10 Ways You Can Eat Gold Like King Midas

gold food

Tums for rich people.

You think you’re fancy because you bought Himalayan Sea Salt? Or maybe you think you’ve eaten extravagantly because you’ve had caviar more than once. You’re kidding yourself, you serf! Ritzy people eat gold.

Sure, you can dine on supposedly upscale foods like foie gras and dungeness crab, but if you’re not eating food coated in, sprinkled with or infused by actual gold, you might as well just resign yourself to stuffing your peasant face with roadkill and dog food. It’s not even a complete meal without a luxurious metal ingredient.

Here are 10 ways people with more money than sense can eat gold:

  1. Gold Grilled Cheese- It’s dubbed the “zillion dollar grilled cheese” but it only costs $100 at Chicago’s Deca Restaurant + Bar with a side of lobster mac and cheese. What a bargain!
  2. Gold Cheese- Clawson Stilton Gold, a cheese made by Long Clawson Dairy in Leicestershire, has veins of gold leaf and is infused with gold liqueur. It’s allegedly history’s priciest cheese! If you want to make your own overly opulant grilled cheese, maybe melt Clawson Stilton Gold onto some bread.
  3. Gold Bacon- Without 23 Karat gold bacon from the Baconery, your Stilton Gold grilled cheese is going to taste like a piece of garbage filled with craft singles.
  4. Goldschlager- This is easily the least fancy way to consume gold is to drink it when it’s suspended in cinnamon flavored schnapps popular with underaged kids and sorority girls.
  5. Golden Kaiser Schnitzel- At a snack bar in Dusseldorf, you can spend €150 on chicken with truffles and gold. When I’m feeling bummed out, schnitzel is one of my favorite comfort foods. My grandmother has never once lavishly plated my schnitzel in gold, does she even care about me?
  6. Gold Burger- Imagine a burger topped with lobster, caviar and truffles with a patty that’s wrapped in six leaves of gold. It’s called the “Douche Burger” and anyone who would ever purchase and eat the $666 hamburger from a food truck probably douches with molten gold.
  7. Edible Gold Flake Salt Shaker- This is an inexpensive way to add gold to all of your food at home. Imagine the sumptuous possibilities: top ramen topped with gold flakes, delivery pizza topped with gold flakes, scrambled eggs topped with gold flakes.
  8. Gold Sushi- If you think your local sushi place is expensive, think again. At a Manila sushi restaurant you can order a five pieces of sushi topped with gold and diamonds for only $2750.
  9. Gold Bagel- Getting scallion cream cheese instead of a basic shmear can feel like a spendy breakfast treat to the average rube, but Manhattan’s more elite bagel-eaters can indulge in a boiled dough ring “topped with white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves” for $1,000.
  10. Golden Opulence Sundae- Ordering an ice cream sundae is indulgent calorically, but at New York’s touristy Serendipity 3, it can be indulgent financially as well. You have to order 48-hours in advance, but for a cool $1,000 you can eat the Guinness World Record holding Golden Opulence Sundae and eat it with an 18 karat keepsake gold spoon. It’s both covered in gold leaf and suffused with gold “dragets.”

Image via Bill David Brooks 

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      I do love a good stilton..

      • Joanna Rafael

        I don’t think I’ve ever had good stilton because none of it has contained even a single karat of gold.