When you’re a woman in the world, it takes a lot of fucking energy just to maintain your lithe, spotless, and perfect feminine body. Cellulite, wrinkles, visible pores, weight gain, frizzy hair, dull skin—these are the marauders trying to break down the doors of the fortress of your female form, my friends. The latest thing us lady folk need to worry about? That would be “smart phone neck.”
I received a press release yesterday detailing the horrors of this phenomenon, which is apparently brought on by the lifestyles of modern women and our obsession with texting. The smarties over at the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery came up with the term “smart phone neck.” Dr. Robert Kratschmer, a Houston-area board certified plastic surgeon explains that, “Wrinkles and crepey skin on the neck are very common. Some are even arguing that consistent texting and web browsing on your cellphone can contribute to these issues. That constant looking down posture leads to a scrunched up neck.” Crap. All those sexts you’ve been sending are giving you the ol’ turkey wattle neck, see?
What can be done about this? Why, have plastic surgery, of course! You can try lipo, a neck lift or even Botox to get rid of this problem that’s been completely and totally manufactured by the plastic surgery industry! I guess medieval or colonial women who spent their days bending their necks to see their sewing didn’t suffer from this terrible affliction (needle neck?!). Or if they did, they visited their village healer, who was likely a lot less into marketing than the nip/tuck mafia.
Ugh. I know I’m being overly sarcastic today today, but it just really pisses me off that the plastic surgery industry is essentially creating another #firstworldproblem for women to feel bad about, saying that the use of cellphones is making American women uglier. Listen to me: WE’RE ALL FINE, GUYS. OUR NECKS LOOK GREAT. Keep texting, keep sexting, keep tweeting and Instagramming and giving bottles to babies and writing to-do lists and typing on laptops and doing all the things that require you to bend your neck. (Nora Ephron, author of I Feel Bad About My Neck, would likely agree.)
Because you know what? Your neck (and the skin on your neck!) is actually MADE TO BEND AND STRETCH. And as someone who’s actually genetically inclined to develop a big, jiggly, turkey wattle neck (thanks, ridiculously-stretchy skin!), I’m totally cool with my neck reflecting the bazillions of tweets I’ve tweeted, my funny texts with friends, and everything else involved in the business of living with a head attached to a body by a column of skin, bone and muscle. I refuse to feel badly about my neck.