• Tue, May 20 - 10:00 am ET

The Ultimate Shopping Guide For Hypochondriacs

hypochondriac shoppingIf you have a hypochondriac in your life or are one yourself, you know how troubling it can be to be preoccupied with infections, diseases and conditions that will cause us to deteriorate or just drop dead. We sure are pains in the butt––potentially fatal pains in the butt. What is causing this butt discomfort anyway? Anal fissures? Cancerous polyps? Surely this posterior pain is indicative of cancer. Can I get a doctor to make a house call? I’m dying.

Living in fear of dying is a tough way to be alive. After years of emergency room visits and nights of sleep lost to pacing around contemplating whether I should pen my final will or just keel over and die, I’ve accepted that maybe I don’t have every disease (real or imaginary), but I do have hypochondriasis and need to make that work for me. I put together a list of some products that make life a little easier for people that fear serious illness.jennifer lawrence hypochondriac

Here’s it is folks, the ultimate shopping guide for hypochondriacs:

Mini First Aid Kit.mini first aid Sure, it won’t have all the accoutrements of a first aid kit for the big time and it won’t be tricked out like a doctor’s office, but a mini first aid kit will put you at ease in case of a mini emergency or accident. $2.49 via Walgreens

Big Tube of Neosporin. neosporinInfection protection, baby. The little one in the mini first aid kit is not going to sufficiently prevent blood poisoning every time you get a cut. $12.99 via Staples

Gray’s Anatomy. gray's anatomyThe anatomy textbook, not DVDs of the dramatic television program. Hypochondriacs love to know what’s going on in their bodies, even if that love is born of disturbance, disgust and fear. $18 via Barnes & Noble 

Pill Case. pill necklaceAny pill box carrying case will do, but I’m particularly fond of discrete poison rings and capsule necklaces.  With your pills around your neck, whatever you need is right on your body. $29 via The Parlor Apothecary 

Baby Wipes. baby wipesIf you want things to be clean, but definitely know better than to you “hand sanitizer” in lieu of an actual thorough hand-washing, rub them down with baby wipes. They’re gentle enough for your keyboard or phone, work well on door handles and also come in handy if you need to defecate in a public restroom. If you can afford it, go the natural route when buying baby wipes. When it comes to some products, it’s best to get whatever an uptight rich mom would buy for her baby. That way yuo know it’s potentially safer for you skin than other chemically toxic garbage. $5.49 via Seventh Generation

ZocDoc. zocdocThis smartphone app is life changing. You can make appointments with any kind of doctor you want without having to talk on the phone like some sort of 20th century cave person. You punch in your insurance info, where you live and what kind of medical attention you seek and in a few pushes of touch-screen buttons, you’re all set. Fact about me: I am no longer permitted to use ZocDoc because I made and cancelled too many appointments.

Hypochondria Can Kill: A Disease for Every Occasion, an Illness for Every Symptom. hypochondria bookA friend got my this book for Chanukah. At first, I couldn’t put it down, but then I had to because I was flipping out about all the ways I was going to die that I hadn’t even thought of yet. $12.97 via Amazon

Water Bottle. water bottleStaying hydrated with filtered water is a great way to stave off disease. These water bottles with built in filters are easy for hypochondriacs to carry around in case they get thirsty or need to wash down some vitamins. $9.99 via Water Bobble

Photo via Shutterstock

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  • Lily

    You’ve successfully supplied me with Christmas/birthday gift ideas for my mom for the next ten years