With enough money and the right doctor, cosmetic surgery can be like wizardry. You can try to turn back the hands of time on your face, hike your tits up to an augmented chin, and have the fat sucked out of any part of your body that wobbles. The wonders of plastic surgery are truly amazing. Somehow, more awe-inducing than current flesh-sculpting surgical capabilities is the number of people willing to undergo elective procedures.
Regardless of how miraculous modern medicine can be, it’s a damn shame that we feel the need to undergo a series of injections, cuts, stitches and potential infections all in the name of an oppressive beauty standard. There’s no shame in going under the knife– buckling under societal pressure is not the fault of the victim, but it’s still wildly disappointing to know that women are routinely rewarded for opting to have unnecessary medical procedures on their faces and asses.
Though there are surgeries you can actually get in the real world that seem strange enough to be the stuff of science fiction, it’s not difficult to imagine the kinds of procedures women would endure if they were possible.
Here are 9 totally unnecessary imaginary surgeries women would totally tolerate:
- Muffintopectamy- No longer will you have to worry about buying clothes you feel flatter you after you have a doctor mold your body to be a more aesthetically appealing shape! This procedure involves a surgeon taking an actual human sized cookie cutter to your figure.
- Pooperplasty- Never worry about pooping in public or at your lover’s house again. Even farting is out of the picture after pooperplasty. This is the ultimate surgery for the woman with dainty aspirations.
- Complete Victoria’s Secret Angelfication- Full body liposuction, limb lengthening, hair extensions and angel wing attachment will turn a plain Jane into a runway ready lingerie models.
- Barbie Foot Heel Resurfacing- It’s pretty simple–a surgeon will break your feet and reshape them to look more like doll feet. Your feet will only hurt if you try to walk without 4″ plus heels. Do it for your Louboutin and Jimmy Choo’s.
- Permaspanx- Not only do you get the slimming and smoothing effect of constant spanx, but you’ll feel the comforting tight squeeze on your organs all the time. Forever.
- Total Body Hair Removal- You’ll be smooth everywhere from your upper lip to your taint. Results are like waxing and laser hair removal, but you only have to do it one time. There’s no way to reverse it and start growing hair again, even if you want your pubes back when styles change.
- Perfect Outfit Full Body Tattoo- Find an outfit that looks good and you’ll never have to take it off. One major plus is that it’s washable, one major drawback is that you can never ever change your clothes.
- Willful Clitoral Augmentation- This procedure will allow you to turn your clitoris into a penis at will. You can use your penis to deter rape culture and instills an disproportionate sense of power within.
- Body Satisfaction Lobotomy AKA Self Esteem Lift- So we won’t feel the need to undergo dangerous and expensive surgeries.
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