• Fri, Jan 10 - 11:30 am ET

Shameless Things We Do When We’re Alone

imagesUnder the cloak of privacy, we all act like stone cold freaks. What do you think Superman was doing in his fortress of solitude? He was jerking off constantly. Dude probably engaged in other shameless behaviors that wouldn’t fly at The Daily Planet offices while in his icy man-cave.

External pressure, societal norms, good manners and the critical gaze of other people (aka Hell according to Sartre) make us feel shame. It’s a normal feeling, but sometimes you can’t help but act shameless. When we withdraw ourselves from the judgmental eye of others, our loneliest selves can really do whatever they want no matter how embarrassing and brazen they would be to do in any company at all. For example, when we are by ourselves, we really can dance like no one is watching…and we do.

Here are 10 shameless things we all do when we’re alone:

  1. Look at our own butts- I check out my butt, you check out your butt, once my friend caught her roommate attempt twerking into her mirror. She didn’t think anyone was home! How brutal. I’ve looked at my butt  from every mirror in every direction, from my laptop’s photobooth, and my phone’s camera, just too see if I could vaguely discern what it looks like to other people.
  2. Belt Out Songs- This one’s a classic, that’s why we have so many motormouths singing in their cars and shower divas crooning in their bathrooms. I sing a lot of Judy Garland selections when I’m alone–A LOT of Judy Garland selections. You’ll never hear my rendition of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” because it’s a private thing between me and me.
  3. Cry dramatically- Anyone who has a fainting couch or an expertly placed mirror in their home is one lucky weirdo when it comes to lonesome crying. In front of anyone, you probably try your best to suppress your tears, but when you’re alone, you get to be the most hysterical and theatrical cryer outside of any high school drama department. Pro tip: try it in the bath with a glass of wine. 
  4. Overly enthusiastic grooming- It starts innocently enough, you’re scrutinizing your black heads in a really magnifying mirror while brandishing your extracting tool, then god knows how many hours pass and you’re left confused and too Freddy Krueger-faced to leave your isolation. Other versions of over enthusiastic grooming include: ill-advised bang trims that went too far, picking off all of your nail polish, and the dreaded over-plucking of eyebrows.
  5. Masturbate- “When you’re alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go downtown” Petula Clark sang that. It’s true, but in this case downtown means your genitals. 
  6. Eat weird stuff- You don’t even need to fake having a balanced diet or even clean plates when you’re by yourself. Eat all the pickles straight from the jar while standing up. There’s no one to judge. Eat cake in bed–no one can stop you. This one also applies to drinking. Screw cups.
  7. Pants Optional- Every time I’m working from home and my roommates are out, I ask myself the same question “Is the Queen of England coming over?” If the answer is “no” then I do not put on anything presentable like a garment with a waistband or anything I didn’t wake up wearing.
  8. Get terrified and arm yourself- Last night, I was home alone and there were at least 10 murderers with grappling hooks outside my apartment and like one or two murderers already inside. It was only practical to carry the largest knife we have around the apartment with me.
  9. Throw pity parties- Go ahead and wallow in your own ennui. Even if it’s self imposed alone-time, it’s easy to spiral into some dark “Woe is me. I am so lonesome” thoughts. This behavior pairs great with drinking wine straight out of the bottle and dramatic tears. 
  10. Watch special movies- Maybe you watch extra fucked up and violent porn alone or maybe just overtly sexual non-porn films like Shame (2011) so you can see Fassbender’s parts without making your partner feel weird. Perhaps you don’t go into a shamelessly sexual place with your media and keep it shamelessly innocent by watching old time cartoons or get yourself worked up emotionally to the music video to Lisa Loeb’s “Stay (I Miss You)” on a loop in peace forever. 

I’d ask you to tell me what you do alone that’s shameless, but if it’s a secret, I understand. I propose a toast to “alone time” when we can keep our freak flag safe.

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  • elle

    Ha ha I love this, cracking me up. I totally binge out like no other. I’m like hmm..nobody’s home but me? Time to break out the chips and salsa, ice cream and kaluha, and peanut butter crackers and my son’s bunny cheddar crackers.

    • Joanna Rafael

      My lonesome food combinations get really weird. Like marshmallows become an ingredient.

  • Vanessa Vieira

    11. Attempt to work out and then try to figure out if other people can smell what you think you smell after you work out.
    12. Scrutinize your face for longer than you should and use a facial symmetry tool to see if both sides of your face look the same.
    13. Try to figure out where the phantom cat poop smell is coming from

  • EttieBeecroft

    When we are alone even we can do anything for raising the benefit of Alone life.
    http://purelifecleansemexico.com/

  • Lindsey Conklin

    HAHAHAHAAH. indeed.