Pajama Jeans and Slankets: Our Unhealthy Obsession With Clothes for Lazy People

Forever Lazy, anywhere and everywhere

Infomercials are the best and worst part of an insomnia-fueled late-night TV binge. On the plus side, their hilariously low production values can do more to induce you into a soporific state than the hilariously low production values of, say, an original Beverly Hills, 90210 rerun. The downside, however, is that the infomercials that hawk “clothes” for lazy people may force you to face the possibility that Americans are regressing into sad lumps of unproductiveness, incapable of dealing with the simplest of everyday tasks.

Take, for example, Pajama Jeans. Marketed as a hybrid of stretchy jeans and soft pajama pants, Pajama Jeans are little more than boot-cut jeggings — in other words, maternity jeans for people who aren’t pregnant. But that infomercial magic is tricky. “It’s a struggle to fit into ordinary jeans. They’re uncomfortable and leave marks on your skin,” the convincing voiceover lady intones. And if it’s late enough and you’re tired enough, and have been skipping your workouts lately, you may find yourself nodding along in a zombie-like state. Why yes, jeans are uncomfortable! It sure can be a bummer having to put on actual clothes all the time as a human member of society. What do I look like, a real-clothes-putting-on person?

Once you’ve regained your senses after a good night’s sleep, however, you’ll realize that no, jeans actually aren’t that difficult to operate. Especially when the alternative is a pair of chintzy, trumped-up jeggings that are surprisingly expensive. Our advice: Buy jeans that actually fit you.

Blankets, on the other hand, those seem to cause a whole host of problems for the average American. Sure, you already know about everyone’s favorite blanket with sleeves (I’m sorry, but I just can’t say the word “Slanket”), but if you can’t be trusted to keep even that embarrassing piece of apparel swaddled around your shivering body, then Forever Lazy is the product for you. Forever Lazy, per the infomercial, is “the one-piece, lie-around, lounge-around, full-body lazywear that covers you head-to-toe in soft, warm fleece.” But it’s really just a giant, fuzzy onesie for adults that makes you look ridiculous. And if you’re too lazy to take off your Forever Lazy when you need to visit the bathroom? There’s a zippered hatch, of course. Lest you be at all inconvenienced.

Is this really what America has come to? Have we given up on structured pants, shirts, and blankets that must be operated manually in order to swaddle ourselves in flowing fleece 24/7? Do we need our weights to lift themselves? Has the idea of layering a full camisole under a low-cut blouse become laughably outmoded, the sartorial equivalent of churning butter by hand? If not, well, someone should let the makers of these absurd products know. And if there really are consumers out there who are that lazy, hopefully they’re at least too slothful to actually get off the couch, find their credit card, and order any of this nonsense.

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    • Kim

      If you notice, most of these idiot products pop up around …. Christmas! I am pretty sure that is BECAUSE there aren’t actually that many people too dumb too operate a blanket or too lazy to buy pants that fit, but there are alot of people who have absolutely no idea what to buy their parents/kids. I mean, did anyone else notice that the sleeved blanket add is populated by quite a few grandparents?

    • Manda

      Has it occurred to any of you, who tend to be pretty health conscious, that there is NOTHING healthy about wearing clothes that are “structured” (read: painful)?

      It’s not “lazy” to wear pants that are more comfortable. And assuming that someone must be “skipping their workouts” if their clothes are uncomfortable is beyond ignorant. And I find it beyond insulting that because I choose to wear clothing that doesn’t hurt me, I’m somehow considered a sloth by default.

      I don’t own any of the products you bag so hard on, save for a Snuggie (I’ll get to that in a minute), but I DO buy clothing that is extremely loose, baggy, or has elastic in it so that it isn’t painful. Why?

      Because I have fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis, NOT because I’m “lazy”. And even if I DIDN’T have two extremely painful diseases, I doubt I’d be inclined to wear clothing that is uncomfortable, anyways. What is with this OBSESSION with wearing uncomfortable clothes to look more presentable? Or to be a “real-clothes-putting-on-person”? REALLY? You REALLY just used such a term? Clothes are defined as anything that covers your damn body. Their comfort level shouldn’t dictate what consists as real or unreal.

      I’m sorry, but it seems pretty twisted to think we should have to be uncomfortable to look educated and respectable. If someone can’t respect me, even though I refuse to put myself in pain for the sake of fashion, then I don’t really WANT their respect. I’m not about to apologize for the fact that 95% of the clothing on the market is painful to me. Even my most-comfortable clothes, tend to hurt in someway because my fibro causes allodynia. It’s not my fault that I have a disorder that puts me in an insurmountable amount of pain to begin with, and I’ll be damned if I am going to put myself in even more pain just to look “acceptable” to people who are so shallow, they’d look down on me for wearing unstructured clothing.

      As for the Snuggie, because of my MS, I tend to go from rapid overheating, to freezing, in a matter of minutes. So yes, I like having something that covers my whole body, that I can whip on and off easily (while keeping my hands functional) when I’m rapid cycling between teeth-chattering chills, and strip-to-my-undies hotflashes.

      I actually thought Blisstree was a site dedicated to helping people live healthier lives, but apparently it’s just another soapbox for judgmental, shallow people who have nothing better to do than judge people based off of the clothing they choose to wear. Like, oh my god, we’re back in highschool! Hurray.

      So disappointed, especially since this is apparently such a huge topic that it needed to have two posts in one day. Good grief.

    • luke neilsen