This is one area where I need to let my freak flag shamefully wave. I hate pedicures. I hate pedicures. I’m basically the only person I know who hates something so luxurious, but still voluntarily gets them. I want pretty feet; sue me.
I like the way they look and feel after a serious pedi, but the whole process of getting my feet pampered is stressful at best. The best way to describe how I feel at the nail salon is to compare it to most people’s experience at the dentist. You go because you want your teeth to stay in your head, to be white and shiny, but you don’t love having your mouth prodded at by sharp tools and rubber glove encased hands. I personally love the dentist, because I’m a sick freak. The worst thing about being a twisted sort of masochist like me is that I’ll never get laughing gas at the dentist. Anyway, I’d rather go to the dentist than get my feet done any day of the fucking week. How twisted is that? If I could get laughing gas at the nail salon, I would.
The other day, I decided enough time had passed since my last pedicure and my toes were overdue for some TLC. I’ve had countless pedicures in my lifetime and each has felt increasingly more uncomfortable than the last. The way some people are sexually into foot stuff, I’m the opposite. I’m completely foot averse. Before you flip out on my foot-hating ass, keep in mind it isn’t debilitating and I’m not attacking you or your feet. It’s actually pretty embarrassing for me. I won’t wear sandals ever and I even wear socks to bed most of the time. If bare feet didn’t allow for primo traction, I would wear socks during sexual encounters (I’ve done it before).
I hate feet. I hate my feet. I hate your feet. I hate touching feet, my feet and your feet. I hate having my feet touched. Pedicures make me uncomfortable physically and emotionally. Physically, because my feet are particularly ticklish. Having the bottoms scrubbed induces the tearful kind of tickle-feeling reminiscent of the time my friend’s older brother tackled me and tickled me until I couldn’t breath in enough to gasp for him to stop. It’s not a giggly tickle, it’s a discomfort in your core–an anxiety you can feel. When my feet are just being handled and not actively tickled, I feel weird emotionally. Not only is it unbelievably intimate considering that I both see feet as a private part and don’t love human touch in general. Pedicures also puts people in a specifically vulnerable position–since you’re temporarily immobilized. Being vulnerable is the worst.
Before we get started, I need to tell you that I requested to forego the ten minute foot massage included in my pedicure package. I was willing to just eat the cost and let it go, but the kind lady offered me a ten minute back massage instead. I took it, but massages are another thing that make me feel weird. Next time you’ll hear my effed up thoughts about that. Until then, some keywords to look forward to: stress position, blurred vision, no pants.
Here are 10 totally effed up thoughts I had during my last pedicure:
- This is the first time I’ve had to take my pants off for a pedicure. I think I’m being molested.
- I watched her put fresh water in this basin, but I’m sure an infection will find me.
- This massage chair is distracting me.
- No it isn’t.
- Do not kick the nice lady in the face. Do not kick the nice lady in the face. Do not kick the nice lady in the face.
- STOP SQUIRMING.
- At first the lady doing my nails was annoyed by me, now she clearly feels sorry for me.
- I wonder if there are sickos who would pay to watch me panic while getting my feet done?
- There are tons of people who would love to have this beautiful woman blow on their toes, but it’s stressing me out.
- Great, now I get to put my sweaty boots back on.
So I put my boots on and went on my merry way. Just kidding, I put my boots back on and spent my subway ride home trying to calm the fuck down. When I got home, I took my Doc Martens off to reveal I had developed two blisters and ruined the paint job. Was it worth it? No, but I’ll totally do it again.
Image via Shutterstock