Infomercials are the best and worst part of an insomnia-fueled late-night TV binge. On the plus side, their hilariously low production values can do more to induce you into a soporific state than the hilariously low production values of, say, an original Beverly Hills, 90210 rerun. The downside, however, is that the infomercials that hawk “clothes” for lazy people may force you to face the possibility that Americans are regressing into sad lumps of unproductiveness, incapable of dealing with the simplest of everyday tasks.
Take, for example, Pajama Jeans. Marketed as a hybrid of stretchy jeans and soft pajama pants, Pajama Jeans are little more than boot-cut jeggings — in other words, maternity jeans for people who aren’t pregnant. But that infomercial magic is tricky. “It’s a struggle to fit into ordinary jeans. They’re uncomfortable and leave marks on your skin,” the convincing voiceover lady intones. And if it’s late enough and you’re tired enough, and have been skipping your workouts lately, you may find yourself nodding along in a zombie-like state. Why yes, jeans are uncomfortable! It sure can be a bummer having to put on actual clothes all the time as a human member of society. What do I look like, a real-clothes-putting-on person?
Once you’ve regained your senses after a good night’s sleep, however, you’ll realize that no, jeans actually aren’t that difficult to operate. Especially when the alternative is a pair of chintzy, trumped-up jeggings that are surprisingly expensive. Our advice: Buy jeans that actually fit you.
Blankets, on the other hand, those seem to cause a whole host of problems for the average American. Sure, you already know about everyone’s favorite blanket with sleeves (I’m sorry, but I just can’t say the word “Slanket”), but if you can’t be trusted to keep even that embarrassing piece of apparel swaddled around your shivering body, then Forever Lazy is the product for you. Forever Lazy, per the infomercial, is “the one-piece, lie-around, lounge-around, full-body lazywear that covers you head-to-toe in soft, warm fleece.” But it’s really just a giant, fuzzy onesie for adults that makes you look ridiculous. And if you’re too lazy to take off your Forever Lazy when you need to visit the bathroom? There’s a zippered hatch, of course. Lest you be at all inconvenienced.
Is this really what America has come to? Have we given up on structured pants, shirts, and blankets that must be operated manually in order to swaddle ourselves in flowing fleece 24/7? Do we need our weights to lift themselves? Has the idea of layering a full camisole under a low-cut blouse become laughably outmoded, the sartorial equivalent of churning butter by hand? If not, well, someone should let the makers of these absurd products know. And if there really are consumers out there who are that lazy, hopefully they’re at least too slothful to actually get off the couch, find their credit card, and order any of this nonsense.