• Fri, Aug 23 2013

How To Look Like You’ve Seen Sunlight Even As An Indoor Kid

via London Tom on flickr

Gross. I’ll be in my bunk.

I’ve heard tell that the sun is good for you in small doses, but I wouldn’t know from personal experience because I find the light of day oppressive and uncomfortable. If you like to stay safe indoors far away from cancer causing rays and prefer to be shrouded in darkness than flooded with warm light, come read inside with me while the normal kids play.

Being pale is beautiful and I can’t help but roll my eyes when people act like the pressure to be tan even comes close to the pressure darker skinned people have to be whiter. Snow White was the fairest of them all, not the most sun-kissed. The people who tend to complain about their very light skin seem like serious humble braggarts, usually bringing up how aristocratic they would have been perceived back in the day.

However, there is a difference between the milky glow of naturally porcelain skin and the ghostly pallor that comes from sitting in front of a computer all day. I’m trying to avoid the latter. If I looked like a rosy cheeked china doll and not one of reddit’s most up-voted, I would throw all of these tricks out the window. Unfortunately, my paleness reminds me of the traumatizing days as the only kid at summer camp who wouldn’t jump in the lake. Next time you see me, I’m going to look like the kind of person who goes outside on purpose.

Tricks to looking like you go in the sun:

Hair- If you’ve ever read a woman’s magazine, you know what beach hair is–I’m gonna rock that. Beach hair gives you that devil-may-care look of someone who isn’t afraid of literally everything. Wavy, salty, carefree tresses will say “life’s a beach.” Tigi Love Peace and the Planet “Totally Beachin’” spray does the trick for my hair and smells divine.

I’ve also heard the sun highlights hair. My hair will crumble off if I dye it one more time, but if that were not the case, I would absolutely lighten it a bit.

Face- Use bronzer on your face-peaks (whatever that means) and reflective highlighter to make it look like your face has been kissed by the sun. I’ve heard a nude lip can make you look outdoorsy like Coco Chanel when she made tans cool or whatever the lore is. Dr Hauschka’s Sun-Kissed Nude Lipstick Novum enhances the tone of my lips without making me look corny. It’ll be available next month on the Dr. Hauschka website.

Bod- Apparently you can and should use bronzer on your collar bones and decolletage. I like to use Mario Badescu’s Summer Shine Body Lotion that smells like a vacation and gives your bod a summer shine. You can also use fake tanner. If I were to fake a tan, I’d never ever lie down in one of those nightmare-coffins, but I’d do the spray tan like one of the Toddlers in Tiaras. Definitely get fake spray-on abs.

If all else fails, wear white! Please tell me what it’s like to go outside.

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