You may be hoping for sweet relief in death, but life’s pitfalls don’t necessarily end when your life does. A Mississippi man named Walter Williams had to learn this in the worst way possible.
In an event so strange that it sounds like the stuff of Gothic short stories, Williams woke up alive in a body bag after being pronounced dead as a doornail and shortly before being embalmed. The coroner called it a freaking miracle, but I call it a horrible nightmare. That same coroner suspects that it wasn’t really miraculous so much as Williams’ pacemaker stopped temporarily and started up again. Whether it was an act of god or a temporarily broken pacemaker, I am traumatized on this poor old man’s behalf. The only thing worse than dying is living to tell the tale.
Here are the 10 worst things that can happen to you after you die:
1. Your name is misspelled in your obituary- Or on your tombstone. It’s like they didn’t even care about your passing at all.
2. Being looted- Stealing jewelry off of a corpse is like taking candy from a baby only way more disrespectful.
3. Sexual desecration- My last will and testament won’t be too full of demands, but I will stipulate that no one does anything sexual to my non-consenting dead body.
4. Being reincarnated as something terrible- If you thought your past life was shitty, just wait until the next one where you’re a horse-fly or child pageant contestant.
5. Weekend At Bernie’s- It’s all fun and games in the movies, but in the real world, you do not want anyone using your corpse as a puppet.
6. Getting caught with evacuated bowels-They say you poop yourself when you die–that’s the ultimate post-mortem humiliation. The only thing worse than getting caught with poop in your pants is not being able to defend yourself or run away because you’re dead.
7. Your body is never identified- This one is actually serious and sad. Sorry, John and Jane Does.
8. Being buried next to a bigger headstone- Puny and inconsequential even in death.
9. General funeral mishaps- What if your funeral is boring? Or all mourners get food poisoning? Or everyone gets the date wrong and no one shows? Or they put you in the wrong outfit in your open casket? Have a perfectionist micromanage your funeral.
10. Waking up- Not in the afterlife, but in the same shitty life you were living before. Something about knowing everyone accepted you were dead and got ready to toss you in the ground is really twisted. I’m a jewish person and we bury our departed right away, so I probably wouldn’t have much time to wake up.
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