You’d think I’d love Dancing With The Stars– the reality competition program seems to have it all: completely unironic camp, razzle dazzle spectacle, and washed up celebrities. But every single time I’ve tried to watch, my eyes have glazed over from a combination of boredom and fremdschämen.
Season after season I am not at all shocked by some of the has-beens attempting to dance their way back onto the D-list, but I am completely shocked by how the fat cats at the network seem to combine so many audience winning moves in one show–I really must applaud them for tying in weight loss. So much of the buzz about the show concerns which “star” is dancing their way to losing weight, that it could be considered more of a weight loss show in the vein of the biggest loser, rather than a talent competition or variety show.
Here are 10 Celebrities who lost weight* on Dancing with the Stars, but instead of ranking them by weight loss**, I’m ranking them based on how surprised I was that they were on that corny show in the first place***.
*It’s great that these people lost weight, if that’s what they wanted to do.
**There are other WTF celebs who have been on Dancing with the Stars, but their weight loss was either non existent or non significant enough for the press.
***There are other celebs who lost weight on Dancing with the Stars, but they didn’t even register on the WTF scale because they belong on the show.
And here they are, from least to most WTF:
- Bristol Palin-The Palin daughter is the least WTF on this list because of course. Bristol Palin losing her “baby weight” on Dancing with the Stars was way more whatever than WTF.
- Kelly Osbourne- The rock n’ roll daughter with plans to launch a plus-size clothing line lost a reported 40 lbs while shaking it on DWTS. It’s not at all surprising that she was on the show because her personal claim to fame has always been reality TV from MTV’s The Osbournes to E!s Fashion Police.
- Kirstie Alley- Kirstie Alley starting getting tabloid attention again due to yoyo dieting, so it kind of makes 100% perfect sense that she lost 100 lbs conveniently while on a wildly popular television show.
- Marie Osmond- Osmond shed 30 lbs by dancing with the stars and joked that the program should be called “Dancing with the Starved” which kind of proves my theory that the show focuses unnecessarily on weight loss.
- Mya- I feel deranged because I was like “Mya lost 17 pounds? Big fuckin deal.” It makes sense that Mya was on DWTS because she is a really good dancer and her heyday is far behind.
- Ricki Lake- Another cool lady who is unfortunately famous partially because of her weight fluctuations. Tracy Turnblad would be wildly disappointed in Ricki. Maybe not for losing 20 pounds (if that’s what she wanted to do), but for dancing like such a square on a TV show that seems to push weight loss.
- Lil’ Kim- The certified bad ass lost 20 pounds which is a pretty big deal considering she’s like 4’11″. I hate living in a world where Lil’ Kim and “The Situation” from Jersey Shore are encouraged to work it on the same stage (albeit during different seasons).
- Margaret Cho- I couldn’t find the exact number of pounds Cho actually lost (and I respect that), but she told People in 2010: ”I can see it in my face. I can feel it in my whole body. I have lost a lot of weight.” I didn’t think the cool comedian really gave a damn about that sort of thing or being embarrassing and mainstream like a Dancing with the Stars contestant. WTF.
- Chaz Bono- Cher’s son is cool as could be and I’m happy for him for losing more than 65 pounds and feeling better, but Bono’s participation on Dancing with the Stars kind of shattered my dream of making fun of stupid TV shows with him.
- Gladys Knight- Gladys Knight is the goddamn Empress of Soul, WTF was she doing? After her 60lbs DWTS-related weight loss, Knight reportedly said “I feel amazing… I can be a healthy weight-loss person,” but I have no idea what a “weight-loss -person” even is.
Image via ABC