Get Rid Of That Horrifying Buffalo Hump You Didn’t Know You Had

buffalo humpThere’s a new imaginary body part in town. Forget all about your hip dips and thigh gaps and turkey waddles and fug pancreases. It’s 2014, bitches and your buffalo hump is going to kill some boners if you don’t do something about it now.

“What is a buffalo hump?” you might find yourself wondering. As The Daily Mail describes it, the buffalo hump is “the fatty build-up at the base of the neck caused by excessive weight gain.” Um. Well, now that my have eyes stopped rolling uncontrollably, I can be all what the what? And immediately start rubbing the top of my back. Apparently, people hate this new trendy body part so much that “buffalo hump removal” is not only a real surgery, but a really popular one. In 2013 the procedure faced a 350% increase. I suppose in 2012 hardly anyone gave a single fuck because we had yet to fracture off that body part to scrutinize and hate.

I’ve seen many renditions of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and still have never once worried that I may have a hideous hump that must be removed. Which leads me to my next question: why buffalo hump? All the animal comparisons in the world of body-hatred are pretty rude. Buffalo are adorable, why are we dragging them into this mess. I’d rather this be called a Quasimodo hunch or something because Quasi was a good dude, so devoted to his bells.

Because I’m pathetically vain, I had to wonder “Do I have a buffalo hump? Probably. If not, can I prevent one before I have to go under the knife and have one of those removal surgeries so that I don’t die alone?” I found my answer in The Daily Mail, naturally. The DM is always on their game–those writers are a bunch of Woodwards and Bernsteins just busting open news. The Mail discussed the huge groundbreaking issue with “a spokesperson for WhatClinic.com” the people that carried out the critical and Earth altering buffalo hump research. The spokesperson said :

Buffalo humps can be an unusual side effect of certain medications, but more often they appear over time, through obesity.  Poor posture doesn’t help either, making it more noticeable.
This issue undoubtedly leaves sufferers feeling self-conscious and miserable, especially as it occurs in an area of the body that people don’t usually worry about. A relatively simple surgical procedure can correct the problem, and restore the person’s normal shape.

So, if you were saving for a boob-job, face lift or to have your hind quarters hiked up surgically, maybe save your pennies for a buffalo hump removal. Or you could always retreat to a tower where you can be safe with your bell and no weirdo doctors will come try to slice your hump, real or imaginary, off. I think that’s how the story goes.

Read more about the hump at our sister site, The Gloss.

via Daily Mail//Image via The Hunchback of Notre Dame

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    • Alexis Rhiannon

      If the buffalo hump isn’t also a dance move, that needs to be rectified immediately.

      • Joanna Rafael

        Shrug your shoulders, arch your back, hop once to the front and once on back

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Hop on your own back? That makes sense.

      • Joanna Rafael

        Back from where you hopped to, dummy. I’m never going to a dance with you.

      • CMJ

        Shit, I called this the Quasimodo. I am so un-hip,

      • Joanna Rafael

        It’s a variation of the Quasimodo, which I always thought was side to side and not front to back.

      • Snarktopus

        I died.

      • Kay_Sue

        “Do the hump…the buffalo hump, humpty hump”. I feel like we could sample Humpty Hump for this, I really do.

      • Joanna Rafael

        Is the buffalo hump what Fergie spake of in her song about lovely lady lumps?

      • Kay_Sue

        It should be.

    • brebay

      picture of the actual thing would be more helpful…

    • abby k.

      I have to say, I didn’t have funds to have my unsightly lump removed, but I will recommend the tower route! I’ve been living quite comfortably in my tower with all my gross deformities; moved here in 1999 when I realized that I was short and had body hair, left briefly in 2007 until someone chased me back with pitchforks because of my non-existent thigh gap, and now I guess my buffalo hump just seals the deal. Tower living is the life for me! :-). But seriously, people notice this junk?

      • Joanna Rafael

        I hate when the villagers come at me with their torches because of my back fat! Let me be disgusting in peace.

    • Sara

      I developed a buffalo hump when I was around six after a particularly bad dose of steroids. And the doctor actually called it a buffalo hump. I grew out of mine by the time I was fifteen though.

      • Joanna Rafael

        It’s excellent that you didn’t need to be cut by a doctor before or after you had your hump.

    • Lily

      Ok, so yes it sounds ridiculous. Except that buffalo hump is actually a thing, and not just fat from obesity. That could also be a thing, but like you, I don’t think it’s a thing worth worrying about. I have one, and it’s not fat, it is the actual shape of my neck, i.e. the top of my spine, that is curved differently than a normal spine. I’ve had chiropractic care and rolfing, which can help “straighten” things out a bit, but I still will never have a long elegant neck. And I have been aware of it since I was about 12. It’s genetic. Not to rain on your making fun of a fake thing party, because I’m all for that, but this isn’t a fake thing, the DM is just really stupid.

      • Joanna Rafael

        The DM is absolutely stupid and shouldn’t make spines that are different seem like an issue that could be fixed by a little little surgery akin to a breast lift.

    • Lily

      Also you can find more, um, measured information about it under “dowager’s hump.” It’s the same thing.

      • Joanna Rafael

        Is the DM really talking about kyphosis? I think that’s a more severe spinal thing than their trend piece indicates.

      • Melanie

        Dowager’s hump is spinal, Buffalo hump is fatty tissue and could be a symptom of Cushing’s disease, which is serious. They both result in a lump but for different reasons, they are not the same. One should think of seeing an endocrinologist before a plastic surgeon. I hate to think of people thinking of this as a purely cosmetic thing, getting it removed, and thinking they are done when this could be masking a serious disease.

    • Polyamorous Mom

      i’ll admit, I reached up and touched the back of my neck

      • Joanna Rafael

        Couldn’t avoid it. I’m rubbing mine now.