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10 Reasons Why You’ll Regret Hooking Up With Spider-Man

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Forget your fantasies about getting sexy with a super hero. Cute as Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker/Spider-Man in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) may be, you would not want to hook up with Spider-Man. It may seem like it would be a good time, but it really wouldn’t be. You’d definitely regret it.

Here are 10 reasons why you would not want to get sex with Spider-Man:

  1. Taking off that Spidey suit is not easy. It will take forever to get undressed. 
  2. Spider-Man likes positions that are uncomfortable to people who don’t have powers. It’s cute at first, but gets old fast. Some of us are afraid of heights, dude. 
  3. He might  ”web” on your face without asking. If you think semen is difficult to get out of your bangs, try combing out spider web. 
  4. A sex tape or pictures of your sexual encounter will surface and he’s going to pretend he didn’t take and leak the images. 
  5. He’s going to keep calling you MJ or Gwen, even if your name isn’t Mary Jane or Gwen. 
  6. You’ll be unusually sticky after.
  7. If you don’t use protection, you’ll have to get tested for STDs and radioactivity that might turn you into a Spider-man. 
  8. He’s so needy. Spider-Man’s powers make it so that he can cling to walls, he’s also going to cling to you. 
  9. He has superhuman speed, which is helpful when fighting bad guys, but a bummer in bed. 
  10. Spider-Man is too busy fighting bad guys to hang out. Sometimes he just gets up and leaps away while you’re asleep. 

Images via Giphy. 

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  • Samantha Escobar

    THAT GIF IN NUMBER 5.

    Also, re: #10, I bet Spidey is the kinda guy who gets stuff going and then passes out immediately after. Ugh.

    • Joanna Rafael

      He totally IS that guy.

  • Kaitlin Reilly

    This is crucial though: does he look like Toby Maguire or Andrew Garfield? Because I’m far more attracted to the latter and could overlook a lot of these.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Andrew Garfield is SUCH a cutie.

  • Lindsey Conklin

    #8 was such a great moment in The Oc…

  • FemelleChevalier

    #7: It actually happened in the comic-verse. I think his Spidey semen gave MJ cancer and eventually killed her.