• Wed, Jul 10 2013

7 Foods That Are Aphrodisiacs And 7 Foods That Are Most Certainly Not Aphrodisiacs

sexy-red-pepper-lipsYahoo! Shine’s list of Wacky Aphrodisiacs: 7 Ridiculous Things that Will Make Your Partner More Attractive got me thinking about the inherent sexiness of certain consumable substances. If there are foods alleged to get blood pumping south of the border (wine and oysters come to mind), then there must be foods that get people to shut down in their downstairs area. 

Whether or not aphrodisiacs actually exist or if it’s just a placebo effect, there’s definitely erotic value to the sensual act of eating and not all foods are equally mood-enhancing. In movies and TV, gourmand sexual indulgences lean more toward chocolate covered strawberries than fistfuls of raisin bran for a number of reasons. You can feed someone chocolate covered strawberries, but just imagine eating raisin bran out of your lover’s hand. Not sexy. Fruit is sweet and fleshy, bran is fibrous and will make you flatulent. Not Sexy.

Here are Yahoo! Shine’s 7 Aphrodisiacs, followed by my 7 major boner killers:

7 Sexy Treats:

  1. Chocolate. Classic. Chocolates often come in heart shaped boxes, you know what else often comes heart shaped boxes? Penises.
  2. Cobra Blood. They should stock all hotel mini fridges with bottles of cobra blood.
  3. Artichokes. Apparently, WebMD says “The ancients considered the artichoke full of health benefits, using it as an aphrodisiac, a diuretic, a breath freshener, and even a deodorant.” I don’t really understand why they needed to differentiate between aphrodisiacs and diuretics.
  4. Tiger Dick. Especially white tiger penis. No wonder Siegfried & Roy’s tiger habitat was such a sexual free for all.
  5. Watermelon. I guess it relaxes your blood vessels quite like viagra does, but it’s also sweet, pink and delicious.
  6. Hot Peppers. The way your body reacts to consuming hot peppers reflects sexual arousal. Make sure you and your partner thoroughly wash your hands after handling hot peppers or your burning desire for each other could turn into actual burning sensations in your nethers.
  7. Deep-fried Tarantula. Allegedly one of the world’s “oldest tricks” to getting people horny. I’d rather never have sex again ever than eat a tarantula—if you’re into it, then get it, baby! Chow down on deep fried monster meat.
 7 Boner Killing Foods:
  1. Plain Sprouts. Boring and unsatisfying, like your sexual intercourse will be if you try to turn a bowl of alfalfa into an erotic meal.
  2. Rapini. The rapiest of all cruciferous vegetables.
  3. Corn on the Cob. Despite the phallic shape, no one feels sexy while spinning a cob of corn round and round.
  4. Giant Turkey Legs. Turkey grease doesn’t make the best lubricant.
  5. Shell Fish Like Crab Or Lobster. Oysters are a classic aphrodisiac, probably because you don’t have to wear a bib while you eat them.
  6. Low-Fat Milk. “One large glass of skim-milk and two straws, garçon” said no one who wanted to fuck. 
  7. Ants On A Log. This snack could only arouse the under 12 set and that is fucking disgusting.

First list via Yahoo//Image via Shutterstock

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