Dear Charlie Sheen:
We read an excerpt from your new exclusive interview with Life&Style magazine in which you make the following claims: “I’m really starting to lose my mind,” and “I’m ready to call anyone to help.”
Well, Chuckles, look no further. Blisstree, your friendly health and wellness website (for men, too, not just for goddesses!) is here for you. We are anyone.
To prove it, we’d like to offer you some health advice based on the stuff you spouted in that Life&Style article. Now, we’re not medical doctors or psychiatrists or bitchin’ rock stars, but you don’t seem to hold the former two in very high regard anyway, so this relationship could work out nicely for both of us. No offense, but the ladies and gentlemen with whom you reside and fraternize on Sober Valley Ranch don’t necessarily seem to have your best interests at heart. We do.
So here are three excerpts from your Life&Style exclusive, and our (free!) advice to you, Charles:
1. You: I’m really starting to lose my mind.
Us: Don’t ever underestimate your spirit, talent, character, and abilities, Charlie. You lost your mind a long, long time ago. (That’s what you can expect from Blisstree, Charlie — tough love and frank talk. The truth hurts, doesn’t it? Now you know how we felt when we watched Two and a Half Men that one time.)
2. You: I’m really trying to contain myself right now…My lawyer wants to come over to my house and take the bullets out of my gun.
Us: Charlie, please, for the love of Jon Cryer, don’t keep a loaded gun in your home. We’re all for the second amendment, but it’s really not smart, especially with young children around. (We’re actually not all for the second amendment, except when it comes to responsible hunting practices, but we just didn’t want you to shoot us.) Oh, and if your lawyer does show up at your house and try to take the bullets out of your gun, don’t shoot him just because you’re paying him $1,000 an hour and it took him 1 1/2 hours to drive over to Sober Valley Ranch. Instead, have one of the goddesses make him a martini, and then check your Twitter account or something. Also, if you’re really trying to contain yourself, here’s a tip: Do less media. (Except Blisstree. You can talk to Blisstree anytime.)
Regarding Brooke Mueller, the mother of your young twin sons:
3. You: She can’t keep them from me…I won’t let her — I’ll do anything to get them back.
Us: We don’t like where this is going, Charlie. (See #1.) You’re starting to remind us of a certain former NFL football player, sometime actor, Hertz spokesman, and current prison inmate — and it makes us a little squirmy. Let your kids spend some time with their respective moms and other relatives for a while. You’re far too busy for those bratty props, anyway. You have many, many more cameras to appear in front of, and many, many more disturbing rants to spew. You need to continue concentrating on and obsessing over the most important thing in your life: You. That’s something you do really well, Charlie. And we’re proud of you for it. As always, good for you.
We hope this complimentary consultation has been helpful to you, Charlie, and we look forward to receiving an incomprehensible phone call from you in the near future during which you say unbalanced and unhinged things to us. (Like so many call-in radio shows across the country, Charlie, we can take it.) In the meantime, you can follow Blisstree on Twitter @BlisstreeDotCom and/or become our Facebook fan, because we think this could be the beginning of a beautiful (and healthy) friendship.
P.S. We’re sorry to hear that you got canned. But really, didn’t the show have it coming? That half-a-man is a pretty big dude now, so wouldn’t a more appropriate title be: Two Men and a Bat-Shit Insane Megalomaniac? Not nearly as catchy.