• Tue, Oct 25 2011

Sex (Re)Ed: What’s Stopping You From Closing “The Orgasm Gap”

Only 25% of women always climax during sex with a partner, while 90% of males reach orgasm during sex. And for both men and women, closing that gap has become almost a mythical quest. In the bedroom, men are the sprinters – they can fly off the blocks and finish a 400 meter no problem. Women, on the other hand, are the marathon runners – they start at a steady pace, maintain endurance and stamina, and then when they see the finish line in the horizon – kick it into high gear. So what’s stopping you from closing the orgasm gap? Well, it seems that lack of arousal, specifically clitoral stimulation, and a problem known as “spectatoring” are the biggest hurdles.

To understand what’s going wrong down there, you have to know what happens when things go right. When things start steaming up with you and your partner, the rush you begin to feel during foreplay is blood heading straight to your vagina and clitoris. The walls of your vagina start secreting lubricants to make sexual intercourse more pleasurable and less abrasive. Simultaneously, your heart rate speeds up, you start breathing heavier and you become aroused. Tension builds in your nerves and muscles until it’s released and you reach the big “sis boom ba.” These pleasurable waves are actually contractions of your uterus, anus, and vagina at varying intensities. For some, it lasts for three to five waves; others experience up to 10 to 15 before reaching the peak of ecstasy. Once across the finish line, you’re relieved of the sexual tension and your body becomes relaxed. But what about the women who don’t finish the orgasm marathon?

Dr. Ian Kerner, PhD., is a certified sex therapist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. He emphasizes thinking “clitorally, rather than vaginally; focus on stimulation as opposed to penetration” because ”nine times out of 10 [a woman] isn’t getting enough clitoral stimulation.” Kerner says it’s possible that a “woman will get close to orgasm, her partner picks up on it, and [then he either] orgasms immediately or changes what he was doing.” Futhermore, the chosen sexual position affects clitoral stimulation. Some positions are more stimulating than others and it truly depends on a woman’s preference. The “woman on top” position seems to scream superb orgasmic effects: The woman can set the pace and the position allows her clitoris to rub against her partner for continuous stimulation. Dr. Kerner also suggests mimicking a sexual position with your partner that you practice when pleasuring yourself. For women who masturbate lying on their stomach with their hand rubbing their clitoris beneath them, then having your partner enter from behind while in that position deems to be very stimulating. Experimenting with different sexual positions with your partner and discovering what really sets off your fireworks is very important. Women should feel comfortable with communicating what feels hot and what is not.

Speaking of feeling hot, some (if not most) women don’t during sex, but body image plays a significant role in sexual satisfaction. A study at University of Texas, Department of Psychology shows “the more esteem women [have] for their own body parts and functions, the higher their sexual satisfaction with their partner beyond the effects of sexual function.” This is where the issue of “spectatoring” affects the probability of achieving an orgasm. Spectatoring is when a woman is too concerned about her appearance and/or performance to actually enjoy herself during sex and allow herself to be pleasured by her partner. A woman’s mind becomes preoccupied with negative thoughts about her body, questions whether her partner is enjoying sex, and whether she is good at it or not. Dr. Kerner recommends focusing, breathing, and letting go of the negative energy to allow yourself to feel the erotic sensations that sexual intimacy has to offer.

Some things you and your partner might try to help you reach orgasm:

  • Focus on touching, kissing, and caressing to heighten arousal
  • Test drive various positions, especially the ones that stimulate the clitoris, and feel free to incorporate manual and oral stimulation.
  • Relax, ease into it, and take it slow.
  • Talk with each other about what feels good to you and how you like to be touched for maximum pleasure.

And frankly: If your partner is naked in bed with you, he finds you attractive. So above all, let go of your mind and simply feel. You’ll be seeing fireworks at the finish line before you know it.

(Photo: Thinkstock)

 

 

 

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Shawn Lang

    What about lesbians? This is so tragically heterocentric.

  • simon

    what can prevent a week ejaculation and what makes a man and a woman to go for long during an intercourse. And again are the enlargements good and do they last forever?

  • Aurora

    tell me about lesbians? how could we lesbians outcome our sex

  • Aurora

    what will be best for me as lesbian

  • ua

    This sounds too complicated. Life’s rough as it is. Must we continue self-improvement in the bedroom too? Can’t something in life be left as fun?