An Open Letter to Paranoid Humans (From Misunderstood Bedbugs)

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Dear paranoid, irrational, germophobic humans:

We understand from recent media reports that some of you have become infatuated – dare we say, obsessed – with us lately. We can’t blame you, but this madness really has to stop.

We live together, and yet we don’t know each other at all. You’re so critical, so judgmental, so hateful, so unwilling to work on the problems in our relationship. It’s sad, really.

Now, we don’t want to get into a whole name-calling thing here, but we think you’re being hypocritical – and we don’t take pleasure in saying so.

But you go to the beach. You sit outside. Mosquitoes bite you. You scratch, complain briefly, apply ointments, and perhaps suggest to your host that he invest in screens. But do you fumigate the boardwalk, set your host’s front porch on fire, and throw away the sundress, flip-flops, or Bermuda shorts you were wearing on the night you drank frozen margaritas in front of the beach bonfire and got 17 mosquito bites? No, you do not.

Even worse, you go back to the beach, weekend after weekend, summer after summer, year after year – only to get bitten again and again. As if that weren’t bad enough, you consistently exhibit this same masochistic behavior at the lake (hideous horse flies), the mountains (odious black flies), and yes, even in your own home: We hate to tell you this, but your filthy pets have fleas, and your bratty kids have head lice. (Which is just plain gross. Please keep them away from us.) And do you wage war against the millions of no-see-ums in your backyard? Of course you don’t, because they’re tiny and have a cute name. Personally, we no-see-the-attraction.

So why the hell are you in such a panic over us all of a sudden – particularly in urban areas like New York City? We don’t spread disease (thank menacing mosquitoes for West Nile Virus and those fricking ticks for Lyme Disease), crawl around your kitchen counters (have you ever seen an earwig? talk about ugly), or cause you any major harm. All we do is nibble you a little, and hell, lots of you don’t even feel our bites or end up scratching at all.

Sure, we may inadvertently give some of you an impressive reddish rash (we can’t help it), but do us a favor and please don’t call us “disgusting” or “nasty” in public. That hurts our feelings. Who do you think we are, anyway, pubic lice? (The very definition of disgusting. And we know you’ve had the crabs, by the way. We live in your bed, remember?) Furthermore, do you have any idea how many dust mites you reside with every day in your McMansions with granite countertops, media rooms, and cathedral ceilings? No, you don’t. And you sure as hell don’t want to, either.

Look, our bites aren’t even dangerous. But do you know what is dangerous? Lack of communication. Isn’t that what your couples counselor is always telling you and your spouse during your sessions? At least, that’s what we hear you saying when you’re both in bed late at night trying not to fight about your couples counseling sessions. (Not that we’re eavesdropping from the box spring below. We’re not. But while we’re on the subject, could you keep it down up there?)

And we really hate to see you waste such exorbitant amounts of money on fancy so-called exterminators who “specialize” in bedbug treatments. What a scam. If you think these guys are spraying anything different around your house than that standard toxic cockroach spray (another vile insect that we are not), then you’re kidding yourselves. And as far as burning your entire wardrobes – every single article of clothing – that’s just retarded. And we’re not just saying that because we could potentially die as a result. Because you can’t actually kill us. Not to brag or anything, but we’re kind of invincible and indestructible. Oh, and we can go anywhere we want, anytime, really, really fast. It’s pretty cool, actually.

So what are we asking of you, our charmingly skittish, germophobic human hosts? Nothing much. We just respectfully request that you stop treating us like common killer bees, scorpions, or fire ants. We are not scabies, mange, or the brown recluse spider, so please do not vilify us as such. We love you, and we just want to be with you. And, like you, we are only as God made us.

Sleep tight.

Your roommates for life,

The Bedbugs

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    • mef

      now I feel bad for them

    • BeenThere

      There is even a mattress ad here (Jacksonville, FL) that claims your mattress is double it’s weight in just 8 years due to bed bugs! What a crock!

      • Celly

        Actually, it’s not due to bedbugs. Extra weight is added over time due to mites. They live off of skin and dirt particles left that we leave behind. The type of mites that live in mattresses are harmless, and there are probably similar mites in our couches and other places that we shed skin on a regular basis. They simply feed on the dead skin and such that we leave behind. In addition to various mites that live in our homes and live off of particles that we leave behind from daily living, we are also a host to various mites, that live naturally on our own bodies. There are mites on our eyelashes, and mites that live in the pores of our face, for example. They’ve been there all our lives and go completely unnoticed because they are so small. It’s not until someone brings it to attention, that it becomes an issue, because of the “gross factor”. Not all mites, bugs or insects are harmful, as a matter of fact, most are beneficial in some way. As for the ad, I am unsure if a mattress will double in weight in 8 years, as I have never had a mattress longer then 6. I have noticed a weight increase, however, over time, as we tend to flip our mattress over every few months.

    • Meagan

      In the process of treating my house myself, we have made a huge impact on them but not Gone. I moved in my apartment in November and shortly after smeone moved in next door and within a month we were getting bitten. I hate to blame, but we were not getting them until the other people moved in next to us. However I have gotten a poison from the Feed store in town and it is working wonders to control them.

    • Celly

      Dear Bedbugs,

      I am not scared of you, nor am I ignorant to your physiology or function. I do sympathize with your plight, however I can not stand to live in close quarters with you. I understand that you do not spread disease, but you do spread digested blood around everywhere, when you defecate. I enjoy clean sheets, and bite free skin, and you are really putting a cramp in my style. Please consider this your 30 day notice, to get the hell out of my home. Go take up residence in the woods somewhere, far far away. There are many other animals to choose from, if you crave nourishment. Some are even witless, and won’t even care. Your claims of immortality are laughable. While your predecessors were hardy, and could live for years without feeding. Your newer, chemical resistant generations are susceptible to starvation after 2 months. I have no qualms about sealing you inside my home for 2 months, along with an army of masked bed bug hunters to feast on your remains, so don’t push me.

      Sincerely yours,

    • richard weinstein

      Yeh, I feel real sorry for you. Why don’t you come here ( no really) so I can KILL you and your family including your little babies. Nothing personal – strictly business!