Oh god, Valentine’s Day is coming up so soon. Like it or not, you’re going to partake in some sort of V-day celebration. There’s no avoiding it. Even opting out of observing is a classic Valentine’s Day tradition.
In grade school, you celebrated Cupid’s birthday or whatever by gluing paper doilies to paper hearts and scribbling notes to all of your classmates, but you’re a grown up now–so, you’re probably going to get drunk. Back then, your biggest dilemma was whether you were going to write from or love on your crush’s valentine. Today, it’s deciding what to drink on February 14. There are too many options! Christmas has egg nog and New Year’s has bubbly, but there’s no official drink for the Feast of St. Valentine.
Here’s our handy guide on what to drink on Valentine’s Day based on your relationship status:
If you’re spending Valentines Day with the gals, drink white wine. It’s especially delicious if you plan on throwing it in someone’s face during an argument.
If you’re hanging out with someone and your relationship is undefined, chug some ice cold beer. It makes people look cool and act friendly and relaxed. You’ll seem totally chill knocking back some brews. It’s a holiday, so skip the canned PBR and perhaps indulge in what I call a “big fancy,” which is just a pint of something nice like Three Philosophers.
If you’re in a new relationship and things are still romantic drink red wine. Personally, I’m a freak for Pinot Noir (Pinot Noir is French for “sexy sex”*) because it’s so drinkable without tasting like boring church wine. This one from the Estancia Monterey County Collection tastes like luscious berries and spices. It’s basically a bottle of R & B.
If you’re single and you hate it, drink hard alcohol neat. Ice and mixers are for wieners who can’t handle life alone.
If you’re engaged, freshly married, or have otherwise decided you found your life partner, you should drink champagne. Bottoms up–mazel tov!
If you’re lonely, drink absinthe. The ritualized process of preparing it will give you something to do and the green fairy is the only company you’ll need.
If you’ve been single for a long time and stopped giving a fuck, drink clear cocktails. There’s nothing that makes me feel quite as powerful as gesticulating with a martini.
If you’re trying to get your groove back, drink fruity cocktails like pina coladas. You deserve to get amped on a sugary treat.
If you’ve been in a relationship for ages, drink moonshine or DIY booze. Bathtub gin does not have to be shady– in fact, making your own alcohol can be an adorable way to spend time together by working on a project you can drink. Once, I received Grommet’s Homemade Gin Kit as a gift and freaked out because it was so much fun. I only wish I had printed out sweet labels for my very own custom Gin.
Always remember, regardless of relationship status…
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