Have you ever encountered a major wine snob? If you’re the kind of person who enjoys wine because it tastes and feels good, but you don’t make it some big to-do, those who get precious about fermented grape juice might make you want to roll your eyes until it hurts. In fact, they can make you want to just chug all the wine or just pour the bottle out on your body like you’re at some cult of Dionysus drunken orgy. It’s okay to make wine a hobby, but it’s not entirely appropriate to whip out your knowledge with people who just want to drink it.
Some people are genuine wine connoisseurs and some people are big phonies who want to come across as elite; they’re both often tedious and pretentious snobs. You can be quite knowledgable about vino, but that won’t stop pompous showboats from trying to make you feel like an herb. We developed this helpful guide for beating wine snobs at their own game.
Here are 9 ways to fool people into thinking you’re a wine connoisseur.
- Know The Lingo. First things first, get to know the language of wines, or at least learn the words and use them often–even if you don’t know what they mean. Here are some wine terms to familiarize yourself with to get you started: tannins, varietal, sulfites, vintner, bouquet, finish, appellation.
- Have Wine-Based Stories. Pretend you’ve had intercourse on vineyards around the world. Tell people you met the love of your life at a wine tasting and her name was Malbec. Lie and say you keep a journal documenting every sip of wine you’ve ever had for posterity.
- Use Annoying Accents. Over pronounce every word that’s not in your mother tongue, be it a type of grape, a brand of wine, or even just the word sommelier. Nothing seems more pretentious than really going for it. Act like a theater kid delivering lines in French, Italian or Spanish. Commit. Now say “I’ll have the Sauvignon Blanc” like you really mean it.
- Have The Accoutrements. Invest in all sorts of wine accessories. You’ll need an array of different kinds of glasses, corkscrews for every occasion, and wine stoppers galore. If you’re really willing to commit, invest in some storage for all the bottles you’re collecting.
- Act Like You Know About Pairings. Fancy winos can extend their fancy affect into other areas when they talk about how well what wine goes with this meal or that cheese or whose eyes. Just make it up. Here’s a sample sentence: “Try this Cabernet with a fudgcicle, the tannins really bring out the fudgey flavors” or “You can’t possibly drink a sparking wine at a garden party.” Bonus points if you can fake knowing how certain wines pair with your mind and body.
- Drink Way More Wine. Drink wine for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Put it a thermos and bring it to the gym, if you have to. People won’t be fooled into thinking you know about wine until you put in the time. If your body can’t handle it, find a way to constantly have wine stained lips and teeth.
- When In Doubt, Stay Silent. If those in your company start waxing on about the wine you’re indulging in, just get really engrossed in smelling it and swirling it and drinking it. All the while, stare wistfully into space. You’ll seem to focused on experiencing your drink to talk.
- Pour Boxed Wine Into A Carafe Or An Empty Bottle Of The Luxe Stuff. Put the box in a neighbor’s garbage or better yet, just throw it straight into a landfill. If you’re entertaining, let your guests know that the carafe really helps that wine breathe. If you can’t get a carafe, steal empty bottles of expensive wine from recycling bins outside of fancy restaurants funnel your cheap wine into it.
- Don’t Let Anyone Catch You Being A Phony. If somebody tries to out-do you, scoff at them and turn the tables. Let’s say someone suggests your taste in wine is pedestrian, remind them that their beliefs make them an archaic joke. Example sentences: “True lovers of wine know that some of the more accessible bottles are just delightful” or “you would think that, you thought that vintage Cabernet was drinkable.”
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