When I showed up to my session, my therapist told me we needed to discuss something. Uh oh—had a check bounced? Was she breaking up with me? I’d been thinking it was time to end our sessions; maybe she was trying to beat me to the punch. But no. Those were not the issues at hand. She was pregnant, and wouldn’t be able to hide it much longer, so she was letting all of her patients know. She’s due at the end of June and plans to be on maternity leave for two to three months, but would be available for phone sessions.
I did what society and past experience had taught me is appropriate, and gleefully congratulated her. Then, within milliseconds, burst into tears and cried through the rest of my session…and well after I walked out the door, too. It wasn’t the best of timing.
In the days before my session, I’d briefly broken a four-month run of “no Facebook” for all of 90 minutes. In that small amount of time, I noticed how many old ‘friends’ were either pregnant or married. As I stared down my one-bedroom apartment and a life that lacked both a serious relationship and even the glimmer of a baby, I deactivated my profile once more, then proceeded to have the first big breakdown I had had in a long time. I felt completely alone. I felt abandoned by something I couldn’t define. So when I went to see my therapist the following day to be greeted by news of her pregnancy, it just seemed like an additional smack in the face.
I stared at my therapist as she glowed, like pregnant women do, and hated her with every ounce of my being. And I told her so.
This isn’t the first time I’ve realized that I chose an unconventional path, or thought about the down sides of putting marriage and babies on the back burner. But as I approach my mid-thirties, my biological clock and my life are marching to a different beats, and I’m confronted with this fact at every turn. I can explain until I’m blue in the face that I don’t want to be a mother. Hell, the NY Post even wrote an article about women who choose a life of no kids, and I was one of the people they covered.