Dear paranoid, irrational, germophobic humans:
We understand from recent media reports that some of you have become infatuated – dare we say, obsessed – with us lately. We can’t blame you, but this madness really has to stop.
We live together, and yet we don’t know each other at all. You’re so critical, so judgmental, so hateful, so unwilling to work on the problems in our relationship. It’s sad, really.
Now, we don’t want to get into a whole name-calling thing here, but we think you’re being hypocritical – and we don’t take pleasure in saying so.
But you go to the beach. You sit outside. Mosquitoes bite you. You scratch, complain briefly, apply ointments, and perhaps suggest to your host that he invest in screens. But do you fumigate the boardwalk, set your host’s front porch on fire, and throw away the sundress, flip-flops, or Bermuda shorts you were wearing on the night you drank frozen margaritas in front of the beach bonfire and got 17 mosquito bites? No, you do not.
Even worse, you go back to the beach, weekend after weekend, summer after summer, year after year – only to get bitten again and again. As if that weren’t bad enough, you consistently exhibit this same masochistic behavior at the lake (hideous horse flies), the mountains (odious black flies), and yes, even in your own home: We hate to tell you this, but your filthy pets have fleas, and your bratty kids have head lice. (Which is just plain gross. Please keep them away from us.) And do you wage war against the millions of no-see-ums in your backyard? Of course you don’t, because they’re tiny and have a cute name. Personally, we no-see-the-attraction.
So why the hell are you in such a panic over us all of a sudden – particularly in urban areas like New York City? We don’t spread disease (thank menacing mosquitoes for West Nile Virus and those fricking ticks for Lyme Disease), crawl around your kitchen counters (have you ever seen an earwig? talk about ugly), or cause you any major harm. All we do is nibble you a little, and hell, lots of you don’t even feel our bites or end up scratching at all.
Sure, we may inadvertently give some of you an impressive reddish rash (we can’t help it), but do us a favor and please don’t call us “disgusting” or “nasty” in public. That hurts our feelings. Who do you think we are, anyway, pubic lice? (The very definition of disgusting. And we know you’ve had the crabs, by the way. We live in your bed, remember?) Furthermore, do you have any idea how many dust mites you reside with every day in your McMansions with granite countertops, media rooms, and cathedral ceilings? No, you don’t. And you sure as hell don’t want to, either.
Look, our bites aren’t even dangerous. But do you know what is dangerous? Lack of communication. Isn’t that what your couples counselor is always telling you and your spouse during your sessions? At least, that’s what we hear you saying when you’re both in bed late at night trying not to fight about your couples counseling sessions. (Not that we’re eavesdropping from the box spring below. We’re not. But while we’re on the subject, could you keep it down up there?)
And we really hate to see you waste such exorbitant amounts of money on fancy so-called exterminators who “specialize” in bedbug treatments. What a scam. If you think these guys are spraying anything different around your house than that standard toxic cockroach spray (another vile insect that we are not), then you’re kidding yourselves. And as far as burning your entire wardrobes – every single article of clothing – that’s just retarded. And we’re not just saying that because we could potentially die as a result. Because you can’t actually kill us. Not to brag or anything, but we’re kind of invincible and indestructible. Oh, and we can go anywhere we want, anytime, really, really fast. It’s pretty cool, actually.
So what are we asking of you, our charmingly skittish, germophobic human hosts? Nothing much. We just respectfully request that you stop treating us like common killer bees, scorpions, or fire ants. We are not scabies, mange, or the brown recluse spider, so please do not vilify us as such. We love you, and we just want to be with you. And, like you, we are only as God made us.
Your roommates for life,