• Fri, Aug 9 - 12:00 pm ET

10 Imaginary Body Parts Invented To Make Us Hate Ourselves

mean girls body hateThere are always ads popping up on my internet telling me that I can eliminate really really specific parts of my body. I’m not fully gullible, so I know that one can’t spot reduce “belly fat” with an ancient trick and it would be cool if advertisers and businesses didn’t try to amp up body hatred so aggressively. The media and society and the all ubiquitous “they” keep coming up with fresh new reasons for you to be dissatisfied with what you look like. No bones about it, it’s some sinister nonsense.

There is no reason to invent new body parts to obsess over– there are plenty of real ones we were already stressed about. It’s terrible that we stress about the appearance of our bodies as a whole and fragmented into parts. We have better things to think about.

  1. Muffin Top- The legendary Jenna Maroney once sang about her muffin top being “all that” because “everyone knows the most delicious part of the muffin is the top.” Muffins are a wonderful treat and dragging their name through the mud in the pursuit of body negativity is defamatory. Plus, if you buy different pants, your imaginary muffin top will probably disappear.
  2. Back Fat-  Sometimes it rears its head as “back cleavage” or “bread back.” My bra is squishing me back fat right now and I hate it so much.  It doesn’t matter how skinny or fat you are, squeezing human flesh will create folds.
  3. Hip Dips- Your skeleton is amazing and beautiful, don’t get mad your hip bones for connecting to your thigh bones.
  4. Cankles- The difference between your calf circumference and ankle circumference is beyond inconsequential.
  5. Saddle Bags- Hating your thighs for their size, shape, stretch marks and cellulite wasn’t taking enough time and energy, so we had to break thighs down into separate parts to scrutinize. In addition to s addle bags, we have thigh blips and crotch biscuits.
  6. Thigh gap- The reverse of saddle bag style thigh hate. Some women hate their thigh gaps because they think it gives them “chicken legs,” and some women are going under the knife or starving themselves to attain an empty space between their thighs. This is exhausting.
  7. Turkey Gobble- Turkeys are idiots and you’re smart. If you like being able to move your head around, get into having flexible human skin on it. You aren’t poultry.
  8. Stomach Bagel- What’s with all the comparisons to carbohydrates?  It’s pretty normal to have fat on your stomach. Everybody deposits weight differently, just because it goes around a hole-like belly button does not make it a bagel. Bagels are delicious, anyway.
  9. Armpit Fat- Other than pores, this is one of the smallest things we get upset about. There’s nothing you can do about it and zero percent of other people notice them on you. Don’t let the squishy little spandrel between your boobs and armpits keep you from wearing a tank top.
  10. Bingo Wings- They’re actually called triceps even if you don’t like them. If they shake it’s because human bodies move. My friend saw Our Lady The Queen Beyonce perform the other week and when she sang “I’m a host of imperfection” during her song “Flaws and All” she jiggled her arm fat. So next time you’re hating on yourself or talking about your arm fat, you’re committing treason against Beyonce. Off with your head.

Can’t we all just hate our arms or legs or stomachs without getting so weird about it? Did I forget anything and do your nail beds suck?

Image via Paramount and SNL Studios

Share This Post:
  • Coco Robbins

    I have really bad breath in the morning.

  • q

    Committing treason to Beyonce? I was never “loyal” to her in the first place, but she sold her soul to the devil, so I have ZERO respect for her anyway.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Hail satan.

  • carter

    I eat bagels and muffins, and I have bagels and muffins. And I say that, but it doesn’t mean I hate my body. I love my body – I use it every day and it does all kinds of things for me.

    • Joanna Rafael

      That’s great for you, dude. Good attitude. Not everyone is so lucky.

    • carter

      it isn’t luck, not out of your control to change how you view your body….and I wasn’t always feeling that way and I am not a ‘dude’. If you want to change from hating your body parts to not hating them you can – or you can blame external influences for controlling how you think about yourself.

    • Joanna Rafael

      100% of people on earth who aren’t you have experienced different lives from your own. Congratulating yourself for being stronger, better or more in control than other people who feel badly about themselves is ignorant at best. I’m really glad that you love your body, get to use it every day and can acknowledge your flaws without being hard on yourself. That’s very very cool for you. It doesn’t mean that other people are weaker than you if they don’t feel the same way about their own bodies. Keep letting shit roll off your back, but don’t be an asshole to people who are more sensitive to the context we live it (those external forces) than you are.

    • carter

      I never said anyone was weak, I said a change was possible. If you want to be a journalist you might want to grow a thicker skin and not bite at everyone who comments on your article.

    • carter

      Here, I will say something to please you and everyone will applaud you and you will bow…”I hate my body and I hate the media who makes me hate my body and I have no control over myself and you are soooo right in what you say…we hate our bodies!! Why do other people make up stupid body parts…I am sooo blissful right now blisstree…I hate myself I am full of flaws”

    • carter

      Fuck me for trying to say something positive in this comments section!!

    • Julia Sonenshein

      This seems excessive.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Wow.

  • carter

    PS those aren’t your ‘triceps’ shaking…

    • Joanna Rafael

      what?

  • Kate

    Turkeys are actually quite intelligent. Just saying!

  • Steph

    Thoughtful and so true. Meanings attached to physical attributes change and I wish I could stop obsessing about all my “imperfections”. Seems pointless. Hoping for that one insight that will help me rise above it all. Please keep writing these amazing articles.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Thank you so much, Steph!

  • naoma

    No problem with “body hate.” Am happy the way I am — 105 pounds, 5’3″. Eat twice a day, no snacks, no sodas, eat Greek yogurt, no meat. Simple diet. Boundless energy.