• Fri, Jun 17 2011

Crimes of Passion: Why Men Say “I Love You” For The Wrong Reasons

Recently, figures were released suggesting that men are more likely to say “I love you” first in a relationship than women, which was surprising, as it is traditionally thought that women raise the topic first. However now we know why, and it seems the motives behind the emotion are less than romantic. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that men were saying those three little words earlier for — you guessed it — sex. For knockin’ boots. The horizontal mambo. The beast with two backs. That’s right ladies, he’s not swept up in your glory, he just wants to get in your glory box.

According to the study, men believe that waiting to profess their emotions later in the relationship would denote a wish for commitment and a more serious dynamic than they are prepared to give. Women, on the other hand, prefer to wait approximately 19 weeks into the relationship to broach the subject of feelings, on average. Put simply: Men say it early for nookie; women say it later when they actually feel it.

Right now, I am forcing myself to repeat this affirmation, “I will not despise all men,” but I”m tellin’ ya, reports like this are making it hard to stay positive.

When we were in high school, we were told that going to second base with some cutie on the football team wouldn’t make him like us more. Later in life, that sugar-coated sentiment became a little more coarser, but is still true. In the 2005 sex-romp film Lie With Me, directed by Clement Virgo, a character bluntly says: “You can suck a guy’s dick all you want. It doesn’t mean he’s ever going to love you.” That’s the spirit! (*Cough*). And something we women would be wise to remember.

Men, I ask you to be stand-up gents and be up front with your ladies with what you’re looking for in a relationship. If all you want is some no-strings nookie, that’s perfectly okay! There’s no disrespect involved in that, as long as you’re honest about what you want. If she’s not “good, giving and game,” she can easily walk away, and you can find someone else who is.

Because the subterfuge is what makes women believe the Jerk Gene is encoded in the Y chromosome. And if you don’t want “the boy who cried wolf” sticker on your back, you’d be wise to keep your ulterior motives in check. Because we’re smart, us ladies, and we just might never believe another “I love you” again.

Men are not the enemy, and this is not a war, but we only have one heart to give. I am not going to put effort and time into a relationship if my partner has less than stellar intentions. That would be an awful waste of the heart.

(Photo: Thinkstock)

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  • Teesaang

    Wait a second, hold up. I don’t know one man that has ever said “I Love You” first, for sex. But my question would be … how long have you been dating, and how many dates has there been that I (men) would EVER feel that they need to say “I Love You” to get to that level in a relationship.

    For me, the longest it ever took for sex when dating someone was 4 dates – I’m not married to this beautiful woman and just had our first daughter. With that said, if it went the 5th date and I felt the need to say “I Love You” – I think she would have said Thank You, probably still had the sex, and I would have never heard from her again.

    Let’s be honest here, if we’ve been dating for months, and still hadn’t had sex, this relationship would have been over before it started.

    Just my 2 cents. :P

    • Teesang

      Oops, I meant I’m “NOW” married to this woman.

    • Christine Estima

      I must say, sir, I kinda agree. I wouldn’t wait that long either. But I think the implication of this study is that men believed they’d get their sexy-sexy-time if they said I love you more often than not, in a reassuring kind of way, even if they didn’t mean it (*Especially* if they didn’t mean it). Manipulation is the keyword here. They may have already been sexually active, but not to his standards.