People can and should eat whatever they want–only kale extract or mung bean milk for two months for all I care. There’s no problem until people sanctimoniously talk about their diet like anyone cares. I understand talking to a small community of other self absorbed weirdos online or at your gym, but talking about your new diet to someone who has not deliberately expressed interest in hearing about it is worse than everything on earth (if someone asks about your newest deprivation tactic or plan to get healthy by altering your eating habits, by all means, chatter away).
Your eating habits are boring to other people because they should only affect you. Yet, when you won’t stop yapping about your new lifestyle choice or nutrition program, you make it someone else’s problem. Not only is it completely irrelevant to the world at large, but it’s smug and judgmental to boot. I don’t think diet talk is smug because I couldn’t complete a juice cleanse a few years ago or because I have already eaten both a croissant and half a bagel today; I just don’t envy what you might consider your superior self control. The right diet isn’t going to make you immortal. The right diet won’t lead you to nirvana. The right diet might not even help you lose weight. Many diets will make you insufferable. Do what you gotta do, but you’re annoying everyone you know.
Here are the fad diets in order of least to most annoying:
- Vegetarian- This one is whatever. In fact, thank you for telling me that you don’t eat meat anymore so that I don’t roast a chicken or something before you come over for dinner.
- Alkaline- Actually you should talk to me about this one because I have no freaking clue what it is.
- 4-Hour Body- People doing this trendy diet usually keep their traps shut because they still get to eat normal food and drink wine.
- Dukan- How European of you! Some French women actually do get fat, by the way.
- Atkins/Low-Carb- What is this? The early 2000s? Get a grip.
- Baby Food Diet- Eating pureed food explicitly for babies in tiny baby sized quantities is definitely something you should keep a secret from everyone but your doctor.
- Juicing- You might as well just announce that you’re starving yourself. No one buys that “detox” garbage you’re selling.
- hCG Diet- This diet is pretty extreme. It involves 500 calories a day and pregnancy hormones…if you’re doing this, you should probably hide it because you seem like a goon.
- Paleo- You aren’t a caveman, but if you were, you’d be stoked to eat pizza.
- Fake Gluten Allergy- Faking any allergy to restrict your diet is Gwyneth Paltrow level of insufferable. We’ve all seen you drink beer and chief sandwiches without a problem. People with Celiac disease and real gluten sensitivities are not annoying about how expensive their special cookies are, that’s how people know you’re faking it.
Do you love talking about what foods you can and cannot currently eat? Do you love to hear about what other people are eating all the time?
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