Unnecessary locker room nudity and other things I cannot handle
Like most in generation dot-com, I decide I’m completely over something at least once a week. Mullet hems, for example, are driving me nuts lately. Who decided that’s in style? I’d like a word with them. And Girls? Maybe it’s my age (it starts with a three), but I find nothing about that show relatable.
But you’re not here to read about clothing and TV trends that annoy me … unfortunately. [You would totally read that column, right?] But let’s get back to topics more befitting a Gym Class Lady. Let’s talk about the five fitness trends I’m SO over.
1. Equipment obsessed classes
As the internet’s leading authority on gym classes (title self-coined), I like to fancy myself something of an expert. And as an expert, I’m here to say: ENOUGH with the classes that involve more equipment than a cable installation. This is partially why I stopped doing Body Pump, though I loved the workout. But I had to arrive early to procure the weight bar, the multiple plates to put on the bar, the little clip guys to hold the weights in place, the step to lay atop while lifting, the mat to cover the step and … what else? Oh, the towel, water, and a sherpa to carry all that crap. I mean, just making that list was exhausting; imagine fighting for space in a crowded class while holding 50 pounds of metal weights. While each piece had its purpose, isn’t there something to be said for simplicity and using your own body weight as a workout? This is why I love Body Combat class so much: Just you, some water and a death wish.
It’s somewhat documented that I don’t love yoga overall, but I think even worse than my dislike for the inverted breathing and warrioring (say THAT five times fast) is my dislike for general … yoganess. I’m well aware that the previous sentence involves two made-up words (really stretching the bounds of responsible journalism here folks), but go with it for a minute. When you think of yoga, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Is it green juice and meditation and the word “zen”? Exactly. While I’m aware there are yogis out there in all shapes, sizes, and levels of zen, just once, I would like to go to a yoga class where the teacher doesn’t talk about opening your heart center. I could probably benefit from some meditation and heart-opening, but I could also benefit from a silent, relaxing Shavasana.
Ok, I’m sure this one will get me a lot of hate because Crossfitters don’t seem to lack passion, but can we just acknowledge that no one cares as much as you do about your workout? [I realize the irony in the the author of a workout column writing this.] The pictures on Facebook and the Tweets and the blog posts about your WOD and the box and 21-15-9 and PRs and jumps and spikes and lifts and ninjas and runs? THEY MAKE NO SENSE. You’re not impressing anyone, either. Just go to Crossfit and nerd out about it there.
4. Free-Range Naked People
I enjoy socially bizarre situations. Nothing makes me giggle like elevator etiquette—so weird and inconsistent with the rest of society. Similar to this, but in a much more naked way, is the gym locker room. So many naked people, just roaming about all free. I’m not a total prude—I understand the need to be naked occasionally in a locker room and appreciate that we haven’t forced changing into gym clothes into bathroom stalls or anything—but every time I’m in a locker room that person who seems to have no need to be naked, but is. They’re walking around, drying their hair, checking for forehead wrinkles in the mirror, whatever. And they’re naked. Why? Could you not pluck your eyebrows and examine your pores up close AFTER you put on underwear?
5. Your ass-pidermis is showing.
Long before last week’s see-through yoga pants debacle, I was a champion of opaque yoga pants. Non-see-through workout clothing in general, in fact. At least once a week, I’m in a class doing some sort of bend when I find myself staring down some girl’s thong—through her pants. LOOK PEOPLE: You don’t have to buy $90 leggings for them to be opaque. It’s pretty easy to do a bend over test in the fitting room (ask the sales girl at Aritizia on Fifth Avenue and tell her I said hi! Also, their leggings ARE opaque, I’m happy to report) or ask a friend. But, please, can we all just do this quick check before we subject gym friends and innocent strangers to our Hanky Pankys?
What did I miss? Or are you a rabid Crossfitter, soon to boycott my column? Please don’t! Leave a comment with your defense of the WODs or tweet me at @lizlemonyall.