• Fri, Feb 22 2013

‘Vampire Facelift’: What It Is And Why Oscar Losers Get Them

vampire-facelift

Forgive me for the ridiculous stock photo; I couldn’t resist finding the most ridiculous one I could for this (plus, doesn’t it kind of look like an ad for a really terrible teen movie from the 90s?). But hey, when you’re talking about something as oddly named as the “vampire facelift,” some strangeness is in order.

Did you know that when you lose at the Oscars, you get a very special gift bag? This isn’t a regular ol’ swag bag full of booze and makeup; this one, in fact, has $45,000 worth of presents in it. According to Yahoo!:

This year’s package includes a professional class in circus skills for the nominee’s child, athletic shoes that have been customized with original artwork, a week at an upscale health spa, sessions with acupuncture and aromatherapy experts, and a year of VIP service at Heathrow Airport in London.

Of course, if you were hoping for something more practical you can use (or re-gift) right away, the package also includes tickets for resort vacations in Mexico, Australia, and Hawaii, deluxe water filters, and “portion control” dishes for those watching their figures, non-medically approved or scientifically gauged dinnerware that show you just how much meat, veggies, and carbs you should put on your plate. And if losers want to drown their sorrows with a night of debauchery, they’re all set — recipients will also find a bottle of artisan tequila and some condoms. If you need to clean up afterwards, the Windex products in the bag might come in handy.

Though these gifts are rather incredible, they are not exceptional compared to most years: in 2010, losers received a safari. Having literally never received anything from losing besides sage advice and some “better luck next time”s, I am a bit in awe of this. However, the most odd gift in 2013′s loser bag: a “vampire facelift.”

Just what is a vampire facelift, you ask? It is a $5,000 procedure in which blood is drawn from the patient and then injected back in his or her face, thus creating the appearance of plumpness and added vitality. It supposedly encourages the body’s production of elastin and collagen, as well. It’s a bizarre name for a weird anti-aging ritual, but I won’t lie: I love free stuff, and if I were an Oscar loser, I would probably totally accept it.

Photo: Shutterstock

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