10 Totally Effed Up Thoughts I Had At The Gynecologist

gyno handsLast week, I was in Los Angeles visiting my family and taking a vacation. Naturally, I had to go to the gynecologist. What else do people do on vacation? Other than being a totally classic vacation activity, I went to get my snatch inspected because I have yet to find a gyno in New York. I haven’t even been looking because I’m attached to the one in my hometown, let’s call her Dr. Underpants. Visits to the gynecologist are kind of intimate experiences and I don’t know if my vag is ready to get acquainted with a new doctor.

The day of my appointment started with a beautiful California morning, the kind of morning that makes you glad to even have a vagina. I woke up late, stretched, had birds dress me and sipped coffee in my mother’s kitchen before making my leisurely way to the doctor. I’m telling you, vacation is the best time to have a stress free trip to ol’ gyno.

Dr. Underpants practices out of the most luxe offices I’ve had the pleasure of being examined in; it’s right down the street from my mother’s house so I walked my vagina to the appointment and enjoyed a few blocks of sunshine on the way. Typically, visits to the doctor make me nervous, but not this time. It was just a lady parts check-up, a very standard appointment. I just needed her to take a looksee.

Here are 10 thoughts I had while having a completely routine gynecological visit (starting in the waiting room):

  1. Look how smug that pregnant couple is. Yikes.
  2. Ooh I got called in first–in your face smug yuppies.
  3. No matter how many times I do it, I’ll never get used to peeing in a cup.
  4. Nurse asked me to strip from the waist down and wait for the doctor. There’s something so goofy about being an adult and wearing a shirt and socks but being completely bottomless.
  5. The doctor is finally knocking. This woman gets paid the big bucks to be nose deep in pussy all day.
  6. So the stirrups are literally covered in velvet, but I have to drape myself in an itchy paper modesty blanket
  7. Thanks for warning me, Dr. Underpants, but I know the speculum is going to be cold and uncomfortable. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo.
  8. This woman has been examining my vagina since I was 16. I wonder how my vagina has aged in the past 8 years.
  9. ::::Sudden urge to ask if my pubic haircut looks nice::::
  10. “Your turn” would be an inappropriate thing to say right now.

By the way and not that it’s relevant, but my gyno is gorgeous, like really really beautiful. She could play a gynecologist on television–that’s how pretty she is.

Do you have any gyno horror stories or are your visits as uneventful as mine was?

Image via Shutterstock

 

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    • Jessi Kneeland

      Hahaha delightful and entertaining piece, as always, Joanna. ;-)
      Jessi Kneeland

    • L&D RN

      I am a labor and delivery nurse, I once had a patient complement me twice on how small my fingers were and that I would have to put 3 of my fingers in her to be equal to 2 of her boyfriends. That was so bizarre.

    • Alyson Melody

      It’s good to know I’m not the only one who treats trips home as pelvic-exam-time.