Convincing children to eat some vegetables instead subsisting solely off of string cheese and buttery noodles is an ancient struggle known by parents of picky eaters everywhere. What’s a desperado mom or dad supposed to do when their kid won’t shut up and eat the healthy food they’re given?
Apparently, one method that works (according to research from Arizona State University) is smothering boiled brussels in cream cheese before serving them to your child. In spite of the science implying that this trick helps kids develop a life-long taste for greens, it is disgusting. There are actually delicious ways to serve sprouts. Before reading about this study, I thought that boiling or steaming brussels sprouts was easily the worst way to prepare them, but I was totally wrong. The most foul way to cook brussels sprouts is to boil them and then cover them in cream cheese or ketchup. Not only will the sprouts taste gross, but they’ll be less healthy!
We came up with ten methods to get little ones to eat veggies…ten really unhealthy and potentially traumatizing methods.
Here are 10 seriously unhealthy ways to get your kids to eat their vegetables:
1. In the spirit of Santa Claus and the boogie man, create a mythical creature that will give them nightmares. Make up a magical serial killer who comes to get kids with bad eating habits. Tell them tales of the horror and torture endured by kiddies who don’t eat their veggies. Get really gory so that they’ll fearfully shovel their tiny mouths full of kale.
2. Scam ‘em, scheme ‘em, flim-flam ‘em. It’s going to be a long con, but guarantee that if they eat their greens now, they will be rewarded handsomely in the future. Wave stacks of greenbacks in their face. A vegetable eaten is a dollar earned–by the time they figure out your long game, it will be too late they will have already consumed so much healthy produce.
3. Use love as leverage. Here’s a script: “Mommy and Daddy only love little boys and girls who eat vegetables. No more hugs, kisses or bedtime stories until you get your act together, little one. Eat the colorful and healthy roots and cruciferous greens on your plate or get the hell out of our house.” There’s no way this one will come back to bite you in the ass.
4. Starve them Mommie Dearest (1981) style. They’ll eat the vegetables you give them or they’ll eat nothing at all.
5. Cover them in melted chocolate or cheese. The children, not the vegetables. They’ll be so distraught, they’ll eat anything. Augustus Gloop learned his lesson after the chocolate river debacle, didn’t he? It’s the only thing crazier than covering produce in unhealthy foods in order to trick them into eating properly. Many people recommend smothering healthy vegetables, like burssel sprouts, in unhealthy foods, like cream cheese, in order to trick children into eating healthy foods. This trick is common and apparently works, even though it’s silly to render vegetables unhealthy.
6. Show them a PETA video for how their chicken nuggets get made. Prepare bacon, a hamburger and a plate of chicken nuggets, then pair each food with an adorable stuffed animal of the creature it came from. They’ll have to eat their unfeeling broccoli rabe and eggplant because they’ll be too sad about the little chicks and piglets.
7. Keep guilting them. Talk to them about the migrant works who picked those vegetables. People worked hard and suffered so that they could have three chunks of cauliflower.
8. Tell outlandish lies about the magical properties of vegetables. Carrots will give you laser vision! Everyone who can slam dunk only can because they eat green beans! Find some clips of Popeye chugging spinach for back up.
9. Kill yourself, make your dying wish “eat your vegetables.” High risk, high reward. This is a surefire way to traumatize your children into bending to your will.
10. Talk to your kids about health. Teach them that vegetables can taste good and be nutritious if you find the ones you like and learn to prepare them well. Talk to your kids about how proper nutrition helps the human body run smoothly.Personally, I’m a big fan of veggies and I’m really glad I learned early on that they are delicious and feel good to eat.
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