There’s a sweet song by the ultimate nerd band- They Might Be Giants called Bangs. For a goofy little tune, it’s always gotten to me in the best way possible– the way I’m sure all blue eyed girls feel when listening to most songs.
Here’s how the song opens:
Above your eyes your hair hangs
Blow my mind, your royal flyness
I dig your bangs
Your royal flyness!! That’s exactly what I want boys to think of me and my fucking haircut. See, I’m a bangs girl. Save from a few tragically awkward years, I’ve always been a bangs girl. My paternal grandmother would always ask me about my bangs on the phone–she was a bangs girl too. One she told me “Joannie, once I cut bangs, I knew I’d have them forever.” I feel the same way.
Fringe suits my face and at this point feel like they’re as much a part of me as my skin or organs. A good day for my bangs will make me feel like a million bucks, and a bad bangs day will bum me out harder than a fresh zit. You can tell I’m going through it if I’m exposing my forehead.
True bangs girls have their own finicky and specific style. My fringe requires a curve that cannot be compromised under any circumstances. I always always always start out by cutting them slightly too short, nearly baby-bangs and then I let them grow and grow until they’re perfect and then slightly too long, just under my eyebrows before I snip them again.
I’m at the critical point where I need to cut my fucking bangs, but I hate scheduling haircuts. Like pedicures and almost everything else, haircuts make me uncomfortable. They’re so intimate, but it must be done. Considering how much I hate going to the salon, it’s getting hard to resist cutting my bangs on my own. Though many competent fringe-havers are capable of cutting their own hair, I think I’ve outgrown even trying. For years I’ve been trimming them myself and though it occasionally works out, but more often than not, it ends up disastrous.
Here are 10 reasons why I should never cut my own bangs again:
- If I screw this up, I’m going to be heartbroken.
- This shouldn’t feel so urgent. It’s just hair.
- Someone’s probably going to have to fix this.
- It took years for me to grow out the damage done by cutting my own bangs for so long.
- I never feel compelled to do it unless I’m not in my right mind.
- It is 4 am, when no one has ever made a good decision.
- I only have craft scissors and terrible fine motor skills.
- I have commitment issues and I definitely haven’t thought enough.
- I’m too impatient and will not give myself adequate time to do a decent job.
- They will basically be the same length tomorrow, when I can make a real decision re: bangs.
Tell me about your haircut.
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