• Wed, May 28 2008

SoloMother confession

I’ve been debating whether to write about this publicly, or if I should just let Rachel Sarah do the single mother seeking blogs and let my love life–or lack thereof–go off record.

Flowers by C. Zola

I got dumped right before my birthday. And I had to let go of a friend who was needy and manipulative and no good for me. Two sides of the same coin, really.

There’s a lot I’m kicking myself about, right now…

In all the months I’ve been seeing this man, I’ve been making excuses for him. He’s down. He’s going through a really rough patch. He had a bad divorce. He’s an extreme introvert. I’ve been kinder to him, and less considerate of my own needs and feelings, than I normally would have been had he not been dealing with Issues.

But in looking over my journals, I could kick myself in the head. It’s all there. Every doubt I had about him. Every concrete flash of insight into the fact that he just wasn’t the One. My friends have been terribly kind and patient with me, and allowed me to work this all out on my own time, only occasionally giving me a sharp nudge to remind me that I can do better, I deserve better. The best thing about dating him was that I was no longer alone all the time. I had someone to watch movies with, cook dinner with, go dancing with. The worst thing? I was lonely.

You know, he never once gave me flowers. I’ve received four lovely bouquets in as many days from friends who truly care about me, value me, and want to see me happy.

Keep a journal, single moms. Write with brutal honesty, and then find a good hiding place so it won’t fall into the wrong hands. Read it often, not only at the end of something. Listen to that inner voice that might be trying very hard to tell you something important. If you do insist on ignoring your own good sense, at least don’t beat yourself up too badly when it pipes up with a loud, annoyed, “I TOLD YOU SO.”

Listen to yourself. SoloMother says so. I’ll write up some bullet points on self esteem tomorrow. I think I could use a refresher course.

Share This Post:
  • Tim

    Ah yes, trust your instincts. There have been times where I pursued someone, and my intuition, reading the warning signs, was screaming, loudly, “Run away!”. Still I chased on, until my mind finally realized some time later what my gut knew almost immediately.

    I’ve finally realized when my intuition speaks, I need to listen to it very carefully. I’m sorry you had to endure so much recently, but it’s my sincere wish that jettisoning this person from your life sets you free. Perhaps your new bike will be emblematic your new freedom!

  • http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog Single Mom Seeking

    You know I get it darling!!

    Thanks for opening up here. We all know that you deserve the most amazing bouquet of wild flowers — and more.

  • http://www.solomother.com christina

    Rachel, thanks, dahlink. When you coming out to the Right Coast to promote your next book?

    :)

  • http://fromthegrayfortress.wordpress.com Leslie

    I’m glad you chose to treat yourself right, even though it hurts.

    What beautiful flowers, you can’t help but feel a little bit better in their presence!

  • http://momgadget.com Gayla McCord

    Been there done that! You want so much to believe there’s good there – and you want to be there when it finally emerges – then it doesn’t.

    I was the queen of excuses for a very long time – it’s not a good place to be. I’m so glad you are wiser and out of that.

    Beautiful flowers! You deserve them. You’re doing a job that most women can’t do alone.

  • http://crunchygreenmom.blogspot.com Suzanne Bastien

    YES! Great advice! *hugs*

  • JP

    Pardon me, but screw the self-esteem talking points.

    Look at what you’ve achieved in your life professionally, personally, parentally, daughterly, friendly, and otherly. Look the the eyes of the KoE. LOOK IN A MIRROR!

    Self-esteem comes not fromt lectures, not even self-delivered/received. Some people are entitled to it, some others not so much.

    I know you not well, but know you have done much to make the world a better place. Hell, this blog alone, if one truly believes that every life touched and eased is of value, oughta do it.

    Earlier wounds that cut deeply seldom fully heal from the poison. All too easy to well up anew, make us see ourselves not through our own eyes but through those of a hurtful other.

    Too many people in your life, even in the necessarily narrow picture presented here, think well of you. Either they all be liars, or thou art well. Physician, see the truth and heal thyself.

    Peace.

  • http://2bestrong.wordpress.com/ Strong One

    I can only say congratulations on taking that leap. I can remember staying with someone just so I wasn’t alone. Being miserable and making excuses was ‘better’ than being alone.
    I could go on and on about that one!
    The truth of the matter is, if we find someone and decide that we can ‘change’ them we should try and rememeber : You can’t change who people are without destroying who they were.
    Great post, and an applause for having the courage to make those thoughts public.
    :)

  • http://thriftymommy.com Thrifty Karen

    Good for you! I’m glad you listened to your instincts and I trust that you’re feeling better now.

  • http://www.solomother.com christina

    Karen, I’m still having days when it’s harder than others, but mostly, I’m chugging on up that hill. Thank you for caring!

  • http://collage-life.livejournal.com Collage-Life

    Wow.
    I am so blown away by your entry. My friend sent it to me this morning, a few moments ago. I know *exactly* what that feels like. Too much, in fact. So, first, I wish you strength to stay away from harm, and then I send you vibes that you will not be afraid to be alone. (Alone, by the way, is different from being lonely; alone is a choice, often. Enjoy the power of your choice.)

    I have struggled with the same situation and it hurts; it’s still quite fresh and reading your words helped me see I, too, made the right decision.

  • Pingback: For all you mothers out there looking at 40 and beyond

  • Pingback: Birthday party etiquette