Happy Monday, everyone. Just kidding. Mondays are the worst. Everyone knows that. You know that, I know that, a lasagna loving cartoon cat knows that. It doesn’t matter if you love your job or what the week will bring, every Monday is a sign that time is passing and we are rapidly making our way to the grave. Of course, exceptional crabbiness and a morbid disposition don’t occur after every Sunday closes and the sun rises on a Monday morning, just when you have a case of the well-known pandemic: The Mondays.
Here are 20 signs you have a case of the Mondays:
- You swear your alarm was a deafening and frenetic rendition of the classic funeral march, rather than marimba or whatever you set it to.Â
- You want to get back in bed, but you haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.Â
- Once you do pry yourself off your mattress, you try to muster the motivation to start your day.
- If you do manage to shower, you either fight back tears the entire time or masturbate.
- Whichever you choose, it will be the best part of your dayâ€“â€“especially if you get stabbed by Norman Bates.Â
- When you’re getting dressed and grooming, you aren’t even trying to look presentable, just Â vaguely human.Â
- Coffee tastes like a dose of disgusting medicine rather than a morning pick-me-up.Â
- It’s hard to choose between going to work or faking your own death to get out of another horrible day.Â
- Despite the dark cloud protectively looming over your head, the sun hurts.
- Ugh, it’s so beautiful out. How disgusting. Â
- The normal crowd of people usually on the streets or in subway cars on your commute have mutated into horrible monsters that deserve to be locked in an underground prison.Â
- When you’re at work, every minute seems to take longer than usual. All the clocks must be broken.Â
- The clocks are all brokenÂ andÂ everything else is broken. Nothing is going right and you should have faked your own death when you had the chance.Â
- Someone dares to be cheerful at you. You want to destroy their cheer.Â
- You react disproportionately to any minor inconvenience and wonder if it’s okay for an adult to give “the finger.”Â
- You’re being overly sensitive to any slight criticism.Â
- You fantasize about just vanishing, like an angst ridden teenager.Â
- Your emotional mixture of anger, apathy, and frustration are making it impossible to work.Â
- Against all odds, the work day ends. You don’t really feel relieved. Â
- After work, you go home or to the gym or the arcade or wherever it is you go to unwind and realize that you still have four more work days before the weekend.Â
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