Gyms are fantastic places for people-watching, no? Real characters come out of the woodwork to engage in exercise: the most selfish activity of all. You really get to see civilians acting like stone cold weirdos because they’re stripped down to spandex and working on their organism in a highly specific environment outside of the normal realm of the real world.
Here are 10 kinds of people you will see at the gym:
- Lululemon-Bots/Stepford Wives- Do they not sweat? How do they get their ponytails so bouncy? They’re so well maintained. I want to be like them.
- Mighty Mouse- The mighty mouse of the gym is a human who looks like a lilliputian, but can squat and press like a Brobdingnagian. When they scuttle up to the weights, you expect them to pick up a tiny little kettle ball, but instead they lift the entire rack and throw it across the room.
- Private Gym Jim- This person has no idea that they’re in public. Sweat everywhere. Pornographic grunting. Equipment hog. They deserve to be glared at, but they’ll never notice your withering stares. You are invisible to them.
- Popeye- This idiot is only working on his arms. You can spot him because he’s the guy that looks exactly like Popeye. They don’t look nearly as good as they think they do, but whatevs.
- The Evil Queen from Snow White- Regardless of the type of exercise or the level of effort they’re putting in, this person will be gazing at their own reflection. Maybe they’re scrutinizing their body for being imperfect, or admiring it like Narcissus at the shore; either way, they are focused entirely on the mirror.
- The Dynamic Duo- When I’m feeling particularly curmudgeonly, nothing will annoy me like the freaking Bobbsey Twins of the weight room floor. They’re inseparable. Maybe they’re a couple or just best friends, regardless they love and motivate each other and you are not invited to their fit-love fest. Just look at them: encouraging each other to work harder and keep going while I lazily contemplate my ass and loneliness.
- The Not-So-Dynamic-Duo- This pair annoys me less than the dynamos. You’ll hear them giggling in the back of Pilates class or choosing equipment based on their ability to be next to each other, the not so dynamic duo is at the gym mostly for a chance to hang out with their pal for an hour before they grab juice; the potential to burn some calories and build some muscles are mere tertiary benefits.
- Jack LaLanne- This person looks like they’re going on a million-years-old and they can still kick your ass. I’m always tempted to ask these fit octogenarians how they get or stayed so damn strong and flexible, but I’m too intimidated by them.
- New Years Resolutioner- While you work out and you see these fresh faced noobs wander around, root for them. Hope that they become regulars and that this isn’t just a month long stint. They may be annoying, but they’ll learn the etiquette of your gymnasium soon enough and may even become your friend.
- You- This is just part of your routine, you’re probably the most casual person in the gym. You’re trying to look good, feel good and live forever. Everyone should get outta your way. JK.
Image via How I Met Your Mother