There are always ads popping up on my internet telling me that I can eliminate really really specific parts of my body. I’m not fully gullible, so I know that one can’t spot reduce “belly fat” with an ancient trick and it would be cool if advertisers and businesses didn’t try to amp up body hatred so aggressively. The media and society and the all ubiquitous “they” keep coming up with fresh new reasons for you to be dissatisfied with what you look like. No bones about it, it’s some sinister nonsense.
There is no reason to invent new body parts to obsess over– there are plenty of real ones we were already stressed about. It’s terrible that we stress about the appearance of our bodies as a whole and fragmented into parts. We have better things to think about.
- Muffin Top- The legendary Jenna Maroney once sang about her muffin top being “all that” because “everyone knows the most delicious part of the muffin is the top.” Muffins are a wonderful treat and dragging their name through the mud in the pursuit of body negativity is defamatory. Plus, if you buy different pants, your imaginary muffin top will probably disappear.
- Back Fat- Sometimes it rears its head as “back cleavage” or “bread back.” My bra is squishing me back fat right now and I hate it so much. It doesn’t matter how skinny or fat you are, squeezing human flesh will create folds.
- Hip Dips- Your skeleton is amazing and beautiful, don’t get mad your hip bones for connecting to your thigh bones.
- Cankles- The difference between your calf circumference and ankle circumference is beyond inconsequential.
- Saddle Bags- Hating your thighs for their size, shape, stretch marks and cellulite wasn’t taking enough time and energy, so we had to break thighs down into separate parts to scrutinize. In addition to s addle bags, we have thigh blips and crotch biscuits.
- Thigh gap- The reverse of saddle bag style thigh hate. Some women hate their thigh gaps because they think it gives them “chicken legs,” and some women are going under the knife or starving themselves to attain an empty space between their thighs. This is exhausting.
- Turkey Gobble- Turkeys are idiots and you’re smart. If you like being able to move your head around, get into having flexible human skin on it. You aren’t poultry.
- Stomach Bagel- What’s with all the comparisons to carbohydrates? It’s pretty normal to have fat on your stomach. Everybody deposits weight differently, just because it goes around a hole-like belly button does not make it a bagel. Bagels are delicious, anyway.
- Armpit Fat- Other than pores, this is one of the smallest things we get upset about. There’s nothing you can do about it and zero percent of other people notice them on you. Don’t let the squishy little spandrel between your boobs and armpits keep you from wearing a tank top.
- Bingo Wings- They’re actually called triceps even if you don’t like them. If they shake it’s because human bodies move. My friend saw Our Lady The Queen Beyonce perform the other week and when she sang “I’m a host of imperfection” during her song “Flaws and All” she jiggled her arm fat. So next time you’re hating on yourself or talking about your arm fat, you’re committing treason against Beyonce. Off with your head.
Can’t we all just hate our arms or legs or stomachs without getting so weird about it? Did I forget anything and do your nail beds suck?
Image via Paramount and SNL Studios