There’s nothing like going to the doctor to help you remember what a crappy person you are. No, really, it’s true. No matter how much you might think you have your life together, going to the doctor and being asked all of those stupid questions about your health habits will surely remind you that you’re terrible human being because you don’t take daily vitamins.
And even if you do take a vitamin each day, they’ll get you on something else. Seriously, those doctors are relentless with their way-too-personal questions. So, of course, you have no choice but to lie and tell them what they want to hear. It’s the only way to save face, you know?
The list of annoying things doctors asks us could go on and on, but here are the seven most irritating things your doctor asks you that are a total buzzkill.
1. How many hours of sleep do you get each night?
What you say: It varies, but I try to get seven or eight hours.
What you’re thinking: Noooot really anywhere near that much. But it’s really hard to get a decent night of rest what with my busy schedule of waking up early for work and, of course, staying up late to watch Friends reruns on Nick at Nite.
2. Have you been taking your vitamins?
What you say: Of course, every day! I just wish they made those Flintstones ones for grown ups.
What you’re thinking: Did I tell you I was taking vitamins last time I was here? Or maybe I said would start? Because … errmm … no. No, I haven’t been taking them. And next year, it’s very likely I still won’t be taking them.
3. How much do you drink?
What you say: Oh, I don’t know. I just drink socially, nothing too crazy.
What you’re thinking: I’m going to need you to be a bit more specific for this one. Like, per week? Per day? Per hour? Does the cranberry vodka my friend made me last night that was pretty much all vodka, no cranberry count as one drink or more than that?
4. Do you smoke or take any recreational drugs?
What you say: No, of course not!
What you’re thinking: I feel like if I answer that question honestly, you might judge and/or get made at me. Also, who are you, my mother?
5. How often do you exercise?
What you say: My schedule gets pretty busy, but I try to hit the gym once or twice each week.
What you’re thinking: Not sure if you’ve checked out the price of a gym membership lately, but I really can’t be shelling out $60+ per month for a membership I’ll never use, since I’m always too exhausted from not getting enough sleep and drinking too much. Is that what you want me to say???
6. Are you sexually active? How many partners have you been with in the last year?
What you say:
What you’re thinking:
There’s literally no good way to answer this question. Just like when you were in high school, if your number is too high, you’re a skank. If it’s too low, you’re either assumed to be lying or getting a friendly reminder about the draught you’re in. Thanks for that, doc.
7. How often do you floss? (That’s right, dentists ask annoying questions, too!)
What you say: This is a trick question. No one flosses, and they know it, so you might as well just tell the truth. No.
What you’re thinking: Um, how about never, since I don’t own any. What happened to the sample you gave me last time I was at the dentist, you ask? Yeah, I threw out that bag of free products as soon as I took out the free toothbrush.