• Fri, Nov 22 - 1:30 pm ET

You’ve Been Drinking Wine Wrong: How To Be A Better Wino

wine sidewaysIf you think you know anything about wine, think again. According to a poll conducted by French Wines with Style, self-proclaimed wine connoisseurs are mostly just blowhards who humiliate themselves with pretentious affectations sans real know-how. Basically, you’ve been drinking wine wrong this whole time. Personally, I don’t give a damn if I seem like I know anything about wine. I just want whatever wine I want when I want it, but if you feel the need to prove you’re fancy while imbibing, real experts are here to correct you shameful ignorant brutes.

Here are the top 10 wine faux pas you and the other phonies are probably making:

When drinking at home:

  1. Storing wine in your hot kitchen–the temperature is destroying the quality. Get a wine cellar, loser.
  2. Permanently storing Champagne in the refrigerator will make the cork contract and the bubbly will lose the bubbles. Instead, store your champagne in my mouth like someone with class.
  3. Warming bottles of wine on a radiator or in front of a fire apparently makes your wine taste indistinct. Who does this though? Show yourselves.
  4. Storing rosi wine in a cellar for more than two years. Rosi wine is made to be drunk “young.” Not all wine ages well.
  5. Putting ice in your glass. Pop it in the freezer to chill it, unless you want watered down wine.

When drinking out on the town:

  1. Smelling the cork as if it will ever smell like anything but a cork. Sample the wine instead.
  2. Thinking that floating cork particles in the glass mean it’s “corked.” Instead look out for wine that smells and tastes like an old library.
  3. Drinking wine that’s too cold or too warm. Unless it’s a lighter-bodies red like Pinot Noir or Gamay, you’re going to want to be Goldilocks about your wine.
  4. You bitch at the waiter for not giving you enough wine. That first little pour is supposed to just give you a taste, I guess.
  5. Swilling the wine aggressively during a wine tasting just makes you look clumsy, because you’re probably going to spill.

Or you could just drink what you like and not care what other people think? If you like learning about wine as a hobby, that’s awesome, but don’t be a pretentious dick about it. It’s embarrassing for you.

via Daily Mail//Image via Sideways

 

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  • chickadee

    Smelling the cork prevents you from taking a mouthful of wine that has gone over. You can definitely tell a bad bottle from the smell of the cork.

  • Fabel

    Okay, I’ve definitely warmed my wine by the fire/space heater before. But that’s because wine tastes weird cold (I know white is supposed to be chilled, but I think red & white tastes weird cold, & the one liquor store I go to is always freezing, & all their wine is too cold. Hence, warming. And I don’t care about it making it taste “indistinct”, although lol)