A few years ago, I decided to do 5 day juice cleanse. I’m embarrassed about it. I mean I knew better, but I was still tempted by the glorified starvation trend, mostly because I thought the idea of not having to deal with making food decisions would make my life easier. Plus I wanted to lose weight and reap the alleged benefits of drinking only juice for a work week. I guess I forgot that I love eating and that the human body kind of needs foods to live.
Here’s what the juice cleanse felt like:
At first I was all “My juices arrivedâ€“I am so exited to do this.”
The juices tasted delicious.
“No, you eat your solid food. I have my magic juice.”
I was hungry, but still excited about the promises of the cleanse. Anyway, I got tired at 5:30 PM and just passed out.
I woke up and I wanted a breakfast sandwich and some coffee badly.
At work, I had to carry my boss’s birthday cupcakes around the office and offer them to everyone. I could smell them.
I am so hungry, but I can’t give up or it will prove that I’m weak and will die of not having self control.
WHY DID I DO THIS?
I thought about nothing but food. When I closed my eyes, I saw floating pastries and cakes. When I talked to people, I saw people-food hybrids.
Again, I got in bed while the sun was still up.
Woke up crazy. Irrationally, I felt above eating. Screw food.
I can’t pay attention to anything anyone says and I probably shouldn’t be driving. I became a complete idiot.
Bed time at 5:30 again.
Bring it on, breakfast-juice.
My coworker is taunting me with her bagel as I sip liquified roots.
But then I’m like: shit, I look good without solids. (I didn’t look good, but I was bad at seeing out of hunger.)
Enough with this nonsense, I quit.
Cleanses may be okay for other people, but they are not for me. Never again.