15 Years – Suck It Up
June 30, 2008 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
I find very few flaws in the logic of Leslie Bennetts in her book FEMININE MISTAKE, THE: ARE WE GIVING UP TOO MUCH?
Her logic is such that I find myself saying, She’s right. Why did I make such a self-defeating choice to quit my fulltime professional newspaper job?
Until the chapter where she reminds me why, exactly, I did just that as she advises women that Yes, working fulltime with little babies is a hell on earth where everyone loses – but take the “long view,” it’s only for 15 YEARS!
15 YEARS! Is that all?
Seriously, I lasted less than one year of dropping my kid off at daycare and not seeing her at all until I dropped her off the next morning. And during that year I was popping Xanex like crazy to quell the ever increasing and intense feelings of, “I don’t want to do this. This is not necessary. I don’t give a shit about that pothole – I haven’t seen my kid all day.”
It wasn’t the working that got to me. It was the lack of flexibility insisted upon by my newspaper’s management. The rigidity about being in the office while writing at 11 pm. after a city council meeting. Why, exactly, can’t I do this at home?
The part that really got to me was how unnecessary the rigidity and inflexibility was.
With the invention of email and the cell phone many parents time away from home really can be minimized with little company sacrifice. But, corporations HATE change.
The bottom line is you need a wife if you’re going to make it in many professional environments. When you ARE the wife, and you don’t want to take on the role of “absent daddy,” it’s a bit of a problem.
Leslie Bennetts, a New York Times Reporter, says as much in her book.
Leslie Bennett’s is also right to say that professional women aren’t truly “opting out” – they are being pushed out by rigidity and hostility towards mothers who aren’t willing to make unnecessary sacrifices.
Her solution to this eat shit (work 60 hrs week) or suck ass (drop out of professions completely) dilemma mothers face? Don’t let them push you out – it’s only 15 years.
Compared to the 50 years of your career 15 years really isn’t that long, she says.
I agree 15 years out of the 50 years of a career doesn’t seem like that long.
But 15 years is your kid’s ENTIRE childhood. 15 years is also one’s ENTIRE motherhood experience.
Looked at that way it’s a bit more of a freaking sacrifice, isn’t it?
I’m taking the detour in Bennett’s “long view.”
Actually, in my case it totally was an exhusband not wanting to support an exwife. When we were married he didn’t want me to work and subtly sabotaged any efforts I made towards a career or starting a business. No moral or emotional support, have to make sure all the wifey things were done or there was emotional withdrawal and negativity. He had the money, he had the power, he liked it that way. It was only after he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore that he started wanting me to work and get a career. At one point I was working two jobs part time and mentioned that I worked about 30+ hrs a week and he worked 40+ but I still did all the housework, laundry, cooking and most of the childcare. Maybe we should share. His reply was that he made most of the money so even tho I was working almost as much as him it didn’t count. He’s very good at making up stories in his head to support his selfish choices.
So yeah, it was an exhusband not wanting to support an exwife. I would also add that I’m sure he realizes that I have a tremendous amount of potential that was never realized. So it’s not inconceivable that at 45 or 50 I could start a business or career. It’s still a matter of choice on my part.
Tracee, this is the post I was talking to you about this weekend. By the way it was good to see you guys!
I believe That Girl said, “We’ll revisit this when the baby’s 6 months old n’kay?”
Anders is almost 6 months old. I’d love to revisit this issue! By the way I am back at work.
Write up a guest post revisiting it and I’ll publish it.