couple of weeks. He also admitted he misses me and has not ruled out a relationship with me in the future. At the same time he made it clear he won’t rush his decision and he can’t promise me anything.

    Because of this I have made the decision to really work on myself. If I stop obsessing, then when he speaks to me he will see that it’s not ‘all about him’ anymore. Plus, I will eventually start to feel better. Of course this won’t help at night as my days are filled anyway, but it’s at night, when the laptop goes off, the tv turns to constant game shows, my eyes are too tired to read, and I really should be sleeping anyway because I have to get up for work.. then the tears come, and they won’t stop. That’s the time I really need to feel him next to me, to hear his voice. And as you say Daryn, start to imagine him coming back. Sometimes I get excited on the way home from work, imaging he will suprise me at the train station, or there will be a letter waiting for me at home, or a text message on my phone….

    I have read and thought a lot about this the last few days. I’ve realised that although I am only now experiencing this loss, for him, it was over for a long time. He tried to work on it, he gave me lots of chances, and it was HIM who felt left out in the cold, unloved. I have got a lot of making up to do if he will let me. But he needs time, and I have to give him that.

    We need to both stay strong Daryn. I won’t always check this post, so keep in touch with me by email if you want, at thedawnbringer@hotmail.com

    Sam

  • Daryn

    Hi Sam,
    It sounds as though he will eventually see your worth. I had exactly that – at night when everything is quiet and i’m alone with my thoughts – then the real toyrure would start. I have been going through it for a lont time and eventually when she did finally meet up with me, during one of these times when I was alone at home – I cracked and sent her a big blubby email literally begging her to come back and to forgive me for not being a good boyfriend. It was that email that made her tell me she didn’t want to see me again.

    I was such a fool . I see now she needed a strong guy and not a weak child. Oh if I could turn the clock back. If I could get to where I am now in my mind without having lost her we’d get on great.

    I think, if you play it cool, you’ll get him back. A very wise friend of mine told me years ago to ‘play it cool’ with someone you want and you’ll get them. I wish I’d listened to him. I was of the mind that you should be emotional and expressive..of course there are different ways of doing this and I didn’t realize that I was doing it in a very immature way – ohh what a mistake. I tried contact a few times but it ended in her either not replying or just stopping the conversation. I have managed to instill in her mind an image of me as an immature guy who is not strong and unable to ‘be a man’. Tho I still think she is wrong to be so unforgiving, but I also know (through much experience) that no-one owes you anything – least of all forgiveness.

    I have had the daydreams too about her texting me or contacting me to say its ok…but it isn’t going to happen. I am still pretty much in denial…oh I can’t face it yet. I’m so tired. I still have news of her and stuff and feel our lives are still intertwined but it just that we’re now not even friends.

    I really feel she’s making a mistake because – like you – I am (and have) changed alot and ready to play my part as an equal in he relationship..but I am scared that the damage is already done and I can’t get back. I know her, she won’t forgive me.

    Its good that at least one of us will be able to salvage our relationship.

    Play it cool and be there for him, you know I think it sounds as though he wants looking after. A supporting partner who will see him through hard times. Subtly ‘Strong’ and not phased by life. Someone who will put her arms around him at the end of a hard day and smile and ask him if he wants a cup of tea and fall asleep on her lap when watching TV. Not a doormat but as an equal (or even slightly superior) – Do you know what I mean? Not all that 24/7 but a friend/confidant/lover to know is there for him.

    Just my two cents! But a point of view worth taking into consideration I think.

    Also, I’ve been poor all my life – its not so bad! So don’t worry about money. Life’s only as good as its relationships. You can’t buy love, i wish you could! I’d be out working every hour in the day to get her back.

    I’m glad you’ve made good progress.
    That has cheered me up a bit

    Its good to hear some good news. :)

  • Glenn

    Its been a month & 2 days since the love of my life left me, I miss her so much, I gave her everything I could & I aint letf the house since.

  • Sam

    It’s now been 3 weeks apart and I have come to the realization that it is over, for good. He was unable to express exactly how he feels when asked if there was any chance for us, so I figured I need to do the deciding and make it easier for both of us. I told him I don’t want to meet up after all, but that I would very much like to in a few months as we have been so much to one another, I’d like to work on our friendship. He became very animated at this point and had no problem opening up once I’d taken the pressure off.

    The last 3 weeks have been hell – I have been through the denial, stalker, want to kill myself because my world has ended, and anger stages. And now I am left with feeling very alone, almost abandoned really as we moved back to my parents till we got back on our fet – I kind of feel like I got brought back here and left, back where I started. Feel a bit like lieft has tricked me, in a bad way.

    Our relationship was beautiful at the start, and for 2 years. Get this, he gave me a rose EVERY SINGLE DAY for 2 years! We moved in together a month after getting together, and we worked and lived together 24/7. Then we moved to a wonderful house in the suburbs and got some kittens. We walked the dog together every day, cuddled up in oversized rain coats through the winter, and spent lazy mornings in bed eating crap and watching TV shows. It was not the most exciting of relationships emotion wise, but it ‘fitted’, we had a strong bond.

    Then we were made redundant, we were unable to pay our rent or other bills and slipped further and further into debt. We were unable to pay his mortgage from another house and this, I believe, is where it all started to go wrong. I was unable to support him emotionally with the house and the many re-possession threats, because personally I feel that a mortgage is a dead weight. His mortgage probs just re-confirmed all my worst fears and brought out the ‘I told you so’ side in me. It’s not what he wanted or needed to hear, and was point A in us growing apart.

    After that we had to move back to my parents, where we have been for the last 6 months. During this time I can honestly say we have not sat down more than one and had a proper conversation, not gone out together, and not had sex more than twice. Although we were living ‘together’ we were living totally seperate lives.

    During this time I do remember him coming to me, asking if I still loved him, and expressing that he thought we were growing apart. I denied all of this and to be honest did not even give it my full attention. I kept thinking, yes we are growing apart, but there is plenty of time tomorrow. When we have more money and our own place again, we can work on it. I put him, and us, on the back burner. Of course this meant I missed every opportunity to support and re-assure im when he needed me. He lost his best friend and experienced a lot of pain.

    So where I am at now is a bit more complicated than just heart broken. Because I was the one that messed this up. I took the perfect boyfriend, who loved me, and ignored his needs, to the extent that he fell out of love with me. I cannot forgive myself for this, for hurting him so much without even realising it, and for losing him through my own stupidity.

    Of course he is no longer hurting (there is some residual bitterness from what he has told me), but he is no longer in love either. I have made my apologies which were sincere, after much soul searching, and he has accepted them. He also admitted he has been guilty of not trying hard enough, and of bailing out now. But he says what we had for the first 2 years was so perfect, we can never go back there, too much has happened in between. He says he can see that I am beautiful and sexy, but he no longer finds me attractive ‘to him’. He misses kissing me and lying next to me in bed, and all the things we did together on a regular basis. But he chooses now to stay on his friends sofa, with no money (I always brought in the bulk of our income), and on his own.

    Sorry for the long post, but my thought were chaotic since we split, and now they are more coherent, writing them out like this helps me make sense of everything.

    I feel regret, both for the loss of our relationship, and because it was my fault. I am also kicking myself for losing the bst fricking boyfriend a girl could ever have.I mean seriously, a rose, EVERY DAY?

    I am moving on. I have packed up all reminders of him, except for our bed, which to be honest I’m quite attached to, I’ve started going out more, and got some new hobbies. I also admitted that I have been depressed and need to sort that out lest it affect my relationships again. I also know that this has been the hardest lessonI will ever have to learn, and that I won’t make these mistakes again. That when someone loves me, I have to treasure and nurture that, even when I feel down myself. If I see relationships start to falter, I have to notice it, and work to make it better, or I will lose it.

    I’m not in a good place right now. But I am in a better one. The universe gave me a massive kick up the backside and I am learning to live with it.

    I hope so much that the rest of you find your peace with your situations, heartbreak is so intangiable and therefore so hard to deal with, I send you my warmest throughts for recovery and resolution.

    Daryn, keep writing to me, and keep your head held high :)

  • Greg

    I just found a great site kinda like this that helped me get over my x. I think it was http://www.lovestoned.com

    G

  • Greg

    Just found a great site that helped me get over my x. I think it was http://www.lovestoned.com

    Greg

  • Slavvy

    My story is a sad one. My g/f was travelling around my country. We met, fell in love, moved in together. When she finally wanted to go home, she invited me. I glady followed my heart.

    Add to all this she is a sexual abuse victim, and of course had commitment probs. But this, for me, was OK. I supported, encouraged, and did all i could to be the ‘rock’ that held her up.

    So i find myself in a foriegn country 2 yrs later. My lady walks in the door, says , ‘thank you so much for everything you have doen for me, for helping me. I have done alot of work on myself, and i know now what i dont want……..and it’s not you. When can you leave’.

    Just like that. Over. Done. From all the frantic discussions on my part, all i got back was that she couldn’t go on with someone like me, and from arguments on the past (minor), that she ‘couldn’t get past’.
    I know from being with her in therapy that its easier to blame the ‘good’ man when it gets too good, and so pushing me away releases the ‘pressure’ from herself. And so, being alone will make her feel more comfortable.
    It really is hard to explain, but anyone who has been in theis situation, or is in it now, will surley understand.

    The hardest part, for me, is my head goes back to, ‘were those early arguments really that bad?’, or is it the abuse raising its ugly head? Sadly, i will never know.
    My ‘one’, the girl i waited for, is now gone.
    She txts me sometime to say goodnite. And as much as i like it, i know it’s so bad to do that. Does she still love me, or is it nice to keep me hangin on? Or – as a therapist explained, it could be her only way of being ‘close’, but still having ‘distance’, and not feeling cramped.

    All i know is, something very very very special has ended. And the days go on, the nites also, and my mind has let her go, but there is a part of me that cannot let her go.

    I pray at nite to wake up and be clear in my head, but it never comes. The conversations, the hurt, the questions – they do not go. Many people have said time heals. And i do believe very much in life, & new things. But something died inside when she left.

    As a man, you have to be strong, right? Yes it seems. But i dont feel that way.

    All i can say is, the birds do not sing anymore.

    To anyone who has had a relationship with an abuse victim – i am with you

  • Slavvy

    Sorry for the typos…..i have been speaking/writing danish for 2 yrs….;)

  • http://www.myspace.com/datgurlnisha Nisha

    Hey my name is Nisha im only 16 n my heart has ben broken very badly well i was with this guy 4 1 yr n about 8 or 9 months n we were n love he even took my virginity which is probally the hardest thing ta let go ov n my mind but n e way we have ben thru it all he cheated i forgave him he said it wouldnt happen again he did it again n like a fool i took him back AGAIN n now i feel like im finally movin on but its still hard i cru every time i hear a slow song or think ov him he meant the world to me i thought this was my true soul mate i regret ever meeting him n it hurts ta hve regrets n all i do is hurt cuz he was the 1 true n only love i knew n now he’s gone because he cheated once again…..

  • Mike

    My ex and me were the perfect couple.We have all in common,food,tastes,music,way of thinking i mean really E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.Everyone say that we were perfect for each other,always smiling and laughing together.Never a discussion.And one day she just say that she doesn’t love me anymore.I asked for a reason but she couldn’t tell me a little single one.She just say that i never have hurted her,but it was over.Damm,i know that hearts can change,but,i never had do anything wrong,i was very kind to her…romantic and attencious.She was my heaven,and even now i cant say anything bad about her.what hurts me is also because i cant guilt anything or anyone.i cant guilt myself,i cant guilt her…i dont have anything to satisfy my questions.im young(21-22) and i know that i will find another girl just like many times before but i havent lost a girlfriend this time.I have lost my best friend,my soulmate,my guiding star,my guardian angel.The only girl i was capable of doing everything for her(and yes im being honest…it had been a while since then(some months),im not in post break up fellings ;).)
    Even a few days after the break we talk like nothing has happened,cause the interection between is just perfect…do you understand my frustation?we were so happy when we were together…it was magic,we just cant avoid it.But im too honest and after sometime i couldnt be myself when i was with her..i cant deny what i feel for her.And after a while she just dissapear and doesnt say anything more to me,always avoiding me.I know that love is game of easy come and easy go but the problem is that we are humans,and everyone of us is unique and cant be replaced and i know that it will be difficult to find someone that could reach her.
    I have a friend that one time have said to me “i wish my boyfriend love me like you love your girlfriend,she is very lucky”…lol,now i slightly laugh of this but in that time remember this was like tear my soul apart…you all know like it feels like.i never had cried for a girl but this time it was inevitable.I know that maybe my story is just a drop of water in a big ocean,but i cant say anything bad about my relationship,about her,i cant find anything to conform myself.I wish all the best to you all and sorry for my possible ba english in some phrases,specially in verbal times.ouh and your post is amazing Sara,i wish you already have found someone that deserves you ;)

  • Sara Rose

    Yesterday, the man that i am in love with and saw myself spending the rest of my life with broke my heart. he moved on and seemed so happy with the new girl. the tears rolled down my face and didnt stop for hours. so tonight, when the tears returned, with almost as much emotion as the night before, i layed down to sleep. but couldnt because of how he was invading my sleep. so i got up and came and typed in how to mend a broken heart, and thanx to u, another whos name is sara, i am feeling a little relief. realizing that my feelings are okay, and hoping to get back on track soon. so thank you, and yes my friend. u totally rock

  • D

    Im not sure if the authors of this post are still keeping up with the comments but I love it! It is just what I need I think to start the healing process. I am going to save it and read it however many times I need to remind me that it’s going to be okay. The pain is so bad, and I can’t stop crying.

  • Slavvy

    Hey D,

    I thought i lost it all…and i really felt so empty. But lo & behold – you do get stronger. You will know you are getting there when you start to catch yourself smiling for no reason.
    and the tears? they will keep on, but it will get less and less :)

  • eddie

    Hello,
    i split with my partner 3 weeks ago. Im devastated , and going through so much pain and hurt , i feel betrayed , let down , angry , lonely , and most of all unloved.
    Im a muscular , strong man , hard worker doing a physical hard job. Today i cried in front of my workmates – they didnt say anything – they think im this strong macho man – but im not – im as weak as shit.
    I cry all the time like a little boy .
    I call her and beg to see her – but she says she doesnt want to – i get angry with her – then she puts the phone down – she says she no longer loves me – so i get angry with her – i get angry because im so frustrated that she will not take no notice of me and i get angry cos i need to explain to her what she is doing to me is hurting me – i have felt suicidal . I think if i wasnt around that she then would know how i feel about her and how much she hurt me – but then i would not have any chance of being with her again.
    I told her if she met anyone else i would kill him – i was angry , upset , head with emotions i cant take . Was thinking at the time if another man touched the women i love so much – it eats me up – thniking of her and him together – touching the women i love and destroying my life. I just come out with it to her.
    Its just one mad circle , and i dont know how long i can spin for , im not eating , im not sleeping , i didnt even have a bath last night , i was filthy too.
    She is in my mind 24/7 and she always will be – i know that .
    I have never ever loved a person like her do her and i was with her seven years and im going to miss her so so much.
    I only want for her to say ” Ed i love you” like she used too.
    You see , im different to you lot cos the only 1 person who ever loved me was my dad ( he died 3 years ago ) and i miss him so much – he left me and i felt angry – my mum never gave me cuddles when i was a child – though she did my brother and my sisters. My father was an alcoholic and i see alot of abuse but i was the only one who stood by my dad – cos even at that young age – 6 / 7 yrs old – i knew that drunk was not my real father but he had an illness. I NEVER slept in a bed hardly when i was younger – but slept on the couch downstairs waitng for my dad to come home – just to cuddle up to him – after the beatings on my mum – and occasionally my sisters – but only me once , the reason i did this is because my dad told me in the mornings – i love you son – and thats all i needed.
    When he died i onlyhad her to say “ed i love you” but please believe me when i say i became involuntary possesive( if theres such a thing ) over her – i could not lose the last person who loves me.
    Obviously , like i know now , this was too much for her , but i love her so so so much .
    Maybe i was put on this earth to be unloved or maybe to be unhappy and lonely. I dont want to die being unloved , it makes me feel so sad that im going to die unloved, im crying now , typing this , cos im so lonely – i want to be with my dad – the only person who loves me but the thing is i love that women so much and am hanging on to hear her say ” ed i love you”
    Im not that bad possesive person but im a 36 yr old man with that little boy stuck with me and im really a soft decent bloke.
    We are all here to love and beloved- is that to much to ask in this wicked world the short time we are here.
    Well im going to cry myself to sleep now if i cac , night all…………………

  • eddie

    hi again

  • Yvonne

    So, im with this boy and im not even gonna lie…he a playa. He got 24 kids with 10 different women. Thats 2.4 kids for each of them hoes!! Not gonna lie, im one of them. So i met him at kfc, i work there. He came and got some chicken, i asked him if he wanted mild or spicy. he said spicy, i said “i like spicy” From then on we were together like peanut butter and jelly. Im the jelly, he’s the peanut butter. So, then we been together for 3 weeks. thats when i found out i was preggers. And i said to him, “oh hell naww man you got me pregnant” And he was like naw im not the father. So i signed up for that show maury, you know that show? So maury never returned my call so I was like, “aww shit man” . So then I had my kid, and he didnt even show for the delivery. I was pissed, so now he come back wanting money. im like shiit no, im the one thats gots this kid. So now im like shit, i want that motha****** back. I miss him a great deal and my kid always like, “where my daddy at?” So, what should I do?
    Yours Truly,
    ***~~~Yvonne~~~***

  • M

    Hi everyone,

    I just want to say thanks for sharing your emotions in such an explicit manner. It really has helped this afternoon.

    I have just split up with the girl I love, my first and only love, after 8 years. Now that the realisation that she will no longer play a part in my life is sinking in I can honestly say that I have never known a pain like it. I wish I could burn all the happy memories from my mind but I can’t. I wish I could turn back the clock and do some things differently but it is too late. We have been through so much together that I don’t see how I will ever find someone that knows me like she does.

    Around 6 years ago her appendix burst after she was misdiagnosed and sent home from hospital which ultimately affected her chances of conceiving a child naturally. She was close to dying in hospital and had a year off work to recover during which time I ran up a lot of debt trying to cover our bills. We got over this and if anything it made us stronger but I suppose I always knew at the back of mind that this day would come. We were both so committed to each other but I always knew that she want marriage and children one day. Her sisters have both recently had children and I think that was the catlyst for her to take stock of her life. My family has a history of failed marriages and I was always dead against it, I honestly have never been so committed to one person in my entire life and I suppose I was scared that things would change. I was also scared of the next step of trying for children with IVF and I don’t think I could go through the heartache of miscarriages and failed attempts. Aside from that, the financial strain would be insurmountable for us as a couple.

    It was her birthday last month and I asked her if she wanted me to but her something when we went on holiday (I was planning on getting her a ring in Greece and proposing which was our first holiday) but she wanted a laptop instead so I spent my money on that. We had a heart to heart before the holiday and I told her that I what my intentions were going to be. After the holiday (which I thought was perfect) things changed almost immediately and she started going out every night with firends and pretty much ignoring me bar being civil. I thought this was becuase I didn’t propose to her on the holiday (I wanted to wait till I could get the ring) but when we rowed and had it all out she simply said that she isn’t happy in the relationship any more and that these feelings have been with her for some time.

    When I look back on the last few months and I can say that I never picked up on how close we were to splitting and perhaps I got in a comfort zone and took certain things for granted. I’m not the sort of person to look at a relationship as something you build on, or work at in steps. I have always been of the opinion that you live for the moment and enjoy it while you can. I never thought for a second that I wouldn’t grow old with her but now I must face the reality that my soul mate will has left my life forever.

    I am angry at the hospital for sending her home and ruining our life. I am angry at her for not waiting just a few more months when I would ask her to be my wife (a huge compromise and scary compromise for me) but most of all I am angry at myself for not doing everything I could to keep us together. She moves out tomorrow and I have one more night left of hearing her sleep. And one more morning of waking up next to her. After that I am alone, scared and absolutely devastated.

  • Yvonne

    okay so i like jsut left this message, and i really need some help so can you hurry up sara?? please i gotta get some help. i dont know what to do. so you know, just saying i got a kid and his daddy aint there so i need to get this done.

  • Yvonne

    okay so i like jsut left this message, and i really need some help so can you hurry up sara?? please i gotta get some help. i dont know what to do. so you know, just saying i got a kid and his daddy aint there so i need to get this done.

    Yours Truly,
    ***~~~Yvonne~~~***

  • http://www.saraost.com Sara the author of this post

    Hi everyone, wow, you all rock and are so amazing! I come back from time to time to read this and I am always so touched by the universality of love and heartache. I myself am broken hearted right now. (Trying to take my own advice.) I truly wish you all the best – don’t give up on love and believe that you really do deserve the best. :) Much love to everyone. Keep a stiff upper lip, keep going, and keep faith.

  • http://www.lovestoned.com chris

    I found this site which connected me with other heartbroken people and helped me get my x back.

    it was http://www.lovestoned.com

  • http://msn.com zain

    Hey am 14 years old am realy in a big miss i guess
    am realy depressed frustrated and i realy need a help i.. i am heart broken by someone i feel that everyone hates me i feel strange with everyone i dont feel comfortable when i go to crowded places or thier are many guys and girls who are the same age like me i feel that they’re looking at me and dont ever stop talking about my clothes my hair my smile..etc i am realy depressed i dont know what else to do except sending this comment to this website i dont think i am happy about my life i tried many times to kill myself and am realy seriouse about it realy need help :(

  • eee

    hey people, I am not new….my post was dated on Feb 14, 2008. I was devasted back than, double heart break, divorce and everything together at once. Thought I would never see the light of love again. I picked myself up, dusted off the past and moved on as a strong and independent single. I was very social, extremely self assured and secure. The turn of fortune made men flocking to me, it didn’t shake my solid heart. I didn’t expect anything, love was the last thing on my to do list. Somehow, through an unpredicatible twist of fate. A newly found friend turned into a lover. The best experience ever and yes I plan to stay with him for a life time. Just like that my heart is on its way to complete recovery. To all you folks with a broken heart out there. Stop dwelling in pain. Move on because love will come search for you when you least expect it!

  • Jenn

    Hi,
    I feel so bad taking everyone’s time, but I am hurting again and don’t feel like I can talk to my friends.

    Last year a man came into my life, and against that voice in my head, I fell in love with him. I am 35 and this was the first time I felt this way. We talked of marriage, of kids, of making a life together in love and happiness. Because of my ex, we were also keeping things very private, only a handful of people knew about us.

    So despite my trust issues, despite his then controlled mental health issues (OCD – intrusive thoughts) and despite the physical distance between us we started off building a life together.

    Things were beautiful and fun, he was all the things that I was looking for. A few months ago, things started to derail. We were not yet successful is altering the long distance part like we had hoped. He became more distant, not answering my calls or emails. Playing on my fears and insecurites. We took a break (not a break up) and he told me after that he had stopped taking his medication and as a result had returned to his isolationism, his hiding.

    He resumed his medication after finding a DR, but then last month, it happened again. I was in his town for an event, and when I stopped by to see him, he would not answer the door. The next day I got the email confirming that he was out of medication and ‘going to find the true him’. We had one last face to face conversation and he stated that he felt nothing for me, that he was an emotional void incapable of love and although I had brought joy to his world for the past year, he could not appreciate it, that he was bent and demented.

    My heart has been broken into a million tiny shards. I have tried to remember that his illness has propelled him to this place but my soul hurts so much. I feel like the fool for trusting, for believing.

    I was starting to come out of the pain, where every waking moment wasn’t filled with hurt and misery. No where close to moving on, just the place where you can get by. Then he sends me an email telling me that he is alright, still off his meds and just wanting me not to worry. That was hard.

    Then yesterday he shows up at my work (not to see me) for training. My heart was smashed again, the few pieces I had managed to put back into place were ripped away. He was speaking to another woman, a woman I suspect that in interested in pursuing him. I do not get the sense it is reciprocated. I said hi, he said he might call for coffee before he leaves. I knew he wouldn’t, and he didn’t. He indicated that he was not doing well, and I suspect that he was hoping the other woman would take the hint and figure out he wasn’t all that in to her.

    It seems that once I start making progress of any sort the universe is pulling me back to that spot where my heart break is intolerable. I feel lost, devastated and alone. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I want to feel like it is possible to find true love again, someone that wants to make me happy, that doesn’t want to hurt me, that wants to love me, isn’t afraid to show it and someone that wants all those things in return.

    I am afraid because of my age, this lead weight around my heart and because of my own issues this will never happen. I am scared.

  • megan

    I have let my heavy heart hold me in place for a long long time. I had given power to men that had shown me inner issues that I choose to clean up within. Now that they are gone and I am ready to listen to my heart no one believed that I was sincere and began putting me through hurdles of proof that I am truly ready to move on.
    I went back to the beginning of my road and spoke with the true desire of my heart only to be told about the procedures of dating.
    I do not blame them since they are the ones that helped me the most, and the issues that were inside were deep wounds.
    I am disheartened that they do not think that my thoughts are true, but what makes this worse is that I am not believed,
    So take the lessons that I have learned and move on ??? I am and am just at the beggining of my road and in shock to find that what my heart was telling me was on in me.
    Moving on feels so surreal and hurts like hell. but I have made the efforts to begin.
    reading the last post of July 2nd makes me feel OK,
    I am in shock and have worked so hard to get where I am at this moment.

  • megan

    This is in response to Jenn,
    The last man that I had a relationship with also had OCD as well as BI Polar. He was on a coctail of med each day and in the beginning of the relationship everything was fantastic, I also thought that he and I would be married.
    Even though I had my contributing factor that ended the relationship what I started to see about him I knew that I could not deal with.
    The OCD makes them go into thier own destructive thoughts and it does not matter what you say or do.
    His minds direction was so strong that he created events that did not happen. I could never truly hate him because of what he has inside and became grateful that I was not battling with mental issues at that degree.
    He is a wonderful man and everyone that meets him loves him, but when you get into the inner dynamic of a person at the level of partnership we truly get to see what these illnesses mean in relationship to day to day happenings.
    In the end I know that I could not handle it and am wanting a better relationship for myself.
    You deserve great things too.

  • Jenn

    Megan,
    thank you for your kind words. I have decided to stop analyzing things to the nth degree. I have decided to accept the positive aspects of my relationship with him, that they were real and genuine and that he really loved me and that I shouldn’t doubt that. This has made it easier to move on with my life.

    It is funny when the shift happens, when you can go from despair and isolation to the idea that there is light peering through the clouds, that hope still remains.

    Do I miss him, yes terribly. I miss the happy times, the laughs, the cuddling, the planning of a life, the hopes and dreams. I think part of the pain is the fear that letting go of the memories, that maybe there will not be times that good again. By opening your heart to hope you realize that won’t be the case.

    Thanks for helping me Megan, it is hard to deal with a breakup, let alone one that doesn’t seem to make sense because of mental illness.

  • Doug

    I see it is has almost been a year since this thread was started.

    I feel much like many of the people who have posted in here already, my story is much the same, met a girl..seemed perfect, we both said we felt like we knew each other forever. Soulmates.

    Reminds me of the childrens movie, The Fox and the Hound, we’ll be best friends forever…yep, forever.

    It was 3 years long in total, and about 6 months ago things started to unravel. She started growing distant, and I think when you feel anything slipping from your grasp, your instinct is to try and hold it tighter. That may work with a ball or an object, but with people, trying to hold on tighter just seems to push them away even faster, or seems from what I have learn’t.

    ANYWAY, blah blah, and one day, it ends…sorry, I don’t want to see you anymore..no good bye, nothing..it is over. That was 6 weeks ago now.

    I feel okay here and there, but, generally..I am not doing well. Can’t sleep, force myself to eat, feeling confused, rejected, low..all the same things everyone goes threw at this point I suppose.

    Tired of feeling tired, tired of thinking of her.

    The comments threw this thread all help though, I did have some great times, and I guess I am lucky in that I did get to feel like I met my soulmate, even if in the end, she wasn’t. There was a point when be both believed we had..so, I should just let her go and be happy. Easier said than done though

  • Doug

    Well, since I can’t sleep, for six weeks I have watched every sunrise and every sunset, they all make me think of her.

    I went on a day trip by myself, and as the scenery unfolded before me, all I could think about was her. I wanted to show her the world.

    I have tried meeting new people, but, none of them are her. It is not fair to them, I feel like I am using them to get over her, at the same time I am desperatly hoping for a spark with one of the new girls, hoping I can make a new connection as quick as possible. I don’t know if that is heathy or now, I just want the pain to stop.

    I made the mistake of visiting her blog yesterday, well it has been a year since her grandma passed away and I just wanted to offer her my condolences, so I did, just posted on her blog, ‘its been a year, sincerely hope you are doing well’. She replied, has it? I don’t remember anymore, thanks anyway though.

    She use to be so close to her grandma, all she talked about for a long time about the hurt, now she forgets? The blog I posted in, its self was about all the guys she meets just want to use her for sex, why can’t she meet a good guy…wait a sec, she and I broke up 6 weeks ago, I never pressured her to have sex, I treated her with love and respect all along. She did everything in her power to push me away, I don’t understand at all. Like I said, I knew it was a mistake to visit her blog.

    ANYWAY, guess I am just ranting now.

  • http://msn.com zain

    Ok am realy sorry for saying this but it’s not helping i fighted with my mom and am realy starting to hate her soo bad i realy need help am so tierd i just want someone to talk with i think that i wanna be close to my mom but i think she keeps on pushing me away cuz i think am not her favourite daughter thier is a big brother for me and i think she treats him better and she always spoils him gosh and i didnt talk to her since the last friday she doesnt even care that am not talking to her :s am soo nervouse and if my brother is in my place ofcourse she wont let him get sad or mad cuz i think he is her favourite help :s

  • http://msn.com zain

    btw i know am not writing about heartbroken subject but i realy want help please

  • Doug

    Zain, I would like to help you, if I could. How could I contact you though?

    I have no idea what you are going threw, just wish I could get a hold of you to talk more.

  • May

    Um Hello.

    This is random and I feel awkward typing this because I never do things like this. I just googled ‘how to get over a brokenheart’ and this is the first link. So I clicked on it. And I know what I have to do to make myself heal, it’s just nice to be reminded.

    And, since my face is hidden behind digital font separated miles from anyone of you. I feel safe saying this without feeling like anyone would judge me or my relationship.

    It’s just that he’s my first everything. First guy I held hands with, hugged, kissed, … everything. My first love.

    I met him when I was 14 and now I’m 21. And everything I know about love I know because of this man. And after a 6 year relationship I’m having a really hard time trying to be okay with all of this.

    Then I feel even worse because I’ve read the things other people have written about. And how there stories touch the heart, and I feel for not being able to handle my demons. And I hope that their pain heals before mine because what they’ve been through sounds rough.

    Although, I didn’t have a kid with this man. I did dream about it. And it was a part of my happily ever after if it came true.

    And now, I’m sad again. So I’ll typing now.

  • Doug

    May,

    I hear you, and understand what you are saying and about how you are feeling.

    I still remember when I lost my first love, it was rough. Do not think anyone else is worse off than you, a broken heart is a broken heart. I to know what I have to do, but it is hard to think clear and act appropriate when it happens to you.

    I will say to you what I am sure you keep saying to yourself, and what I keep repeating to myself as well.

    It will get better, it is not the end of the world and, when the healing is complete, we will be stronger people for the experiance. There are lots more people out there, we will meet someone new, sooner or later, when we are ready.

    You are a good person, there is nothing wrong with you, sometimes things are just not meant to be, there is not fighting it. Beating yourself up (I mean IF you are) gets you nowhere. Just keep that chin up, things are going to get better.

    I know you will be okay.

    Take care of yourself :)

  • http://msn.com zain

    thx i realy appreciate it i dunno actioly but r ya sure??

  • http://www.mindsay.com Doug

    Zain, yes, I am sure.

  • May

    I feel like a traitor to love if I give up. And just pathetic and sick that I’m trying so hard. And praying so hard. And I just want to be normal again so I can be happy and function.

  • May

    But thank you anyway, Doug. :)

  • http://www.mindsay.com Doug

    May, you are welcome. I know I didn’t say anything that changes anything, but, I don’t know, makes me feel a bit better trying.

    Wish I could do more..wish I could stop the pain. For us both.

  • Samantha

    hey Sara, I enojoyed reading your helpful advice you’ve given to everyone but I’d like some advice for myself because I’m in need of it at the moment.

    Long story short, I dated my ex boyfriend for a year and he was my first love, my first everything, literally! at first, it was perfect, he wanted to see me everyday, showed SO much interest in wanting a relationship with me, met me family, i met his, everything was amazing. I’m not going to lie, I got attached pretty easily and gave him my virginity quicker than I expected and I think that made me clingy. we went through so much together. but after the 2 months mark everything started to change. it was a drastic change too, it didn’t come with time, it just came out of no where. I felt like he wasn’t showing any interest in the relationship and he wasn’t giving any effort to make it last. He also liked his space which I know I never gave him. I loved spending everyday with him and I’m very affectionate where he is the opposite. He didn’t want to see me everyday anymore or call eachother everyday, he just wanted to breath alittle. This caused many arguements between us throughout the year and kept getting worse. and to be honest, he never treated me badly, he never disrespected me or got in the habit of breaking up every other day like alot of 20 year old couples do. If anything he made me feel amazing. he would always tell me how beautiful I was and how I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had. Which by that he meant 2 months girlfriends cause I was his first REAL serious relationship. I’m the first girl he ever brought home and introduced to his family and visa versa. Our families were relatively close. But my problem with him was that I was always trying so hard to make him happy throughout the relationship and I used to do everything for him. It was almost like I was his wife but we just weren’t living together. He broke up with me this year in January and I could have sworn it was over because he has ALOT of pride for a guy. I never imagined him comng back to me, but after 2 days he did, and ofcourse I went running back. We tried it again and it only lasted for another month before he broke up with me again and now it’s been almost 5 months since the break up. Basically he says that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore because he’s in college and he wants to live up his college years and also that he doesn’t want to ever cheat on me so he’d rather hurt me now than hurt me even more by cheating on me in the long run. I don’t even know what college life it is taht he wants to live up cause he’s not a talkative guy, he’s not like your average asshole player guy, he barely even has friends to be quite honest. But after he broke up with me I was so depressed I have been so devastated that I thought I was going to die. I lost 15 pounds the first month after the break up because I was just never hungry. Not only was I hurt by the break up, but so was my mom just because it would hurt her to see me crying all the time. And it affected his family also. I really was so close to everyone, I mean his mom called me everyday and she still after 5 months continues to call and says how much she wishes it would have worked for me and him but that she has tried to talk to him and there is nothing she can do about it. After he broke up with me though we attempted to be friends and it didn’t work out AT ALL. I kept wanting to be his girlfriend or nothing else so he stopped talking to me and said it was best to not talk for awhile till I could accept being friends and ONLY friends. So I finally stopped calling him and we didn’t talk for about 2 months. So recently I made the initiative to talk to him again and he told me how he felt. He basically told me how sorry he is for hurting me but that he still does not want to be with me in a relationship and that he wants to be my friend but wants me to move on. He also says that I’m the perfect girl for him but that I just came at a bad time at his life cause he’s only 20 and is not ready to settle down, but he says if he was older and ready to that he would settle down with me but that he doesn’t want to tell me to “wait” for him because that would be selfish for him to tell me. He comes from a broken home. His dad was a real jerk to his mom, so I think he doesn’t want to go through what his parents went through and he doesn’t want to settle down too young. So now we’re friends and we talk a few times a week and we hang out and yes, we have slept together a few times. He really didn’t want to do it at first because he knows how clingy I am and how attached I get that he said it was best not to get physical BUT I told him I would not get clingy and that I could handle being just friends with him. So I am trying so hard not to get attached and not call him everyday and show him that I CAN handle being friends without being annoying and clingy. Deep down though I AM attached to him, I’m just trying to act like I am not. It hurts because I’m still in love with him and want to be with him but he doesn’t want that. But I know that he does care about me. I’m not the kind of girl to sleep with someone with no commitment, but for some reason he’s become an exception. Maybe because he’s the only person I’ve ever slept with. I don’t know what to do. I mean I know what I HAVE to do but I don’t want to do it. I wish there was something I could do to make him want to be with me again. I think sleeping with him only makes it worse for me. I know the best thing to do is to forget him and move on, but I really just don’t want to move on. I can’t imagine being in love with someone else, sleeping with someone else, sharing so many good times with someone else.. I just can’t picture any of that with another guy but him. I wish I could fastforward time to when he IS ready to settle down and me still be in his life so that he could come back to me. Should I really just cut off all communication with him? Or attempt to be his friend (not sleeping with eachother) and see where that takes us? I really just don’t know want to do to make him want to date me again. I know this sounds crazy but sometimes I think I won’t be able to find anyone better. We have so much in common that it makes me love him so much. Like we don’t like to party, we don’t drink, we don’t smoke, we’re not your average 20 year olds that party and go crazy in college. We barely even have friends, I have more than him though. We’re kind of boring to be honest. We enjoy watching movies and going out to dinner, that’s a fun fruday night for us, not going to the club and getting drunk. And now a days I don’t think there’s many guys out there that are like him. Not a decent looking one anyway, not to sound shallow or anything cause I know it’s personality that counts but you have to be somewhat attracted to the person. I just don’t know if i’ll find someone like him that likes to do simple “boring” things like I do. I’m driving myself crazy. I can’t do anything without thinking about him. I can’t go out with my girlfriends without talking about him all night. I can’t look at my phone and wonder why hasn’t he called, what is he doing? I’m just going nuts and I don’t know what to do. If anyone has some helpful advice that would be wonderful.

    sorry for the length, but I tried making a long story short so you can imagine all the details I’m leaving out.

  • http://www.mindsay.com Doug

    Samantha, you poor girl.

    Your story breaks my heart, really it does. I think, for your own good and sanity, really, I think you should totally end it. I don’t think you will, you are still holding onto the thought that you and him will be together someday. I don’t know if that will ever happen, but from what you said he said, I really do not think it ever will. You are just friends with benifits in his mind now, he seems to really think you are okay with that. He may be sleeping with other people by now, well who knows, but the point is he does not feel the same about your relationship as you do.

    I know what you mean about having the same interests, I know when you feel so connected to someone it is hard to believe you will ever meet another person like that, but, still, wouldn’t it be nice to be with someone who feels as connected to you as you do to this guy?

    Again, it will hurt a lot, I am not going to lie, but I really think you should cut the tie, the longer you wait, the more it will hurt. He is going to move on, sooner or later then you will be left dealing with the hurt anyway.

    I can relate somewhat to just about everything you said, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with my first, and it didn’t work out..and I was sad beyond belief, but,I survived, you will to.

    I tried being friends with the last girl I was with to, and suddenly all this pent up animosity that just seemed to come from nowhere popped up..and after two weeks we had to totally end it.

    I hurt to.

  • lee

    well what can i say i was in a relationship for almost 2 years and all the i loves you’s one day came to i dont feel the same, then he left to work for a couple of days at another state and came back an asswhole again. he promised to come over when he came back since i had not seen him in a week and 2 days. he called with this tone that he was at the world and decided to take it out on me. he said our date was cancelled again because he felt like going out with someone else. later i asked him to please modify th simple issue of keeping his word, all i asked was that if he could not keep his word and promises not to make them. then he said that thats him and he could make them to break them..he was a total ass the whole time. then i told him that i couod not be with a man that does not keep his word and i was sone with him and his misery…it really hurts to wake up and see what happened who he turned on me and just crashed me…so many dreams for nothing…he treated like trash that day…i was there for him thru thick and thin…im hurting and he acts like nothing…..i was nothing……

  • Roman

    hi!At the moment I felt pain, depression and anger. Boy, the anger, the feeling where you just want to make life hell for your ex because they just stopped caring about you. Like that was in the plan when you first got together.All in all my heart was broken.
    It is shredded into tiny little pieces left for you to pick up. But can we get over a broken heart ?
    Loving this site for quite informative content and to all readers i am wishing happy life.

  • julie

    hi roman,
    it’s been 5 or 6 months that the love of my life walk out how i wish we was still together i missing him, my heart is broken but i’m living with my broken heart everyday. tears still stream down my cheeks. so 2 ans ur ques not so easy, i wish to be happy again

  • janedrew

    My boyfriend of a year broke up with me a week ago. He says that he is angry at me and resents me. We’ve been fighting a lot over the past 2 months and during those fights he would break up with me and come right back saying he didn’t mean it. I never took these fights or ‘break ups’ as seriously as he apparently did. I always felt that we were just going through a rough patch and it would pass because we loved each other. After we broke up, I contacted him and begged him not to end it. I promised that I would be more sensitive to his feelings and work on communicating better. I told him that I couldn’t face tomorrow without him. He said that he was too angry at me to give us a chance. He said that he didn’t think we could get along, that we were incompatible. I could see that he was extermely angry at me. He blamed me for every fight we ever had, it was all my fault. He said I didn’t listen and I didn’t compromise. At the time, I accepted all of it and apologized for everything that ever went wrong. He wouldn’t give us a chance because he was sure we wouldn’t work. I was crushed and devastated. I replayed the conversation after and I know that it wasn’t all my fault. We were both to blame but I didn’t think (and still believe) that it was irreversible. I miss him so much. We made plans to marry and have children in the near future. I don’t understand how he could have held such anger towards me all this time. How he could he say he loved me yet just walk away. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard not to call him or text him. I hold out hope that he will be back and soon.

  • lady

    hi everyone!

  • Louise

    It’s been 3 months since he broke up with me but the pain is still there! It’s like it only happened yesterday! I’m sick of crying over him. I just want him out of my mind. Erase all the stupid lies he promised me, get rid of the dreams we talked about together and watch as they all shatter as he throws it all back in my face, laugh and leaves me alone, confused and heart broken! I want to be able to find the person I truly love… I think I’ve been hurt enough times now, I don’t think I could handle yet another heartbreak!

  • Bonita

    Hi all,
    This page was just what I needed. Today I broke up with boyfriend and the father of my son. It was one of the hardest decisions I have made because like all of you, I love him intensely and dreamt of a future with him. Unfortunately it had got to the stage where we were unhappy a LOT more than we were happy so I know in my mind that I have made the right choice…but as we all know that doesn’t help with the pain.
    When you have a child with someone the break up doesn’t mean you will never see them again so you have to try to get over them while still having them in your life which I know is going to be difficult as I have been through this with my second failed relationship.
    I am going to try to be positive though as I have two beautiful children who are and always will be my reason for living.
    I have had my heart broken twice before…or broken my own heart as I was the one finishing it both times, so I know I wont die from this pain…God the first time I really thought I would!!! so in one sense it is slightly easier every time but then it is slightly harder to let another person in..and when you do and it goes wrong you cant help kicking yourself for letting them in! But I have realised that life without love is not life at all. I see no point in regretting the time I have spent with him as it is exactly what I wanted at the time and we had some fantastic times, we really did.
    From now on though my love will be for my kids alone.
    Even if one day I am ready I highly doubt any man is going to want to get involved with a woman who has two kids from two different dads!!!
    I just want to say good luck to all the people with broken hearts, it is so nice to not feel alone in this terrible time.
    Thank *insert deity here* for love, thank you for the power to really feel, really care and really hurt as it lets us know we are truly alive. When we are old all we will have is memories so lets all make the most of our lives and REALLY live. After all when you grazed your knee as a kid it didn’t stop you running again!
    xxx

  • Houdy

    Hi there,
    there’s only one road to get out of those feelings. I tried it and trust me it works…tell me if u wana know about it.

  • colocowgirl

    Dang… you hit the nail on the head.
    Broken hearts suck. But this was an important reminder that it won’t kill me and that this too shall pass. Thank you for your eloquence, your thoughtfulness and reminding me that I DO fucking rock. You are wise beyond your years…

  • Jennifer

    Thanks for writing this… I’m trying to heal my broken heart right now… I feel so stupid for letting myself get hurt like this. I know that I’ll get over it in time,but damn,getting to that “time” fricking sucks….

  • lilshell

    I am glad I came across this website. Your situations and experiences may just help me through my recent break-up. I am so frustrated because my boyfriend and I lived together, and I was so unhappy. He was an alcoholic and could get very mean. So, I finally broke it off because I feel that I deserve better but I can not stop crying. I have never felt so heart broken and my friends arent much support because they say ” You wanted it to end, why are you sad about it now” And although I feel they have a valid point I can not feel good about it. It hurts so much and I am so confused about my feelings. Now I just keep thinking ‘what if I was different, what if I just let him drink and dealt with it’ It hurts so much and I just want it to stop. Right now it feels like I will never meet anyone again and I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life

  • http://www.myspace.com/michelle Michelle

    A year later, Im still reeling from a break up. I was with this guy for 7 years and although he was not the biological father of my daughter, he became her daddy when she was 7 months old.

    He was the BEST. Treated me like a queen and supported me all throughout college, even grad school. We had plans to get married in the future (when I got out of med school). We struggled alot together and made it through. But somehow our relationship didnt. Temptation crawled in for him twice. His nice-ness often got him in trouble because women thought he was hitting up on them. And finally one woman sneaked through the cracks of his weakness and he cheated. Although I know he loved me genuinely, I left. He says he will never find someone like me again. Everyone woman he sees now he compares them to me. I was the “creme de la creme” —in his own words.

    I cant sleep at night. Im depressed. Thought about seeing a shrink. And what am I to do with a little girl who hasnt seen her “daddy”? Im miserable. I feel like dying and it hasnt gone away. A year has passed and I still feel as crappy. I cry everyday

  • Shana crowley

    Thank you very much..
    I ve been dating my bf for 1 year 7 months
    my bday is on july 31st and guess whart…

    heell dump me tomorrow afternoon…
    And ive been crying the whole day long….

    Thnx for your post….It helped me….Hpe it helps you to…

  • Scott

    For almost 5 years I spent my life trying to figure out ways to make my last relationship be the best I can offer. Built on a foundation of lust, it became something beautiful and soulful to me.

    We were coworkers who didn’t get along when we first met. I had been alone for a year and still had some angst towards women given my previous encounters with fairer sex.

    She was a petite young lass who always seemed to wear a frown and not want to interact with any of my colleagues. Later I had come to learn that she was in an abusive relationship and didn’t have a lot to smile about.

    Eventually we came to speak and enjoy one another’s company. Waves goodbye at the end of a workday seemed to wash away the burden of the day and leave a smile on my face for the remainder of my evenings.

    Soon our company Christmas party arrived and we both were in attendance. An open bar and exciting dancing on her part flipped a switch in my soul that night. She brought feelings out from under a dark blanket of bitterness I had buried some time ago.

    I had to be with her.

    We danced for a while that night and wound up in a corner booth talking and flirting. People began to leave and the bar finally closed down. I walked her back to her hotel room and went in to say “goodnight” then leave. That is exactly what I did.

    As time went on we grew closer and closer. Eventually I was ready to drop my guard and ask this young lady out. She was hesitant, but agreed to meet me after work. We met at a little German eatery close to work and had a wonderful time. To this day I still have the receipt from that night.

    That night we shared our first kiss. It felt like I had kissed the only woman on the face of the Earth.

    Obviously this led me to believe that there was something there so I pursued her. I noticed apprehension and a strange distance that would come and go though.

    To my dismay, a fellow coworker let me know that she was actively involved with another man. Still, I was driven to be with her.

    This would be my ultimate downfall.

    She had never truly confessed to me that she had been with somebody else when we started dating until one night when I received a phone call from her. Her “ex” had broken into her house and was waiting inside under her daughter’s bed.

    Obviously, I let her and her 3 children spend the evening with me.

    After that incident she filed to a restraining order and ended her life with him…or so I had thought. That was 4 years ago.

    A few weeks ago her ex’s brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. The next day she informed me of this.

    It came to light that her ex had decided to stop by her house the next evening. I would not have known about this if her daughter had not phoned to tell me he was over and had given my ex a cigarette (she had recently quit). This obviously hut me intensely. I felt betrayed.

    As angry as I was, I let it go. The next night I get another call from her daughter stating he was over again. This time I had to go there and get the truth as to what was going on.

    She swears she was just “being there” for him, but a mere year before she couldn’t say enough bad things about the guy.

    I do my best to make the pain subside and go on with our relationship. The following week he calls her in the middle of our dinner and she carries on a conversation with him.

    At this point I had had enough and an argument ensued. It ended with me being thrown out of the house.

    Granted, I said some hateful things regarding this ex creep of hers, but nothing worse than any other argument of this caliber has ever evoked.

    Now she wants to end it. I feel as if I have lost the meaning to my life because of a mistake I have made in not allowing her to spend alone time with the man that broke into her house and scared her children.

    Am I expecting too much? Is asking her to separate herself from this person for the sake of our relationship too much to ask?

    It echoes through this board, but everything I do reminds me of her. Lying beside her at night, the smell of her hair, the gentle rise and fall of her bosom beneath my arms haunts me every minute of every day.

    I have spent the last 3 nights with various friends and family trying to sort out my head. “Time will heal your sorrows” and “You have so much going for you” are not making the pain go away.

    I feel like I am in a race against time. Relief versus The Will To Live. There is a good pit crew behind me, but even the best can’t always win against the power of the heart.

    I am not a perfect man, nor will I ever be, but my heart is always in the right place. Right now it lies in my chest, broken in a million tiny pieces.

    Writing has always been a meaningful outlet for my pain. Thank you for giving it a home on this sad occasion.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net Chris

    My ex and I were together for 4 years. Lately, she had been becoming increasingly moody around me, short tempered and verbally abusive whilst our arguments, until I decided to call it quits. Well, like a sucker I end up calling her after 3 weeks apart…and she ripped me to pieces. Basically her message was I wasn’t making enough $$$ and wasn’t economically sound enough for her. Her exact words were “I want a guy who’s gonna bust his ass for me.” I work in the social services field for modest pay, while she works for a corporate tobacco company. A bit of a contrast there wouldn’t you say? Point is we were very much in love and spent alot of time together, and even discussed marriage. Then to hear those words come out of her mouth after all this time, after all the effort, after all my good intentions, after all my devotion & faithfulness…REALLY HURTS! Lastly, the thing that hurts the most is that afterall this time the bottom line for her was always economics and not love. She wanted a “daddy” not a partner… I have since vowed to get even with her by being succesful, without having to sell my soul, as she has.

  • Chris

    Very hard to imagine but my Wife of 11 years walked on me yesterday with our wonderful Daughter 6 and Son 3.

    I got frantic over money we don’t have and cannot pay mortgage. I would much rather have the Family than house.

    God I was upset but I wasn’t all that out of hand.

    I have the worst feeling in my stomach.

    My brain is scrambled.

    She won’t answer her phone nor her friend where I suspect she stayed last night.

    THE love of my life with my children….Gone

  • http://www.healthbolt.net Chris

    Hey Scott, one thing I learned from my sordid relationship with my ex is that when someone is so hard-wired with a personal agenda, no matter how well intentioned and genuine you were towards his person, selfish people will always have a bottom line that really doesn’t include you, but has only served to fill a void in them until they find what they’re really looking for. And in this world of takers and heart breakers, rest assure they’re gonna find just that, only to realize that what was “real” is now gone.

  • janedrew

    My guy came back a few days after he first left. Guess what? He broke up with me 3 days later! He said that he only wanted to work on our relationship problems outside of the confirms of the relationship! (???) I feel like I had my world crushed twice. He must really hate me. How could I not know how selfish he was. Sadly, I check my phone 20 times a day to see if he called. I won’t call though because I can’t make him come back. I must be strong! Must stop crying. Must focus at work. Must try to enjoy the things I once enjoyed. I know I’ll be ok but just not now…

  • Delou

    I must say that every heart knows its own pain. I am inlove with a guy at 64 and i am 34 but he is having a relationship with a 20 year old and it hurt like hell.

  • chris-aka Bonesntx

    My Wife came back with the kids.

    She went to Friends and blew off her anger or whatever. Spent the night there partying and pool/hot tub.

    Not cool at all to leave me wondring all night where they are…I suspected but you don’t know til you know.

    Dang wacky…Thank goodness for her new happy pills as this occurs less often now.

  • http://www.healthbolt.net/2007/08/16/how-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/ losing faith

    I think I have lost hope and I don’t know if there’s any way to get it back. He broke up with me and I am 41 years old with two kids and I feel like I am running out of time to find the right one, I feel like used up damaged goods that nobody will ever want. I want HIM, nobody else anyway. I have been trying to start over and find someone new, but there aren’t that many to choose from where I live. Lonely and very SCARED.

  • Left

    My best friend of seven years is leaving to take a job in NC. (I am in PA.) He claims he has no choice, but I am devastated. He won’t talk about it and all I do is cry. I am a breast cancer survivor and 40-something mother of two. He was with me through my entire cancer experience. He is simply the finest man I’ve ever known. Now he’s leaving and I am left.

  • Darky

    This is a great post and has helped me today. Thanks.

    I am in great pain – still, after more than two months. I fell in love with her two years ago and we lived together for more than one year. Mostly we were happy. I was anyway. She was my light and my life. I seemed more committed to it than her, but she would reassure me and say she loved me and that I was just being insecure. Near the end we kind of stopped having sex, except when her body needed it. It had been so good and healthy prior to that. Eventually she just seemed immobilized. She sat on the couch and did nothing but watch TV. I went to work and paid for everything and cleaned and cooked and expressed my love to her. One frustrating day I finally said, “You don’t do anything but sit there and talk about leaving. Maybe you should just go.” She went. I never wanted her to leave, I just wanted to know that the relationship meant as much to her as it did to me. She wouldn’t negotiate or try again or anything. She suffers from depression. She still wants to be friends and because of her condition and also because I am still in love with her, I still see her. Only problem is that when I do see her I want to hold her and kiss her and be with her on an intimate level again. She seems resolute on the one hand, but still kisses me and hugs me with great affection. She says she still loves me – as a friend.

    Having seen her yesterday, I wrote to her today to say I still love her passionately and can still see a possibility of moving forward together, but if she absolutely does not feel the same, I must move on. I’m confused and hurt and a bit broken. I’ve grieved heavily and cried a lot. I’ve quit smoking for four days and am eating. I even put on some weight, which is good because I’m kind of emaciated. I want her back and there is nobody else but I don’t want to stay on my own. I’m somewhat isolated where I live and am open to any advice, suggestions, wisdom…

  • janedrew

    Darky, if she’s depressed, she may not be in a position to give you what you need from her. Until she becomes healthy and fulfilled as an individual, she likely won’t be able to reciprocate in a relationship. As for being friends immediately after a break or break-up, does that really work? That’s usually one person hoping that the other will realize that they love you and the other being selfish – not wanting to let go yet. You have to reach down inside yourself and get the strength that you need to truly give her time to heal herself. It’s not easy – I know but it’s the only way. You can’t make her depression go away. You can’t make her happy again. Only she can do that. In relationship, we (everyone) has to accept limitations. We can only do so much. We can’t make our partners love us. We can’t fix everything. The best thing you can do is try to move on with your life and hopefully your partner will seek help for her issues and maybe she’ll come back…but if she doesn’t atleast time would have helped your heart heal….

  • simon

    This is a great site that I have kept coming back to over the last few weeks and now I feel its time to post as I could do with some advice. Our relationship has been over for a month. She told me 4 weeks ago today that it was over. We have been together since 2003. On her birthday in May 07 she told me she was not happy, I wasn’t giving her the attention I should, she dumped me, a few days later she called me and asked me to come home, days later I found out she was having an online affair, although she never met the guy in person it did a LOT of damage trust wise. On her birthday this year she turned round and said that she was having doubts about getting married (date was set for 22nd Nov this year) I reacted badly, assumed that she was going to say she wanted to break up again and I pre-empted it and pushed her basically into saying she wanted to split. I moved into my dads house, she called me 4 days later, I came home, she sat on the sofa, sobbed her heart out and told me she didn’t want it to be over, like a fool I sat there hard nosed, not showing any emotion an said I wanted time to think, that she had hurt me too much, the following day she text me to say the waiting was killing her and better to call it quits. later that week whilst I was cancelling the wedding reception she called me, as I was passing the house I called in, she was in the shower, she got out and started sobbing, she cried and begged me to stay and again like a fool I just said I should go and walked out of the house, leaving her crying her heart out. I was working away for a week straight after and realised I didn’t want to split and that I wanted her back, I went to see her as soon as I got home and she agreed after quite a lot of begging on my part and moved back in, at the time she told me a guy at work had kissed her during that week but I brushed over it, I just wanted her back. I found out a few days later that it had been a lot more than a kiss (although I don’t think it went as far as sleeping together) and I went mental, trust was broken (again) and I didn’t know what to do, I basically walked round in a daze pushing her away. Two weeks later she told me it was over and left. Days later jumping into bed with a new guy! Today I am at the point where I know what she did with these other guys was wrong and I don’t think I will ever forgive her for that but what I am really struggling with is how I behaved. I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me, I truly believe she was the one and I don’t know how to deal with this. If I had not pushed her into saying she wanted to split, if I had acted better when she asked me to come back both times, if I had put my arms round her, told her how much she means to me and said I know she is sorry, I feel this wouldn’t have happened and I would still have the love of my life. How do you deal with this??? I hate myself right now and am lost. Still not really sleeping or eating. Lost 16 lbs so far (am a bit over weight so not too worried about this) but I just don’t know how to get over this. If anyone has been in a similar situation ANY advice they can give to help would be great!

  • lilshell

    I made a post before and was a little disappointed that I didn’t get any replies. I truely need help. I am an emotional reck. I really hope someone will find it in there heart to reply to me and help me with my situation. If you read my last post you will see the reasons my boyfriend and I ended things…I am so heart broken, I am wondering if I did the right thing. I am so lonely and wish we could work things out. Obviously I can’t be with him the way things were but I wish so much he would stop drinking and be with me. My current depressing situation is that I am leaving for california tomorrow and I really wanted to say goodbye to him. I pretty much stooped to begging him to come see me and say goodbye. He just keeps telling me “I want to but I think it will make things harder” I dont believe that he feels that way because when we first broke up he was the one wanting to spend time together because it is so hard. but now that I need him to see me, he wont. I dont know if there is someone else but i am so heartbroken. I just cant believe he cares for me so little he cant say goodbye, and I expressed over and over how important it was to me and I “needed” it. I just want some advice on how to deal with this. It would really help me if you guys could reply…

  • Doug

    lilshell, I really don’t think anyone can say anything to help ease the pain. I am thinking he is right, the best way is to just cut the cord, saying goodbye might give you hope that he changed his mind or something to that effect.

    I am sure he cares for you, but not in the same way anymore, he is trying to make it as easy as he can, in a situation that is never easy. He doesn’t want to give you any sence of false hope, I think anyway.

    I know this is going to hurt you, and there is nothing that I, or anyone else, can say to stop that pain, only time can heal these wounds.

    I personally would try very hard not to get involved with someone else untill you are over this guy, just you may inadvertanly bring emotional baggage into the new relationship and it could hurt the new relationship, unless he is knows what happened and is very understanding.

    Sometimes, things are just not meant to be, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on, that is the only way.

    Like the first post on this page, you rock! You don’t need him, and time will help you to stop wanting him, just it may take awhile.

  • Jeff

    I came across this site as I’m debating on how I’m going to get over my totally broken and shattered heart. My boyfriend of 2.5 years has cheated on me again, and I just found out yesterday. He was texting another guy back and forth of 60 times in 2 days with pics, and other texts that I still don’t know what they said. After many hours of sobbing, my bf confessed that he hasn’t loved me like he used to, doesn’t know where we went wrong, and thus has been having “anoynmous ONLINE” sex with guys. I am absolutely crushed.
    I truly thought when I caught him back in May he would have stopped since he saw how traumatized I was.

    I am such a good guy. I have a heart of gold and my bf was so good to me in the first year. I can’t let him go but I am so so so sad. I don’t know what to do. I’m 31 for God’s sake and I’m crying like a 4 yr old. This man knows my family, my baby nieces, my friends, everyone in my life. And they all love him as much as I love him.

    Why would he do this to me? Why won’t he just leave? I asked him why he didn’t leave in May and he said he was too worried that I’d hurt myself. So instead, he’s made me hopeful again that we would work out all for me to just find him lying and deceiting me.

    He comes home in an hour to give me his final decision – I asked him to let me go so that I may one day find someone who can love me. He said he loves me he just doesn’t know anymore how much he loves me.

    And I know all of you reading this are thinking “well, duh, leave him!” But you guys, he was such a good man to me. I don’t know where we wrong. AND he is the only person I have ever loved.

    I pray and pray and pray to God that God takes away my heart. I will do ANYTHING to never love and feel pain again. ANYTHING.

    Sincerely,
    Lost in Dallas

  • Jenn

    Dear Jeff,
    I am so very sorry for the loss you are feeling. My heart breaks for you. Before it gets better it is going to get worse. Unfortunately you are in a pattern. If you stay, there will be a honeymoon period where all goes well, but ultimately you will find yourself and your heart in the same place you sit today. I kow it hurts, I know it sucks.

    I know because I am there with you. Not the cheating, but the pattern, things were amazing in the beginning, then apathy, things were good, then back to apathy. Only difference is he kicked me off the ride. I know it is hard Jeff, but things with him will not get better.

    What has helped me though has been the support of my friends. If I let myself think about the great guy he was, I just fall apart and want him back desperately, I have to keep telling myself the things I keep forgetting, like not answering my phone calls and brushing me off for days. You basically have to reprogram yourself into focusing on the other person’s bad traits.

    This is not easy, it goes against our nature. We want to believe the best in others and we inadvertently train ourselves to believe there is no one else out there as good. I am still working on overcoming that one.

    Jeff you have to preserve yourself though. Maybe 31 isn’t too old, I’m 35 and he promised me kids and marriage. I hope 35 isn’t too old.

    I send you a big hug and hope you know you don’t struggle with this alone. There are people who understand you are going through some of the worse pain and that you have some hard decisions but hope you have the ultimate courage to do the best thing for your long term picture, recognize that he isn’t all that into you…. but that there is someone out there who will be.

    Jenn

  • Jeff

    Jenn,
    Thank you so much for this. I needed to read it. Today has been a bit of a whirwind. My boyfriend came home from work last night and said he wants another chance to see if we can work. He even brought up going to a psychologist/counselor which I’ve been wanting to do for weeks.

    I told him this time is different – even though he hasn’t physically cheated on me (so he says), the sexual emails/texts/pics back and forth to this other guy are the same as cheating. I don’t know if I can believe him.

    In all honesty, I truly thought he would take this chance to break it off completely. I gave him the total out – he could leave, I would be okay, and lets just move on so he can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. Yet, he told me last night, he realized how much he messed up and that he doesn’t want to call it quits yet.

    I told him I will give him one more chance. I have to you guys, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and for a year of our 2 yr relationship, he was such a great boyfriend. I know this may be too much info, but we haven’t had sex in over 8 months and last night, we did. It was truly odd yet needed.

    I don’t know what the future will hold. Right now, if I’m truly honest, I don’t know if he’ll stop. He told me he’s going to end it with this “online affair” and I told him I am emailing this guy to let him know I know everything that’s going on – my bf didn’t like that idea, but tough, he will have to deal with it.

    I know you all may think I’m stupid and this will never work. It’s happened twice, and as far as I know and believe, it’s never been a physical affair with these 2 guys.

    I’ve given him EVERY reason to leave and break up, yet he wants to get professional help (both of us) and see if this can be salvaged. So am I stupid for trying?

    Still Lost in Dallas…

  • Jenn

    Jeff,
    not stupid, hopeful. I just hope it is coming from a place of hope and not desperation to have someone. Sometimes when we are hurting it is hard to tell the difference.

    You have to do what makes you happy. Only you know what that really is Jeff. I hope you find what you are looking for. Relationships are work and maybe that is what yours needs. I hope you find happiness, I really do.

    If you were stupid for trying to fix your relationship, then we would all be stupid for even trying to start new relationships in the first place.

    Hugs
    Jenn

  • http://www.xanga.com/skimmyfears Sam

    My girlfriend broke up with me, saying that she hopes to work on herself, wants us to be together in the future, and she still can see us getting married. I can’t believe her lies anymore. My heart aches so much, blaming myself for being too needy, and not expressing my love in the right way. I want to become detached like she is, but I can’t. I wake up crying with a feeling as if theres a knife being twisted into my heart. I want to be angry at her, to hate her, but the grief of losing someone I had bared my soul to is too much for now. And it wasn’t like this. It seemed like I was always there for her. When she was depressed and had her panic attacks and when she became suicidal, i was the one coaxing the rope from her neck, coaxing her into her bed to sleep. Yet now I’m the one who needs help, and she can’t be there for me.

  • http://www.xanga.com/skimmyfears Sam

    My situation seems the same as Darky’s. We are “friends” and whenever I go over I feel like holding her and kising her too. And she reciprocates, yet she cannot say she loves me, and all this intimacy starts to feel so cheap. What do I do? I want to give her room, but at the same time I’m deeply in love with her, and I want to be the one to help her through her struggles with depression… She hates how I want to spend time with her, yet she reciprocates and offers intimacy, and promises me promises that I don’t think she wants to fulfill. I’m so confused, hurt, and so devestated. I dont know what to do.

  • janedrew

    Sam, I know how you feel. My ex now wants to be friends. He wants to date me without the pressures of a relationship. I, of course, love him immensely and am almost tempted to go for it. But, I know its not what I want. It’s what he wants. It’s all on his terms. I’m so sad and depressed, I wake up in the night feeling a profound sense of loss. The only thing I know is that I deserve better. I am beautiful, intelligent and funny. Why should I have to settle? Sam, you know what to do. It’s not easy but you’ll do it for you.

  • Bob

    Eight months and I’m still crushed.At 46 it was my first true love.I went on a dating rampage to no avail ,she’s always there.
    I think all these postings could help and I appreciate everyone’s thoughts.
    I did learn a few things.

  • Bob

    Eight months and I’m still crushed.At 46 it was my first true love.I went on a dating rampage to no avail ,shy’s always there.
    I think all these postings could help and I appreciate everyone’s thoughts.
    I did learn a few things.

  • B

    ..

  • B

    You know…everyone says that time heals all. I think i’m at that stage where i’m so sick of hearing that. i want to scream whenever someone says that to me.
    it’s incredible how much someone can feel for another person. and when that love isn’t returned, it hurts like hell. it makes u feel like you’re worthless.
    i’ve been in one very serious relationship and one somewhat serious relationship; both ended with them leaving me for another woman.
    so….there must be something wrong with me right? or else….why do they keep leaving me?
    i’m 26….and though no one would guess it from looking at me…i’m lonely and very hurt.

  • Mike

    “It has been said,time heals all wounds.I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity),covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.But, it is never gone”.

  • s.

    i am glad i came across this web site.. I was in an amazon relationship with this great guy whom i’ve been friends with for 16 plus years, i always had felling for him but was afraid to tell him because of the friendship. we did the booty call hook ups over the years which was fine till back in oct 07 after not seeing each other for 2 yrs. then we started to date, well everything was great wonderful and perfect then i fell in love with him, he did the same and well he got scared and well pushed me away.. and he broke my heart this happen in april 08… i saw him in july he was happy to see me then 2 weeks later thru a text message he said the most mean thing to say to me, it was hateful and cruel. this broke my heart so bad it tore it up, because we always let it as we would stay friends…. he told me it is to hard for him to be friends and to see me with out being with me. that hurts too…. now it is aug. and the pain i feel is a gut wrenching pain i wish i was dead he loves me but is afraid to be with me because he does not think he is good enough for me… he said the mean stuff to me because he wants me to hate him i will never hate him…So i wrote a letter to him to tell him i forgive him and will love him forever no matter what… I cry everyday and i cannot move on because i am giving out that there is hope for us….i am late 30′s and so is he…. some people think i’m nuts but i know in my heart he loves me… friends of ours do say he misses me and fell like shit for what he did… knowing that does not help because he still is not back with me and the pain i feel to lose a boyfriend and a best friend is so unbearable and it sucks.. i wish it would get easier but who know that only god does… i do pray to him to help me and him … so i feel for all it hurts and only we know what it is and people need to let us find the right way to get over them in our own time… but it hurts to cry and the pain is so real it cannot be explained…….

  • Tiffany

    Hi,
    Yep it happened to me too, now for the 4th time in my life! I don’t want to believe that all men are not worth trusting, but my heart is so leaning toward believing that. Well, I took a chance with a man who was 15 years older than me, and wasn’t my “type” (appearance wise, culture wise, etc), but he was very nice and fun to be with. We ended up being really good friends at first, then it turned into being together everyday. When I started getting emotions for him I told him, but he didn’t tell me the same thing. He said he liked me a lot and cared for me. I didn’t press the issue because I figured he was afraid to say anything, for fear that this “good” thing we had would end. I continued to see him. Six months later he finally told me that I was his gf, and he wanted no one else but me, and that we would just go with the flow. I tried to discuss this with him many times, but he always changed the subject, so I was patient….Well, the same day he tells me this, I spend the night with him and then I discover that he has been going on craigslist, and other websites looking for romance. I totally blew up! I cursed him out and all the thoughts that I had held back all this time just flew out. I felt better at the moment, but here I am the next day, broken hearted. Really thinking about how much I miss him and trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. The sucky thing is, I have to see him in class for these next two semesters. How am I going to deal with this. In my opinion, its so much easier to get over a broken heart when the person isn’t in your face everyday. I need some advice and some encouragement. This is an awesome website and all things mentioned above are true! Thanks everyone!

  • s.

    tiffany
    that sucks the way he lied to you and he did it knowing he got caught.. I think he wanted an easy way out and this was the easy way out… Did you ever find out if he saw anyone from the websites or was he just looking?…

    Mine on the other hand does love me but is scared and afraid of commitment he got burnt really bad from a relationship and it messes him up…. with me it so right it scares me too and him but i know in my heart some way it will work out… i know i found the love of my life and there will never be another he is the first one i ever said i love you to and he will be the last. I pray that it will work out… the scary part is what if it does not then what do i do…..

    is there another way you can take a different class so you do not see this person???good luck i’m glad i am not the only one in there world that feels like this….
    i do feel like i am being punished… sucks but everyday brings new hope i will he from him….

  • Tiffany

    S: He swore that he never met anyone or emailed anyone and that he was only looking. Matter of fact, one hour after I left my post he came over and was apologizing. He says that he still wants me to be with him and that he doesn’t want anyone else, and begged me to believe that he didn’t contact anyone. Unfortunatly there is no way that I can change my courses. Im in a nursing program and they make us lottery every two semesters for our courses. What we end up with is what we have to keep. Do you think I should give him a chance?

  • s.

    hummm… thats hard… you need to ask him why he was looking in the first place, ask him is he happy, ask him if he loves you then why do feel the need to look when you are right in front of him…..he should be able to answer, if not then tell him you feel that if he cannot answer then you need a break from him, so he can figure it out why he did what he did…. then when he has an answer talk about it…… he did this to you.. you did nothing wrong he was the one who is the ass…. if it was me i would do this, it is hard… but remember that school is more important.

  • s.

    mike i agree with you…. time does not heal it just cover it up……i have them man of my dreams everything i ever wanted and need… on he end it scares him to love me and he pushed me away because of the fear… he loves me very much but in the end he ran.. that hurts more then everything in the world, he was my best friend and i lost that right now…. i pray everyday and night for help to help us….. that is all i can do… i feel like i am being punished but i have know ideal why….. why you can love someone but be afraid to be with the one you love i do not understand that……

  • Praveen

    i been dating this amazing girl since last 6 months.. but from last month or so..whenever i text her she gets mad and she asks me to stop texting and bugging her..she stopped calling me too.. this all happend after her parents founf our about us dating and they told her never to talk to me again..i love her so much..what should i do..

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com Jose Gonzalez

    Hi Praveen,

    Unfortunately, the truth is there is very little you can do. The reality is that the only person you have control over is yourself. The girl you talk about has made a decision (for whatever reason) and only she can change that decision.

    It sounds like you may have been shut out with not much explanation. This can have you turning this issue over in your mind endlessly. But you already know this will achieve very little or nothing.

    It’s pointless trying to second guess what really happened. For some people, the fear of letting their parents down can be hard to overcome. This could be the reason for her behavior, but either way it’s not relevant: it doesn’t change the situation.

    What you should take note of is this: don’t take it personally. Her decision may be related to family pressure or other reasons entirely – not you personally.

    One thing I would perhaps try, if YOU think it will help you, is approach her – after a while – and simply ask for a reason, in order to get closure.
    This can help you move on faster sometimes.

    If you do contact her however, be calm and cool: don’t make a nuisance of yourself. Start by stating that you understand and accept her decision, and that you’re not contacting her to change her mind (remember that YOU can’t do that). Then state simply that you deserve an explanation.

    Of course, she may not tell you the truth (for whatever reason) but there is a chance that you will get closure.

    Having said that, don’t make this thing about closure – you may not get this ever. Instead, work on yourself a little, learn a new subject, take a break and keep the mind busy.

    Closure may be a bonus, but don’t make it a goal.

    All the best
    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • Brian

    im 23 and my girlfriend of 5 years just calls me and tells me she cheated on my and that she would be leaving me. and then hangs up.THAT HURTS then i call her a week later and still nothing she wont tell me why…DO I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHY??and any other suggestions to keep me moving on?

  • brokenhearted

    Brian,
    I am going through a similar situation. My ex of three years cheated on me and we tried to work it out but couldnt. Then he moved out and is with another girl. I am so messed up over it. It hurts when someone can just move on after all that time.
    I know you want to know why but closure is over-rated, what difference does it make if she is in love with someone else or just not in love with you… think of all the possible reasons she could have done this and ask yourself if any of those reasons would really make you feel better?
    As for moving on, I could say what everyone always says “Get a hobbie, focus on yourself etc” and although these suggestions are good it doesnt really help you to feel better. I think the best way to work through it is to understand it I found that reading about the 5 stages of grief helped me. I know they are more applied to death. But you have lost something valuable too. So read about the stages understand them and remember that there are millions of people going through this too and it isnt possible that youll be the only one that doesnt get over it. You will just like I will and everyone else on this page will

  • Leslie

    My whole life was wrappe up in this man. We were together for fourteen years. During that time he was not faithful to me, but I stayed with him. When it was good, it was amazing. He met someone else about a year ago, although I knew nothing about it until seven months ago. They are engaged to be married in October. I am devastated – frozen and unable to move on. I go from extreme anger to being so overwhelmed I cannot function. I have pulled away from my family and friends. I have no idea if I can get over this. I am angry at him, but mostly myself for letting someone do this to me.

  • Leslie

    I will never let myself get close enough to a man for him to hurt me again.

  • Doug

    Leslie, I know this will not make you feel any better, but I am a guy and I went threw the same thing, 12 years married though. I did get over that relationship after, I admit, a long time. It took me about 4 years but it has made me stronger in a lot of ways.

    I just had a 3 year relationship end on me with no cheating, just things changed and it is just as hard as the 12 year one with cheating. I don’t know if its going to take quite as long this time though, but I am going threw emotions like no tomorrow still. It has been about 5 months since my 3 year relationship ended.

    Just hang in there, if you have a heath unit or crisis intervention program where you are, take advantage of that.

    I know you can pull threw, I know its going to be hard, but you can do it.

  • s.

    i need help i have been friends with my guy for 16 plus years and we had the hook up over the years but then las oct 07 we dated and the best relationship ever and he was always the love of my life and i know he loves me, i never really told him but then i did and he pushed me away and ran i know he is scared and afraid of commitment…. with me it so right it scares me too( i was always afraid to tell him on the fear of him leaving me and ending our friendship) we right now we have nothing, no closure nothing at all…. i know this with him we our ment for each other and i know in my heart some way it will work out… i know i found the love of my life and there will never be another he is the first one i ever said i love you to and he will be the last. I pray that it will work out… the scary part is what if it does not then what do i do…..what i need to know is what can i do other then writing a letter telling him i forgive him for hurting me and i have heard nothing from him what can i do other then pray that he is okay and other stuff… why do men who tell you they love you( not in some many words but they tell you)they run away from the best thing ????????

  • Doug

    S, I don’t think you have anything to lose by telling him how you feel about him. I know there is risk in losing the friendship, but it sounds to me like you pretty much have already. Send him a letter telling him how you feel, and how much you care for him.

    It is not just men who behave like that, it is people since I am a guy and I wondered the same thing as you about the woman in my life. Seems we all are just unlucky and not meeting the right people for ourselves, but we can’t help who we fall in love with. Just seems the world is cruel that way.

  • Denise

    Really need help getting over my husband our marriage was doomed from the start. He drinks heavy and when he drinks he will try to fight me. 1 time I went to jail by myself, 2nd time we noth went to jail I was charged because of the scratches that I put on him but the charges were dismissed and the 3rd time he went to jail I pressed charges because this time he hit me with his fist and never done that before. At that point I was done when he got out of jail he called me and willed me back into the web. But I know this is a doomed relationship he has consistly talked to other women over the phone and has even taken them out on dates and I have walked in the place where he was having drinks with another woman. Talked to some of the women on the phone over the years I guess I like to punish myself with a man that I know doesn’t truly love me because if he did over these 6 years I would not have been through all this drama. So first of all he wants to blame me for his actions instead of taking the responsbility of his on actions. Now I have myself in a bind because when he was in jail I moved out of the apartment we shared together to be safe because at the time I was very scared and now I am comfortable again. But when I closed the apartment moved in with a friend that didn’t pay her bills so she got evicted and this left me without a place to stay so now I am at an extended stay hotel and really trying to make it. One thing I forgot to say is our sex life is dead has been for atleast past 3 years and I still stay with someone that doesn’t love me or desire me I must be 1 of the biggest fools ever. So yesterday he claimed that he was tired from working and needed to sleep I work over nights and was about to leave and he stated that he wanted to drop me off and I was upset that you couldn’t spend time with me but now that I am going to work now you have the energy to go out or meet up with his girlfriend is what I told him and then he stated to drop him back off at the place where he stays then calls me about 3am and tells me to pick up the food that is at the home of the person that he is living with when I get off. This is truly the last straw for me I need to get over this man my heart is heavy and I truly don’t want to be this way I just want to move on but not sure I can do this because as soon as he calls I want to answer or I call him right back.. This has got to stop I can’t continue to go on like this. I truly need this chapter to end and stay closed…

    HELP…..

  • Leslie

    Denise,

    I understand what you are going through. For some reason, even when we know it is not healthy for us, we cling to someone we love. We ignore what everyone else sees and tells us and continue to believe that somehow this will work out. It does not matter how many times this person hurts us, we keep on believing. I did that for fourteen years and I am still far from over him. He lied to me, deceived me and cheated on me. I turned my life upside down and now he is with someone else and I am struggling to get through this. It is getting better, but still hard. The best thing is to surround yourself with people who do love you and have your best interests at heart.

    I wish you well – I know how painful it is.

    Leslie

  • Leslie

    Doug,

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am sure I will get past this. I do have some good friends and a great family. I tend to pull away and lick my wounds by myself. I spend a lof of unhealthy time obsessing over what he did to me. I know that if he came to me and asked me to come back, I could not go back to him. He is the epitomy of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Probably the thing that upsets me most is that I wasted a lot of time on this relationship.

    I wish the best for you as well.

    Leslie

  • Tiffany

    Denise,

    Hello. I recently got out of a relationship that lasted 7 months. The issue here I found was that he was keeping his ex-girlfriend as well as me. To make a long story short, what helped me was to sit down and tell him exactly how I felt, ask questions, and watch his response. If there was a response, watch the body language. The body language will “Show” you exactly how they feel about you. So, in my case, he showed no remorse and wouldn’t give an answer to my “Why” questions and etc. Now for you…Love makes us blind and usually the only way we can close it down and move on is to put things in our face. Example: finding evidence that they are doing what we think. In your case you found that. So, I feel that the true problem behind your not moving on is that you are afraid to be alone, and because of the abuse he has inflicted you with (cheating, hitting, verbal abuse, etc. “yes cheating is abuse.”) your self esteem is shot and you feel that no one wants you. It’s pretty clear that you feel this way because you see what he does and have not moved on. What you need to do is 1). Tell yourself about YOUR good qualities and how much you are worth! 2).Look in the mirror and see how beautiful and sexy you are and say this to yourself! 3). Know that there are men out there who want a good woman like you and have been searching for you 4 ever, but they haven’t found you because this MONSTER has been keeping you prisoner. 4). Treat yourself to a pedicure, manicure, new hair style, new outfit, etc..anything to make you feel like a different person. 5). Ask a relative if you can stay with them and save your money to get your new place for your NEW LIFE. If you have family, more than likely the reason you haven’t stayed with them yet is because they wouldn’t allow this “HUB-Monster” of yours there, or you couldn’t bring him there, or you and your family don’t get along. Make it so you cannot invite him over, or tell him yes. 6). Change your phone number (this should really be number one lol). 7). Start dating. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. I’ve been officially broke up with my ex for almost a week, and I’ve been out and about keeping busy, and atleast 3 men have approached me! So believe and know that you can do better, you deserve better, there is better waiting for you, and YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THIS MARRIAGE AND HAVE A LIFE! YOU DESERVE THE BEST! The storm is over now sweetie. Only positivity, happiness, and love awaits you! Enjoy your new life darling.

  • Denise

    Thank you for all the words of encouragement I know that I need to stop clinging what I did do is turn all my phone off so he couldn’t call me. Checked to see if he called but never called him back which is a milestone for me because I am usually at his beckon call. Then I checked the message and all he wanted was the beer and liquor that was at the extended stay hotel. So I brought that to him and then he needed his work clothes also dropped those off to him. Then I told him that if he wanted to stay at his friends house then that is what it was going to be not going to be doing any of this back and forth stuff with him. He stated that I hurt his feelings and that is why he left. Stated I told him that he doesn’t do anything for me I told him that he made that up and I am not going to allow him to lie me. I told him that he had some plans and when I told him he couldn’t use the car he had to come up with plan b. He tried to accuse me of sleeping with someone and I told him the one the screams the loudest is the one that is doing it not me. But now I need to continue not to call him this is the only way to forget him put distance in us as well.

    Thank you very much for your comment…

  • wanda

    well heres my story, 1 week ago i put my fiance on a plane back to australia , where he lives , i’m here in the state ,he came here on business , totally charmed me ,after some time together he had to go home , we cried for each other, he was determined to get back here, said he would leave no stone unturned, he proposed to me from there i excepted from here , we were madly in love,had to wait 3 months to be together again,we became best friends beautiful lovers and we went to church on sundays , this man was a god send, he looked after me and got me thru hard times and invested thousands in our future, only he was married ,i never thought it would go this far , he was only passing thru, but after 25 yrs he asked her for a divorce as i was his third affair , but a more serious one for him obviously , they sold thier home ,ended their lives and he came back here on july 3rd until last monday , i was crushed i cried like a baby, 2 days later hes trying to make it work with her again , he says it feels right , he said this with me too and was really torn between the 2 of us , i’ve cried since everyday , we planned a future , i started walking alot to change my routine , i’ve got to get past this ..any advice please???

  • Leslie

    Wanda,

    I am so sorry and I know what you are going through. I was with a man for fourteen years – ten of which we were both married. We got divorced from our mutual partners and were going to be together forever. Well, he is now engaged to be married in October to someone he cheated on me with – was not the first time he cheated on me either. I loved him completely and was committed to him. He, obviously, never felt the same way. It does not matter what anyone tells me – what a jerk he is -I am devastated. It gets better, but it is taking a long time. My best advice is stay away from him – no communication – do other things with other people. You cannot detach from him if you are still communicating. Do not think things will change. He will not change. You will get over it.

    Leslie

  • wanda

    thanks leslie but what do i do with the ‘ svens babe ‘ tattoo on my back and i have his personal childhood things because i truley think he wasent sure if he would come back or not , should i just wait awhile , he truley is a good man, but wasnt happy in his marriage , i scolded him for cheating on her to begin with

  • Doug

    I had a 12 year relationship where my ex wife cheated on me, so there are good guys out there, and woman just as mean and self-centered as them men you both knew/know.

    I am not here because of that, I have posted above already though, 3 year relationship ended on me, she left me, and she did not leave me for another man, so, in a way I find it even hurts more than the cheating, this girl rather be alone than with me, makes me feel pretty rotten, wondering what is wrong with me.

    We will get better, time will heal these wounds. Just know we are not alone.

  • Leslie

    It is so hard. I have good days and bad days. I am so angry. I never wanted to hate him – I have never hated anyone. The one thing I have learned is that if a guy will cheat on his wife or his girlfriened with you, he will ultimately cheat on you. I have blamed myself for all of this. I think I not attractive enough – not smart enough – and on and on. I sabotage every relationship – I trust no one. Not even myself.

  • Doug

    Leslie,
    Please do not put yourself down. You are human, we all make mistakes, I agree, dating someone who has cheated on others sounds like a bad idea, but you thought you would be different for him, don’t blame yourself for giving him a chance. He is a jerk, he does not seem to value people or love, he does not deserve you or your love.

    Trust yourself, just try to make better choices in the future, you will meet more people, but for now just think about getting yourself better, do some things that make you happy.

  • Kirk

    Hi all, Broken heart hmmm yah… I feel that and it’s been a two months now… Me and my Girlfriend split, went out for 3.5.. I know nobodies from a broken heart but i feels like dying.. Na really. You can’t get sleep… properly.. dreaming.. and the worst part is when u wake up because definately you know you will feel the same. We actually split a day before our anniversary. I never cheated on her but her parents are racist to me.. we actually decided to talk about our future that we might run away but due to some issues something was holding us from doing that. Both her parents were about to have surgery. She was in alot of stress specially Uni…. I told her I will never give up on her what ever shes happy with thats all matter to me.. She said to me few days later a day before our anniversary to open my email.. the way she said, that i felt it was coming… i knew.. it will be the end.. and yes it was. … welll… i wish i could tell you guys more.. but its too much.. but im glad that I am hurt because I felt real love for the first time. check my gift to her suppose to be for our anniversary.. it’s on youtube.com search TNC7 title My Love… .. thanks for the time reading.

  • Bruce

    Great post Sara. I was friends with the girl I fell in love with for 6 years. She was in a relationship at the time so I had to keep my feelings hidden. When she and her fiance broke up I told her how I felt but she did not reciprocate. I’ve been depressed for the last 6 months as this is the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve come to realize that it is time to move on and find someone else I can love and who can return my feelings. The hardest part for me was forgiving myself for all the emotions I felt…love, jealously, self-doubt (what’s wrong with me, I’m a good guy.). I am finally moving on and experiencing different things. I have come to realize that although I will never completely get over the pain, it did subside and I am a better person for it. Thanks again.

  • Shah

    This post has to be the best one I have ever read. It has now lasted over a year.
    It makes me feel like I’m not alone.
    It’s been 2 weeks and 3 days since my girlfriend and I split up. We had a great relationship for 4 1/2 years and lived together for 2 1/2. It hurts so bad!!! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and everyone at work looks at me like I am a different person. I walk around like a shell of a person as it feels like she took my soul. Everyone keeps saying “it’ll take time.” I wish I knew how much because the sadness sickens me.
    I am up by 4am every day/night (whatever) in a cold sweat. I am trying to just get up and go to the gym by 5am so I don’t sit in bed and sulk. It’s helping, but not by much.
    Its amazing, I don’t know if I miss her or just having the same life again (I miss her).
    My world is so sad these days. So lonely. I wish I had good friends, but even they have gone by the way-side (so much for “good”) as I am left alone. I haven’t had “bad” thoughts, but it takes every ounce of strength to just get up and face the day.
    I suppose all we can do is bear the pain and hope that one day it will be better.
    I am reading a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. It helps put things in perspective. I highly recommend it. It was written in 1959 and describes the authors own experience between 1942 and 1945 when he went through Nazi death camps. He watched his parents, brother and pregnant wife perish before his own eyes. Yet he lived on when he could have given up. He has a theory that humans “cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it and move forward with renewed purpose.”
    No matter how hard. We must go on.

    To everyone on this post and to the readers:
    You are not alone in your pain. But we must go on. Why? Hope! It’s my new reason at least. Cry, laugh, walk around like a shell of yourself…just be you. Never let anyone change that person because it’s your soul.
    Out of the billions of people on this Earth there is no one exactly like you. Take pride in that. It makes you unique. It makes you….YOU!
    Peace and love.

  • Ann

    The best thing about this post is that just when you think youve lost the plot and have definalty got something seriously wrong with you – an email pops up with the latest suffering soul and it like a light has just been turned on, you realise that your not alone, not going mad and defianlty going to get through it……….. thanks everyone for helping me through a crap 9 months ……….. am feeling a blast of Gloria Gaynor “we will survive ” about to start :)

  • Leslie

    I just read Shah and Ann’s postings. It is in some strange way comforting to know that I am not alone in this and I am not really crazy. I do not sleep and when I do, I dream of him. I keep thinking if I move to another state or a foreign country, it would help. Everything I do, everything I see or hear, reminds me of him – even commercials. I cannot watch tv, listen to music – even read. He is getting married to this other woman in October to the woman he cheated on me with. I found out about her during the holidays last year. He had lied to me for so long. I have little self esteem left. I struggle between wanting to be my old self again and just not wanting to wake up. People think you can just “get over it.” I feel like that is just telling someone with a broken leg to just shake it off and get up and walk.

  • Doug

    I am with Leslie, I am very broken and while the post is inspiring, I am still in so much pain, that it is almost unbearable.

    I just tried to fine someone who wouldn’t break my heart, and I though I found that person, we use to say we felt like we where the missing piece to each other’s life, like we where born to be together, we completed one another.

    One day, hey…I don’t think this is going to work…good luck!

    Wait..what?*shattering heart goes here*

    I suppose I still need more time.

  • Leslie

    And I know I am not doing anything to help myself. I just called his office to hear his voice. I hung up when he answered. He sounds happy. I have to move on. I just don’t know how.

  • julie

    if you really love him leslie, you’ll have that pain for months to come. i’m still trying to get over my lover. i still love him, when ever i’m sad and lonely i write a little note but i’ll never sent it to him. when i’m in de club ever person looks like him, and i still wonder will it be ever over for me.
    i give that relationship my all, you have to pull yourself together and remember he move on without you it hurts oh yes i do and i know of that pain. it’s time for you to make yourself special go out buy things make yourself pretty dress-up from head to toe and live for you, it helps.

  • Shah

    There are good days and then there are bad. I wrote that post last night…woke up this morning and said “today’s a new day!” I lasted about 3 hours. My friends were supposed to take me to a baseball game tonight. I was so excited. Finally, I can go and be normal. Well, not really. They left about an hour ago as I dropped out because I just couldn’t do it. I don’t think anyone has the answer. Books, websites a best friend. I am realizing that the only way to get through this is to just hope it gets better….and I do hope! I would do anything to be “normal” again. I guess that’s it though…my version of normal is gone. Won’t ever come back. Just like Doug, she just up and left. After 4 1/2 years she just gave up. My world is totally different. Julie’s right that just writing helps. That’s what I’m doing as I sit at my desk at work and wonder why I’m like this. I went back to this post and I decided I’m going to spill my heart. AHHHHH!!!!! This hurts so bad! I guess I will keep moving and try to hold my head up high.

  • Leslie

    Shah,

    I am so sorry, but I completely understand. Today I acted like a total freak. I have two days off. I am making a wedding cake and groom’s cake. Do you think my heart is in this? Hell, no. I called my HIM three times, but hung up or never left a message. He is happy. I know he is. He is happy without me. I need to be happy without him. I love him so much that a I hate him. What a freak I am. I will get over this. I have to. I cannot live like this forever. I did lick the mixing bowl and felt better for about five minutes, then sick to my stomach. :)

  • Doug

    Leslie, just be careful, I know here we have caller ID, I think your EX could figure out it is you who is calling him, you could get in trouble for harrasment.

    Just a note, I thought I was okay when I met another woman that seemed to really like me. Things seemed to be going well, but then when we just started getting intimate and I lost is, I started crying, begging her to never break my heart, yes, I was acting like a total freak to.

    So, things cooled off quickly there, but I am still talking with that person, I just have to worry about fixing me, doing what makes me happy and not get involved at the moment. I just am not ready yet.

  • Leslie

    Doug, you are right, but he only answered once. The other two times he was not in his office. He happens to be a juvenile court judge – that makes it even better. I am definitely not harrassing him – today is the first day in months I have dialed his number.

    I, too, have dated and I am currently sort of involved iwth someone, but my heart is not in it. He is nice and seemingly a great guy, but I am so non-trusting. Like you said – just not ready. After all, my last relationship was 14 years – how do you just throw that away?

  • s

    Sometimes, things do not get better. I had my heart broken 20 years ago, and I still wake up in the middle of the night crying, with my heart pounding, feeling desperate that I have lost her forever.

    I don’t have any answers for you, except to say that the world is unfair and uncaring and sometimes good people get crushed and destroyed for no reason at all that I can see.

  • J

    So-I used to be a total love cynic, positive that it didnt exist, or if it did was so rare, it was practically extinct. Then I met him, and after years of carefully guarding my heart, my mind, pretty much all of me-he smashed down my defenses,told me he was in love with me, wanted to marry me, and start a family and I made the mistake of loving him back. He moved-Im supposed to be joining him there ( leaving my family, friends everything) and I know theres someone else ( the magic of facebook). He still says all the right things, just less frequently. I dont know what to do. I hate him so much right now-but under it all theres that love. I want to run him over with my car-and at the same time say screw everything else and just go to him. Some advice would be great.

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com Jose Gonzalez

    Hi Brian ad others with a similar issue,

    Although closure feels like a natural way to neatly organize events in our minds, we don’t always get it, so we must always be prepared to go on without it.

    Think of closure as a concept – a way to do things. It’s not the ONLY way…

    Whatever your other half did, be thankful that the TOLD you about it! Can you imagine if you found out about the cheating 2 years from now? How many things, time, love, money, commitments would have you put into the relationship from now through to the next 2 years? All of which would have been meaningless once you found out about the cheating…

    THAT would hurt even more… so be glad you were told straight away, and concentrate on YOU now. Closure is a distraction right now – forget about it. There may have been no meaning behind the cheating – it’s pointless asking why. Does it really change anything for you at this point? If not, then forget about it. If it does, don’t expect to find out and don’t bother your ex about it. If she wants to tell you, she will.

    Hope that helps.

    All the best
    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • b

    Everyone seems to have an answer and many are good. But everyone’s situation is different and general answers can’t cover all of them.

    I just lost someone after 20+ years due to my own short comings, after letting my marriage of 16 years go in hopes of being with her.

    Now I’m totally alone and to be honest would rather be dead. If it weren’t for my fear of God I would be. So I suffer at my own hand.

    So now i live like I don’t care and I don’t really anymore. I’ll walk down bad town street, let them try to take me. If I loose, I win, If I win, well, it’s their bad afterall.

    I do miss my kids but they are better off without my anyway.

    I never expected hardtimes to be this hard.

  • Shah

    b, giving up is to easy. I feel your pain though. My buddy took me up in a single prop plane the other day to try to take my mind off of things. All I did was wonder if we would crash and ask myself did I really care. Inside we all do. You care. It’s to easy not to. Remember all the suffering and bad in this world. People dying of cancer and aids everyday. I am watching a good friend who is barely 32 fight cancer so hard. She was told this week she has less than 5 weeks to live. Yet she fights everyday. Life is to precious. Don’t look the gift of a roof over your head and the computer you type on. There are kids in some places that can’t even eat on a regular basis. The world is a cruel place. But someone has a reason for it. Just remember how your kids would feel. I know you think their better off, but I lost my dad at a very young age and I would give anything to have another day with him. Anything.

  • chris

    “b”

    Come on….Get over yourself. Whatever you have done so bad it couldn’t really deem suicide. Suicide hurts so many and not the one who does it. I have two friends that thought that the way out of a temporary situation. The aftermath and wast is unbelievable. I don’t care if you do it but I am sure someone would.

    Get on with life…you have another part of a day left and maybe more days.

    I’m in Hurricane ravaged Texas where people have lost everything but still hanging on for tomorrow.

    However bad YOU THINK it is, it will likely subside and if you get unwrapped from yourself…Maybe another partner is in your path.

  • b

    I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how complex your conversation was. I don’t belong invading. I do deeply apologize.

  • Barry

    I don’t care who you are, if you need to reach out I’m here. I’ve been heart broken too. But I’m a good listener.Just reach out please.

  • Barry

    I’ll be back online tomorrow morning.I hope all Angels sleep well.

  • Doug

    b, *hugs* stop being so hard on yourself. I do not know you, but I know it takes two people to make a relationship work, I am sure you are not to blame alone in the ending of yours.

    It is hard, no matter what and no one can solve anyone else’s issues. This is something that you have to deal with, but I agree with chris, ending your life is not the answer.

    Try hard to be stong, you can do it, things will get better.

  • http://na PAW

    The man I love has gone away and hasn’t called me in 6 weeks. When he left he said…don’t worry, then, jokingly…don’t get your hopes up…I’m not done with you yet. So I smiled and let him go. Now his phone is not working and he’s simply dissapeared into thin air…

  • http://na PAW

    Next week my vacation starts. I want to see him so bad. I know the town where he is living, 2 hours away…I sent him a letter, at his Post office box…telling him i want to see him and to call me or i will wait for him at the park in his town at 3:33 p.m.
    I feel like a little fool and a ninny for throwing myself at someone who obviously doesn’t care about me. But I can’t help it, if I could only see him for one day, it would help I think. I feel ashamed of myself for being so weak. I should move on..but I don’t think I can…

  • K Rock

    I am a 37 year old male living in MA. I was recently told by the girl I thought was the one that she had been trying to tell me for a few weeks that it was over. Its a long story but I love her so much. I am lost with out her. I waited a lifetime for her to come along and I lost her. I have not eaten for like 8 days i think, nothing. I can not sleep or work. All I do is sit around staring at my phone hoping she text me or called. There is this big ache kinda feeling deep in my stomache that wont go away. Let me tell you this…when people think the stars line up for them like I did..dont believe them. I did and the stars lie to you…they suck you in then collide and burn you every time.nothing will ever be the same. One thing I can count on though is this, there will be no sleep tonight, and tomorrow morning I will still have that ache in me that I wish more than anything would go away.

    KC

  • Doug

    K Rock,

    I am a 37 year old guy that lives in Ontario, Canada and I have pretty much the same story as you. One thing that is different is time, it has been almost half a year for me already, and time is making it easier and easier.

    Yes, I still have bad days, but overall, things are getting much better, meeting a lot of new people now, getting out and having fun.

    I am not ready for another relationship, I thought I was but no, I am not. Time does heal your wounds, but yet, there will aways be a scar.

    I hope you read the Sara’s post at the very start, it helped me feel a tiny bit better, and as time goes on, the more it seems to help.

  • Tiffany

    I receive all the posts that are planted here daily, and it makes my heart sad. It seems as though people that post here are part of the small handfull of people in this world whom have a conscience, a heart, and know what love is and how to love. So many people cross our paths daily, weekly, and yearly, and I know we all wonder “wow, has this person experienced what I’m going through? How do they stay so happy? What makes them smile?” We ask ourselves this even moreso when we are grieving—like most of us are. I feel and have learned, that it takes a special kind of person to love someone. What love means to most of us is only knowledge that those whom have cross our paths have yet to acquire. We know what love means, how to show it, how to nuture it, and the many sacrifices that are required to keep it. The people we have all dealt with have yet to learn this. There is a saying I heard when I was a very young girl and it still crosses my mind time-to-time; “People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
    I’ve had my heart broken about 4 times now. I am 30 years old…many will say, “She’s too young to know anything.” But I assure you, I started at a very young age. I have fell in love with 4 men since the age of 14. Each and everyone of them broke my heart. I use to think that something was wrong with me, but when I really took time to review the relationship, I always found an incident where I taught them something, or I learned something. I realize now that those four men each had something to learn from me. It may have been how to love, what love feels like, responsibility, common sense, how to perform a certain task, and etc. The thing is, when God sends someone our way it’s usually for a purpose. If we knew exactly what the purpose was at the time they came along, we may not of had patience to deal with it, took time to deal with it, or would have dreaded the whole thing and given up. The point is, sometimes it may take love to bring you close to someone in order to make them a better person, or to teach them one of life’s lessons that you have been so fortunate to know about from the start. Also, there may be something that this person will teach you, and God knew it took the extreme of love to bring you to the point where you were volunerable enough, or open enough to receive it. On the otherside, some people are just F***ed up! You can’t help that, but know that this person will never forget about you. On the downside, but positive side on the whole, each and every person whom has crossed our path and broke our heart, was made a better person by us! Even though they may have not worked out for us, they will be good to someone else and remember the lessons you taught them, and know how to love. Think of it as a piggy bank….the people you help are the pennies, dimes, or nickles and once the bank is full, you can reap your reward. All the struggle and pain felt at the moment is really good karma that is being added to our account. The right person will come along. The person who is right for you may be going through what you were going through at the same time you’re going through it! They are learning their lessons as you are until the time is right. The only positive thing I can leave with you all other than what I have already said, is to “Work on you for the time being. Acheive all you can while you can. Each day is a new day, and as long as there is another day there is an opportunity to make it better than the day before.” Think positive….more than likely there’s something bigger and better waiting for you, hence the broken heart to only make you stronger and prepare you for the journey ahead!

  • http://na PAW

    Now I just found out that my brother needs my help, on the same day I arranged a rendovous with thin air, through the letter I sent telling X I would be waiting for him at 3:33 on Tuesday.
    So…do I be smart, strong, and blow of the imaginary meeting (which he may not even attend?) to help my brother?
    Yes. I should. But instead I’ll be stupid and pitiful and drive 100 miles to park on the side of the road and cry alone. Brilliant right? But I can’t help myself….I will sacrifice anything for a few hours with him…even for the whisper of a few hours with him…even just to hope against hope in the car for a few hours, that he’ll be there.

  • http://na PAW

    And thanks by the way, to whoever put up this site. It gives my mind some way to deal with it for a few minutes. So my heart won’t hurt so much.

  • K Rock

    Doug, I appreciate that…I really do. I dont know man…I waited my almost my entire life for this girl to come along. We actually knew each other for a while before we got together. It was one of those things that we were always hitting on each other but never doing anything about it. But one night I got the balls to finally ask her out and she said it was about time. and so on and so on. All I know is I have read peoples posts here saying they have been in love a few times and thats great that they are that lucky. But I haven’t. I am not saying that sarcasticly , I just mean that letting someone in to my life like that is not something I do everyday. With this girl I new instantly when I kissed her that she was the one. Thats what makes this so hard. Knowing that I experienced something that only happens once in a lifetime and losing it all.

  • b

    Denice, get out and away from him please. Abuse is a horrible thing. There are good people out there. The worst fight I ever got in was when I witnessed a guy hit a girl. I couldn’t stand to see that.

  • Leslie

    I have been reading story after story of heart break and, yes, for some warped reason, it helps to know others are going through the same thing. Then again, it breaks my heart all over again.

    I keep believing I am going to wake up (that is when I actually sleep) and the pain will go away. I pray for God to take this away from me. It has not happened yet. I am a good, loving person. So why did God let this happen to me? Why is the person who has just about destroyed me found a new love and, apparently, happiness he felt he did not have with me?

    My friends and family try to comfort me by assuring me he will do the same to her. Is there any comfort in someone else’s pain? Even though she fully knew about me when he cheated on me with her.

    I do not eat. I do not sleep. I rarely laugh anymore. I am not the same person I was. I force myself to pretend all is well. Few people know the extent of my pain. I will not hurt myself for I know that is not the answer, only another round of pain for those who love me. I know people love me, but I do not feel it. I lost not just my lover, bu my best friend.

    Surely this torture will end. I cannot keep up the pretense. My head hurts constantly from keeping back the tears. I feel like the last fourteen years of my life were nothing but lies. I included him in every part of my life. He knew my children and my grandchildren. He knew my friends and my parents. He was always included in family functions, but in fourteen years I met none of his friends and his children barely. That should have been a sign, but I was happy. I trust no one, particularly not myself.

  • Leslie

    I just pray that I will not wake up. He is getting married October 11th and as the date gets closer, I get sicker. How am I going to get through that day? He actually called me to let me know. He must be getting some sort of enjoyment out of my pain. At this point, if I could go back to the day I met him, I would turn and run.

  • Doug

    Leslie, you said it yourself, you are a good person and loving person.

    I do understand, believe me, it hurts so bad, but you have to try for your own sake to stop thinking of him or anything that has to do with him.

    I wish I could help, but I know nothing really does help at this point, you have to just keep telling yourself you are good, keep telling yourself he is an evil person for doing this to you.

    About God, well I am not sure what to think, all I can say is what everyone says to me as I go threw the same thing as you, that he has a plan and we just have to wait to see what he has in store for us next.

  • S

    Leslie, I know how you feel. After almost 5 1/2 years of living with the woman I love she one day said…I don’t know about this. I am in utter turmoil and pain everyday. This was almost 4 weeks ago. She left her stuff in “our” place until she could find another one. Then yesterday she called, she has movers coming by to help her move her stuff to her new place. I dreaded today like nothing else I have ever dread.
    I told myself to be strong, and be prepared. I walked into “our” place today and it was all gone. I crumbled like I have never before. I cried, got angry, even punched a hole in the wall. It didn’t help. Nothing will. All my family says, “it was for the best.” Yeah, right.
    She left me a note. She said I could do better and that she will treasure our memories together…and to have a good life. I can’t believe I will never see her again. Yet, I’m glad because I’m hoping I will never hurt this much again. She ruined my life. She left me with a huge place, no friends, no furniture and no soul. In a town I barely know. I feel like running and hiding in a hole somewhere. I try not to hate her, but I can’t help it. How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? It’s possible I guess. I hope the hatred goes away. It’s not me. I’m normally smiling and laughing all the time. This past month I could barely crack a smile. Now today is the day. The day I dreaded and it’s here. All I can do is pick up what pieces that are left of me and hold on. Pray that the pain will go away. Please god let it go away. Please.

  • Leslie

    Thanks Doug. Any encouragement is helpful. It is sooohard to talk about this with my friends and family. They are all over it and want me to be. My kids refuse to even hear his name. I understand their impatience. There are many other things going on that need my attention – my father has cancer, my mom had a slight heart attack two weeks ago, my youngest son is in Iraq and life goes on. I have got to get my act together. I have always been the strong one, the reliable one. Right now I feel like I am letting everyone down.

  • Leslie

    S – I know all those feelings all too well. I gave up so much of myself for him and I feel like he made a mockery of our entire relationship. I know exactly what you mean about loving and hating at the same time. One day I think I want him to be happy and the next I want him to suffer as much as I am. Nothing makes sense. After he left me, I got rid of everything he had ever given me – everything. I am talking about fourteen years of memories, pictures, gifts, etc. The only thing I kept is the beagle he gave me for Christmas two years ago and sometimes it is hard to look at him. We picked him out together. I feel like a lunatic. I just ramble.

  • Leslie

    I have actually considered going to a hypnotist to see if I could be hypnotized to forget him. Really – sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

  • http://na Paw

    Worked late tonight and came home to do my usual routine, check for messages he never leaves me. I wonder, how is it possible for someone to smile and laugh and kiss you goodbye and say they will see you soon and then never call you again? Is he just out there somewhere living his life without a care in the world? Are there people on this thread who are the ones that left? How do you do it? How do you simply shut out someone you know is dying inside because you don’t call? And why? Why not just call… to say…don’t wait up for me…I’m not coming back.

  • Leslie

    Paw – I think you can drive yourself crazy trying to analyze his actions and behavior. I have done the same thing. This time last year he and I were together and I thought we were in love. Now, he is getting married in a couple of weeks. I truly believe I have been in a state of shock for months. This cannot be happening to me. But it is and somehow I have to keep on living.

  • Bob

    After eight months or so there good days and bad ones. What Ive heard is a well lived life is the best revenge. Not that I want revenge but anything to stop the hurt. What im doing about things is to be the best person I can be. Im now in the best physical shape I think Ive ever been in,finances and my career are also cooking. I make sure that i stay active with city events . I suppose that she will never know how im doing but I have to put a turicate on my heart and move on. I believe life will get better, It has too!
    Bob in Indiana

  • http://na Paw

    Leslie/Bob: In diffrent ways I guess you’ve both said the same thing. Keep living. Move on….It’s just hard to fathom how someone who you know has a heart (because you once shared it) can just turn to ice. Where do the feelings they had for you go? How can they just turn them off like a faucet? But I am toying with the idea of not driving 100 miles to try to see him. I’m considering putting myself first for once. We’ll see if I actually can make it happen. Another thought I’ve been having –and maybe it’s just more me trying to justify his heartlessness for him and myself — is that maybe he does miss me. Maybe a stone hasn’t grown where his heart used to be. Maybe he just sees that it will never work between us — we have a lot of real world obstacles to overcome — so he just wants to spare us both any more pain. There is even part of me that says, maybe something happened to him, and he can’t call or he needs my help. But I’m pretty sure that’s not true.

  • http://na Paw

    Leslie, something your wrote above really made me think…about how you would run away if you had the chance to go back to the day you two met. Really? I keep trying to decided if I would, but no, I don’t think so. We hurt because at one moment it was so good. If we never had that good, woudlnt’ that hurt and me empty too? My X is very emotionally closed and I told him once, keeping your heart very tight and small so no one can get in hurts as bad as letting someone in and having them hurt you. I read a Chinese saying the other day..it said:
    One joy scatters a hundred griefs.

  • Tiffany

    ***Things that help me cope****
    1. Think of all the negative things about the person that hurt you. We all have flaws so there was something negative about them. Ponder on that.

    2. Realize that life is not over. Persons you have came into contact with thus far, is not the end of the line. Your heart is still beating and you are alive, because if you weren’t, how would you read this email/comment?

    3. Explore your opportunities. Yes, meeting someone rightaway could cause relationship ‘rebound’, but meeting someone could also get your mind off the dumazz that hurt you. Yeah, they were dumb. Look at you. You’re a good person, they hurt you, you didn’t hurt them!

    4. Release……yes, very hard to do. But did you know that our minds will ponder on the things we shove into them, aside from the mind every now and then giving you bright ideas? Yea, you’re basically telling your mind to think about this person. We all are wasting time and energy trying to remember hurt, pain, and something we can’t fix. You can never CHANGE a person, you can only change you, and change the way you think.

    5. Change your phone number. Wouldn’t it make you feel good to know that the person whom hurt you finally regretted it and tried to contact you but they couldn’t because your old number is no longer in service? Although two wrongs never make a right, deep down inside we want the person that hurt us to feel how we feel. Remember that even though we may THINK we want this person back, we really don’t because the trust is ruined! Can any relationship exist truly or grow without trust? It can’t. If you get them back you won’t trust them because you won’t forget this hurt they caused you. The detachment we all feel is our body trying to adapt to the new environment. Our environment has changed, because the chemistry, pharmones, companionship, partner, etc, is no longer there. Our body must adjust to ourselves.

    6. You all learned something from this relationship. Remember what you learned that way you don’t repeat the same mistake or lesson again. You may not understand at the moment what you learned, or are able to put it together, but perhaps in a month or so from now it will all make sense.

    7. Don’t give up! Don’t think for a minute that you shouldn’t love anyone again because of what happened. Everyone is not the same, everyone is different in his or her own way. There’s obviously still someone out there for you that is just right for you! If you don’t believe that, why do you think you have emotions? Why do you think there is male and female? Because there is someone for everyone that’s why.

    To PAW: Did you ever think that maybe (God-forbid) something could have happened to this person that left? If not, and they are actively ignoring you, I wouldn’t waste my time going to that park. 9/10, if that person was going to meet you they would have made contact to let you know they would be there. Don’t diss your brother (a person who will be there no matter who comes into your life or leaves your life) to go and meet the idiot who played you. Just maybe, if you don’t go, that person will show up looking for you and see you aren’t there. Then they can feel like the idiot that made you feel like.

    To LESLIE: Go to the wedding. : ) Sounds odd huh? Go there! When they ask if anyone feels this man and woman shouldn’t be married, stand up and give a speech on what this man did to you! You might actually save that new bride the hurt and pain you’re going through! This will also embarrass him and perhaps make him realize what an azz he really is! Go for it! And when it’s done, have a drink and laugh your azz off!

  • Tiffany

    To the person who pondered suicide…..before you go to that extreme, think hard about what the other person would have done. Would they die for you? Would they kill themself if you left them? Do you think your death is gonna make that person come to the conclusion that it’s their fault? Even if they do, what can they do about it then? They can’t bring you back to life to apologise to you. You won’t get that apology from them unless they die too. More than likely, they won’t kill their self because you killed yourself. They will live life and you won’t be able too. Then, as mean as it may sound, they may not even care. The best way to let a person know that you are happy and moving on is to ignore them. As long as you try to make contact with them or give them any energy, it only makes their evilness more powerful, and it also makes them feel good to know no matter what they do to you, you will still be there. This is hard advice to swallow dear, but it’s the truth and a lot of times the truth hurts.

  • http://na Paw

    Tiff:
    With any normal person I would have called the police, but the fucked up thing about being with someone like him is…when he doesn’t call, you know it’s 100 times more likely he is burning you, than that something happened to him….I wish…not really but…I just know. I am seriously thinking of standing by my brother instead of going there. But even as much as I want him to feel the pain of going there, thinking Ill be there to laugh at his jokes and be sweet to him and finding nothing but lonliness, I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to cause anyone the pain I feel. And I want him to know no matter what I will be there, that is the lesson i have for him. Loyalty. Or is it doormat-ty?? Arg…I want to be less weak.

  • s.

    thanks doug for getting back to me…. but i did tell him and he ra a way, i did find out he feels the same but well we are no closer to being together… we had a great friendship (16 plus years) and relationship now…nothing he does not even text back hi and i wish i knew why…. i love him and i know he loves me, my question is why when you find the one and why get cold feet a run a way????? someone told me that could be ashamed of breaking up with me and stupid for leaving me and does not know what ot how to fix it…. could this be true????? i wish i know beause i truely miss him and love him, my life as i know it is over….

  • Doug

    s.

    I understand everything you are saying, I really honestly do as I am going threw the same thing myself, just it has been over 6 months now and it really is getting easier.

    I have no idea why other people do what they do, one idea I had was if they change and realise they are not happy, there is no easy way to end a long term relationship, I just think they find this is the easiest way. They do not want to give us any false hope than maybe somehow we can make things work. I am pretty sure than they know they are hurting us, but I also am pretty sure they are hurting too. They wabt you to move on, they want to be mean to you to make it easier for you and I to move on. They do not want us to try changing, they do want us to do anything except forget them.

    Myheart goes out to you, I feel for you, just remember as little as it may help, you are not alone, there are lots of us that end up losing at love, men and woman, we have to try our best to be strong threw this time of hardship.

    Your life as you knew it is over, now, it is time to be reborn. Life its self is not over, your life is going to go on, and you are going to become a stronger person for it. You will meet other people, I know what you thought there, you don’t want anyone else, but trust me, you will eventually.

    *hugs*

    Be strong, I know you will get threw this.

  • Les

    Does it get easier? It has been eight months and I feel like he just ripped my heart out yesterday. I thought I was going to die last night. I miss him so much and he was so horrible to me.

  • chris

    After about 13 yrs now and 10 yrs into marriage, I still miss my X so bad.

    She was so beautiful, smart, sweet, seXXXy.
    The sex was outrageous, she got me hooked on bizarre encounters. I can’t imagine living without it for the rest of my life.

    Last thing I think of before I go to sleep is her and first thing I think of when I wake is …. LESLIE (of Austin, TX).

  • http://na Paw

    Lord help me he called. And within a matter of minutes reminded me why I should let him go. Demanding, rude, impatient. He takes me so for granted that I feel worthless. But the feeling when I’m in his arms….keeps me wanting him. I agreed to skip my dance class to drive 2 hours to meet him tonight. I feel a confrontation coming that could seal this deal for good.

  • Leslie

    Paw – You sound just like me. Fourteen years of that behavior and I am afraid if he showed up at my door today I would take him back. I know he would do the same thing again. This is not the first go around for us. It has to be over. I just cannot go through this again. You and I both know we deserve so much better. But I understand you wanting to see him – wanting to be his arms again. I pray daily that God will release me from that feeling. I sometimes feel almost posessed by him. He cheated on me, he denied me to his friends and family, he lied and deceived me constantly. So why do I love him? Why do I feel like I am dying without him. He loves someone else. He is marrying her. My friends and family tell me he will do the same thing to her. There is little satisfaction in that.

  • Leslie

    Paw,

    I feel so many of the same things you do. This man is not good for me. He has hurt me over and over. I have no self esteem. For fourteen years I let him make me feel like dog shit and, yet, I miss him more than I can say. I cannot believe in two weeks he is marrying someone else. Everyone says he will do the same thing to her, but I find little solace in that. I just want to go to sleep and not think about this anymore. I feel everyone’s pain. I wish I knew this was going to go away, but I am not sure it is. I felt beautiful, sexy and intelligent once. Now, I feel old and damaged.

  • Bob

    Les,
    Same here,eight months and I still dream and think about her often. I do find some moments that I can be somewhat happy now. It seems that a good mind getaway is working out. Not the best but better then nothing. I cant understand how someone can dismiss another so quick and absolute especially when things were so good, another person just swept her away.

  • Bob

    Chris,
    She’s been gone for thirteen years and your still hurting? Man o Man your scarring me. I need to put a turnicate on my heart and stop the bleeding. I want her gone so bad and miss her more then ever.
    When will enough be enough!!!!!!!

  • Tiffany

    No matter the length of time apart, our heart yearns for the one that broke it because we don’t have an understanding of “Why did he/she do this to me,” and we are afraid of change. We homeostatically adapted to that person and now that they are gone, our body cannot relax or rest. Mentally we are confused because there is no understanding and the smallest hope we have deep inside that they will return and apologize and confess they fucked up, keeps us on hold and afraid to move forward. It’s gotten easier for me. I tell myself everyday that I deserve better and did him a favor giving him my time. Keep busy, better yourself and keep your eyes open. There’s a lot of people out there and now you have the benefit of decerning them based on what you have learned in ur recent heart break.
    One last thing… why don’t people on here hook up? Lol. There’s so many people going through the samething. Maybe the person you have been searching for is somewhere on this comment board. Good luck and continue moving forward!

  • http://www.adamsweddingdress.com Adam

    5
    6
    9

    5, 6, 9! I had a broken heart 3 years ago. It is not broken any longer. In fact it is so much more powerful. I thought I would share with you a quick comment on my mended heart. But first 5, 6, 9. As I look back it was 5 (Treat yourself right), 6 (Exercise), and 9 (this too shall pass) that got me started on the right track.

    I was cheated on and lied to 8 years into marriage (probably before then too), then she left me! Talk about a broken heart…then she took my money too! The money part I knew I could rebuild, but the heart was broken bad.

    I had a great friend that pulled me aside and told me 5 first…he told me that I had to take care of ME first. Take care of me and I will be able to take care of the rest of the things that I thought to be un-take-care-of-able. It worked…I started the day taking care of me…instead of worrying about everyone else and my sad predicament.

    I have always been athletic, I started running, I was like Forest Gump, i could not wait to run each day and track more miles on my Nike iPod. I met other runners, my life was filled with challenges physically that I parlayed into my business and personal life…6, exercise!!!

    My father always told me that from a dead rose a new bud will bloom. it really is true when I look back…9, this too will pass – and you know what, it does…but something else happens! You GROW STRONGER.

    For those with a broken heart, know from someone that has been there, that on the other side of all this, you will be stronger, faster, bigger and badder then ever before, you will grow personally like you could not think possible…when the time is right, you will relish in your new found glory and look back on your experience with objectivity.

    My situation was divorce, there are many other ways to have a broken heart i know, but now on the other side of all this, I am helping others, which in turn helps me! Recently i started site that I hope will help millions adamsweddingdress.com is the site if anyone is interested in contributing.

    5, 6, and 9 to everyone!

  • wanda

    adam i read your comment , i have that forrest gump thing , i was devestated 2 weeks ago , i started walking this 8 mile trail , religiously . i keep wishing it was longer , my friends/supporters have tried to keep up but they gave up and i still walk , everyday, still crying alot, our situation was impossible, thru no fault of our own, just circumstances have torn us apart , i still have this damn tattoo on my back..

  • Rome

    Once my friend came over and asked me a question-
    how to get over a broken heart ?
    I couldnt answer from my experience,but after reading your articles i was able give some “hand” to my heart broken friend.Thanks for that.

  • Grant

    Found this blog great! Had my heart broken 3 times in my life. The first time was bad, the second time was very bad, and the third, 10 years later, was the worst thing Ive ever been through. Fixing it took 2 years. Its 2 years 6 months noe, and it is still with me, everyday.
    Can really relate to all the phases described above, the anger, the denial, the bargaining, the sorrow.
    I know it sounds negative, but this is something I would just never be willing to go through again. No matter how ‘exciting’ the new love, nothing could justify the pain when it ends.
    Best wishes
    Grant

  • Leslie

    Grant,

    I totally agree with you. I am not willing to even attempt an intimate relationship with anyone. I date a lot, but I have so many walls up. I will never allow myself to love again and he knows that. He knew about all my vulnerabilities and took advantage of every single one. He was an the epitomy of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but I loved him. I will never stop loving him. He will continue to hurt me for the rest of my life.

  • s.

    thanks doug.
    i did hear from him the other day…just as sad he said he is sorry for hurting me… ( i hope he means it) and sadder news that he is with someone new (serious) and she does not want him to stay friends with me…. the lose of him as a boyfriend was hard but. to lose him as a very good friend of 16 plus years is even harder… i wish he had balls to tell her is not going to give up a friendship with me ( will not stop being there for him as a friend and he does know it)…. right now i do not want him to be happy i want her to treat him like shit,use him and rip him a new one and again use him so bad and leave him in the dust… then he can feel the pain he put on me…. then maybe he will see that the friendship i always had for him was and still is there.

  • Doug

    Guys, girls, I do agree with you too.

    But, this person wasted part of your life, that is how I view my relationship now, she lied to me, she used me, she hurt me…now, I am going to move on, yes, it has been 6 months and last night I thought my heart was going to stop on its own from the pain, but I am trying to not let it get like that.

    Why you might ask?

    I lost a large amount of time of MY life that I can’t get back, ever. SO, I am not going to let her continue to waste my life, I have so much love to give, so much passion, so much energy, I am GOING to MOVE ON, I refuse to let my story end here. I am going to meet someone else, once I feel I am ready, and I am going to take that risk again, I owe it to myself.

    I too have been hurt in about three long term relationships, and for me too, it has hurt more and more each time, but still, I do think it is worth it. Think about being held, NOT about the person who use to hold you, just about being held, you really never want to ever feel that again?

    I do, and I want to hear someone tell me they love me again, and I am not going to let the evil person who last told me she loved me ruin this next relationship, I am going to trust the next girl.

    I know, we are all different, I know we do not all feel the same, but we share something, we are good people, and there are men posting in this thread, and there are woman posting her too. All we have to do is hope our hearts find another that is more like US the next time around.

    *Hugs you all*

  • Leslie

    Doug,

    Intellectually I hear you, but I am scared to death to let any man get to me. I have let my guard down a few times and then I started questioning their motives – I trust no one. Of course, that comes across in any potential relationship and that is the end of that.

    He made me feel so bad about myself or, rather, I let him make me feel bad about myself. I use to feel confident – I felt intelligent, sexy, attractive and fun. I can never imagine feeling those things again. I do not know how to get “me” back.

  • Dave

    It’s 4am & my eyes open wide…
    I don’t have to be up for hours,
    But there’s this deep, dark hole inside.

    This hole is filled with such longing & pain,
    That at 4am I lay there…
    Wondering if it’s worth ever loving again.

  • Leslie

    Every night – 3 am – what is he doing? He is with her and I am alone. Well, not exactly alone. I have a beagle who is extremely faithful. Nights are hell. At least during the day I am at work and have friends around me. They all despise him and have long before he actually left me. They said he made me sad more than anything else. They are probably right. He would say I made him treat me that way. He never took responsibility for anything. He cheated on me because I made him. He lied to me and deceived me because I made him.

  • http://www.adamsweddingdress.com Adam

    After I posted my first on this thread, I check the email follow up. I am blown away with all your heartfelt comments.

    This is impossible to hear…and easy to say. But think it over very very carefully:

    You and only you have the ability to direct your thoughts. You can contemplate all that hurts, or shift your focus. The fact that you know what pains you is good. I know in your life something good has happened, something has moved you…birth of a child, wining a race or a tournament, helping someone, a serene moment in nature…are you losing sleep over a good thing that has happened to you? Why not…why not try to lose sleep over something good!!! You see, i too focused on the negative, but with practice, baby steps, i started focusing on good thing, what i have vs what i did not have…as I did this my entire energy shifted.

    Leslie, you did not make him do anything! Dave, of course it is worth loving again. You are the master of YOUR own destiny, there never has been a more truthful thought process or statement…you can choose right now, right this second what to focus on.

    Start with what you have, not what you dont have! Capture a good moment in your life and concentrate on how that made you feel. Practice this NOW, in this moment. I guarantee this is the path to loving again and finding YOU again and helping others again and being joyous again!

    Adam

  • Leslie

    Adam,

    I know you are right. I have four grown children and two incredible grandchildren. I have great parents and siblings. I have awesome friends and a job that I enjoy. I am healthy and still have a lot of years ahead of me. I am talented and about to start my own business – I bake and decorate cakes. These are all good things. I want to stop being so angry and wounded. I just do not know how.

  • Leslie

    The problem is I made this man my entire life. I lost myself in the relationship. I catered to him. I was there whenver he needed me. I have to find out who I am without him and I don’t know.

  • Dave

    All broken hearts heal. Some just take longer than others. Life is really just a series of moments. And when those moments are gone, all you can do is be grateful for the moments you had. Good and bad. The “good” because they were great, and reinforce the fact that those moments are indeed possible. And the “bad” because you just learn so much about yourself. If you’re open to the process, you’ll be a better partner and person in the future… and time really does heal all.

  • Grant

    I think you are right, there is more joy to be had. What really messed me up is this belief that there is a “true love”, or a “soul-mate” to be found, that I had found them, and then lost them. If you believe that is true, you cant find a reason to look for another.
    I therefore dont hold onto that anymore. I will look for relationships, but now from the perspective that they come to an end. They are about a set of experiences, which are eventually completed. Just as I will not live forever, so my feelings also end.
    I suppose I have learnt what I didnt want to know, and feel somehow poorer for it. Disillusioned.
    I tell myself that my grief was proportionate to my ruined hopes, and that is why it hurt so much, and took so long to heal. That my capacity for Joy mirrors my capacity for Pain !
    I got so sick and tired of feeling unhappy that eventually I just couldnt feel it anymore. And that took 2 years.
    It has been like a death of sorts. You cant really put a positive spin on it, only adjust as best you can.

  • Dave

    We all face a decision. We can either decide to learn and grow… or we can decide to wilt and die (inside of course). I think if you can be honest with yourself… I mean really honest, you may just uncover some of those pesky character flaws and subtle behavioral patterns that subconsciously make relationships more difficult, make us prone to picking the wrong ones or “insert relationship issue here”. There’s more than 6 billion people on this amazing planet we call Earth. The odds that we all found the only person on this planet that can make us happy (assuming that most of us don’t look more than 25 miles around us in any direction), is highly unlikely. Let’s say I live in a mid sized metropolitan area, and we’ll assume there’s 10 million people in a 25 mile radius. 10MM/6B=.17%. Largely unexplored population= 99.83%.

    It’s good to grieve. It’s healthy. It proves that we’re caring and good people capable of love… and it’s necessary for our own evolution. Change is best facilitated by significant emotional experiences, so reap the rewards of your hard earned experiences. That being said, here’s one last equation for you: Acceptance=Contentment.

    A lot of your post have helped me immeasurably.
    I love you all and you’re not alone.

  • Grant

    Thanks Dave
    I feel that this time around, my broken heart has completely changed me. I have done an enormous amount of soul searching, read so many books, and talked to many people, all as a result of the pain felt. In this way, I am a very different person now. The old, naive, person who believed in “fate” and true-love, etc, is gone. Yes, it makes me angry, because it has damaged my trust. Yes, Im more cynical, more jaded, less open.
    My boundaries are much firmer now. And that is good, because they protect me from too much hurt. They are not so high and so deep as to be offensive, but they are well considered now, and have developed from a process of self-examination and growth.
    The biggest mistake, after giving my heart away that is, was to remain “friends”. That is really where all the damage and disillusion came in. I would never, ever, do that again – a boundary established from experience, as well as hurt.

  • Grant

    The boundaries issue is what actually led me here, relating to health.
    My situation involved a love interest who had two choices, me and another. We were all single. After 6 months ‘competition”, I realised, on 22 july 2006, that I had lost.
    The next morning, I awoke with a ‘cold’. I hadnt been sick in 10 years, but thought to myself that it wasnt surprising that I felt sick, given the blow.
    The cold, however, would just not go away, and took many weeks to end.
    In reterospect, I think that I ‘caught’ a cold not because of the shock, but so as to give myself something other to focus on than the broken heart. It was an immediate problem, and required at least a week in bed, and lots of self-care afterwards, to heal. An external virus, or parasite, or whatever, had penetrated my boundaries, and now I was paying the price ?
    Of course, I had a cold and a broken heart. The heart was way, way slower in fixing, but was a aboundary issue.(or lack thereof)

  • Leslie

    Grant – I tried the frined thing too. It just does not work. I am experiencing the same feelings you are. I want to get past this and start living again. Every time I think I am ready I experience a set back.

  • Tiffany

    PAW,
    I can honestly relate to what you’re saying. For some reason we want to prove something to these men/women who have done us so wrong, especially when we have the chance to shine; like being there for them in their time of need. That’s what we want them to know:”Hey, you’re a dog, you treated me like crap, but see…I’m better than you because I am still here. I am loyal, I am faithful and there when you need me.” By us doing this, and giving them this benefit of the doubt, deep inside we hope it’s enough to make them “realize” just how good we are, and also realize they should want to be with us and they Fu**ed up by leaving.
    Now, in this person’s mind, they already know what a good faithful and loyal person you are, and that’s exactly why they do the things they do! This person feels that no matter what he does to you, that YOU will always be there. He knows that he can live a life free of commitment, see whom he chooses, come and go when he chooses, and when all this gets boring, he still has YOU.
    Now, you need to ask yourself, “Is this fair to me? Do I deserve to be second best? Is this really what I want out of life and out of love? Can I be this doormat? Can I let my entire life revolve around him, and at the drop of a dime, stop whatever I am doing, neglect whatever responsibilities I have, set-aside my plans, and risk hurting those people that do love me, to run or jump when this man says he wants to see me or has time to see me?”
    Basically, by you going, you’re only letting him know that you will do these things. Some people are able to shut things out faster than others, then some people have to learn the hard way. I was one of those people who had to learn the hard way. It’s funny, most people won’t listen to what I tell them because I am young. However, I have had many experiences, more experience than people 15 -20-years older than me. Since the age of 15, I had to become an adult and was on my own. I learned a lot.
    I would like to share an experience I had with you, because it is so similar to your situation. I was married in 1997, and was with this man since early 1996. He cheated on me left and right, abused me mentally and physically, and finally in 2004 I was fed up. I stayed with him until that point because I was trying to get through nursing school before I would finally end the marriage. Shortly before seperating, I encountered someone who I felt was prince charming….and charming he was! He was gorgeous, fit, smart, had a nice car, appeared to have his life in order, treated me like a princess, and was everything I had hoped for. We were magnets it seemed…nothing could keep us apart!
    I seperated from my husband–unable to afford a divorce, and began dating this man.
    His name was Ralphael. We spent everyday together for the first 7 months we were dating. At the time I didn’t understand the whole concept of “rebound” but later I did. I was in love, and I thought he was in love too, because he said he was. Afterall, we were together everyday, and I mean everyday of the month for 7 months. Around the 8th month, he wasn’t wanting to be with me everyday, we were now spending 3 days a week together, but talked everyday. I could sense something was changing, but it really didn’t strike me as negative, because people to need their space. As time went by, and we were together for 9 months, he started standing me up. Wouldn’t show up, wouldn’t answer my calls. It upset me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt once again.
    Eventually he would make contact, and of course I would run when he said run. At 10 months I started playing detective…when you look you will find. I wasn’t happy anymore and I thought that seeing something bad would allow me to have some type of closure and begin avoiding him. That didn’t work! Of course there was other women I found, he lied constantly. He’d have me come and meet him somewhere and when I got there he wouldn’t be there, or would be an hour late. Sometimes he wouldn’t show up at all, or call either, then sometimes he would wait until I arrived at the meeting spot and call me to say he wasn’t coming.
    I put up with this for almost 1 year after that 10 month mark. I thought I loved this man so much, and everything I did was to prove to him that “I was the one.” Whenever he made the slightest bit of contact with me, it drove me insane, like a dog in heat. He would even go weeks without contacting me, and I would jump at the chance to be with him when “he had time.” He gave me a sexually transmitted disease, put me in unsafe situations (he was involved in illegal activities I found, and would jeapordize my safety and freedom by having me with him when doing these things without my knowing about it.), I was a damn fool.
    Total fool time played = 2 years! I was finally able to let it go. I changed my phone number, I moved, and I started focusing on me. A few weeks later I was able to look back and say, “What the fuck was I thinking?” What really helps is to realize how negative this person you love views you. It also helps to realistically view how negative and bad they are for you. People like this cause you to make so many sacrifices, so add up everything you could of had or missed out on messing with that person. It will add up to a lot. And just think that you can have all that if you let that misery go. There is better out there. Put yourself where everyone can see you. There are plenty of men out in this world. Jumping right into another relationship is a bad idea, but it doesn’t hurt to date. You will be able to enjoy time with a person without being emotionally attached to them, and therefore be able to view them as a person and analyze their qualities, analyze the patterns if visible, the personality, the type of men you attract etc. What this will do is bring to your attention things that maybe you need to work on or change so that you don’t continue to attract the same kind of men. In the meantime, you will also be repairing your self-esteem.
    I hope this helps you. Hearing that you’re stupid and etc won’t phase you any at this point. It didn’t phase me when everyone was telling me how dumb I was. I was blinded by love. But in order to “see” again, you have to cut-off all contact. Change your number, if you can move, move, if not, see if the post office has a spam filter like your email…lol..then you can block any mail he might send you, because you won’t be able to move on or heal if you’re still in contact with that person.
    Since that time, 2 years ago with me, I was able to move on and ended up starting something with another man. Yeah, there was feelings there, I started to love him, but I didn’t like some of the things I seen in him, or some of his actions. So, I stuck it out to be sure, and yes, I was right, he was no good for me. So, I have moved on. This time it only took a week to get over him. But, I have classes with him until May of 2008. So, this is just another test, and a stepping stone to allow me to become stronger. I can tolerate it, and I won’t let my guard down. My idea is “He can look at the cakes in the cake shop, but he can never taste them or buy them, because they aren’t for sale!”

  • Grant

    Im now ending the friend thing too. I was generously offered ‘friendship’, which was very useful, to them, as there was a back-up then, and the opportunity for me to observe up close everything I wanted, but was denied. And it still feels ungrateful of me to decline the friendship! I mean, who wouldnt want a friend ?

  • Leslie

    That friend thing – I figured that out – it is a way of appeasing their own guilty conscience. They feel like if they offer you their friendship that somehow makes up for everything they did. I really tried to be a bigger person than he was, but I could not deal with all the emotional baggage. Just did not work for me.

  • Grant

    My grandmother used to say “The more I see of people, the more I love my dog”. Unconditional love. No baggage.

  • Leslie

    Your grandmother was right. I have a beagle and he is definitely my best friend at the moment. He thinks I am great regardless. The problem is my ex gave him to me, but I do not hold that against him.

  • Grant

    I see how bitter I sound when I write about it, but dont actually feel that way most of the time. I have just gotten so sick of it all, sick of my own slowness to move on. Intellectually, I see how stupid it is to obsess over it, but the heart takes a long time to catch up with the head, you feel so frustrated with yourself.
    Its like you need to crack some sort of code, or find some thing which you overlooked. This feels important, because you feel that if you can figure it out, youll never make the same mistake again.
    For me, that ‘mystery’ or that ‘mistake’ was believing I had found ‘the one’, believing that there was such a thing as ‘the one’. When in fact all I had found was another waste of time.
    Made me feel much better to clarify my own expectations about ‘the one’, and relationships with people. I was ‘fuzzy’ about a lot of things, and only knew how I wanted to be treated when I wasnt being treated that way. I’d never tolerate that stuff now, and am much more aware of the ‘danger signs’. There are lots of things now which are just non-negotiable – normal things like respect, honesty, reciprocity, etc. I feel much better, am and much better prepared for a good relationship. My broken heart has really taught me so much about life, and people.
    I know you will get there too. You simply are not able to cry forever.

  • Leslie

    Grant – I understand. I feel the same way. When I read what I wrote, I do not even recognize myself. This is not me. I am a happy, out going, very humorous woman. I guess that is part of what makes me so angry. I feel like he has stolen my joy, but then again, I guess I have let him. It is up to us to make ourselves happy. I will be happy again and I hope I can find someone to be happy with. I cannot imagine that, but I am still hoping.

  • Dave

    I totally hear you guys. For me, I’ve realized that my expectations and assumptions are responsible for a lot of my own hurt. Not that they were unjustified or not realistic… but I think I’ve learned that they feed into our need to control things. Even if we’re not necessarily controlling people.

    I’m beginning to let go of my expectations and assumptions about what’s right or wrong, fair or unfair and am just accepting things for what they are. Everyday I’m a little bit happier.

    There’s a Zen story about an old and a young monk. They come across a demanding woman of an elite status. They’re all at a giant puddle and her servants can’t carry her across because they have so much stuff. The old monk picks her up and carries her across. She gets to the other side, pushes him away and yells at her servants.

    Hours pass and the young monk is fuming, he can’t stand it so he says “why did you help that rude, mean woman!”

    The old monk replies, “I put that woman down hours ago… why are you still carrying her?”

    I probably butchered it, but I think it’s a good story to think about sometimes.

  • Grant

    Dave, that does ring true for me. I think that when it hurts so bad you want to die, you automatically feel an urge to want to control your future, and make sure you are safer next time around. I think I need to make sure that I dont open up untill I am far more certain that the other person is worth it. I know there are no garantees in love, but there can be precautions. Faulty ideas about ‘love’ led me to hell. I thought that because I was honest, open and had good intentions, that the other person would also be like that. Well, my mistake.
    I agree with Leslie too, in that it feels like they have taken something away from me, wasted it. And it is so valuable to me. The anger is very great.

  • chris

    I ahve at times been angry about some of the individual occurances but in all I’m not angy, at least I don’t think so anymore.

    I miss that sweet, gorgeous girl that knew me like the back of her hand when we met.

    There is a lot about her I don’t miss that doesn’t add up to anything really.

    I stilll miss her after all these years, all the other women I tried to replace her with. (Not that many)

    Damn Leslie from Austin Texas

  • chris

    It so sucks that I had to “throw her out”.
    Too many affairs, too much drugs I finally discovered.

    Finally she came home from a weekend away that ran over 2-3 days and all of her stuff was on front porch.

    5 years of blissful BLISS….Over

    Damn Leslie of Austin, Texas

  • Grant

    I knew my broken heart was healed when I felt angry at the amount of time I’d spent feeling hurt. When I recoginsed the waste of time.

  • chris

    Yes….and No for me as I went thru that phase at least a dozen or two times in the past 12 yrs.

    I’m not angry with her…Never really was. If anything I feel sorry for her in many ways.

    I have wondered if even the whole experience was a waste of time of course.

    Damn Leslie of Austin, Texas

  • Leslie

    I know I cannot stay this angry forever. Some days I really want to forgive him. I heard once that forgiving someone is not something you need to do for the person who has wronged you, but for yourself. I think there is a lot of truth in that. I can begin the forgiveness process and then something happens to send me spiraling downward again. My ex and I know a lot of the same people. For whatever reason, some of these people love to keep me informed about what he is doing. He did not tell me he was getting married, someone else did. I felt so incredibly disrespected. He has known this woman less than a year and about six months of that time he was seeing both of us. After fourteen years of my life he did not even think it would have been appropriate to tell me himself he was getting married. It just keeps on hurting.

  • Grant

    Leslie, I can imgine what this feels like. Fourteen years is a long time. But think of the kind of person he is. his character. His values. Will a person like that manage to live a happy life on his own merits. Does he deserve a good relationship ? Does he have what it takes ? I dont think so. He will mess it up. You know he will.
    I found forgiving myself really difficult too. I set myself too low a standard. As for forgiving them ? No. They are what they are, and they will make the kinds of lives for themselves that they deserve.

  • Leslie

    Tiffany is dead on. My experience pretty much mimics her’s. The only difference is my relationship lasted fourteen years – the last four were a nightmare. I knew a long time ago he was lying to me and cheating on me. She is right. If you start to look for something wrong, you will find it. He passworded his computer, his cell phone and asked for his apartment key back on the pretense that he needed to give to his daughter. He said he would give it back, but never did. Then he hid one outside his apartment, but never told me where it was. His car would smell like women’s perfume and he told me it was from some old lady in his church that he was giving a ride to a church function. He started having dinner with his “daughter” frequently. All this time he still wanted to have sex with me, but did not want to spend time doing much else. I caught him in so many lies. I continued to make excuses for him. My friends and family could not get it through my head that he was not good for me.

    Last fall he met the woman he is marrying in a week. He met her when he went on a scuba diving trip to receive his certification. Suddenly he was driving from Georgia to Indiana to visit his new scuba diving buddies who turned out to be his new f _ _ k buddy. After the new year (which he spent with her) he finally told me about her. I already knew – no one had to tell me. He was still seeing me, but there were huge limitiations on our relationship. She was now coming to see him. He said she knew there were “other” women. Now, I had become one of his “other” women. They went away together to some tropical place (I cannot remember where) scuba diving. He did not tell me he was taking her until I asked. Supposedly he was going to visit his nephew there. I went nuts. I called his cell phone over and over again and sent probably 500 text messages. I was beside myself. She got his phone and sent me a text message that I will never forget. It read, “This is Dianna. I think you should stop this silly texting. We want you to get on with your life, we have.” He said she did that when he went to the bathroom. I do not believe that. I believe he let her do it. That was not one of my finer moments. I let him make a fool out of me.

    I became someone I did not know. I know people hurt each other all the time. I just have no idea how you could go from being so in love with someone to suddenly deciding that person is not good for you. He took this woman to his church, where I have friends that attend, before I even really knew about her. It is not so much that the relationship ended, it is how it ended. If I have learned anything from this nightmare, it is that I will never let someone disrespect me again the way he did and I, in turn, will never disrespect someone in that way.

    I am sure I will get over this. I am resilient and have been through bad things before. He was not just my lover. He was my best friend. He was my confidant. He became someone that I no longer knew and, honestly, did not want to know. And, yes, knowing what I know now about him, I would choose never to have known him, if given the opportunity to start over.

  • Bob

    Grant,
    What a great point you made to Leslie. Thank you for the perspective. It help me also.

    Bob

  • Leslie

    Yes, it was a great point. I am really working on believing that this is all for the best. In retrospect, he was not good for me. I am a much better person without him. Truthfully, while I miss having him in my life physicall, I do feel healthier emotionally. I am not sure if that makes sense.

    Thanks to all of you who have listend to me over the past week rant and rave. Sometimes I feel stuck in a rut and am just saying the same things over and over. You guys gave me some great advice and encouragement. Thank you.

  • Doug

    I hate the nights, is that not the worse time? I almost have to stay up till the point of exhaustion or I will think of her and not get any sleep regardless. Not heathy I am sure, but I can not win either way.

    I find it nice here, in that there are men and woman here that have and are going threw the same thing, its so easy to say all woman/men are evil, but its nice to know there are good woman out there, just have to learn what I can do differently to attract the right one next time around.

    I love you all, I think we are all good people, too bad we have so suffer like this, but at least we can lean on each other in our time of weakness.

    *Group hug*

  • Leslie

    Doug – Nights are the worst. Usually between 2 and 3 in the morning, I think I am losing my mind. That is when I really want to call him, but I do not. I read or walk my dog.

    We should all get together and have a “Get over our Ex” party. It is helpful to vent with people who are going throught the same stuff.

  • NovemberGuy

    It don’t get better. 20 years of missing her.

  • Bob

    NovemberGuy,
    Read Grant, it does get better. Now one herts more then me. but it will get better.

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose gonzalez

    Hi K Rock,

    I hope you start eating and forcing yourself to get up and do stuff – as tough as that can seem right now. Drive yourself with the thought that, eventually, you WILL be over her.

    I have a comment to make, if you don’t mind – just from something I picked up in your post:

    “…the girl I thought was the one … I love her so much. I am lost with out her. I waited a lifetime for her to come along and I lost her. I have not eaten for like 8 days i think, nothing. I can not sleep or work. All I do is sit around staring at my phone hoping she text me or called…” (I’ll stop there).

    I don’t know the circumstances under which you broke up, or the reason, so I can’t really comment on that. However, if you’re trying to get your ex back then make sure she doesn’t have access to these raw emotions.

    I’m not talking about being secretive here – but what you’re feeling is normal and it happens to everybody who suffers a loss (even other animals) so don’t treat this as some kind of weird illness – it isn’t. Instead, accept that this is a normal state and that it WILL pass, and concentrate on making it pass sooner rather than later.

    If you have any sort of contact with her, don’t allow yourself to express the things in your post to her, as tempting as this is going to be! You MUST at least appear independent and ABLE to exist without her – this is a vital part of attraction. Nobody wants somebody who is dependent on them, but rather they want somebody they can depend ON. So act (if you have to) like a man with a path, a mission, a purpose, a man who can take it or leave it. You’re a proposition – what you’re saying is: I have purpose – you can either join me and have an awesome time, or miss out. What you’re NOT saying is: I’m like a weak kitten without you and I need you or I will die. This is a huge turn off – it means you’re not bringing ANYTHING to the table! You need to make your own happiness and revel in it, then connect with somebody who is the same -> a relationship is a kind of deal or arrangement; it’s teamwork. YOU have to bring 50% of the happiness with you into the arrangement.

    So, whilst you suffer inside, keep a lid on it on the outside (in front of her or the person you are trying to attract).

    Think of the saying: fake it till you make it. Act like a man with purpose and things will start to fall into place – others will want to be under your wing.

    If she knows that you felt like a mess, then don’t worry – you can fix this. Bite the bullet and start acting like you got over her (you WILL anyway, one day soon). If anything, she may start to get curious…

    Don’t however pin any hope on getting back together with her – she may have her own plans and you can’t control other people – you only have control of YOUR decisions.

    This is about YOU now, not her, so when I say act independent etc… it’s NOT to create attraction (although it will, with those around you) but rather to heal yourself.

    Remember: either way, you will get over your ex, once you let go.

    Hope that helps.

    All the best
    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com
    Hope that helps.

    All the best
    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com

  • http://www.get-over-your-ex.com jose gonzalez

    Hi K Rock,

    I hope you start eating and forcing yourself to get up and do stuff – as tough as that can seem right now. Drive yourself with the thought that, eventually, you WILL be over her.

    I have a comment to make, if you don’t mind – just from something I picked up in your post:

    “…the girl I thought was the one … I love her so much. I am lost with out her. I waited a lifetime for her to come along and I lost her. I have not eaten for like 8 days i think, nothing. I can not sleep or work. All I do is sit around staring at my phone hoping she text me or called…” (I’ll stop there).

    I don’t know the circumstances under which you broke up, or the reason, so I can’t really comment on that. However, if you’re trying to get your ex back then make sure she doesn’t have access to these raw emotions.

    I’m not talking about being secretive here – but what you’re feeling is normal and it happens to everybody who suffers a loss (even other animals) so don’t treat this as some kind of weird illness – it isn’t. Instead, accept that this is a normal state and that it WILL pass, and concentrate on making it pass sooner rather than later.

    If you have any sort of contact with her, don’t allow yourself to express the things in your post to her, as tempting as this is going to be! You MUST at least appear independent and ABLE to exist without her – this is a vital part of attraction. Nobody wants somebody who is dependent on them, but rather they want somebody they can depend ON. So act (if you have to) like a man with a path, a mission, a purpose, a man who can take it or leave it. You’re a proposition – what you’re saying is: I have purpose – you can either join me and have an awesome time, or miss out. What you’re NOT saying is: I’m like a weak kitten without you and I need you or I will die. This is a huge turn off – it means you’re not bringing ANYTHING to the table! You need to make your own happiness and revel in it, then connect with somebody who is the same -> a relationship is a kind of deal or arrangement; it’s teamwork. YOU have to bring 50% of the happiness with you into the arrangement.

    So, whilst you suffer inside, keep a lid on it on the outside (in front of her or the person you are trying to attract).

    Think of the saying: fake it till you make it. Act like a man with purpose and things will start to fall into place – others will want to be under your wing.

    If she knows that you felt like a mess, then don’t worry – you can fix this. Bite the bullet and start acting like you got over her (you WILL anyway, one day soon). If anything, she may start to get curious…

    Don’t however pin any hope on getting back together with her – she may have her own plans and you can’t control other people – you only have control of YOUR decisions.

    This is about YOU now, not her, so when I say act independent etc… it’s NOT to create attraction (although it will, with those around you) but rather to heal yourself.

    Remember: either way, you will get over your ex, once you let go.

    Hope that helps.

    All the best
    Jose Gonzalez
    http://www.get-over-your-ex.com
    Hope that helps.

  • J

    When he left me, i dont know whaot to do. I feel its so unfair.. I just left my country, 2 months ago, and we have set everything in order. Just last Monday, he told me, he found someone, and he is very happy, happines he never felt while with me. I cant do anything i’m in the other side of the world.. he just tell me the news thru YM. its painful.. Im living alone in a foreign place, and will be here for the next 4 months. I dont know what to do, coz, im totally devastated. I left my country for ours, and now it ended that following my dreams, cause me of loosing him. I love him so much.. worst of it, he said he was never happy with me. We were togeteehr for 3 years, how could someone be together for that long not being happy at all? we went to different places together.. we spent special occasions together.. Birthdays, Hearts Day, Christmas, New Years..
    the feeling is so painful that i feel like dying…
    i dont know what to do… im so broke and empty.. i feel like im a living dead..
    how could someone forget everyhting you have for just a few months?

  • Leslie

    J – I understand completely what you are feeling as does everyone else who has left a comment here. It is a horrible heart wrenching experience and you truly think you are going to die from it, but you will not. Most of us recover and are better for the experience. Hard to believe, but so true. As much of a cliche` as it is – that which doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger – is very true. Get busy with other things – friends, new experiences – go to a church, go anywhere to take your mind off of it. Do not do things you and he did together. Do not run things into the ground with him – let it go. You will feel better about yourself in the long run. I am only telling you this out of the same experience, but I made a fool out of myself. I wish now I had just walked away and had let him go his own way. My emotional outbursts did nothing to heal anything. I wish you the best. Hang in there.

  • Doug

    Yeah, I agree with Leslie, time will heal your pain, it will take time, and I feel so sad for you living in a strange place. Four months will past quickly though, I know everyday will seem like a million years but before you know it, the time will have passed and you can go back home or where you are from. *hugs*

    Leslie, I hope you are not beating yourself up about feeling like you made a fool of yourself, I can tell you I did too, I think most of us have, we just had a hard time letting go, and if we did not beg that one last time, we would spend the rest of our lives wondering if it would have helped. It didn’t, we know that now, and it is over, sure we looked like a fool, but now we are know we did all we could do. It was over because of them, not us.

  • Leslie

    Doug – I am doing so much better than I was. I am just having fun with my friends and family. It still hurts, but I know I am going to make it. Thanks for your words fo encouragement.

    J – How are you doing? Please know that all of us who have been venting and crying on this blog for months are here for you. Let us know when you are hurting. It really helps. We are strangers, but we are drawn together through heart break. Please reach out cuz we understand.

  • S

    To all my peeps going through what I’m going through. Compliments of Lauren Hill – ex factor
    Just read and keep your head up. – S

    “It could all be so simple
    But you’d rather make it hard
    Loving you is like a battle
    And we both end up with scars
    Tell me who I have to be
    To get some reciprocity
    No one loves you more than me
    And no one ever will
    Is this just a silly game
    That forces you to act this way?
    Forces you to scream my name
    Then pretend that you can’t stay
    Tell me who I have to be
    To get some reciprocity
    No one loves you more than me
    And no one ever will
    [Hook]
    No matter how I think we grow
    You always seem to let me know
    It ain’t workin’, It ain’t workin’ (No, it ain’t workin’)
    And when I try to walk away
    You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
    This is crazy, this is crazy (This is crazy, uh-huh!)
    [Verse Two]
    I keep letting you back in
    How can I explain myself?
    As painful as this thing has been
    I just can’t be with no one else
    See I know what we’ve got to do
    You let go, and I’ll let go too
    ‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you
    And no one ever will
    [Hook]
    No matter how I think we grow
    You always seem to let me know
    It ain’t workin’, It ain’t workin’ (It ain’t workin’ !)
    And when I try to walk away
    You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
    This is crazy, this is crazy
    Care for me, care for me!
    I know you care for me!
    There for me, there for me!
    Said you’d be there for me!
    Cry for me cry for me
    You said you’d die for me
    Give to me give to me
    Why won’t you live for me
    Where were you when I needed you”

  • J

    doug and leslie – thank you. i dont feel well, its been 5 days now, since he told me about it. after that day, i asked him several times, that if its really true that he has someone.. i beg for him.. i really did, because i really cant take the pain right now.. its been 3 days without any communications. it feels so bad. i always found myself wanting to cry.. and everyday i really cried.. my parents doesn’t know yet about this.. only my few closed friend and cousin..
    everyday is a surviving day for me.. too bad i have no friends in this country.. i have no one to cry on… i know someday i can forget, i wish that day could be tomorrow.. i want this feeling gone.. the pain is unbearable…

  • Chris

    Hello everybody, I am currently going through a divorce. I was with her for three years and have been married for one. We have a little girl together that is now 15months. I am unfortunaly the bad guy in this situation because i was the one that decised i wanted the divorce due to our relationship being so complicated. I choose to ask for a divorce from her because i was angry from a fight we were in. I did not even have time to reconsider my choice befor she had found a new man to be with, which is one of her co-workers. It only took her two weeks to fill my posistion. Now that i have calmed down and realized that i cant live without her she has moved on. But heres the twist. She has promised me that she just needs time and that she will most defenatly come back to me. she has told me that i need to trust her and to give her some space. But what i dont get is how does she tell me she loves me but yet she has admited to have oral sex with this man? How is it i should give her space when she is going to move in with him at the end of october. I really want her back but it seems like she is just getting further and futher away from me. I have to see her everyday of the week because i am the one that watches my lil girl during the days while she is at work. so not talking to her is kinda out the question. is it even worth my time to wait for her or should i try to move on without her. She is with another man but acts like she dont want me to be with abnother woman. She tells me she dont want to fall in love with him and wants me but completly condrodics herself with her actions. Im so confused and dont no what to do. Even if we did get back together she said she still wants to be his friend. she has to see him every day at work which i no is going to cause a problem in the future. Plus on top off all that we both cant even get a place together if we wanted to because we are so far in debt with the utility companys. I currently stuck in a nightmare and dont no how to recover. All i want to do is get my life back together with her and continue to live happy. but it seems she is not willing to do that right nowe, it seems my finacial situation is stoping me from getting a place, theres just so many things preventing us from being with eachother. What should i do?

  • Leslie

    J – I know it is so hard to think that anyone could possibly understand your pain or has ever even experienced, but we have. I remember very vividly feeling exactly how you feel right now. I knew without a doubt that I was literally going to die from a broken heart. But I didn’t and you are not going to either. Whatever it takes -I will be here. You need to get involved, make some friends – you can do this. Get some counseling right away. I have not idea what your financial situation is. If you cannot afford it, go to a church, go to a community center – call a depression hotline. There all kinds of resoures out there. Do not be alone – do good things for you. You are worth it. My heart hurts for you because I know how bad you are feeling right now. The man who broke my heart married the woman he cheated on me with today. Long, rough day, but I stayed busy and I surrounded myself with people who truly love me and want the best for me. I got through it and I am moving on. You can and will too.

  • Leslie

    Chris – Sometimes we say and do things that we really regret. My advice to you is to take this time to get your life in order. It sounds to me that you have a lot of issues – get some counseling – for both your emotional well being and your financial issues. If you start doing good things for yourself, she will see this. Believe it or not that will make being with you more appealing. I know it is hard right now, but you have to take care of yourself and your child. Remember that child is first priority and she needs stable parents. Good luck.

  • Chris

    dam leslie you dam near made me cry. I do have consaling classes i have to go to but its just because i mooned her boyfrind and he called the cops on me. i went to jail for like 27 hours and then guess who bailed me out, my wife. when i went to court they charged me with indeceant exposure while they were all laughing at my humerius way of showing my emotions. they put me on probation for a year and required i get some consaling. I have been acting really imature for my age the last few months, and it all because this love shit is driving me crazy, and i know that fighting will turn bad so i do the imature shit like mooning her, or sending her dirty pics of my you know what..lol All this is more than likely pushing her away, but i love getting there reactions. I hung a banner out side her house that was like 24 feet long on a fence that said i still love you, and it was when they were haveing a famliy get together. she thought it was sweet but her famliy banned me from coming there to see my daughter. I know i have to let here go in order to get her back but its hard to do that when shes telling me she dont want me to let go, and that she wants me back. but then shes still cuddling up to him, eatting her out, taking famliy photos with him and my daughter. I want to trust her but have no reason to. is there still hope if i were to just stop all emotional connections with her, like kissing ,sex, going out to eat,etc.?

  • peacefulchaos

    brilliant.

  • Leslie

    Dear Peacefulchaos,

    I wish I could claim sheer brilliance. However, I must admit, any insight I have comes purely from my own experiences with the same issues. This is not just “head” talk, it is definitely “heart” talk. There is always the desire to help someone else avoid the same pain and chaos we have experienced by attempting to impart that “learned” knowledge to them. Unfortunately, more times than not, humans tend to have to live the pain and chaos for themselves. I am guilty as well.

  • Doug

    Chris,

    My advice to you would be let her go. Usually your first decision is the right one, there had to be reasons you felt you had to do what you did. As time goes on you would just end up resenting one another more and more.

    Her moving on so quick can only mean she was not really happy in the relationship neither, right? If you love her, I say let her go, and do not wait for her to come back to you, just from what you said here, I think we both know that is not going to happen, she has someone new. I understand it is painful, your heart is calling for her because of the time and the memories you shared, but I am sure in your mind you know you did the right thing.

    Other than that, what Lislie said applies, take care of yourself, get your life straigtened out, and the like.

    Life will get better, if she never comes back to you, you will find someone else who will, maybe someone more compatible next time around, and in the end you will be happier.

  • Leslie

    Chris – Doug is right. As much as what happened to me just about destroyed me, I am stronger, wiser – overall a better person. I realize now that there is ultimately a plan that we have very little control over. The only thing we can control is how we choose to behave and react. I have made a decision to be happy and to “live in the moment.” Look at the good stuff around you. Don’t just look – take it in, breathe it, live it. You will move on quicker than you think and take away so much that will make you, and those you love, much happier.

  • Alan

    I was dating a woman for almost 2 years. She cheated on me twice while we were apart (due to work). I yelled, called her bad names, told her to get out of my life, and was walking away when…
    she grabbed me and cried in my lap for a whole night and swore how sorry she was and how sad she was and how she was going to change because I was the best thing in her life. Then we had to be separated again (again due to work) and she asked if she could come visit me…I said I wont say yes or no, I want it to be your decision. She came out, again telling me all these things about how I was the one. For the next week we communicate, when I call on the weekend I got the one line “I dont want to be together anymore, I need to be alone and work on my issues before I can be with someone.” Needless to say I was devastated because I had forgiven her and took her back and thats when she decided to break it off. So I spend the next week trying to get answers why and she refuses to give me any solid answers only saying she needs to be alone and work out problems in her life and that she needs to prove to herself that she can do it by herself, without any “crutches” as she put it. Well I went to see her and see if we could talk about this and work answers out…and I caught her with another man, which she tried to lie about at first. She claims “its not that type of relationship”, meaning they’re just sex buddies. It makes it even worse because I see here selling her morals (she was always telling me about how sex is sacred and emotional and blah blah) and her respect, just to be satisfied. As sad as it makes me feel, it was also a good thing to see that with my own eyes; I still feel strongly for her but the type of woman/person she is becoming is a person that I do not respect or like. That however, does not make the broken heart any better…but yeah exercise is a good release!

  • Leslie

    I think what upset me more than the cheating was the lying. I felt so disrepected. I may not like what someone is doing to me, but I would rather they be upfront with me than for them to lie about and then I find out. That is the ultimate in disrespect. We all deserve better than that.

  • Doug

    Leslie,

    What we do with what happens to us in our lives defines who we are, sure you can relate to the others that post here, but what you have done with your hurt and pain is brilliant. I think so anyway. You have a lot to say to help others; you are obviously a very compassionate and loving person.

  • Leslie

    Thank you Doug. If you read my previous postings, I was on the verge of jumping off. I decided that I could not let what happen (more specifically, what another person did to me) define me in a negative and devastating way. I made a decision that I was going to use this in a positive and helpful way. As I have done this, it has encouraged my own healing and recovery. It is an every day process, but at least now it is daily instead of minute by minute. There was a time when all I could do was get by minute to minute. I want people who are going through this, or some other dramatic event in their life, that minute to minute is okay – as long as you as you are surviving – the minutes turn into hourse, the hours into days and eventually you will find that a week and then a month has gone by and you have actually slept through the night and awakened without the terror. Survive – do not let someone or something defeat you. Grow and evolve – You can.

  • chris

    I would like to thank leslie and doug for there input on my situation. I am very gratfull for your consern. Its just really hard to forget someone who is telling you they want you but sleeping with nother man in the meantime untill they make a decision. Its hurts so fuckin bad. I had to call her today agienst my will in order to get a title noterized with it being a sunday. I fuckin killed me, and i became so appoligedict to her, telling her i was only acting out f desperation and jelusey. I even went as far as texting her boyfriend and appoligized to him for being so inmature and starting shit. I recently ad my car break down and i start my new job tomarro. So i feel despret agien ,lonley, and forgotin. Everytime i open a frickin window, its like some one slams it shu right befor im about to pass threw it causing me to smack my face on it. wtf else could go wrong in my shitty ass life. The only thing i look foward to is watching my daughter, but every tim i want to watch her i have to see her. I feel i will become weak and want to kiss her, tell her i still love her no matter what. I have a bad habit of doing this that im not aloud to do. its like a fetish of some sort. If she comes her to drop the kid off i will want to kiss her just because i no im not suposed to. s there cure out side of consaling. i hear every body say times curs all. But with my actions i feel its only goin to get worse for me and im going to end up in jail, or a loony bin. I have even had thoughts of wreaking my car to the point were i have to go to the hospital because i thik she wouldrelize she allmost lost me and come to the hospital to redeem our love.

  • J

    leslie – thanks very much. i’m really glad i found this site.. i hope i can finally move on..

  • Leslie

    Chris – You may think your behavior and thoughts are extreme and totally out there. The truth is most of us think and sometimes act in the same manner. I do not even want to tell anyone some of the horrible things I actually fantasized about. You have GOT to get this under control – you are not going to be good to anyone in jail. People will be forced to get a restraining order and you will not see your daughter. Talk to someone – it would be best if it was an ojective third party.

    You do not believe right now that anyone else could possibly have ever felt this way or acted out in this way. We all did – we all wanted to scream, cry, beg and at times do outrageous things to make this person stop and pay attention. The truth is they will look at it you and then move even further away. If you ever want a chance of having any type of relationship with her, you have got to redirect all this anger. You have got to turn this around in a positive manner. It is hard , sometimes damn near impossible, but focus on something else. Focus on your new job. Sit down an write out an action plan. Start out with this week. Write down each day what your goal is for that day – it can be very simply and probably should be. Get through one day without doing something negative to hurt yourself or others. One day at a time – eventually do a plan for where you want to be in a month – in a year. Focus on your goals – on your dreams. If you really want the relationship back or you want to have a new relationship, you are going to have to focus on YOU. You cannot change anyone else – just you.

    Chris – Get through the day – foucs on the good stuff. There is a lot of good stuff.

  • Leslie

    Chris – I just read the message about the mooning activity. You do have a very interesting way of venting. I think you are a sensitive guy with a great sense of humor. You obviously love hard. You can use just these things I pointed to in a good, positive way. You are not as messed up as you think.

  • Paul

    I was with my partner for only 3 months when she just left me with no reason at all. I have been hurt in the past and was doing fine by myself and happy with my life. Then i met her, she did all the chasing for a few weeks before we got together. She had a young baby girl of 2.5 years that i took on and looked after as my own. I loved the 3 of us together like our own little family. I didnt rush things we just went with the flow and things were great. I dropped her and her daughter off at home on a saturday morning and that was the last time i saw them. She ignored my texts and phone calls for the next few days. Then i got a tex saying she needed to be on her own and had things going on she didnt want me getting involved with. I miss my 2 girls with all my heart and carry the loss and lonley feelings with me everyday. It’s been only a week and i know things will get better. I cant stop feelin sad and am struggling to get on with my life. They have left such an empty voide in my life. Will i ever be happy again? Cant stop thinking about her being happier without me and getting on with her life without me. I know i’m being selfish because deep down i do lover her and hope her and her daughter will be happy in life. It’s just that right now i’m not coping at all well. Any advise would really help – i’m very lost right now

    Paul

  • Chris

    Thank you lez, your inpute means alot to me. I have figured out what i think she needs from me, something that i never provided for her in the past. In the past i fail to be a man and take care of all my responsability, i was unstable at my job due to famliy being involed with my work. I have failed at provideing her the stability she needs to feel sucure for herself and our daughter. I beleave down in my heart that if i stay with this job and remain stable, it will prove to her and her famliy that im trying. It will help me be a man and take care off bills if for some reason she were to lose her position at work. I think she is looking for sucurity and im going to do my best to provide that for her, my daughter and myself in the future. thx i hope to hear from you agien. Its my time to leave the boyish shit behind me and be the man that she longs for and needs.

  • Leslie

    Chris – It sounds like you are making some positive steps and that is great. However, let me advise you to make these changes for you. It has to be for you and then others will notice a change in you, but do not all of this on the chance that she will come back to you. That still may not happen, but that does not mean that the changes you have made are not worthwhile. It will make you a better person for you and, ultimately, you will be able to give more to the others in your life. You have got to put you first. Take care of you. It is good to hear from you and I wish you the best.

    Les

  • Neil

    Thanks for this post – I really needed something like this.

  • Sigh

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and he is absolutely perfect for me… we share so much in common and just get along so wonderfully…. we were both our firsts… and I’ve had a rough life lacking love from friends or family. In the end this translated into me being very needy with him, and ultimately I paid the price with him leaving me recently. I was just beginning to change too, I just didn’t change enough… I KNEW i was doing everything wrong and making him feel bad and I know exactly what needs to be done, the positive changes in my life… but now I don’t have the chance to show them to him… with him… I love him so much and I can’t stop crying. I have never met anyone like him and have never gotten along with anyone like that… not even remotely… this hurts so much. I wish I had friends t