So how many weddings have you attended this summer season? Okay, of that number, how many have you actually wanted to attend? After years of sitting through the nuptials of friends and family members, (and paying through the nose to get waxed, plucked, threaded, manicured, polished, styled, and dressed beforehand), here’s what I’ve decided about them: Weddings usually end up being about half as fun as the bride and groom think they are. (And I don’t make this statement as a bitter, old, always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride spinster. I’m married, and I’m pretty sure that, in actuality, my wedding was probably only half as fun as my husband and I thought it was.)
So, in the spirit of good-natured wedding fatigue, here are eight invitation response cards we really wish we’d had the guts to send:
__ I/We will attend, but reluctantly, and with serious reservations, because you always say that THIS PERSON is THE ONE, and that you’re sure it’s GOING TO WORK OUT THIS TIME. We give it six months, max. Meantime, we’ll have the filet mignon.
__ I/We will attend, but only because you’re getting hitched at an amazing, oceanfront Great Gatsby-esque property, and there may be some mid-level celebrities in attendance (allegedly), and also, who are we to say no to free food and all-you-can-drink champers, especially during this extended period of recession? There will be all-you-can-drink champers, right? And is there a vegetarian option?
__ I/We will not attend, because, frankly, I/We cannot for the life of us figure out why the hell we were even invited to your stupid wedding in the first place. I mean, you and I worked together like, nine years ago, for what, maybe two months? We didn’t even work on the same floor, for Chrissakes! And we were temps.
__ I/We will not attend, because, frankly, I/We really don’t want to waste an entire summer weekend on you and your dumb wedding, when I/We could be doing a million other fun things that don’t involve A) getting hit on by your twice-divorced uncle with bad breath, B) buying you expensive crap for your house that you could just buy yourself, and C) getting stuck at the goddamn kids’ table.
__ I/We will not attend, because frankly, I/We tire of this custom of spending way too much money on a dress, shoes, bag, and wedding present, booking a hotel room, and renting a car, only to be relegated to the singles (read: spinsters) table, which is far more depressing (and less entertaining) than the kids’ table.
__ I/We will not attend, because you selfishly decided to have your overpriced destination wedding on a tiny, remote tropical private island that’s accessible only by boat or seaplane, and we can no more afford to travel there for the weekend than we can hop aboard Richard Branson’s luxury space shuttle for private tours of the moon. Thanks for not offering to fly everyone down there and foot the bill. Assholes. But congratulations to you both!
__ I/We will not attend, because, thanks to that magical invention called the postmark, I/We know you mailed us the invitation to your wedding just three weeks prior to the big day. Can you say C-List? We can.
__ I/We will not attend, because I/We really just don’t like you. Never did, in fact. But I/We wish you the best of luck being part of the 40% of couples who don’t end up divorced!