• Thu, Dec 5 - 1:30 pm ET

10 Sexual Ornaments For Adult Christmas Trees

If you think Christmas is a wholesome holiday, think again. Have you not given the old tune “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” a good listen? It’s pretty raunchy. Based on what I’ve seen, all that cookie eating and good cheer seems like a cover up for pussy eating and lots of Christmas spankings. I mean, they make vibrators shaped like candy canes.

Just because a bunch of prudes want you to believe Christmas is a family holiday, doesn’t mean you have to adjust your lifestyle. Let your Christmas tree reflect your twisted one track mind with erotic ornaments. There are so many adult Christmas ornaments out there, barely hidden among the normal Christmas decorations. They could easily decorate the entire Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center with nothing but miniature boobs, dicks and Santa Claus sex sculptures.

Out of all the bizarre erotic Christmas ornaments out there, these are our 10 favorites:

1) Felt Melons: Handmade Felt Breast Ornament, $17.31 via Vaginament These are the prettiest and most tasteful adult Christmas ornaments on the market.

il_570xN.510949135_hdrh2) Ho!Ho!Ho! Ornament, $9.99 via Spencer’s. Santa, you old perv!Screen Shot 2013-12-05 at 12.19.10 PM

3) Oven Lovin’ Ornament, $9.99 via Spencer’s Someone designed a number of Christmas ornaments depicting beloved seasonal icons engaging in some rear-entry schtupping.
Screen Shot 2013-12-05 at 12.20.43 PM4) Snowmen Sex Ornament, $9.99 via Spencer’s. The lady-snowman has blue nipples. Screen Shot 2013-12-05 at 12.21.25 PM5) Santa Butt Ornament, $14.95 via Amazon. Somebody’s been naughty.31DAr1WMD4L

6) Chris Rockaway Ornament, $20.95 via Zazzle. I don’t understand what’s going on here, but I love how creepy it is.

Screen Shot 2013-12-05 at 12.29.11 PM

7) Crochet Sperm Ornament, $12 via AnOptimisticCynic.  Cannot believe we missed this the other dayil_570xN.2817787128) Gymnastics Girl Ornament, $9.79 via Amazon. This one isn’t supposed to be “Adult,” and yet it is. 617HZIWvtFL._SL1500_

9) Crochet Penis, $18 via Meowadays. Crochet really classes up the whole crass penis-wearing-a-hat deal. il_570xN.290165526

10) Cookie Style. I could not find out where to buy this one. It’s going to be a Moby Dick of sorts. cookies

The two ornaments showing gingerbread cookies doing it doggy style tie for my favorite.


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