• Thu, Mar 20 - 11:30 am ET

25 Foods That Can Be Used As Dildos In A Pinch

food dildoDo you ever have the urge to masturbate or just shove something in your vagina, but you don’t have your trusty vibrator or dildo on hand? Girl, we’ve all been there. When you’re in that kind of tough spot, all you have to do is improvise. The world is full of phallic objects just ripe for use as masturbating tools. If you’re not feeling particularly creative, we did the work for you.

Next time you’re in a very horny pinch, try cramming one of these dick shaped foods up in there instead of a dildo. We include foods of all shapes, sizes, and textures, to fit everyone’s needs.

Enjoy these 25 foods that can be used as dildos. Boner Appetit:

  1. Popsicles- There’s a NKOTB song called Popsicle that you can think about if you need to get in the mood (to masturbate) with food.
  2. Taro- It’s among the more exotic tubers.
  3. Cucumber- It’s like a spa treatment for your pussy.
  4. Eclairs- The creamy center is reminiscent of male ejaculate.
  5. Certain Mushrooms- If you find the right kind, they can look eerily like a human penis.
  6. Sausages- If you’re using a spicy sausage, perhaps put a condom on it so that you don’t burn your most precious parts.
  7. Zucchini- Plus maybe a zucchini flower, for your flower.
  8. Carrot- Good enough for your eyes, good enough for your pussy.
  9. Ice Cream Cones- See if you can cum before the ice cream melts.
  10. Hotdogs- Kosher or traif, whatever you’re into.
  11. Eggplant- Not for amateurs!
  12. Corn on the Cob- Pro tip: butter it.
  13. Breadsticks- You can get an unlimited amount of these puppies at your local Olive Garden, in case they keep getting soggy.
  14. Celery- A healthy choice!
  15. Raw Ginger- It helps relieve nausea.
  16. Churros- Sometimes, you just need to get it done on a subway platform or at a theme park.
  17. Snickers- “You’re Not Yourself When You’re [HORNY].”
  18. Asparagus- Individually, they’re pretty skinny, but you can buy them in heftier bunches.
  19. Potato- Potatoes are more versatile than you ever thought.
  20. Squash- Butternut squashes even look like they have balls.
  21. Foot Long Sub- A six inch sub is for pussies.
  22. Cheetohs- The cheetoh cheetah is a sex symbol.
  23. Banana- Classic.
  24. Drumstick- Or one of those enormous carnival turkey legs some of us have to pretend we think are disgusting to come across as more ladylike.
  25. Cookie Dough- One of those Pillsbury numbers that comes in a phallic log shape. It’s up to you whether you want to take it out of the wrapper or not.

PS We don’t really recommend you put food in your pussy unless you know what you’re doing.

PPS Joanna Rafael has never put food in her vagina.

Image via Shutterstock

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  • Robotic Socks

    21. Foot Long Sub- A six inch sub is for pussies.

    Then what is the twelve inch sub for??? O_o

    • Joanna Rafael

      That’s the joke.

  • Joe Kabbaj

    It gave me great quinces, and the recipe that I am not happy, I am very grabs! thank you in advance
    I board a good recipe already dealt a site like this http://le-couscous-marocain.blogspot.com

  • http://jaimegandarilla.tumblr.com/ Jaime Gandarilla

    informative