Teff, the grain that is supposedly going to replace quinoa as the nutrient rich it-food is really expensive, like almost $12 a for a bag. We predict that if teff catches on and happens like the slang term ‘fetch’ didn’t, it will soon be accessible to people other than the famously rich. Until then, the gluten-free rice alternative is a little bit of a like splurge, a luxury good that’s just a bit out of reach for the ordinarily privileged. Not all weirdly expensive foods are like that, some come with price tags that only the most elite of the 1% could justify purchasing. Some items can’t and won’t ever be sold at normal markets.
Here’s a grocery list for someone who drops $12 on a bag of grain without realizing the price tag is outrageous:
- Grain- Instead of rice, buy Teff and use it in your rice and beans, rice pudding, maybe even put it in a mason jar and use it to dry out an Iphone that got wet.
- Meat- Instead of cold cuts, buy a 15 lb Albarragena Jamon Iberico de Bellota ham that retails for $2,682 at Sefridges in London. Everything is bologna compared to weirdly expensive ham.
- Oil- Instead of a jug of normal olive oil, spend $54 on a 500-ml jar of Lamda “ultra premium extra virgin olive oil” because the Koroneiki olives used to make it are harvested by hand and first cold pressed before it is packaged by hand. Nothing like knowing how much hand labor goes into your luxury items.
- Honey- Instead of honey in a bear, be like Kylie Minogue or Sienna Miller and experience $68.63 Life Mel Honey made exclusively by bees with a diet as fancy as yours: Life Mel honey bees are fed a specially created diet including luxuries like Siberian ginseng and echinacea. As far as honey goes, Life Mel is more of a health product, than something you squeeze onto bread when you’re hungover.
- Eggs- Instead of chicken eggs, buy sturgeon eggs. The most expensive caviar is a type of Iranian beluga called Almas. The caviar comes from 60 to 100 year old sturgeons and a 3.9-pound container costs $48,750 and is made of actual gold, because an ordinary container of caviar is too subtle.
- Fungus- Instead of button mushrooms for, buy Mattake or Matsutake Mushrooms for $1,000. They’re a bargain (compared to some white truffles)!
- Fruit- Instead of a normal watermelon for, go for a special black watermelon called a Densuke grown only on the island of Hokkaido in Japan. It’s just $6110 for one and they make much better gifts. Fill one with fancy person vodka and bring it to a cook out if you don’t want to embarrass yourself with a tacky watermelon just anyone can afford.
- Sweets- Instead of a ritter sport or snickers, buy a box of chocolates for $2,600 per pound, Chocopologie by Knipschildt Chocolatier of Connecticut. Indulge a little, for goddsakes.
- Spices- Instead of Morton’s Kosher salt, buy a small jar of Amethyst Bamboo which according to the retailer, “smells like something dragons must use to season their victims before eating them” and costs $57.
If I had way more money and could buy any of the most expensive alternatives to normal foods, I’d probably go for the caviar because it has fancy cache. If you’re a cartoon rich person like Uncle Pennybags, Scrooge McDuck, or Montgomery Burns, it’s self referential and winky to drop a bundle of caviar, right? That’s like spending a lot of money on monkey fur-lined driving slippers, an indoor pool that’s made of gold bricks and full of of gold coins, pet tigers, and more than one massive nude painting of yourself.
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