So we now know that women can think themselves to orgasm without any physical stimulation. (And may I just say to all you Blisstree readers with this ability – PLEASE SWITCH LIVES WITH ME.) But for Nicole Daedone, founder of the OneTaste Organization and author of new book “Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm,” it’s not just about achieving orgasm, it’s about achieving better orgasms.
At OneTaste, Daedone has been teaching people how to have better sex and relationships since 2004 with a technique called OM — Orgasmic Meditation — which seeks to slow down the process and connect emotionally, spiritually, and physically with the act to prolong it as long as possible. Maybe Orgasmic Meditation isn’t something you’ve ever really considered, but chances are, you’d cheerfully welcome the challenge (wink wink, nudge nudge).
According to Daedone, the problem isn’t that women aren’t craving sex. The problem is that women want a different kind of sex… Here’s what she had to tell us about the
In Slow Sex, you write that “in just 15 minutes every woman can become orgasmic” but this seems to be contradictory with the whole idea of “slow” sex. Why is that a part of your practice if you’re trying to teach women to slow down?
The title “Slow Sex” is borrowed from the Slow Movement, which started with slow food and has expanded out to slow cities, slow education, slow money and more. In this context, the word “slow” refers not to literal speed but to a different way of relating to our world.By contrast to fast food, where you have no idea the provenance of your hamburger, slow food focuses on local and sustainable farming, community dining, and cooking with unprocessed foods fresh from the earth.Slow Sex means applying similar principles to our connection with our partner.
In OM we strip away everything extra, returning to the basic experience of two people coming together and connecting through touch. We pay attention to the details of sensation in our bodies, rather than focusing on an end goal of climax. And we ask for what we want, so our relationships can be more nourishing and satisfying. The fact that all of this can happen in just 15 minutes is sort of an added bonus.
What do you think about the new study which says that women can think themselves to orgasm? Do you think it’s relatable to OM?
My first thought is—wow! It’s pretty amazing what a woman’s mind can do.
What this study is focusing on is climax. In OM, climax may be part of the experience but most often it is not. The orgasm you can access through OM is an expanded definition—one that includes every sensation you feel in your body, from the tiniest tingle to the most potent peaks. This kind of orgasm is more natural to a female body, and it’s the result of being taken out of control.
When someone is stroking you during an OM, you’re no longer in the driver’s seat. It’s this experience we so crave from orgasm as a whole: the experience of being in an involuntary state, where orgasm moves through you and all you can do is feel it. So while thinking yourself to orgasm reveals an impressive capacity for concentration and control, it’s not the kind of orgasmic experience I teach.
Do you draw on the tenets of Tantric sex, or is your method inherently different?
Many people ask this question! So first I will say that I did not study tantra, and this practice in its original form was not drawn from a tantric background.
But I can understand why people would associate OM with tantra. Tantric sex practice is the closest thing to OM that most people have heard of. Basically, it’s a practice that has to do with the genitals, so there’s this sense of, “that’s close enough!” But that’s really where the similarities end.
In tantra, there is a goal of experiencing different states, including bliss states and experiences of oneness with your partner. In OM, we let go of any expectations and simply feel. In tantra, there are all sorts of cultural and religious associations. Tantric practice often includes visualization, chanting, and the redirection of sexual energy. OM has no cultural overlays, and the instructions for OM are far more basic: Pay attention to sensations you can feel in your body.
You write that Slow Sex will reveal the five unmistakable signs of a woman in orgasm. Without revealing all five, can you tell us what perhaps one or two of the signs are?
Yes! I’ll tell you two signs that have an impact far outside of the bedroom: The first is the darkening of the area around the eyes; the second is the swelling of the lips. I say they have an unexpected impact because they are the precise effects that our modern-day makeup is designed to replicate!
What has been the response from the women in your workshops?
Every woman is different, of course. But most women leave our workshops excited, surprised, turned-on, and ready for more.
Recently we had a woman who came with a new boyfriend. She’d recently ended a 20-year marriage to her high school sweetheart, and all that time she thought she “just wasn’t sexual.” But then she and her new beau tried OM, and when she came back to class she had this look of total disbelief on her face. I asked her how it was, and she said, “I had no idea I could get so turned on. I didn’t know that woman was inside of me all this time.” We get that kind of response a lot.
Women who have been suppressing their hunger for sex for so long they don’t even know why they would want to come to a workshop about orgasm. But then they come, and suddenly a whole new world opens up.
What do you hope readers will take away from your book?
I have one hope, really: I want them to try OM. Just try it, and see how they like it. This little practice completely changed my life. It has made me into the woman I am today, and she’s the woman I always wanted to be. If I could give that experience to everyone who picks up the book, I would have succeeded.
Nicole Daedone has appeared on Nightline; her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, and the San Francisco Chronicle. She writes, teaches, and lectures in San Francisco. You can find out more about her and Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm from www.nicoledaedone.com and www.onetaste.us
(Photo: Grand Central Publishing)