Sometimes I feel like the only shmo who doesn’t “get” Pinterest. Though there are a few tolerable or even beneficial things on the internet’s bulletin board, every single day idiots photograph and upload their terrible ideas to Pinterest where other Grade-A-weirdos pin and re-pin irresponsibly and with reckless abandon. Whether it is a tutorial for a braid you’d need 16 arms to execute, a craft no one will ever finish, a “life hack” that makes life way more difficult or a recipe that could make sword swallower gag, Pinterest is mostly full of exactly what you don’t need.
I’ve compiled a little sampler menu of Pinterest’s more grim recipes for “food” ranging from meals you wouldn’t feed your children lest their delicate little hearts just stop beating to snacks I wouldn’t admit to shame-eating while on Ambien. Each dish will be rated in Guy Fieris because he is the worst, the more Guy Fieris an item gets, the worst it is. Scores will be based on how unappealing the recipe is aesthetically, how troubling the concept is, the nausea factor and how much I do not want to eat this.
Ham Cups- This pin I found suggests that you serve guests at a party these as hors d’oeuvres. Get out your muffin tin, stuff some deli meat in and fill the crevices of the cured meat with cheese. Sprinkle chives (I think) on top for flavor and flair. Heat that up and serve, eating hot meat and cheese has never been more convenient.
Score: 5 out of 10 Guy Fieris. They probably would taste good, but would get sickening quickly. If you consider having ham cups at an event you’re hosting, consider quitting the party-game altogether. You seem like more of a go-er than a thrower.
Spaghetti-Hotdog Abominations- Cut hot dogs into smaller cylinders, penetrate the pieces with raw spaghetti and boil. Now you have a…gross. Is spaghetti and hot dog even a dish? Like a grody sausage and pasta deal? If so, was it SO difficult to eat and make that this has to be a thing. Abominable.
Score: 10 out of 10 Guy Fieris. Weird looking, unnecessary, gross. Worst.
BLT Bites- This horrifying culinary monstrosity is like a deviled egg, but a tomato. Instead of making the delicious and classic sandwich with bacon, lettuce, and tomato and cutting it into bite sized pieces, you can just hollow out cherry tomatoes and stuff them full of mayonnaise, bacon, onion, cheese and parsley. That way no one has to go through the trouble of eating a freaking finger sandwich with all that disgusting bread. People hate bread.
Hamburger Tater Tot Casserole- Tater tots are cool at greasy spoons once in a while and I love hamburgers, but I hate casseroles or anything that uses mushroom soup to bind ingredients that don’t want to be together into a rectangular form.
Rating: 6 Guy Fieris because it sounds like a joke about the poor eating habits in the US.
Whipped Funfetti Confection- This might seem like a good idea if you are a stoned college freshman with the palate of a six-year-old. The recipe asks you to combine a normal snack, Greek yogurt, with a topping, cool whip, and boxed cake mix.
Score: 6 Guy Fieris because it might taste good for a bite or two, but it looks like cellulite with sprinkles.
Bacon Wrapped Cheeseburger Meatloaf- Ground beef stuffed with cheese and wrapped in strips of pork. Just add shrimp and this is the traif-iest traif ever conceived.
Score: 8 Guy Fieris. This is terrible for your body and something about all that meat rubs me in a misogynistic way. I wish I could include more, but I’m nauseated and upset. If you want to see more just search Pinterest for any of the following words casserole, doritos, bacon wrapped. If you see any Pinterest abominations, please send them my way.
Header image via Getty, others via Pinterest