• Thu, Jul 4 - 12:30 pm ET

10 Foods So American They Make Cherry Pie Look Like A Communist

commie-pieAre you eating frankfurters or hamburgers hot off the grill today? You disgust me. Spit those horrible fascist foods out of your traitor mouth right now and cram something more patriotic into your pie hole, something more like one of the following 10 super American foods:
  1. Lobster Rolls- The ultimate East Coast summertime sandwich. If I had my way, I’d be writing this list on a catamaran in Maine while stuffing lobster roll after lobster roll into my face.
  2. Graham Crackers- When I was in college, I’d go to a restaurant called Sylvester’s which is named for Sylvester Graham, who was a resident of Northampton and the inventor of the Graham Cracker. Obviously they were cooked up by a religious weirdo…so very American. Without Graham crackers, we wouldn’t have s’mores and campfires probably wouldn’t be any fun at all.
  3. Corn bread- It’s kind of the soul of soul food. Americans basically slay it  on the corn based food front–from hush puppies to corn cakes to all of our corn syrupy delights.
  4. Reuben Sandwich- Piled high with cured meat, creamy dressing, swiss cheese and sauerkraut and grilled on rye bread, the Reuben won the first-ever National Sandwich Idea Contest in 1956 because it is fucking delicious.
  5. Buffalo Wings- The official food of gluttony, if you ask me. They’re delicious, messy and often served in a bucket. You can eat them at the bar or in front of your TV on game day. I’ve heard tell that wings were first smothered in cayenne and butter sauce by Teressa Bellissimo owner of the Anchor Bar in Buffalo(duh) in 1964.
  6. Corn Dogs- Invented in 1942 at the Texas State Fair by an enterprising American bro named Neil Fletcher who knew that the best way to sell his hot dogs to his fellow Americans was to batter ‘em, fry ‘em and shove them on a stick. Can you imagine any sort of American carnival without corn dogs to chow down on?
  7. Popsicles- The “epsicle” was accidentally invented by 11 year old Frank Epperson in San Francisco, 1905. According to lore, the frozen confection on a stick was renamed “popsicle” by his children who would as for “pop’s sicles” instead of screaming for ice cream.
  8. Banana Split- If you want to neck at lover’s lane, you best take me on a date to the ice cream parlor to share a banana split before you try anything. Like the Reuben, the true inventor of the banana split is a hot debate. Regardless, it became the signature dessert of a Chicago Walgreens in 1920s. Walgreens current signature dessert is the 5 hour energy shot (not true).
  9. Cobb Salad- Invented during Hollywood’s golden age by Bob Cobb, the owner of The Brown Derby on Vine to satiate the hunger of cinema big wig Sid Grauman. He just used whatever he scrounged up in the kitchen and it ended up being so tasty that now we can order salads with bacon and eggs pretty much anywhere.
  10. Baked Alaska- This is America: we put a man on the moon and we put ice cream in a pie and pour booze on it and light it on fire.

Chew on that.

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