• Thu, Jul 4 - 9:07 am ET

The Founding Fathers Diet

founding-hottiesHaven’t you always wanted Alexander Hamilton’s beach body?

America’s Founding Father’s were more than a just a clique of freedom loving guys who thought taxes harshed mellows and people could be property–they were also dead sexy.

We should probably stop calling them the founding fathers and start calling them the Founding Hotties: Thomas Jefferson had a slamming booty. During the revolutionary war, they literally used John Adams’s abs as a washboard. Roger Sherman didn’t even know the meaning of the term “love-handles” and not just because it wasn’t in their vernacular. Thomas Paine coined the phrase “welcome to the gun show” because his bicep muskets were killer. Patrick Henry had less than 5% body fat. Don’t even get me started on Ben Franklin’s figure. Do you see what I’m getting at? They were all just insanely lean and ripped.

Follow these revolutionary nutrition rules and you’ll have bod fit for the Continental Congress:

  • Eat fresh and seasonal foods: Canning didn’t exist yet and neither did refrigerators. 
  • Chow down on chowder: They were big on corn after learning about it from American Indians.
  • Eat local: If you eat anything imported, you might as well just suck King George’s oppressive dick. Sucking off the man makes you fat.
  • If you want to eat meat, you’ll have to kill it: Long rifles are great for building defined arms. If you’re cooking for a group, make sure you leave the feet and head on the animal so it’s really appetizing.
  • Destroy your microwave: Heat your food on a wood stove or not at all.
  • Seafood: George Washington loved eating fish. Though that may be a bedroom euphemism and sexual rumor, those Declaration of Independence signing bros ate sea food on the regs. They were big on oysters.

There you have it, fellow Americans. If you want to look like a founding father, you’re going to have to eat like a founding father. Remember to drink whiskey.

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