Cherry Lovers Fruit Chews Made With REAL Juice…Plus Sugar, Corn Syrup, Beeswax

Gimbal's Cherry Loves Fruit Chews Package

In today’s round of ‘Food Marketers Say the Darnedest Things,’ I’d like to draw your attention to these “Cherry Loversfruit chews from Gimbal’s Fine Candies.

The good people at Gimbal’s were nice enough to send us a sample of said fruit chews, along with a flyer for the “Cupid’s Undie Run” the company is co-sponsoring in February. Money raised by the run — along with 15% of Cherry Lovers sales proceeds — will go to The Children’s Tumor Foundation, which researches neurofibromatosis.

So, that’s nice, I guess. I don’t mean to denigrate Gimbal’s charity efforts. But guys guys guys guys guys: You are not fooling anybody with this “high in antioxidant” crap. Or let’s hope you’re not. Or let’s just … stop. Okay? Please? Because you probably are fooling people. You are probably fooling people into thinking your cherry daiquiri, cherry chocolate, cherry cheesecake and cherry cola flavored gummies are a health food — you are clearly working really hard to do that — and no matter how many charity races you sponsor, it doesn’t make this any less of a dick move.

Here’s the text from the front of Gimbal’s Cherry Lovers package:

Made with REAL Cherry Juice – Fruit Chews High in Antioxidant Vitamin C

A blurb on the back of the package states: “Made with REAL Cherry Juice. If you love Cherries—only REAL Cherry Flavor will do” —I must interject to point out that REAL cherries would probably do, too. Just a thought. Carrying on:

“Cherry Lovers fruit chews are made with REAL Cherry Juice. And they are High in Antioxidant Vitamin C—so you can feel good about every delicious bite.” 

At this point, I’m beginning to get the impression the folks at Gimbal’s aren’t native English speakers, because in addition to the caution-to-the-wind use of capitalization they are clearly misunderstanding the meaning of a few key words, like “real” and “high” and “good.”

Here’s what’s in Gimbal’s REAL Cherry fruit chews, according to the package’s ingredient list (remember: ingredients are listed in order of what’s most prevalent in a product):

INGREDIENTS: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Food Starch Modified, Dextrose, Cherry Juice Concentrate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Citric Acid, Cocoa Powder, Color Added, Red 3, Red 40, Red 40 Lake, Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Blue 1, Ascorbic Acid, Confectioner’s Glaze, Carnauba Wax, Beeswax. 

So … what we’ve really got here are balls of sugar, chemicals and beeswax with a little bit of cherry juice mixed in. Really not sure where they’re getting that antioxidant claim from (cherry juice does contain vitamin C and other antioxidants, but there can’t possibly be enough in these balls of artificially colored sugar wax to be beneficial). A package will, however, provide you with 300 calories, 74 grams carbohydrates, and 60 grams sugar—so you can feel good about every delicious bite! 

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