30 Things You Do Not Want In Your Fish, Including But Not Limited To A Dildo

Baltic Sea Fishermen Face Uncertain FutureHoly mackerel! The catch of the day is horrifying.

A Norwegian fisherman called Bjørn Frilund was just doing his thing and gutting a cod, when he found a vibrator with the motor still attached inside the fish. Good god, I mean good cod. He also found two partially digested herrings, but that’s not an unusual find for the inside of a fish. Frilund told The Local,

“Fish eat all kinds of different things, and the dildo looks like what the fish eat. We have a kind of multi-coloured octopus in Norway, maybe the cod thought this was one of these and ate it.”

The fisherman suspects that the cod had access to his sex toy snack because a disgruntled woman on a cruise tossed the dildo overboard. Imagine just cutting into a nice plate of fish and finding a bright red sex toy. That would be the worst, or at least one of the worst things you can find in the belly of your seafood dinner.

Here are 30 things you do not want to fish out of your fish:

  1. A dildo. On the bright side, the pictures are worth a thousand internet posts.
  2. Anal beads. A bass that was into ass play does not a tasty meal make.
  3. Any sex object, really. Like a used condom that’s knotted up and filled with semen.
  4. Toupees. Honestly, how many wigs can one fish even eat?
  5. One breast implant. Where is the other one?
  6. A Hall & Oates cassette. Now you’re going to have Hall & Oates in your head forever.
  7. A sneaker. Filthy.
  8. The retainer you lost in the 5th grade. At least you won’t be in trouble with your parents anymore?
  9. A spooky doll. What if it’s possessed?
  10. Undigested chicken nuggets. You’ll never know how long ago that tuna hit the drive thru.
  11. Two rolls of pennies. Not even enough money to count as treasure.
  12. A ransom note. For your own kidnapping!
  13. One or more human skulls. Hopefully they still have teeth so you can identify the John Does among the roe.
  14. Nazi paraphernalia. Anti-semitic sardines are foul.
  15. A bottle of viagra. Fish don’t even get boners, do they?
  16. A pack of cigarettes. We have to get the fish population to quit smoking.
  17. Meth, at least a kilo. Breaking Bad ended ages ago, so this is more disgusting than fun and culturally relevant.
  18. A crucifix. This one might not actually be so bad, you could sell a real deal “Jesus Fish” on the internet for thousands!
  19. Lots and lots of evil eyes. You can’t ward off that many eyes!
  20. Ghosts. The fish of the day is spooky haunted salmon.
  21. A live Rockette. At least she’s still kicking.
  22. Your hopes and dreams. They were nothing but fish food. Give up.
  23. Detective Benson and Stabler from SVU. Who will save New York from sexually violent criminals on television?
  24. Your old sports trophies from High School. Evidence of your glory days were swallowed by a cod.
  25. Hypodermic needles, used. You’re going to need to get tested.
  26. Barbie. Her dream house was apparently the inside of a fish.
  27. Your cat who ran away when you were a kid. You thought Fluffy went to live on a farm.
  28. Your middle school diary. How embarrassing.
  29. Boudoir photos of your mom. Psychosexual nightmares forever.
  30. Trivial pursuit cards from the 1980s. The questions are just so dated.

Make sure to check out pictures of the cod in question over at HyperVocal. H/T HyperVocal//Image via Getty

Share This Post:
    • Kaitlin Reilly

      My one question is how?

      • Joanna Rafael

        And it just swallowed it whole!

    • Jenni

      The thought of a toupee in a fish makes me ill.

      • Joanna Rafael

        What about a toupee ON a fish?