I’ve been getting waxed for years, but somehow my most recent experience was easily the most painful bikini wax I’ve ever had. It was so goddamn painful that I swear I saw my soul fly out of my snatch and give me the finger.
To be completely honest, I’m not totally sure why I wanted to get a brazilian this time around. I’m what I’d call “sexually dormant” because although I’ve been sexually active in the past, I’m not currently sleeping with anyone. Nor do I want to. The thought of anyone touching me or seeing me naked makes me kind of ill. The thought of some loser rubbing his horrible junk up on me makes me very ill. So why did I put myself through this? I don’t know. Didn’t Benjamin Franklin ask “Why does the wife of the blind man paint herself?” Similar answers, I’m sure.
Here are 10 more totally effed up thoughts I had during a bikini wax:
- Calm down, Joanna, it’s not so bad. You’ve done this a million times.
- Wait no, it is bad. SO BAD. Worse than ever.
- I’m going to run into the street totally pantsless with a crotch full of blue wax. I’m done.
- Did I do something rude to this woman? This feels vengeful.
- You say you do this for you, but you don’t. You do this to yourself because of the patriarchy!
- Calm down and peek to see if it’s almost over.
- It’s not even close to almost over.
- EXPLETIVES. My poor labia.
- Good thing she needs me to be in fetal position to get the back, because I’d be in fetal position anyway.
- This puddle of sweat on the table might as well be a chalk outline at a crime scene.
I like to switch up my pubic hairstyles going from totally porno-bare to growing it all out medieval style, but I think I might just grow a winter coat this season because I was so effing traumatized by this one specific wax. Let me know if you have any tips or tricks to making hair removal less painful and shitty!