Smoking Makes You Thin (And Other Unhealthy Ways To Lose Weight)

All the smokers I know have always credited their tar and formaldehyde addiction for their slim figures, and now their addiction-enabling beliefs have scientific backing: A new study says that nicotine suppresses your appetite. No shit. I can just see the banner billboards now: “Smoke Yourself Thin!” and “Hey Fatties! Go From Piggy To Ciggie!” Thank you, Marlboro Man for that extra special scientific study into stuff that doesn’t help us at all. What are we supposed to do with this report? Start smoking FOR our health?

The study authors said they set out to determine why the hypothalamus area of the brain, which controls appetite, was affected by nicotine. The researchers ludicrously claim that this data can be used to create appetite-suppressant medications without the cigarette, but we already know how to do that.

Heroin. Think about it. You never see a tubby smackhead.

Battery acid. Drink it. It’ll burn away your esophagus so you can’t eat at all.

Crystal Meth. You can’t possibly have the urge to eat when you’re sleeping in your oven, your hair is falling out in clumps, you cry every time you see a tree, and you’re burning symbols into your house pets with a curling iron.

Punching yourself in the face when you see a McDonalds. Also works with Burger King, Taco Bell, and KFC (not yet tested on an Arby’s). Or get a friend to punch you in the face when you feel hungry, having a team mate always makes dieting easier!

Chemotherapy. Smoking makes you thin. Smoking causes cancer. Cancer requires chemotherapy. Chemotherapy makes you thin. It’s a win-win, really.

That being said, if none of these appetite-suppressant methods appeal to you, you could just, ya know, eat a well-balanced diet. I find that when my tummy is full of good stuff, I don’t have the urge to snack or over-eat. But that’s probably just me.

To the cigarette vending machine!!

(Photo: ThinkStock)

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