• Tue, Feb 7 2012

My Therapist Is Pregnant, And I Hate Her For It

i hate my therapist
When I showed up to my session, my therapist told me we needed to discuss something. Uh oh—had a check bounced? Was she breaking up with me? I’d been thinking it was time to end our sessions; maybe she was trying to beat me to the punch. But no. Those were not the issues at hand. She was pregnant, and wouldn’t be able to hide it much longer, so she was letting all of her patients know. She’s due at the end of June and plans to be on maternity leave for two to three months, but would be available for phone sessions.

I did what society and past experience had taught me is appropriate, and gleefully congratulated her. Then, within milliseconds, burst into tears and cried through the rest of my session…and well after I walked out the door, too. It wasn’t the best of timing.

In the days before my session, I’d briefly broken a four-month run of “no Facebook” for all of 90 minutes. In that small amount of time, I noticed how many old ‘friends’ were either pregnant or married. As I stared down my one-bedroom apartment and a life that lacked both a serious relationship and even the glimmer of a baby, I deactivated my profile once more, then proceeded to have the first big breakdown I had had in a long time. I felt completely alone. I felt abandoned by something I couldn’t define. So when I went to see my therapist the following day to be greeted by news of her pregnancy, it just seemed like an additional smack in the face.

I stared at my therapist as she glowed, like pregnant women do, and hated her with every ounce of my being. And I told her so.

This isn’t the first time I’ve realized that I chose an unconventional path, or thought about the down sides of putting marriage and babies on the back burner. But as I approach my mid-thirties, my biological clock and my life are marching to a different beats, and I’m confronted with this fact at every turn. I can explain until I’m blue in the face that I don’t want to be a mother. Hell, the NY Post even wrote an article about women who choose a life of no kids, and I was one of the people they covered.

Share This Post:
  • mish

    Twins! What are the chances?

    • John Skookum

      About 3%.

  • Paige P.

    amanda- it was really brave of you to write this. I feel for you. It’s rare that such raw emotion is conveyed in this manner, and medium; not to mention this well. Thank you.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Thank you, ladies!

  • Briana Rognlin

    I totally agree with Paige — I love that this piece is so honest about what a lot of women feel. It’s not easy to be happy for everyone else’s good news when you’re grappling with related issues, whether it’s a baby, a boyfriend, marriage, or even just a new job or a new apartment. Sometimes you have to go through some straight up resentment and jealousy before you can really “be happy” for friends, and given that a therapist is probably the one person who you should be totally neutral about, I imagine this would be a super tough situation.

    Find a new one! And make sure they’re not on their way to mommyhood.

  • Warrior two

    I am completely with you on this. I know the feelings you are describing first hand. But I don’t agree that you should find a new therapist! I took that path many times, cutting people out of my life when their choices hit too close to home for me, and it only prolonged the inevitable: that eventually, I was going to have to deal with my feelings head-on. Staying with her, and staying with your feelings (which, btw, change from moment to moment) will undoubtedly bring you new insight and healing. Stay the course!

  • a father

    I’m praying for you.

  • Fern

    Must be something with this generation. I saw never having a child as a badge of honor. I dont have diapers to deal with, screaming kids, annoying questions 24/7, in short.. I won.

    Now the relationship thing, I got news for you, Prince charming is not going to waltz into your house, you need to lower your unrealistic standards and live your life in the real world. Plenty of good men out there, just waiting to be found.

    10 years from now when you look at your bank acct, you will be thankful you never had kids. Like the license plate on my Mercedes says “0-kids”

    • CREED

      30 years from now you will look around at what you have and wish you’d shared your life with children. There won’t be anyone to give a rat’s rear end that you need to go to the doctor but can’t drive yourself, or that will come to visit you during holidays. But then, I don’t suppose you celebrate holidays. Enjoy your lonely, self-absorbed life, liberal.

  • David Lott

    Amanda, you are staring into one of the great mysteries of life. There comes a time in everyone’s life where family becomes more important than just about anything else. It is part of how we are wired. Your group of friends and acquaintances are all staring at the same thing and rather than fighting their basic needs of womanhood, they are embracing the path of motherhood. I would encourage you to do the same.

    Not knowing you and your situation I may be wrong but your stated lack of a committed relationship suggests that you are looking in the wrong places and perhaps for the wrong type of man. Allow me to recommend that you look for an emotionally stable man at your local church. I have observed that there are far more “family type” MEN at churches than the “hop into bed” BOYs you will find just about everywhere else.

    I hope and pray that you will find what you need. And when you do, please share that story as well!

    • Linda

      This is truly excellent advice. Godly men are far more likely to desire a committed relationship. With God at the center of your life, you can have it all. I do. A wonderful husband, 3 amazing kids, and a very rewarding career.

      I understand everything Amanda is feeling. For several years, my husband I tried for children. We prayed about it often. I remember far too well the pain I felt, hiding in the bathroom, sobbing into towels, because the EPT test came up negative. We had so much love to give; we were ready to welcome children with open arms.

      Finally, I opened my HEART and asked God to work His will in my life. I stopped telling God what I wanted, and instead asked Him what He wanted. Three months later, I was pregnant.

      Don’t give up, Amanda. Prayers that God brings a wonderful man into your life and that you experience all the joys that come from a loving marriage and children.

  • Me

    We should all be very happy you have opted out of the gene pool, we are all truly blessed you have decided not to leave progeny for the world, as you epitomize the type of person society would be better off without. You are an envy whore, and are a living picture of a sick narcissistic and selfish immature little “girl”…why don’t you grow the fuck up? You are an utterly disgusting human being…

  • Andy

    Feminism- Strong, Smart and Independent until things get a little bit difficult.

  • John Skookum

    Now I see where some of the unhinged, spittle-flecked left wing hatred of Sarah Palin comes from.

    I think it’s a great thing for the gene pool that Miz Sarah has five kids, and the author of this tripe will be eaten by her cats after she dies alone and unloved.

  • Jon from Atlanta

    Abandon the radical feminism and the husband and baby will fall into place.

    • Dana K.

      What does a man know about feminism?

  • William

    Wow. I am so tired of the self-absorbed entitlement mentality of this generation.

    WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?

    The key to finding a lifelong partner is patience, respect, and love.

    If you always put yourself first you will fail. Relationships are about putting your partner first as often as you can.

    Criminy, get off your butt and DO something about it.

  • Woman

    I think it was very brave of you to come out and speak your feelings. :)

  • MoreAnon

    I was very much like you, as I went into my early thirties. I kept telling myself (and my husband, who at the time was happy to hear this) that I didn’t want kids. The truth was that I was *scared* to have kids, because I went through such abuse when I was a kid, that I didn’t know if I could be a good mom or not. In addition, I swallowed all the Cosmo and Ms. stuff about a woman not having to have kids to be fulfilled. Yeah, a woman doesn’t HAVE to have kids to be happy . . . but in my case I was lying to myself that I didn’t even want them, and it sounds like you are too. I also kept going to therapists who were too damn easy on me and wouldn’t help me confront my own real fears and desires. I quit therapy, and got into a community service (raising orphaned kittens for other people to adopt later, when they were old enough) and realized that I LOVED being a mom, even if it was to cats! I bit the bullet and told my shocked husband that I wanted kids. A few months later he agreed . . . and now, several years later (since we waited so long, we had trouble conceiving) we have wonderful children, individuals I never dreamed could exist. They are my life’s achievement so far, and I am so happy I confronted my own crap so that I could start working on that achievement. I hope you will really confront your own crap, whatever it is, acknowledge it, and get on with your REAL life. (And btw, I really recommend fostering animals as a way to see how you truly feel about parenthood. There are a bazillion small organizations who need help fostering kittens and puppies, and it’s a real eye-opener.) Get out in the world and see what you REALLY want!

  • leelee

    wow, i read through some of the comments and i’ve never actually been so appalled at how cruel people can be…

    Amanda–sounds like you want to have a baby. It may not be the picture perfect cookie cutter way we learn about as little girls, but if you want it, you can make it happen…even if you have to do without “the one.”

    good luck :)

  • Ivan

    God help the poor man who fathers a child with this self absorbed, narcissistic feminist brat.