• Thu, Sep 19 2013

Cosmic Sex Positions Based On The 12 Signs Of The Zodiac

sex horoscopeThe whole horoscope this is new age hooey, like crystal healing and the very concept of love, but the biggest skeptics still like to get in on the harmless fun.

Since you’re all so good at so many sex positions like a bunch of hippie sex weirdos, how do you decide what kooky contortionist moves to try next in the sack? I say let the cosmos decide, but I’m a Libra and decision making isn’t my strong suit.

See what sex position the universe wants you to try depending on your partner’s Zodiac sign:

Aries (March 21-April 19) The symbol for the enthusiastic Aries is the ram. If you’re getting rammed by an Aries, you should totally be doing it doggie style.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Tauruses are determined bulls ruled by Venus. If your Taurus is horny, get on top and act like they’re one of those mechanical bulls drunk people ride.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Intense Geminis are symbolized by the Twins, so you should probably have a menage a trois if you’re bedding one.

Cancer (June 21- July 22) Cancers are moody little crabs who love intimacy! The glyph for Cancer looks like a sideways 69 and that’s what you and your Cancer should do.

Leo (July 23-August 22) The king of the jungle needs a lot of attention, go down on your Leo like you mean it.

Virgo (August 23- September 22) Perfectionist Virgo is symbolized by the Virgin, so be delicate and do something sensitive like missionary.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Represented by the scales, Libras want balance and they want it bad. Try to keep three limbs or more on the bed or floor so that your Libra doesn’t get thrown out of whack.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Scorpios are the most dramatic sign of the Zodiac, they really just want to feel powerful. Get them in a submissive position to shake things up. They love a power struggle.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) The alluring archer is exuberant and optimistic. Try something standing up with your centaur lover.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Oh proud and resilient goat! Screw your risk taking and headstrong Capricorn in the classic “reverse cowgirl” because it’s risqué but basically guaranteed to be successful.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18) Aquarians are open minded, mysterious and always want to try new things. The trend setting Water Bearer’s ruling planet is Uranus, so try something in the butt.

Pisces (February 19- March 20) The ambitious fish wants to live their dreams and connect to the world at large. Fulfill the Piscean’s fantasies by doing a versatile position like spoons that allows them to be very connected and very in control.

Do you believe that the cosmos impact our personalities and more importantly, our sex lives?

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