ICYWW, A Turkey Baster Is Not A Sex Toy

STock Image Turkey Baster

When you think of the phrase, “baste the turkey” you probably think about Thanksgiving, eating turkey and another round at the dinner table with your drunk uncle Joe. But a woman and man in Virginia had a very different take on the kitchen appliance in 2011 — when the pair attempted a baster-based impregnation scheme suggested by a friend.

While I’m inclined to think that “friend’s suggestion” was probably thought up by the couple themselves, then cast off to an unnamed, unsuspecting buddy when they realized how crazy it sounded (and is), it doesn’t really matter what I think: The turkey baster method worked. According to the Associated Press, Robert Boardwine supplied Joyce Rosemary Bruce with sperm in a plastic container. Bruce transferred the sperm into a turkey baster and used that to inseminate herself.

Now what do you think of the term “basting the turkey?!”

If this bizarro method isn’t shocking enough, here’s the real twisted part. Boardwine has been fighting for shared custody of the child since 2011. On Tuesday, the Virginia Court of Appeals ruled that Boardwine is more than a sperm donor and deserves to be in the child’s life. Bruce originally believed that since the pair hadn’t had sex, she could remain the sole parent of the child.

The court ruled that kitchen implants are not considered “medical technology” so Boardwine is legally entitled visitation rights. But should probably leave the bater at home.

While many couples would kill to conceive inside a kitchen (but you know, the normal way), Boardwine and Bruce apparently don’t speak anymore after an argument about the baby’s name came into play. It’s pretty funny that they could agree on sticking a kitchen appliance up Bruce’s vagina, yet can’t settle when it comes to names.

Either way, for future reference: if you want to be a daddy, baste your turkey the old fashioned way.

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