OK! magazine’s latest cover features a bikini-clad Jennifer Lawrence and Kourtney Kardashian and the promise to reveal their “easy weight-loss secrets.” It’s nearly April, so all women’s media from now through June is obligated to get us “bikini-ready,” obviously.
Most of the secrets involve—ARE YOU READY? ‘Cause these are some high-level Masonic revelations we’re talking here—eating whole foods and avoiding processed crap. Kendra’s a fan of the weight-loss supplements that she shills for. Kourtney eats organic. Brooklyn Decker likes quinoa and steamed veggies. Here’s a peek at more particulars of these so-called celebrity diets, ranked in order of the least to most stupid.
1. Kourtney Kardashian chooses organic. Kardashian’s diet advice as channeled via OK! is mostly pretty sensible, also. She’s been “obsessed with eating organically” because “she doesn’t feel good when she is eating crap,” a source tells us.
OK! notes that “some say chemicals can mess with hormones, gaining to weight gain.” Kardashian also allegedly likes smoothies, bananas, dark chocolate and Cobb salads, plus “chicken, fish and lean red meat.”
2. J. Lo keeps it spicy. ”As a dancer, Jennifer Lopez knows how to look hot without crazy crash diets,” OK! informs us. To stay hydrated and full, she drinks a lot of water and “swears that really spicy foods help her burn weight, according to an “insider” source.
Spicy food can help with healthy weight maintenance, because many spices—crushed red pepper, cayenne pepper—have metabolism-stimulating and anti-inflammatory properties. A+ to Lopez for not only avoiding crash diets but avoiding stupid nutrition advice, too.
3. Brooklyn Decker eats food. That is more or less the only thing we learn about Decker’s diet, that it involves eating things. In particular she likes cheese omelets, protein shakes, quinoa, steamed veggies and “lean proteins.”
Most of the stars included—or their PR machines, anyway—seem really sold on this “lean protein” idea, which is a weird concept to me since protein on its own can be neither lean or fatty. I guess what people mean by this is “protein not accompanied by a ton of saturated fat.” But while protein is a good macronutrient for dieters—it keeps you full and speeds up metabolism—almost all of us get too much of it, especially if our diets include meat and dairy. If you’re going to take this Hollywood diet tip to heart, try to fill up on plant-based protein.
4. Jennifer Lawrence only stops at McDonald’s once a week. Lawrence “staysfighting trim with a high-protein regimen,” a source tells us. But “she still loves her fast food, and usually indulges in McDonald’s once a week.” I know Lawrence’s whole thing is being relatable, so this is certainly in keeping—plenty of Americans eat a high-protein, regular fast food diet.
Our source tells us Lawrence can get away with it because she’s already built up so much lean muscle. But lean muscle means squat in terms of processing all the sodium, saturated fat, omega-6 fatty acids and preservatives in your typical fast food meal, and these substances can wreak havoc on your health and your weight-loss potential. If Lawrence remains thin on a high-protein, ‘fast food in moderation’ diet, it’s because she’s 22 years old, not that this is an idea to emulate.
5. Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett lost 10 pounds in 10 days with weight-loss drugs. Using Ab Cuts, of course! Ugh. She told OK! the supplements work “like a magic potion”—which everyone knows are the magic words signaling “stay away.”
Kendra also recommends some good stuff—Amy’s organic frozen burritos, pistachios, almond mik, bananas with almond butter. For dinner she says she has “chicken and a plain salad—the lighter the better.” Skip the chicken and add some oil or avocado to your salad, girl—research has shown our bodies absorb veggie nutrients better when paired with a little fat.